I just love what Old Dude said about your parents marriage being a black hole you don't want to be sucked into. Wondering if you can update us whether you implemented any of our suggestions to tell your parents you don't want to be their marriage counselor and don't want to hear about marital discord.
Thanks so much for your post. As with many family situations, there is often a great deal of background and complexity that make it difficult to offer advice in this kind of forum that can be useful. But my first thought is that I applaud your desire to want to help improve the situation between your parents.
That said, how you are able to help, if that is an option, really depends upon the relationship and level of communication that you have with one or both of your parents. Are you able to sit down with your mother and speak together calmly and constructively? Is she able to express the reasons why she is in an unhappy marriage?
Although this forum is very helpful in many ways, I believe your situation requires a professional marriage counselor. Perhaps you could consult with this professional alone as a first step to get a better handle on the complexities and approach. If your mother can join you later, perhaps that’s another good step in the right direction.
Aging brings many behavior changes, fears, expectations, grief associated with changes etc. Have their PCP recommend a Geriatric Care Specialist, have them help assess the parents and offer options. It is a place to begin.
questions for you... Has their marriage always been like this? You are living with your parents. Is it possible that your dad is grumpy because he now has another person living in his home once again? You say you are "saving money" by living at home. Are you contributing at all to the household expenses? Are you paying 1/3 of all the bills? How you might be able to help is to find a place and move out on your own. Now I may be off base here and if dad or mom have medical conditions where they need help and you are helping them with some of the things they can no longer do that is another thing. If that is the case you need to discuss with them what you can and can not do, what you will and will not do. And if they do need help, if you are seeing signs of cognitive decline then you need to discuss that and make sure that they have paperwork in order so that you can effectively help care for them All that said if they are cognizant you need to step back and let them run their lives.
It's their marriage, if it is dysfunctional, then it is. Are you wondering how to approach her? You suggest that she is unhappy but If people love one another and can find a path together that is functional to them and no one else is injured, who is to say that it is wrong?
Take my advice and stay the H E double tooth picks out of their marriage. They created this dyfunctional dynamic before the children came. I don't know why some parents feel the need to drag the kids into their arguments.
Let me put it this way: your parents have been married HOW long? And have had HOW many opportunities to get divorced but haven't???
No parent wants their child's help with marriage issues. You may think they do. And they may even pretend to want your help. 😁
But when push comes to shove, they will stick up for each other like crazy and make YOU the bad guy! 😑
I learned this thru scar tissue 🙄. Mom was foul to dad for the entire time I was alive, 65 years, and treated him like dirt. He got sick of it when he was approaching end of life, finally, and started fighting back. When I told mom to back off, dad got SO angry he quit speaking to me! Said I was treating mom unfairly 😣
That's when I backed out of THEIR marriage and told them to quit calling ME to fix THEIR issues. They weren't looking for help. It was just their dysfunctional dynamic at play after 68 yrs and not subject to change. They loved one another, I suppose, in spite of it all.
It’s up to your mother if she wants to live with him. Whatever happens, she certainly shouldn’t move in with you! Be sure she’s not prepping you for that possibility.
And it’s none of your business anyway. Presumably this has been going on for a while. This is not the time to get all worried about it. You have your own life to live.
a) it's none of your business, and b) you have no control, anyway
If your Father's incompetence with money is a new thing, maybe there's something going on with him cognitively. If he's always been like this, then stop expecting him to be someone he never was or will be.
Has he always been grumpy? If not, then this too may be a sign of "something else" but unless he's willing to talk about it or voluntarily seek help, then you have no power to change anything. The most you can do is have a gentle discussion with him at an appropriate time to let him know you've noticed concerning changes in him and want to know if he's ok or if he needs help with anything. If he waves you off, then leave it alone.
You are trying to control something that you have absolutely no control over.
Why would you even want to be involved in such a personal matter?
Have either of your parents asked for your opinion? Even if they have, you can tell them that this is something that they will have to work out for themselves.
