Follow
Share

I have anxiety and depression issues... which are amplified by my mom's behavior. She "hums" as she calls it, which sounds no different than her moans. It drives me insane. To the point where I hear the humming even if she's not doing it. I'll think she's humming, go check on her and she's asleep.


She's bedridden. I can understand that she also has anxiety and depression. She's 74. She becomes irritable. It's insane. I can walk, I can leave... but... then I feel guilty. If I leave the house while she's humming or go into my room.


She'll "hum" when she's trying to reach for something and can't. She'll hum when something is bothering her. So I always try to fix it so she won't hum anymore.


I feel like jumping off a cliff. Sometimes I think I would rather die than listen to another second of her humming.


She knows it bothers me. I have expressed to her that I can't stand it. That it raises my anxiety. She'll have sympathy for a minute, then go right back to doing it.


Nothing helps me. If I leave the situation I feel guilty and also the situation becomes worse.. she'll get agitated. If I stay and put in some earrbuds to listen to music, she'll get mad that I didn't hear her calling me. She'll say "I tried calling you but you were listening to music again!" There's no winning!


I feel like I'm going insane. The only peace is when she is asleep. So I tend to wake up really early before she wakes up to get 1-2 hours of peace and quiet. And I'll stay up really late. This results in little sleep.


On top of her humming, she is a loud, talkative woman... she always has been. She is funny sometimes as well and we do have moments of peace where she makes me laugh. But she's boisterous and nags. Whereas I'm quiet, reserved, etc. I LOVE quiet. She loves noise. Has her TV super loud. Everything has to be loud.


I'm going nuts.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I would expect the humming is a self soothing tool for Mum. Likely she is not aware she is doing it until you mention it.

You need to get supports in place. You need a break.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I just read your first post. You have been dealing with this for a long time. Maybe the next time Mom is hospitalized and rehab is suggested, let her go. While there, have her evaluated for LTC. Where I live, rehab and LTC are in the same building so transferring over is easy.

I don't see things getting better as she ages. You need to have a life of ur own. You deserve some peace. Your post said that you pay out of pocket for some of Moms needs. Does she not have Social Security?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
thepacifist May 2020
They were deducting money out of her social security for some unreported earnings from my dad (now passed). They have stopped collecting now, so she has a bit more income and can pay for her prescriptions now. That was in 2017. Things have been a bit better. We're more organized. She has a nurse coming in once a week. A nurse's aid coming in 3 times a week to give her a bath. Things are a bit better.

However, my mom still has the same personality and nothing has changed with that.
(0)
Report
My Mom had Dementia. In the last stage she began to hum. Each day that went by she got louder to where she was effecting the other residents of the NH. The Nurse said she was suffering from anxiety and they gave her a medication for it. Maybe ask Mom why she hums. If she says it calms her, maybe medication will help.

I have no depression or anxiety but that humming would drive me nuts too. I am sensitive to loud noises. Right now my grandson is watching a video about fruit. The Orange's voice and laugh drive me crazy.

Your needs are just as important as Moms. Years ago I had a friend who was deaf. So was his wife and they had a baby. I asked how they knew when she was crying. He told me the lights. Seems they had the lights hooked up in such a way when the baby cried the lights flickered. Things must have improved by now. Maybe there is something where Mom pushes a button and you wear something that vibrates. You can then wear ear buds or whatever to drown out her humming and loud TV.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I'm sorry you are going through this. I sincerely echo Geaton777's response, and in addition to seeking outside help, may I suggest some form of healing modality for yourself such as yoga or meditation. These have shown to reduce anxiety and increase a sense of well-being, and even 10-15 minutes a day (the key is to be consistent) can do wonders. It can be any activity that brings you peace and a calm mind - art/music therapy, journaling, etc. - something you do just for yourself.

Sometimes the greatest form of self-love is asserting boundaries, i.e. not responding every time she hums (tough love). She just might stop :)
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

thepacifist, I'm sorry for your distress. I want you to try and internalize 2 things:
- no one can control you unless YOU give them that control
- you are not responsible for the happiness of others

Normally I commend those who caregive for another (and make no mistake, you are doing a difficult thing!) In your case, as Cwillie noted, it seems (unfortunately) that you are doing it from a place of fear, obligation and guilt -- unhealthy, dysfunctional motivations that are harming you and will continue to break you down. Please seek outside help to get perspective and support for yourself. Take care of YOU. There is no shame in this, only hope. I sincerely wish you all the best! May you gain peace in your heart and courage to go out and live your own life to its fullest!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I've looked at your history on agingcare and I see that you have been posting for several years. My dear, I don't normally jump on the bandwagon of those who recommend therapy but it seem clear you are doing this from a place of fear, obligation and guilt and a lack of consideration for your own worth, you desperately need to find a way to become your own separate person ((hugs))
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
thepacifist May 2020
Yes, you're right. I do. It seems like I was on track to do that, then everything went downhill when I just regressed back to the way things were.
(0)
Report
You haven't said how it came to be that your relatively young mother came to be bedridden or in your home, given her age and your desperation that doesn't sound like a sustainable arrangement.
Leaving your mother daughter relationship aside - while the "humming" itself may be getting on your nerves it's your reaction to it that is untenable - you need to stop reacting as though every vocalization is a signal to drop everything and run to her aid. It's like living near an airport, you either learn to ignore it or you live in misery, never certain when the next plane will destroy your serenity. It's going to be difficult to tune this out now that you have become hyper sensitized to it but I'm going to suggest earplugs or headphones for you and limiting going in to her to a scheduled time when you check on her.
A wireless doorbell can be a good call bell for home caregivers so that she can summon you if needed, but that only works if she is respectful and doesn't over use it.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
thepacifist May 2020
I was there for the entire thing, so without sugarcoating it... my mom gave up. Very simple. She was walking with a walker due to 13 back surgeries. Then she fell. And I guess that scared her. She had tests done. Another surgery done because they thought it could be spinal stenosis. Nothing helped. One time she started walking again with physical therapists, then... she stopped. She just lied in bed and gave up. She slowly lost the ability to walk due to her fear and muscle weakness. I know that it was a mental issue rather than a physical one because I was there the entire time - even though she would say the opposite. I witnessed everything. And was there for it all.
(1)
Report
I would also point out that the reason you have ear buds in is because of her constant humming. Until she is willing to compromise, the ear buds stay in.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Has your mother been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist for her agitation, anxiety and depression?

Is YOUR anxiety and depression being treated?

Your care is keeping your mom out of a facility. After the virus issue is resolved, you might want to reconsider if she would be better off in a AL or a NH, but for right now, to make this work, you BOTH need to realize that you are not "on duty" every minute of every day.

She must use headphones with her TV. She must wait to have her requests fulfilled. You are allowed to listen to music and NOT be made to feel guilty when you were not instantly available.

The next time she says "oh, but you were listening to music", say "yes mom, that is one of the joys of my life and it allows the peace I need to be able to care for you".

You are not a slave.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter