My mother is drinking herself to death and my stepfather is helping her do this. What can I do?

Horrifying and heartbreaking, but as he is the responsible party, you probably can’t do much unless you are willing to attempt to legally prove that SF is placing her in harm’s way, and you have obviously already correctly deduced that.

Do you have any allies that are aware of the situation outside the home?

You can quietly continue “case building” for when circumstances take a turn for the worse.

I certainly would if I were in your shoes.

There is nothing you CAN do for a grown woman who's defending a cheating husband who's enabling her bad habits. She's chosen her lifestyle, at her advanced age, and she can kill her self with drink if she so desires, unfortunately. I'd move out if I were you so you don't have to witness the chaos firsthand. You cannot save a person from herself, in reality. You can Ask her if she'd like to leave WITH you when you go, but I doubt she'd take you up on the offer.

Perhaps call APS and report Mom as a vulnerable elder . Altough without record of dementia or Alzheimer’s diagnosis and if mom seems coherent to APS and denies anything is wrong they can’t do anything . You may have to wait until it gets worse . Also if your mother knows you called it will make living with them impossible for you.
You could also call and try speaking to a social worker at your County Area of Aging to see if they can talk to Mom to maybe go to the doctor.
I’m sorry that you are witnessing this , I don’t think much will change until an emergency .
Would you consider moving out ?
Maybe other’s will post better options .

It definitely sounds like your stepfather is enabling your poor mother who obviously is an alcoholic by buying her the alcohol she's consuming daily.
Have you confronted him privately and not in front of your mother? If so, what does he say?
And of course alcohol itself when drank in excessive amounts affects ones memory dementia or not. Add the fact that you believe your mother is showing signs of dementia and it is a recipe for disaster.
Your stepfather may very well be ready for this marriage to be over, but then he should just divorce her instead of waiting for her to drink herself to death. I mean really.
The only thing you can do at this point is start attending Al-Anon meetings which are for family members of alcoholics. I'm sure your city has many of them every week. They are very helpful.
You possibly could try calling APS and reporting a vulnerable alcoholic adult being enabled intentionally by her husband, but your mother may just stick up for him if they were to come out to investigate. But it may be worth a try.
You will also want to start planning your future and where you'll be living when your mother dies as you already know that he won't allow you to keep living in his home once she's gone.

Honestly, I would remove myself from this toxic environment.

She is an adult, it is her choice to drink or not to drink.

I would be more concerned about what is going to happen to you after she dies, he certainly is not going to take care of you.

Might be time to start planning for your future.

You need to go to Al-Anon. So many I suggest this to tell me "I already did that". IF they did, then they missed rule one which is that you cannot do anything about an alcoholic. You can decide whether to STAY with them to to LEAVE them. Looks like stepdad decided to stay. For you, I would advise you to leave.

When someone chooses alcohol over family, over life, there is little to be done about it. And given the desperation we seem to have as human beings to "escape life", it's an option. When your Mom is drunk she doesn't care that she's aging in place with a man she doesn't even much like. She has a best friend. It's alcohol. It's her choice.

You need to get on with your life. Let your Mom know you are there if she needs you, and stop talking about her drinking. Give her the number for AA meetings near her, and move. That would be my advice. I am sorry. I have watched, over my 81 years, many alcoholics make this choice. My dear brother's last partner spent his last six years with severe alcoholic encephalopathy, trying to steal listerine and other mouthwashes in his ALF. It's very sad. But some cannot escape it.

Excellent advice has been given to you by others responders who have "been there and done that".

You cannot have your Mother's recovery for her.

You aren't responsible for her happiness.

You must stop wanting her to be someone she never was and will never be -- unless she voluntarily and consistently chooses sobriety.

May you gain clarity, wisdom and strength, and receive peace in your heart as you enforce a necessary boundary.

She's chosen the way she wants to go.

I hope you can stop being their guest and go somewhere else. This is truly out of anyone else's hands.

Sorry this is happening to you.

There's nothing to do. If your mother at 85 can still get sauced every day at her age, then more power to her. Clearly there must be something between her and your cheating stepfather that you are not privy to. She wouldn't defend him like that to you and they would not have stayed together if there was no love or affection there.

As for you just trying to save her life. Come on. Your mother is an alcoholic. You're not going to get her into recovery at her age. It's amazing that she can still drink at her age. So let her enjoy her booze and whatever time she has left.

I know it's hard to have an alcoholic in your life and to watch someone drink themselves to death. My first husband was an alcoholic. He died young. At 85, I think we can say your mother beat the game.

Your step-father is her husband. It is his right to decide what he does with their assets when she dies. The same applies for if he died. If she has a Will then you and whatever siblings you have will inherit whatever is stated in it.

Seriously though, you should take MeDolly's advice and start planning for your furture. Your step-father does not have to let you stay in the home and he owes you nothing.
Take some steps on your own behalf and make plans.