You should not be involved in the marital issues of your parents. That simply is not your business nor concern. If either parent tries to involve you let them know you are not wanting to be mediator, nor in the middle of what is LIKELY a constant for them for some time.
Wondering if you can update us whether you implemented any of our suggestions to tell your parents you don't want to be their marriage counselor and don't want to hear about marital discord.
Thanks so much for your post. As with many family situations, there is often a great deal of background and complexity that make it difficult to offer advice in this kind of forum that can be useful. But my first thought is that I applaud your desire to want to help improve the situation between your parents.
That said, how you are able to help, if that is an option, really depends upon the relationship and level of communication that you have with one or both of your parents. Are you able to sit down with your mother and speak together calmly and constructively? Is she able to express the reasons why she is in an unhappy marriage?
Although this forum is very helpful in many ways, I believe your situation requires a professional marriage counselor. Perhaps you could consult with this professional alone as a first step to get a better handle on the complexities and approach. If your mother can join you later, perhaps that’s another good step in the right direction.
Hope this helps in some way.
Steve
Has their marriage always been like this?
You are living with your parents. Is it possible that your dad is grumpy because he now has another person living in his home once again?
You say you are "saving money" by living at home. Are you contributing at all to the household expenses? Are you paying 1/3 of all the bills?
How you might be able to help is to find a place and move out on your own.
Now I may be off base here and if dad or mom have medical conditions where they need help and you are helping them with some of the things they can no longer do that is another thing. If that is the case you need to discuss with them what you can and can not do, what you will and will not do.
And if they do need help, if you are seeing signs of cognitive decline then you need to discuss that and make sure that they have paperwork in order so that you can effectively help care for them
All that said if they are cognizant you need to step back and let them run their lives.
Has your Mother (or Father) directly asked for your help?
It's their marriage, if it is dysfunctional, then it is. Are you wondering how to approach her? You suggest that she is unhappy but If people love one another and can find a path together that is functional to them and no one else is injured, who is to say that it is wrong?
Perhaps see a therapist.
Gena / Touch Matters
OP lives with the parents . So OP may be drawn in as well as a distressed witness .
Your profile says you live with them to save money but you “ find it isolating and stressful “.
Perhaps you should find a way to move out of THEIR home if the dynamic is bothering you .
No parent wants their child's help with marriage issues. You may think they do. And they may even pretend to want your help. 😁
But when push comes to shove, they will stick up for each other like crazy and make YOU the bad guy! 😑
I learned this thru scar tissue 🙄. Mom was foul to dad for the entire time I was alive, 65 years, and treated him like dirt. He got sick of it when he was approaching end of life, finally, and started fighting back. When I told mom to back off, dad got SO angry he quit speaking to me! Said I was treating mom unfairly 😣
That's when I backed out of THEIR marriage and told them to quit calling ME to fix THEIR issues. They weren't looking for help. It was just their dysfunctional dynamic at play after 68 yrs and not subject to change. They loved one another, I suppose, in spite of it all.
As for money Mom should take over finances.
And it’s none of your business anyway. Presumably this has been going on for a while. This is not the time to get all worried about it. You have your own life to live.
a) it's none of your business, and
b) you have no control, anyway
If your Father's incompetence with money is a new thing, maybe there's something going on with him cognitively. If he's always been like this, then stop expecting him to be someone he never was or will be.
Has he always been grumpy? If not, then this too may be a sign of "something else" but unless he's willing to talk about it or voluntarily seek help, then you have no power to change anything. The most you can do is have a gentle discussion with him at an appropriate time to let him know you've noticed concerning changes in him and want to know if he's ok or if he needs help with anything. If he waves you off, then leave it alone.
Why would you even want to be involved in such a personal matter?
Have either of your parents asked for your opinion? Even if they have, you can tell them that this is something that they will have to work out for themselves.
That simply is not your business nor concern.
If either parent tries to involve you let them know you are not wanting to be mediator, nor in the middle of what is LIKELY a constant for them for some time.