We spend too much of our time together talking about current events and how divided everything is nowadays - I worry that I will think of a hundred questions to ask her after she is gone.
What about using a current topic as a segue to an account one of her past experiences? e.g. Today's shipping container backlog creating merchandise shortages. How did her family deal with rationing during WWII? Touching on the past might invite her to bring up topics to share with you. Past generations in my family didn't seem to talk about their childhoods, their parents, etc. I've always wanted to know more about things like that.
My Mom is also 99 and will be 100 on Boxing Day. We love watching game shows together and a local program produced in our province of Newfoundland about the people of Newfoundland. We talk about the old days sometimes when she was young and also about her and dad and things they did together. Recently, I got her to elaborate on how she met dad. If there are any friends they may have had in their younger years which you have forgotten the names of, who may want to ask about them now. Maybe get out some old pictures and talk about where the pics were taken, what was happening the day the picture was taken and the names of the people in them. You may want to write their names on the back. Just do a few at a time so as not to overwhelm her with too many questions. Also looking down at pics too long will probably irritate the back of her neck. I know it irritates my Mom’s. Hope this helps. Take care. Brenda, Newfoundland
Ask her specific questions now and record her with your phone. My mom passed in April so watching videos of her talk about the 'olden days' is very comforting and I'm glad I took the time to record her. I guess I knew that her days were numbered. I also listen to her old voicemails of happier and healthier times. God bless you and hold her hand tightly.
I started writing down my own memories during the lockdown. It's hard to find where to start, so I decided to begin with each house I've lived in. Each early house branches out to school memories and growing up memories, then the more recent houses branched out to memories of raising our kids.
Start by asking your mom about the things only she will know, specifically her childhood. What was something that she doesn't need to do the old way any longer because of innovations? (I think about how in my lifetime, we used typewriters, not computers, there were no TV remotes, microwaves, or seatbelts in the early days of my childhood, and I even remember when NBC switched over to color. Ask here what the biggest technological innovation was to her.
Conversations will evolve from one topic to another, but you can always look up prompts for memoir writing for questions to ask.
I agree Llama. When there isn't much time left just express all the love you can.
When I was with my mom during her last days I just kept saying I love you and caressing her hand. She couldn't respond at that point anyways. But love is a palpable thing I think.
My mom is 99 and lives in memory care. Talking about the past either confuses her or makes her sad and anxious. So on the days I visit, I check her supplies and general appearance and limit the two way conversation. I do her nails, comb her hair, clean her glasses while we wait for her weekly denture sanitizer cycle to finish and after a quick potty stop (make sure she is clean & dry) I invite her to the lunchroom for a quick snack if she acknowledges that she is hungry. Rare times, I lay out a hand of solitaire and turn the cards for her to put in place while we watch her TV. Most times, she will defer to either going back to bed or she will lose interest, get up and walk out and down the hall to the lunchroom. She enjoys the brief physical attention and I can fill the one sided conversation with prompts, congratulations and mindless chatter.
Ask her about her grandparents or older aunts or uncles, or her siblings, who was her best friend. Food she liked. Her first date, or why she didn't ever date. A pet. My dad is full of vivid information about his Grandmother (she was born in1868) My mom was "seeing kids" Was calming for her to describe the kids, and it was actually joyful. Ask a simple question.
Looking back I wished I had talked with my mom about family photos and who were in them, written it down. Also more stories of her childhood, favorite memories about each person, family ties that she kept up with that I was unaware of & their contact info. Clarified family recipes. Her wishes & dreams, anything that I wonder about now. Most elderly have short term memory loss but have good recall from earlier in their life.
I am confused as to the question - Is is that you do not know the 100 questions you had wished you had asked her and didn't know at the time to ask?
There are two ways to look at this (from my perspective): 1) Write down the questions you think you'll consider after she is gone. Keep a list. Don't hold back; don't censure yourself/ questions / thoughts. 2) What is in your way of accessing those questions now? Sounds like you know they are inside you, somewhere. and, yes, a #3: 3) You CAN talk to her after she transcends. I do this all the time with my mother and clients. But, don't wait. oh, and a #4: 4) Ask your mom open ended questions and do not expect a linear answer. Let her go on and on however she responds. Acknowledge her words, her feelings, which is reflective listening - you are reflecting back what you hear. This may or will encourage her to keep talking. And, ok and here is a #5 5) Don't ask her any questions to do with memory 'per se' as she may not be able to recall (you know, we don't). For instance, I might say something about being a mother (if she knows you are her daughter) vs any specific situation of you growing up or an interaction between the two of you. And the last # - 6 6) Let her lead the conversation. Weave in whatever you are curious about and if you are so inclined, tape her on your phone. Even one conversation may feel special enough to have as a memory.
Mint, I wish I could have asked questions about our ancestry.
Every generation loses the knowledge of prior generations, sometimes one, sometimes more. It is a shame what we don't know about the family we came from.
Hearing the stories and experiences can help us understand so many things.
Certainly younger family will want to know about her childhood- likes interests, how she felt about new inventions, what made her afraid, happy, sad, worried, frustrated. Who was a favorite teacher and why. Who helped her. Who frustrated her. Advice for marriage, raising kids, balancing life, aging. . Favorite movie stars.... Make an All About Me book of her answers.
Also as others said make sure all her final wishes are known, where all her papers are. Who to contact.
Yes, 'All About Me'; when my mom was diagnosed with a form of Alzheimer's and it was clear she was in steep decline I took out the family photo albums and copied all the pictures of just her and captioned them; I made them into a book and she was tickled to death to 'see' herself through the years and it sparked a lot of conversation between us. At that point it was way OK to let go of how she'd been such a Narcissist, so self centered, because she was gradually leaving this life and needed a boost. She treasured that little album of her life memories, made her less anxious about her situation.
Yes, yes, yes, this is exactly what I was thinking right before I read this answer. When my aunt died, a wealth of family history went with her that I wish had been recorded.
Think of every subject that involves people - legal, medical, religious, financial, etc. Think outside the box and beyond when she is gone. Try to lead her to think what she would like in certain instances so you can carry out her wishes. Ask her if she wants to tell you certain things you should know. Do it now - don't wait. This may be the last chance you get and you need to know as much as possible. Also, talk to her about your life and growing up, etc. Good luck.
One idea is to keep a notebook with you and write down your questions when you think of them. Then, take them with you on your visits.
You WILL have a hundred questions when she's gone. The most important thing to do now is cherish your time together. What will be foremost in your mind are the moments you shared with each other.
My husband's niece talks to my husband about family history. She lost her mom as a teen and is in here 30's and full of questions now. My husband and other relatives are able to answer many of those questions. Perhaps you can use similar avenues to find satisfaction to unanswered questions after your mom is gone.
Ask her stories. Maybe about your family’s ancestors, or about her childhood. Ask her about Christmases when she was a child, what her teen years were like, how many boyfriends she had, and what her friends were like.
I’ll be her stories are AMAZING. Listening to them would be a real gift.
We have used a little product called Table Topics with great success at my house. It's a box of conversation starter cards and I highly recommend it. We use it at dinner sometimes so we don't fall into the trap of interrogating our kids about their day, just because we don't know what else to say to show we're interested in them. It's especially fun when the grandparents come visit and we always learn something new about them.
They're really fun and you just skip whatever ones don't seem relevant. And you won't give off that awful "tell me everything because you have one foot in the grave" vibe.
after mom died, we went through the bank safe deposit box. all sorts of jewelry..expensive and not so but were clue less as to their significance..who they once belonged to..even on old foreign military medal.lost family history...same with photos from the early 1920s plus! what a shame.
I should have asked more about my dads estate before he got dementia. After he died it was a scavenger hunt to figure it all out. Also I knew very little about his side of the family and his early life. Wish I’d have asked more when he was still able to tell me.
I have an account on a website called Golden Carers. It is amazing. My great grandmother and I look at "this day in history" and do trivia/quizzes every day! Note: the history channel and other websites also have "this day in history" for free. Golden Carers is about $50/a year or so, but was worth every penny to me.
I think it's really nice you're visiting with your mother & that you're able to talk about current events; that she has the ability to DO that at 99 years old. When I visit my soon-to-be 95 y/o mother, all she talks about is hateful things & going to visit her dead relatives and/or where they are living or why they're not coming to see her and ignoring her?
If you're worried about the questions you should have asked her after she is gone, write a list of them NOW and ask them. Maybe even record her answers so you'll have them to listen to forever.
I asked my ailing 91 year old Mother to record her life story using the VoiceApp that is resident on her iPad. My 93 year old Dad helped her with the mechanics. She didn't need any guidance in terms of subject matter and I ended up with eleven different recordings!
