My mom doesn’t have dementia or Alzheimer’s, she’s just mean and angry! I love her but don’t like her. Suggestions??

Get a mild dose of (ativan) or....? to deal with anxiety. You can not take much of this on a long term as you will become angry and you mental health and relationship will become miserable.

Have you asked her why she's so angry? Perhaps she's scared, lonely, and feels forgotten. Have you told her how you feel? Have you tried to find a common ground, rather than making decisions for her and having her feel like she's got to give up her autonomy in order to have help?

I would suggest talking to her, and finding out if it makes sense what she says to you. If you dismiss her feelings or her fears, it may lead to that anger she always exhibits to you.

If she's in constant pain, finding a good pain management clinic might be in order. Chronic pain (or almost chronic) really takes a toll. There could be all kinds of reasons why she's that way, and I would suggest you attempt to find out - perhaps it will be eye-opening enough to have some serious changes made for a better relationship.

I recently read a few articles which helped me tremendously.
Yes your mother is being abusive.
Merely inform her she has a choice: either she starts respecting you are she can hit the pavement and get the Hell outta here.
I cannot do that here because it is her house and I am an unpaid caregiver (funny how she can find money to give her other son and grand daughter who do no work around here but I should kiss her ass because she puts a roof over my head, food in my belly and a roof over my head. This despite the fact that if I leave she will be going to a old folks home which would be living hell for her.).

After reading those articles I see how she manipulates and abuses me. That stopped quickly. Now, unfortunately, for my own good, our relationship is formal. That is to protect me from her.

You may need to do the same. Keep your relationship formal.

On the other hand, because of the move, she has no friends and is lonely. So you are going to be the one responsible for this in her mind.
Yes I know that we have lock down but why not take her shopping and see if she interacts positively with others in the store. See if there are any volunteer opportunities for her.

file:///D:/HOW%20TO%20DEAL%20WITH%20NARCISSIT.pdf file:///D:/Boundaries-with-a-Narcissist.pdf These are fantastic articles. Boy they were bang on with my mom. Go on YouTube and look up surviving narcissism 7 things narcissist's fear the most, with Dr. Les Carter. He has a whole series that is great.

I'm kinda in the same boat but im thinking back on a time when my kids were teens. If I threatened to punish them for messing up they would say something like "Y6ou can't do anything because we will call Child protective services and you will go to jail". So, I thought for a moment . Then I said "You know, maybe that's what we need to do, because you don't seem to be happy here so maybe you will find a foster home that you like better. It might be the best for all of us. " They looked puzzled. "What do you mean by a foster home?" so I said " Well, how did you think that would play out? " If I am in Jail , you will have to go to Foster care until you are 18. The Authorities are not going to just let you stay here by yourselves." I didn't hear another word.
I'm wondering now if that would work with Mom being demanding ungrateful and angry all the time. We love her too but she treats us like servants and we always do everything wrong . Maybe she would be happier somewhere else. I think I will go and get some brochures for a few retirement homes and leave them on the kitchen table.

From the OP's profile:

Mother is living with: age-related decline, anxiety, arthritis, depression, hearing loss, heart disease, mobility problems, parkinson's disease, sleep disorder, stroke, and vision problems.

Was living in Georgia, has now been in her new home with elevator (so presumably her own home, not part of a facility) for five months, with OP avoiding her company, in Texas. Decided in August-ish that she didn't like it and wanted to go back to GA.

With that list of health difficulties to go on,

#1 I would be very surprised if mother was cognitively intact. Heart disease and Parkinson's - for how long? Both eventually lead to different types of dementia. Stroke? It would be remarkable if mother hadn't developed any at all.

#2 Arthritis and impaired mobility. The elevator in her new home will allow mother to access her bedroom, bathroom, perhaps. But what about fresh air? What about companionship? What about her immediate surroundings, and the people she sees going by?

#3 Impaired vision and hearing. Could be both caused by and exacerbated by dementia, but will also accelerate dementia.

So, let's imagine - your mother is running into serious health and day-to-day living problems and lives several states away from you. Concerned about her, you move her to a lovely new house, with all modern conveniences, near you. Alas this does not seem to make her life completely better: she is dissatisfied and very unpleasant to you, so you avoid her as far as possible.

