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My mother is turning 87 and at a point where it's more than obvious something is wrong with her, She lose 10 pounds in a couple of months, her clothes don't fit! She urinates a lot more, she has bags of urine soaked pads in her home. She sometimes has short term memory loss, can't remember something told recently, constantly repeating the same things to me. She also for the first time in her life stopped wearing makeup and also stopped wearing any jewelry. Something she would always do. I think she can't find her jewlery, possibly her vision got so bad that she can't put makeup on, she hasn't had an eye exam in 2 years, won't go. She also cries sometimes, something she never did. I asked her to see a doctor and she yelled at me, right after that she made plans to go to her 94 year old brothers house for 1 week, He verbally abuses her, last time she stayed there he starved her for 1 week, claimed no one delivers to his house which is not true, my brother is driving her there, he won't listen to me and does what she wants... Last time she saw the doctor was this past march, everything seemed ok but she has changed since then

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The last time she was there, she scrubbed floors on her hands and knees and ended up with a hairline fracture in her knee.

She is very clearly mentally ill, as is he. I don't think you can help her.
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marcie88 Sep 2022
Right, ever since then she has never been back to her old self and the leg never recovered. She hasn't gone back there alone since then, recently she was there with a lot of relatives for a party and was driven back home by my brother. Now she wants to go back alone again because i told her to see a doctor.
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You can't save a person from herself. Unless mom has been declared mentally incompetent, she's free to do as she wishes. It's hard to watch all the chaos, knowing something is wrong, yet being unable to DO anything about it. You'll probably have to wait until a crisis hits, like she falls or gets sick, calls 911 and goes to the ER, and then she won't be released to live alone anymore. That's when her power of choice is removed and she has to go live in Assisted Living or a Skilled Nursing Facility.

It's odd that your brother is willing to drive her back to your uncle's house after what happened last time, huh? UGH.

Maybe your mom has a UTI, based on her symptoms, which I very rarely say, b/c everyone here is constantly recommending an elder be tested for a UTI. But in this case, with 'urinating a lot more, bags of urine soaked pads in her home' memory loss, and the rest of it, it sounds like there COULD be a UTI going on which is easily cured with antibiotics. But if left untreated, could go into a kidney infection and wreak havoc. I realize you can't force mom to be tested for a UTI either, but just throwing that idea out there.

Best of luck.
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MargaretMcKen Sep 2022
Losing weight fast can be a symptom of galloping cancer. Mother’s brother didn’t stand over her with a whip to make her scrub floors, she opted to do it herself. Perhaps they both wanted to act like it was old times? Perhaps she knows her time is nearly up, and just wants to see brother again? Perhaps Marcie and her own brother don’t agree on what comes next? There’s a lot to think about here.
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Perhaps you can try to negotiate with both her and your brother a bit.

Tell her to test at the doctor for a UTI, then she goes off to see her brother. Tell her that a UTI is easily treated with antibiotics, and she'll feel infinitely better during her visit.

If it isn't a UTI, so be it. She can decide what to do then, but at least that easily-fixed issue could be quickly ruled out.
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Marcie, she is 88 and she is losing weight fast. She doesn’t want you to tell her what to do. She has decided to go back to her brother who treated her badly last time, and your own brother is going to make this happen. This is very distressing for you, but there may be nothing you can do.

It’s quite possible that something will go badly wrong on this next visit. Is it possible that your brother thinks it might be enough to get her into care? It’s also possible that your mother’s life is coming to an end. The best thing you can do at this point may be to start checking facility options for her if she can’t go back to her own home.
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Do you have a power of attorney on your mother? scrubbing floors at the age of 87 years old is nuts! You have got to get your mother to the doctors office or admitted into a hospital for observation to find out what is wrong with her. Something sounds seriously wrong with her. I'm sorry you having to go through all this with your mom. Who has power of attorney?
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marcie88 Sep 2022
My brother has power of attorney, he is older than me. She is a people pleaser has been her whole life, but her losing weight is a red flag also her letting her personal appearance go. I am really worried about her.
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