Since it is the time of year we celebrate, ask her what is her favorite memory on Thanksgiving or Christmas. Get out photos and discuss who is in the photo, etc. Once the conversation starts it will lead to others. When my Mom had to down-size and we were deciding what to keep, there was a bowl and pitcher on her dining room table. When I ask her what she wanted to do with it, she shared a story about how her Mom used the bowl to make biscuits and she would put milk in the pitcher. Many years had gone by, saw them in her table but now I have them and share the story with my children. Just sharing this to give you an example of how curiosity becomes memories.
Play some music from her youth. Are you church goers? Sing some hymns. Turn off the news channels if you're watching them. During Christmas season, I watched the Lifetime channel with my Mom. We enjoyed the Christmas music when it was on. And we sometimes made fun of the "they are fighting now, but will be kissing 5 minutes before the show is scheduled to end" formula for almost every program. PBS offers Nature and Nova shows that are beautiful. I've searched for a game I can play with my husband who can't seem to even remember the rules to UNO. The best one so far is called Eye see. It is a bunch of cards with pictures that if you recognize them and then can answer, or guess at a T - F question, you can win. My husband is not severely advanced and can still remember old things. He just forgets things that happened 5 minutes ago, and who the current president is, date and day of the week, that he needs to take a bath... So if your Mother is too advanced, I realize this game won't work. I try to find activities we can "do together", realizing that I'm going to be doing most of the doing. It's really tricky. But otherwise we don't really have conversations much either. I think the person suggesting revisiting old photos has a good idea.
If you have a couple of questions in your mind right now, ask them. Bring out old pictures and talk about them. Video her reminiscing. Tape her voice. Let her talk about whatever she wants. Ask her what her best advice is, what foods she loves, her favorite times, ask about her family long gone, her memories as a little girl, anything. ( I have even copied and kept voicemail messages that my mother left on my machine that were so cute and still make me smile).
You WILL think of a hundred questions to ask her after she dies, no matter how many you ask now. You should spend the present talking about the things your mother is interested in talking about. You might ask her some questions about her life and family history, but use her responses ad a guide. Is she interested and eager in sharing her stories? She very well may love reminiscing, but you don't want all of your conversations to be "End-of-Life Interviews."
Many good responses below. Those memories of her life and family are precious. Ask everything you can or better yet just let her talk.
The last year of my father's life through many days sitting in the hospital and rehab with him I learned so much! So much I had never heard before. It was such a gift to share that time with him.
Talk about the happiest times in her life. Bring them back to her.
Ask everything you can about her family. Record the conversations by filming these on your phone. Ask her to tell her favorite memories of her parents and grandparents. Funny stories, happy stories, sad times. Miracles she witnessed.
Holidays? Traditions? My family, who lived in the north, actually travelled by horse-driven sleigh for the snowy months.
Research the timeline of her life and ask about important events if she can remember. Where was she when she learned about the attack on Pearl Harbor? Ask lots of follow-up questions so the memories come alive.
Not long before my dad passed away, we drove to the house where his parents had married (it had belonged to his mother’s aunt). We saw a lady walking her dog and dad asked if we could stand inside her house at the bottom of the stairway where his parents had said their vows. Dad could barely walk.
At the time, I was very irritated and embarrassed ?why are we asking this stranger if we can go in her house? Etc., etc.
The lady let us in, and we all stood in the spot. Dad told us how we were all alive because of that one special moment and that very spot.
We were all crying, even the homeowner. This is a very precious moment to me now. I’m mad at myself for being irritated. That moment was a priceless gift.
The next time I saw Dad he was in the hospital suffering from a stroke. He could communicate again, but he was never the same. What I would give for even one of those hard moments!
Enjoy your mom for where she is, for who she is. If she can’t remember, just hug her and laugh. Ask her all her favorite songs from her lifetime. Play her favorite songs from her youth and adulthood on your phone. It will soothe her.
Soak up every moment that you can. Someday there will be no new memories —so fill your mind’s archives while you still can.
Start by asking your mom about the things only she will know, specifically her childhood. What was something that she doesn't need to do the old way any longer because of innovations? (I think about how in my lifetime, we used typewriters, not computers, there were no TV remotes, microwaves, or seatbelts in the early days of my childhood, and I even remember when NBC switched over to color.
Ask here what the biggest technological innovation was to her.
Conversations will evolve from one topic to another, but you can always look up prompts for memoir writing for questions to ask.