I am sorry that she isn't grateful - I'm not being ironic, I mean that it is very painful when you have moved mountains to help somebody and this is the thanks you get. But look at this from her point of view. Angry at the world? She does have big things to be angry about, such as pain, deterioration in her quality of life, loss of her abilities; and unfortunately the solution you came up with does nothing to address those. And now she's on her own, worlds away from her familiar environment.

My suggestion is to think again about where she's living, and think in more detail about what support she needs to enjoy a reasonable quality of life.

By the way - I asked whether she has always been like this because there is a world of difference between a Career Complainer on the one hand, and a formerly contented person who is angry and miserable for extremely good reasons on the other. With the first, you focus on what her needs are, meet them, and accept that her complaints are largely recreational (you'd almost be worried if she stopped); with the second, it is really important to acknowledge and engage with how she's feeling.

Imho, if she wants to return to GA, then so be it. Prayers sent.

In my opinion, moving house can take 6 months or so to adjust. She will be grieving her old home, friends, social connections.

Even if outgoing, it takes time to join new groups & make new connections. To feel like you fit into your new area - even just finding a new coffee shop. For quieter types or those with depression, it's a harder task. Then add any Covid complications shutting things down/limiting things too.

The 'poor old me - it's all your fault' attitude is silly (unless you really did force her of course). So don't take that. Explain she chose to move & it will take time.

What was the reason? If living physically closer to you was the goal - she has achieved that.

Or did she actually want to live with you & you look after all her needs yourself? Sometimes.. when you ask.. you get shocked at the answer!

I do not know how you can love a person like this. You may wish you could love your mom and have a good relationship but it has never worked in the past so why try? I have to say that moving when you are old is very hard. It took me 3 years to get used to a beautiful place I chose for myself. I had nostalgia for my old home. But my life had changed and I needed a quiet supportive environment. Now I love my new home and have new friends. I think she is lucky to have you care for her. Maybe you should tell her that. There is no helping some people. You really went out of your way for her. Is it possible she is complaining to get you to do even more to try and please her? Maybe take her to look at homes near you that she won't like, of course. I assume she couldn't go back to the exact place in GA where she lived. Discuss other options in GA. Maybe tell her you will find a different place for her to live soon because it isn't working out for you either.

Get an "Elder Cottage" for her and stick her in the back yard! She can then get angry by herself.

Perhaps I have correctly read all of the OPs information. Why did Mom move from GA to TX in the first place? Was she having some type of problem? Was she living in a senior facility in GA? Did you both talk about the move and agree to it. Is the current home you both live in a single family home (you are almost forced to see and communicate with each other) or does it have a mother-in-law suite (you two miss each other for 2-3 days with luck).
Has she always been mean spirited? Leopards seldom change their spots as they get older and if she has always been this way..... well, you kind of knew this was going to be a bumpy road. You do realize that any medical problems she had in May that are related to aging are only going to get worse, not better. If she was living alone in GA and was capable and competent, perhaps you should let her go. If you are an only child and she doesn't not have close friends, you should prepare yourself to be, at the very least, next of kin for phone calls from hospitals, etc should she become ill or incapacitated. This can be a very difficult conversation (maybe have it after you goth develop a "return to GA" plan.... when she may be in a good mood, but if you don't have it place, discuss with her the benefit to her of having a current DPOA, medical proxy and living will in place. You will be happy to have those in force regardless of her location. Good luck on your journey.

Sometimes the best thing to do is stand back and say.. I cant do this.

You say "I moved her" did she agree to this?

You and Mom need to lay out ground rules and boundaries of conduct. Make it clear to her if she cannot keep whatver these commitments are then she will need to go somewhere else.

If your Mom is reasonably capable of living on her own in GA then let her return.
Start making plans now for when the time comes she will not be able to live on her own. Get her agreement to that plan. When that time comes implement the plan.

you bought a home with an elevator, moved her from GA to TX. You have put out a lot of money and a lot of time. If you did all this without her being on board you are really being quite controlling of your Mother and she may not be ready for it.

If she is mentally competent, then she can make her own decisions. Seems she is more than capable of deciding where to live and how to make this happen. Don't let her push you around. It is not your job to make her happy; only she can decide to be happy. When she acts up, the "visit" (whether in person or over the phone) is over.

