We spend too much of our time together talking about current events and how divided everything is nowadays - I worry that I will think of a hundred questions to ask her after she is gone.
What did you talk to her about 1 year ago? 3 Years ago? 20 Years ago? Everyone's life is winding down we just don't know how tight the spring is when we start. Start asking the questions you want answered. Tell her you want to start a diary. Better yet if you can record your conversations you will have a visual diary that you can watch anytime. It might be late for this year but it would be an awesome family gift. Where did she come from? How did she meet your dad? What were her parents and grandparents like? Keep it all no pressure. If she does not know an answer don't push, move on. Let her lead the way
I'd ask her about fun things she did in her life: schooling, traveling, raising kids, etc. I'd tell her funny jokes. My mom had Alzheiermr's from te time she was 87-94, so sometimes she'd make things up, about playing golf with Tiger Woods, for example. She played golf, but on an amateur league, but if she thought her skills were of a higher calibre, that's fine. I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I'd stick with positive things with your mom at this stage of things, to share a good laugh or a smile.
My parents are 81 and 79 years old. I read something that tells me what happened this day in history. For instance, yesterday was the Kennedy assassination in 1963.
I messaged her and asked where she and dad were that day when they heard.
It led to pages of conversation and I found out so much about my parent's lives.
I feel blessed that they still have the ability to remember things like this...even though they can't tell me what they ate for dinner last night.
You could ask her to help you create a list of what life taught her wisdoms. Like how to cope with war and aging and inequality (or new freedoms and massive change in attitudes given her age). Or ask her what she liked best in each era. Clothes, hair styles, political leaders, appliances (black and white tv consoles and wall phones with cords come to mind), attitudes, funny moments, hardest obstacles. Id have a way to record the conversations.
Of course some of it depends upon what she desires, If I had more time with my dad, I would ask him even more about what his life was like - as a kid, adolescent, adult, whatever. Most people love to review their lives, and it’s really interesting. And you learn what is significant to her, what she wants you to remember. A birthday “game,” but one you can do anytime of year is “one memory from each five years of life.” You can share your own memories too - she’ll enjoy hearing yours as well.
Look at photos together and be sure to label them for future generations. Write diwn or record conversations about her childhood, her relationships with older generation family members, how did she meet your father, what were her thoughts/experiences when she was pg with you, what were her finest moments, what were her regrets??? If you are Believers, ask her to give you her blessing.
Thank you for both answering my fairly vague question - I like the suggestion of talking about good memories I have of mom and I like the idea of using an electronic picture frame as a way to talk about the past! I need to make an effort to make sure she knows that I think she was/is a good mom and I need to make sure she knows how much I admire her and dad successfully raising four children under financially trying situations. They definitely were part of the "greatest generation".
We spend too much of our time together talking about current events and how divided everything is now days - I worry that I will think of a hundred questions to ask her after she is gone.
My father passed 25 years ago at age 74 and I've always wished I had been more interested in the details of his life while growing up, serving in WWII, etc. I know the facts - just don't remember ever asking him to talk about them from his point of view.
Thank you both for helping me focus my thoughts on this topic!
Just being there is valuable, as was mentioned. Also, don't hesitate to just talk without expecting any kind of response. My own mom likes it when I just talk to her, without putting any pressure on her to be a part of the conversation. Sometimes she wants to, most times not. I just talk about whatever is going on in my life, or good memories of my mom, telling her always how much I love her, and what a good mom she was, and IS. She loves hearing that. And she wasn't always, because none of us are at our best all the time. Still, at this point in time, in her state, I just try to love on her. You did not indicate in any way that you have a problem with that; that is just me. The staff tells me that she is always calmer after my visits. Just to make certain that no one thinks that I am making myself out to be a saint, I almost went crazy when she was living with me, and I was not always so kind, to my shame. It is much easier for me now that she is in the right facility, and my visits are just that - visits. I wish you the best.
Sometimes just being there is enough. Does she watch tv? We talk about whatever is on the boob tube. Sometimes we put music on and just sing along. We also have an aura picture frame…we sit there for a long time watching the pictures scroll by and for each picture we get “who is that”….so that takes up a good portion of our time telling her who each person is, who they belong to, etc. hope this helps. I wasn’t sure what you were asking….like talk about on visits? Again….music is a great option.
Just left daily visit with MIL. Today’s topic of conversation was old photo books. We went through an old photo album. We also discussed that she worked for a school….getting kids college scholarships(this came up when she asked me what I did and I said I am a retired school teacher). We also talked about how every Saturday she would take her mom and aunt shopping, this was after I asked if she would like to go shopping tomorrow. So you see….somethings trigger a good response and then run with it….
Everyone's life is winding down we just don't know how tight the spring is when we start.
Start asking the questions you want answered.
Tell her you want to start a diary.
Better yet if you can record your conversations you will have a visual diary that you can watch anytime. It might be late for this year but it would be an awesome family gift.
Where did she come from? How did she meet your dad? What were her parents and grandparents like?
Keep it all no pressure. If she does not know an answer don't push, move on.
Let her lead the way
I messaged her and asked where she and dad were that day when they heard.
It led to pages of conversation and I found out so much about my parent's lives.
I feel blessed that they still have the ability to remember things like this...even though they can't tell me what they ate for dinner last night.
If you are Believers, ask her to give you her blessing.
We spend too much of our time together talking about current events and how divided everything is now days - I worry that I will think of a hundred questions to ask her after she is gone.
My father passed 25 years ago at age 74 and I've always wished I had been more interested in the details of his life while growing up, serving in WWII, etc. I know the facts - just don't remember ever asking him to talk about them from his point of view.
Thank you both for helping me focus my thoughts on this topic!
hope this helps. I wasn’t sure what you were asking….like talk about on visits? Again….music is a great option.