You can
When I was with my mom during her last days I just kept saying I love you and caressing her hand. She couldn't respond at that point anyways. But love is a palpable thing I think.
My dad is full of vivid information about his Grandmother (she was born in1868)
My mom was "seeing kids" Was calming for her to describe the kids, and it was actually joyful. Ask a simple question.
Is is that you do not know the 100 questions you had wished you had asked her and didn't know at the time to ask?
There are two ways to look at this (from my perspective):
1) Write down the questions you think you'll consider after she is gone.
Keep a list.
Don't hold back; don't censure yourself/ questions / thoughts.
2) What is in your way of accessing those questions now? Sounds like you know they are inside you, somewhere.
and, yes, a #3:
3) You CAN talk to her after she transcends.
I do this all the time with my mother and clients. But, don't wait.
oh, and a #4:
4) Ask your mom open ended questions and do not expect a linear answer. Let her go on and on however she responds. Acknowledge her words, her feelings, which is reflective listening - you are reflecting back what you hear. This may or will encourage her to keep talking.
And, ok and here is a #5
5) Don't ask her any questions to do with memory 'per se' as she may not be able to recall (you know, we don't). For instance, I might say something about being a mother (if she knows you are her daughter) vs any specific situation of you growing up or an interaction between the two of you.
And the last # - 6
6) Let her lead the conversation. Weave in whatever you are curious about and if you are so inclined, tape her on your phone. Even one conversation may feel special enough to have as a memory.
Gena
* * *
Every generation loses the knowledge of prior generations, sometimes one, sometimes more. It is a shame what we don't know about the family we came from.
Hearing the stories and experiences can help us understand so many things.
Also as others said make sure all her final wishes are known, where all her papers are. Who to contact.
You WILL have a hundred questions when she's gone. The most important thing to do now is cherish your time together. What will be foremost in your mind are the moments you shared with each other.
My husband's niece talks to my husband about family history. She lost her mom as a teen and is in here 30's and full of questions now. My husband and other relatives are able to answer many of those questions. Perhaps you can use similar avenues to find satisfaction to unanswered questions after your mom is gone.
Hope some of this helps.
I’ll be her stories are AMAZING. Listening to them would be a real gift.
They're really fun and you just skip whatever ones don't seem relevant. And you won't give off that awful "tell me everything because you have one foot in the grave" vibe.
If you're worried about the questions you should have asked her after she is gone, write a list of them NOW and ask them. Maybe even record her answers so you'll have them to listen to forever.
Best of luck.
When my Mom had to down-size and we were deciding what to keep, there was a bowl and pitcher on her dining room table. When I ask her what she wanted to do with it, she shared a story about how her Mom used the bowl to make biscuits and she would put milk in the pitcher. Many years had gone by, saw them in her table but now I have them and share the story with my children. Just sharing this to give you an example of how curiosity becomes memories.
The last year of my father's life through many days sitting in the hospital and rehab with him I learned so much! So
much I had never heard before. It was such a gift to share that time with him.
Ask everything you can about her family. Record the conversations by filming these on your phone. Ask her to tell her favorite memories of her parents and grandparents. Funny stories, happy stories, sad times. Miracles she witnessed.
Holidays? Traditions? My family, who lived in the north, actually travelled by horse-driven sleigh for the snowy months.
Research the timeline of her life and ask about important events if she can remember. Where was she when she learned about the attack on Pearl Harbor? Ask lots of follow-up questions so the memories come alive.
Not long before my dad passed away, we drove to the house where his parents had married (it had belonged to his mother’s aunt). We saw a lady walking her dog and dad asked if we could stand inside her house at the bottom of the stairway where his parents had said their vows. Dad could barely walk.
At the time, I was very irritated and embarrassed ?why are we asking this stranger if we can go in her house? Etc., etc.
The lady let us in, and we all stood in the spot. Dad told us how we were all alive because of that one special moment and that very spot.
We were all crying, even the homeowner. This is a very precious moment to me now. I’m mad at myself for being irritated. That moment was a priceless gift.
The next time I saw Dad he was in the hospital suffering from a stroke. He could communicate again, but he was never the same. What I would give for even one of those hard moments!
Enjoy your mom for where she is, for who she is. If she can’t remember, just hug her and laugh. Ask her all her favorite songs from her lifetime. Play her favorite songs from her youth and adulthood on your phone. It will soothe her.
Soak up every moment that you can. Someday there will be no new memories —so fill your mind’s archives while you still can.