It sounds like she’s emotionally abusive, it will affect your health and life if you allow it to continue. I think first you should have a talk w her and be straightforward in enforcing some boundaries with the expectation that she abide by them and if not you’ll need to talk with her about alternate living arrangements

My guess is that she wasn't happy in GA either!!
After years of my NM complaining about living with my brother in Co, my Mom decided to move near me in Montana.
Now all she does is complain about her current living situation !
I offered to help her move back to Co!!
It might be easier for you to take her verbal abuse from long distance!
By all means, send her packing!!
You're not her "Whipping Boy "!
Hang in there!!

Lololololol...Im sorry for laughing but this gave me a chuckle this morning...Ive gone through the same thing with my mom and my husbands 101 year old Grandma who is living with us right now....poor thing lost her husband of 75 years and this year lost her home due to fires in Northern Cal...she has been extremely angry and ugly at times because all she wants is to go live back up there but theres many complications to that obviously....the family has been working on a living situation for her but in the meantime its been rough
.....in my experience the anger comes in waves...Its taken a lot of time and therapy but Ive learned and am still learning to not take it personally...the behavior will dissipate for a while and then rear its ugly head for a while so just expect it. Have empathy but set boundaries if you need to...try not to argue or enable the behavior...its also ok to just smile and say, "ok mom"...with older people less is more..take breaths, take care of yourself and take "breaks" when you need to, get help when you need it...thats about all you can do..

If your mother is living independently and has complained "only" 4 times in 3 months about wanting to go back to GA, you are getting off easy. Could she return to GA and could you arrange for some Home Health Care or an aide if she needs some help?

Hi Montie:

If your mother was always mean and used you as a punching bag she may have Narcissistic Personality disorder.

Search for it on your search engine of choice.

If she does have NPD, she will never change.

If her behavior is recent and unusual behavior it may be that she is hates the move.

I agree with the person who mentioned that she may suddenly behave if you use some reverse psychology and tell her you will help her move back to GA.

This may chasten her.

With that said, if she does have NPD, even that will not change anything.

Anger is part of the disease. Please keep in mind that her brain is broken. Knowing that my dad has a broken brain helped me so much. If she had any other physical disease that changed her appearance, you would be very sympathetic. So understand, she has a broken brain. The disease is making her act the way she acts.
We put dad on an antidepressants that has helped a lot. It took 2 weeks to work. I have learned to walk away from confrontation and take deep breaths. I found a fabulous book on dementia and a couple support groups. I go to Bible study and pray a lot too.

Grocery stores will save boxes for you and Uhaul sells them. Give mom her wish and enjoy a better life for you both

you say she does not have dementia, etc., then why the move?  How old is she?  Does she have other disabilities that you purchased a house with an elevator? Are there any other siblings?  Maybe she was happier where she lived and since you moved her, then yes you will get the downfall of anger.  Has she always been angry at you? or does she angry at others as well?  If she upsets you that much then not sure its worth the stress you are putting on yourself.  If you are contemplating that she will soon need some help, then speak with an elder attorney, and also with your mom, discuss the future and how she wants things handled.  Wishing you luck.

My goodness. I needed this thread. I have no idea why I keep wanting to please my mother, and it just comes back to bite me. I spend WAY too much mental energy going over and over our last interaction. Each one ends in a mess. Thank you all for your responses to the OP. They are so helpful.

I wish you the best of luck. My big problem with this covid I lost my income then our truck broke down and mom told us she'd give us 400.00 a month for the payment. That was our down fall now she is with use. I live in hell everyday. She has numerous medical problems (mostly her own fault because she doesn't listen to the doctors) So I decided to open a shop on line to get money in, hopefully to pay off truck. Yesterday asked my friend how to get medicaid for mom so I can put her *** in a faculity. If I could get in a faculity I might be able to pick up a part time job. Right now I stuck at home watching her because we can't trust her by herself. Thank you all for your answers makes me think and feel better to put her someplace.

Your mother doesn't have dementia.
She wants to return to GA.
So... what's stopping her?

I hope it isn't you. Where she lives is properly her own choice to make.

