I have disabled the battery several times and she keeps calling the gas station to come out and jump the battery. Today she insisted on starting the car again to no avail. Now she is frantically calling everyplace in town (on a Sunday) to get someone to come out. They are call tired of her calls and coming out whenever she demands. She is terrified that she will not be able to get anywhere if nobody is here and OMG she has to go get her hair done!!! Help.
Is she?
We have so very many posts about the car dilemma. I know you are often here and will have read them. There seems no really good answer other than reporting in person to DMV. Sadly, in most cases this isn't stopping seniors. We ourselves have half the time been at war with one another over just who is responsible for these lethal weapons that incompetent drivers are on our roads, and what is to be done about it.
I still don't know if you are staying with mom or going, if you are going to be guardian or POA or what rights you actually have to intervene. Me, I am trying to get that car out of there. But not at the risk of her calling the cops and saying I stole it.
Wish I had an answer. But like most of your issues with your mom, other than placement and your moving away about 1,000 miles distant, I just don't have an answer.
Please go to your Mother's Doctor & tell him/her you cannot cope.
'
Surrendering driving is often very emotional and profound -- and difficult for the family that is managing this. Spend some extra time with her to help her get over the hump, take her anywhere she wants to go, ask other family, friends, neighbors to take her on errands for a while. Is your Mom on anything for anxiety? If not, maybe consider speaking with her doctor about this option.
You have one problem after another, with no solution
You can bring a horse to water but you can't make them drink.
I asked you on another post, what happens when you put your foot down with mom, in a loving way, have you tried?
People have given you suggestions after suggesting about the hoarding and garbage , have you thought about that issue, have you decided what to do about the garbage issue?
You ask questions but we never get back anything that your following though.
Tell your mom , until you stop bugging me to drive, I won't bring you to get a hair cut. Simple as that. It's not rocket science
Please do something besides complain.
This may sound rude to you but sometimes honesty is what someone needs
Are you getting a break, are you getting help, are you getting the garbage under control, are you going to get rid of the car?
Are you reading up on dementia?
What have you done about the over eating?
What are you doing to make your moms and your life better????
Call the County Area of Aging TODAY for the county your mother lives in . Tell them you are burned out and you need to go back to your own home and your mother lives alone and she can’t . Ask them to please send out a social worker to the home to assist with placement . This is how I got my mother out of her home.
DO IT !!
If this doesn’t work then leave the home and call APS.
This may sound drastic but life is messy and tragic at times. Rip the bandaid off fast , get it done . Dementia is an awful disease . It has tentacles that strangle the caregiver. You are burned out , get Mom placed.
You are clearly over your head in dealing with her, time to move on, regain your life.
I will assume Mom is in her home. I will assume Dementia is present. As such, she should not be driving her car or living alone. If you have POA sell the car. Out of site, out of mind. If not, park it at your house, if u have one, or ask a friend to keep it for you. You need to get it out of her sight. Then when she asks where it is, tell her its in the shop for a tune up. Everytime she asks, its still being worked on.
Our neighbor had her Mom, suffered from ALZ, living with her and her Moms car sitting at the top of their driveway. They told her she was too old to drive. Her response "I know lots of old women who drive". I told them, get rid of the car. They did.
If your Mom has Dementia it will worsen. She can no longer make informed decisions about her life. You now have to make those decisions. You sort of become the adult and her the child. You will also become the badguy. Its what it is.
But anyways Roger, your mom has dementia, ya gotta stick up for her, if not for you do it for her.
You wouldnt just let a 3 yr old run in the road. Your mom can't make those choices. Of weather or not to drive, and hoarding
I'll tell ya what I told my army brother, "Grow a Pair" probably why he won't talk to me. 😂
Not everyone is a caregiver. I wasn't. I placed my Mom in a nice AL and later when the money ran out, a nice LTC with Medicaid paying. Denentia is hard to understand and to deal with. Its so unpredictable and the person has no idea they have it. So, they forget they are old and can't do anymore. They try to drive because they think they can. You telling them why they can't literally goes in one ear and out the other. They can forget what u say in a minute.
You may need to make the decision to place Mom.
Driving
Soon, she started having trouble on the road. It was like she didn’t notice road signs anymore. One time, she slammed on the brakes, thinking there was a ditch in front of her car. On the highway, when a car would pass her in the adjacent lane, she’d brake, thinking it was her car that was moving backward.
Whether the patient should continue to drive or hang up their car keys is a common area of contention during the early stage of dementia progression. Patients often insist on driving well past the time when it is safe for them to do so. According to the National Institute of Health, nearly one fifth of patients with documented dementia continue to drive, and two-thirds of those who continue to drive have impaired driving ability.
Signs of Unsafe Driving
· Forgets addresses, gets lost in familiar places.
· Lacks awareness of time and place.
· Does not pay attention to road signs.
· Does not observe speed limits.
· Drives slowly and makes mistakes.
· Gets brake and gas pedals confused.
· Becomes angry and confused while driving.
· Does not pay attention to street curbs.
· Has frequent car accidents.