A. Next of kin is in charge - that would be her husband
B. Unless she has a guardian - which can be decided in a court of law - very expensive and will need two doctors stating that she is incapable of making her own decisions.
C. Call Adult Protective Services - see what they can do regarding her situation.
D. Above all pray!

She's 85 and has ALZ. Quite frankly, if she wants to drink herself to death, let her. At this point, she's kind of earned the privilege.

https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/locations/online-telehealth?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_content=fl&utm_campaign=gmb

Here'a virtual offering that includes recovery and mental health; if finances permit, you're 135 miles away.

P.S. You can always request a welfare check by the Adult Protective Services (https://www.myflfamilies.com/services/abuse/adult-protective-services).

I'm just so sorry for you and about your dilemma. I'm no expert, but my lay-person's response is, your mom is 85, and may well have Alzheimer's. It's more complicated if your mom has always been a drinker (to any degree, whether problematic or not). If that's the case, and her mental cognition is on the decline, stopping something that's always been pleasurable to her is most likely impossible, short of locking her down, which obviously isn't an option. In my own experience, we cannot control our parents--particularly in a situation like yours. Try to go 'gray rock' and 'walk away'--emotionally, not physically. They have lived their lives as they've chosen or how 'best' works for them, even if it's dysfunctional. We've got three adults here who have made choices throughout our lives. It's hard as an adult child to sit back and watch, I know. But of the three of you in this scenario, you are the 'most' adult of the bunch. I wish you peace of mind. Therapy helped me a LOT while I lived with and was my mom's caretaker for 5 years. Actually, it saved my life and I actually GREW during that awful time. Sending support and love, tk.

tkfitness66: Only the alcoholic must want to cease consumption. All of your efforts to get your mother to stop will not work. How on earth is she wiling to defend an unfaithful spouse?

If somebody is not ready to stop using alcohol or other addictive substance, you can not help/make them stop. Your step-father could be charged with abuse. Let him know that and contact the authorities.

You can't save your mother's life.

Every alcoholic or addict has an enabler. Your mother's husband is also getting something from the dynamic, whatever it may be. It's a destructive relationship but you are not going to be able to break the bond between them. Let them have it.

It's time to do some soul searching of your own. You may be co-dependent. It's easy to let someone's addiction take over your life because you think you can save them from themselves. You can't.

Here's a good article on de-dependency.
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-codependency-5072124

Your mother has chosen her path and there is absolutely nothing that you can do to put a stop to it.

I come from a family of addicts and alcoholics and I've seen it all. The only thing that I have not seen is the addict being convinced against their will to get help.

If I could have saved my favorite aunt, who was addicted to benzos, or my twin brother, addicted to benzos and alcohol, or my ex-husband, addicted to alcohol, I would have, but it's impossible.

Their "love interest" killed them.

My brother's doctor once told me, as I was wringing my hands over his condition, "It's his addiction. You need to let him have it." I'll never forget that - it seemed harsh - but it was the truth.

So, my advice is to let your mother have her addiction and her marriage, toxic as it may be. If you want a healthy life, you need to move out of the unhealthy environment.

@tkfitness66

If your alcoholic mother drinks as much as you say she does, her obvious signs of Alzheimer's may not be that at all. She could very well have wet brain. It's happens. My ex-husband had it.

The best thing for you is to just leave them alone and move out.

Think about how hard it is to make changes you want in your own life. Now think about how you can possibly hope to make someone else change their life. Even if they want to change the only thing you can do is provide support and cheer them on and be a friend if they need a friend. This is the reality of life for us all. Once you come to be aware of this and accept it you can find peace and take on the role you wish to and be of use to your fellow man. But the most valuable lesson i have learnt is that focusing on others and how they need to change is a good way of not looking inside yourself. In my view it is our purpose to become the person we can look at in the mirror and say yeah i did ok and along the way i had some fun and helped some people. The person in the mirror is the one you have to answer to and that means doing what you think is right by yourself and by others. So once you can live with your decisions then that is the best road to take. No one else unfortunately can answer the questions for you. Also we have to choose the best path we can with the awareness we have at the time and with the benefit of hindsight we might realise it was not actually the best path. But that is also the point of life we have to learn to accept the outcome of our choices.

You can obtain Guardianship.
If what you are saying is occurring and you can provide proof that this is an unsafe environment for your mother and that her husband is facilitating her decline I do not think a Judge will deny the application for Guardianship.
It is daunting, it can be expensive (mom's assets would pay the costs though) and there is a lot of paperwork.

ALZdoes not usually come from drinking. Even though its under the Dementia umbrella it effects the brain much differently than other Dementias. Its also hereditary. Runs in my Dads family. Drinking is what causes Moms problem. If you have POA for her you can remove her from the situation butvsounds like she isbon DHs side.