The reality, though, is likely to be that if you change your tune and do - with good grace, mind - offer to help her pack, that will be the last you hear of that idea. She will probably switch to how it's all your fault that she now can't move back to GA even though she longs to because it's impossible for reasons that... are probably all your fault too.

Am I guessing right, approximately?

Has she always been like this, or are the limitations and pains of old age ruining her temper?

You are under no obligation to like anyone - even family. If she is not a person you friends with- that is ok. Also avoiding a mean-spirited person is important for mental survival. I have no suggestions -- seems like you have it under control.

first of all that sucks, I know it first hand. I will recommend a book first Difficult Mother’s and grown daughters, it will give you some perspective.🙏🏼
my second suggestion is to let her go, help her pack and enjoy your new life.
it reckless in regards to you own life to still be trying to be responsible for your mother and still be trying to please someone that is unpleasable. Her own shadows will end up haunting you forever and you will resent her and that is no way for you to live. You deserve a full life, just like she already had and can continue to once you let her go💝 peace to you. Tammy- adult daughter of a miserable mother. Let it go~

I hear your frustration - I too loved but did not like. Has your Mom been tested by a Doctor to tell you she if free from mental health problems? Dementia can be mild and seem normal, even when it is not. I finally learned that I had to put aside my feelings and deal with Mom. I got myself a therapist, for me not her. As I learned to deal with my own feelings, I found it easier to deal with her.

I wonder, does your Mom have any friends in TX? Does she have any activities that she will participate in? Does she have any other in home caregivers? Moving her from GA to TX does separate her from friends and possibly family that she knew for a long time and misses now. Check out her Insurance and see if she has coverage for a therapist for her (I did this for mother). It turned out to be a good thing even though she had dementia and didn't remember why the lady came every two weeks. It turned out Mom thought she was a friend that had come to visit and she loved it.

Don't stay angry with her it is not worth the damage you are doing to yourself. Get that therapist and find your way to peace with her even if is only within yourself.

You seem to understand the situation. You love your mother. Maybe you feel a familial responsibility. But you don't like your mother's behavior. That is how I felt towards my father.

My advice is to make space.

I moved him from FL to MN near me so that I could monitor his health first hand and to do things for him that would difficult to do remotely, but easy if he lived near by.

But i did not want to live under the same roof since he's always been a downer, negative, unpleasant. So, we found a complex that offered both independent and assisted living. He liked that idea.

Sometimes we'd talk about topics that made me mad. But over time I was able to separate necessary conversations from ugly talk. I started to tell him I was not interested in the ugly talk. I would cut him off when he started down the path of ugly talk. I would leave if needed.

But I always returned to clean, pay bills, take to dr... I felt good for taking care of him. Maybe he wanted a sounding board for complaints and that I could not provide. But I did the best I could for him. That's all anyone can do.

Can you find the space, separation, you need in your house? If not then consider an apartment for her. I know you bought a house with her in mind so this would be a big change of plans. But do consider it.

As others have said also consider moving her back to GA. If she really wants that then it's not a bad option. It will be much harder for you to care for her. You will need to rely on others more.

If she is going to live independent then look into an emergency pendent and a service for daily call. And other in home services for cleaning and food.

Dementia or Alzheimer’s? Aren’t they the same?

Why did you move her?
Was there a medical reason?
Was this to make it "easy" for you to manage her appointments and other things? If so there are Care Managers that can do this for you and for her since she would be paying for the service.
If you are avoiding her then she might as well be back in GA.
If this is what she wants and if this is what you want then help her find a place that is suitable in GA for her.
Look for Assisted Living facilities that also have Memory Care. There is a possibility that with the Parkinson's she may eventually be diagnosed with LBD (Lewy Body Disease, another form of Dementia.) One of the symptoms of LBD can be outbursts and violence.
But as long as she would be safe where she ends up then it would be a "win-win" she would be back in GA and you would not have contact with her.

What’s in this for you? I’d likely talk to a counselor to get help on why you are in this living arrangement with a person who makes you miserable, if you don’t know. Some people are in those kinds of arrangements due to finances, lack of options, etc. but if that’s not the case, figure out why and ways to remedy it. It’s unlikely a person in their 80s will change. I wish you all the best in finding her alternate housing.