How to Ask a Loved One Not to Drive
She thought she was lucky in finding a parking spot whenever she needed one. When her car got towed, we found out that she had been parking in front of fire hydrants.
Ideally, you want to get the patient to agree to stop driving. This is likely an anxiety-provoking subject for the patient, as it would mean giving up a large measure of their independence. By addressing their anxiety, you’re more likely to get them to cooperate. If unsuccessful, however, you may have to resort to more extreme measures, such as hiding the car keys, disabling the car, or selling it.
Getting Help From Your Doctor
In many states, doctors are required by law to report to the local health department if a patient is diagnosed with dementia, or is impaired in a way that makes them unable to drive safely.
· Ask your doctor to advise the patient not to drive anymore. Patients usually respect their doctor’s advice more than that of their spouse or caregiver. Make sure to get the doctor’s order in writing so you can show it to the patient if they forget.
Getting Help From the DMV
In many states, you can request the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) to evaluate the driving skills and safety of a loved one that you deem unsafe. You can request the DMV to not divulge your identity. Based on the results of a road test, restrictions may be placed on the driver, like not being able to drive at night, during rush hours, or on freeways.
· If the patient’s driver’s license is revoked, you can direct the blame at the DMV. This may help to redirect the patient’s anger and get them to cooperate with you.
Notify Your Insurance Company
I asked my wife to pull over for a minute while I ran to the store to pick up our order. As I was waiting to pay the cashier, I looked over and saw my wife standing next to me. Surprised, I asked if she had found a parking spot. “No,” she said. She seemed so calm, so innocent, that I panicked. I ran outside and found the car double-parked, driver’s door ajar, with the engine still running.
People with dementia are advised to contact their car insurance carriers to ensure that their insurance policies remain in force. Amendments may be required to cover for their illness. Insurance companies may refuse to pay damages if a person with dementia gets into a car accident and the company was not informed of the dementia at the time of diagnosis.
People with dementia ??? Where did you get this - it doesn't make ANY sense.... allowing people to drive with dementia?
This is how people get killed when allowed to drive. Check your research.
* Her license needs to re revoked (through MD and DMV).
* Take her phone away or block calls - coming in and going out. Do not allow her to be calling 'demanding' to start her car 'again.'
* You likely cannot stop her from obsessing (perhaps possible with medication; requires MD assessment).
* Ensure you know your legal authority over her accounts / medical decisions, DMV-driving, banking/finances.
* A lot depends on her cognitive functioning which you do not discuss here.
* If she is diagnosed to be of 'sound mind,' then perhaps there is little you can do.
* In addition to getting a medical evaluation, you might need to contact an attorney. You must get your legal authority / documents in order.
The priority here is to NOT ALLOW HER TO DRIVE if there is a dementia and /or reason to believe she might drive and injure or kill herself or others.
Gena / Touch Matters
Another example of elder driving was my mother's friend, who said that a stop sign was just a suggestion. I said "Mother, you will NEVER ride with Doris again."
Your mother's DL needs to be revoked by the MVA. As your mother has dementia, the auto should be removed.
It's really hard for anyone to lose independence, and it sounds as if your mum is in the early stages of dementia, so she is aware of losing hers.
Try and talk to your mum so it feels to her as if it were her choice to get rid of the care - costs, fuel, maintenance etc.
In the meantime, report your mum's cognitive decline to the licencing authority and get them to revoke her licence.
See if the doctor will be the "bad cop" and tell your mum that she is no longer able to drive.
If you have POA, or once you do, limit mum's spending, so that she can't just replace or fix anything that she shouldn't have.
Get the car out of sight - it's broken and in the garage .
Take some control now - over your mum's life (because she can't) and over your life (because you can).
It's time that your mum be placed in care. I'm not exactly sure what "assisted living" is in the US, but if you could find a facility that has everything on site, your mum would likely feel more secure and content. After the initial upheaval, that is.
I wish that my mum had moved while she was still strong enough to take part in activities, without my help, or to pop downstairs to the hairdresser on her own. Stimulation and socialising are really good for people with dementia - and for those of us without it.
Please do this soon before it's too late for your mum to feel the benefit.
To put it simply, you are going to have to transition into parenting your parent!
You are the one with the sound mind. Her safety and others that drive vehicles in the world are counting on you to protect them!
So, when you remove the car ( hint hint) notify you local police station of her condition because she may call to say hey vehicle was stolen ( don’t know if they can flag her calls) but possibly you can find out. Not too sure how you’ll decide to deal with having the phone but, it will have to go in the equation also.
Be prepared to hear the “never ending” broken record of where’s my car, I need to drive to go here and there, how dare you sell my car, move my car, get rid of my car etc….
Our parents are already “strong willed” lol as are we
however, that entangled with dementia, and dying brain cells is a chaotic mess🤦🏽♀️ No disrespect intended. I have stood in your shoes just different scenarios and incidents.
Parent her as lovingly as you can, the same way you parent your children( if you have kids)
Ex. You are grounded.. give me the keys😅🥹🙃
Wishing you the best❤️🩹