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My mother lives quite far from I. She repeatedly calls to state the husband wants her to move out. She constantly tell me how horrible he is to her. “Yells and screams all the time”. She calls adult services to find a escape. I asked her to video tape the husband with a camera. I don’t always agree with what she’s saying. She has dementia and Alzheimer’s. She refuses on the camera. I said I’ll buy the camera and install the next time I visit. She still refuses. But “I’m telling the truth you don’t believe me.” Help ! how do I keep the peace with her?

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Mistysurf posted about this exactly one week ago, and has not come back to that post. That post was about DH, the nasty man. So I will repeat my own answer from Dec 6:

'Unless there is a mistake here, your mother is 52 (as per your profile) and your husband is 76. Your own age isn’t given.

-Even if it’s you who are 52, you are a lot younger than your husband. What expectations did both of you about how the marriage and caregiving would work out? Is your husband angry because it hasn’t lived up to expectations, as well as his own health issues? Where are your husband’s family (including his parents and children) in all this?

-Mother is ‘living at home’ with anxiety and depression. Where is ‘home’ and what care needs does she actually have? At 52, what are her plans for her own future care? What other family members (on both sides) are involved with her?

My feeling (which of course may be way off beam) is that you need a counselor and a lawyer for yourself, to plan your own future. I’m actually hoping that you are a troll making this all up.'
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Mistysurf Dec 2022
My mother is not 52. Making it up? This is supposed to be a safe place. My mother and husband both have dementia. Mother isn’t living at my home. I live far away. Read the post! I don’t know where in my profile it defined my mothers age. Seriously does it matter? Be supportive not accusatory. I come here for advice and guidance. Not examination.
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I’m 52. Mom’s 71.
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Since you don't know what's going on with your mother & her husband, the only logical thing to do is to take a trip to see her and find out firsthand what's going on. Otherwise, you're trying to 'keep the peace' not knowing whether she's being abused or not, or whether her husband wants her to move out, is yelling & screaming at her all the time, or whether she's confabulating. Not a good scenario. You cannot expect an elder with dementia & Alzheimer's to 'video tape' anything either! Just go visit yourself and lay eyes on the situation asap. In the meantime, I'd call your step father and have a chat with him about your mother's claims.

If she 'calls adult services to find an escape'........has APS been out to her home to check things out?

Good luck.
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Do you have POA or other authority to talk about Mom's condition & situation to her Doctor or APS?

Have you spoken to Mom's husband? Do you get along? Would he confide in you?

Sounds like things are pretty tough there.. That Mom is afraid (due to real events or hallucinated ones).

I'm not sure what you can do from a distance. Is Mom's truth - truth or tall tales? Talking to her Husband & neighbours (if possible) will also be subjective.

Are you wanting to validate what Mom is saying?

Or you are confident she is actually safe & ok - you need more tactics for calming her down?
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Isthisrealyreal Dec 2022
Anyone can call APS. They won't tell anyone anything. Even if you have authority.

It is a system set up to protect the elderly and only releases information to the courts or attorneys.

It is a difficult system to deal with because of that.
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Your profile says that your mother is only 52 years old. Is that correct? That's awful young to be diagnosed with any of the dementias.
If your mother is actually older, and has dementia, it sounds like she should no longer be living by herself, and you may need to start looking for the appropriate facility to be placed in, or hiring(with her money)full-time help to come stay with her.
And you as her daughter need to start educating yourself about dementia, because if you were familiar with it, you would know that the best thing you can do when a loved one has delusions/hallucinations is to just go along with whatever they're saying and not argue with them or tell them that they're wrong. If your mother does have dementia, her brain is now broken and it will never get better, only worse, so again education on it will help you immensely.
The book The 36 Hour Day is a great resource along with the multitude of videos on YouTube by Teepa Snow9a dementia expert)will be great help as well.
You are now going to have to live in your mothers world as she can no longer live in yours.
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