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84 year old In laws had ( are) been living in an Assisted Living Facility. Both with early to mid stage Alzheimers. One of two sons passed away in 2018 from massive heart attack. FIL had comorbidities that lead to his passing this past January 2022. He was in Hospice for 3 months. They were " attached at the hip". Never apart. 63 year marriage. Since dad's passing mom is struggling with the nighttime. The quiet....alone....darkness...dad not there. It's overwhelming for mom. We have a private caregiver ( companion) during the day to help with activities and conversations. Mom is active during the day, goes to exercise, plays games with other residents, eats in the dining room. Private Caregiver stays until 7 pm when mom usually goes to bed. But once Caregiver leaves and the facility activities slow down mom goes into this overwhelming mode of being left alone. The facility aides come in and check on her several times during the buggy. Mom sees a therapist/ counselor for grieving. I have taken a pillow and put one of dad's shirts on it so she can hold onto it at night. She also sleeps in his shirts. We are setting up a white noise machine for her to use next. She has made a little "shrine" of dad's pictures in the corner of her bedroom to look at when she's in bed. She is on medication and doing better on it than without it. Without it she was crying all the time. Alzheimers makes this so difficult. She doesn't remember what caused dad to pass away even though I've written it down for her. I am aware there are some couples who pass away within a short time of each other. Does anyone have any other suggestions on what we could do for the "nighttime"?

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I don't have any advice but this is so sad. It's still so new so hopefully she will improve with time. If/when she gets to the stage of not remembering that he's dead, there is no need to remind her. It's kinder to give a vague answer of him being somewhere else or that he'll be back soon, etc. Don't want to make her relive her grieving.

Good luck.
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My advice is to be patient. Time will help lessen her pain. She will eventually forget him or his death.

Does she like to watch TV before bed? Or listen to music? If so, you can have the aide put it on and have it turned off by a timer.
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This is still pretty fresh pain. Maybe MIL is going to bed too early and thus can't sleep. You wrote she attends exercise class, but maybe she needs mental exercise to help wear her out a little more so that sleep will come easier and deeper. Not sure what types of exercise and games she plays with the others, but maybe the companion aid can do something a little more challenging with her? My 100-yr old aunt with advanced dementia was having trouble sleeping through the night even though she exercised on a portable "pedaler" for 20 minutes a day, colored in a book, was walked to the mailbox, and played cards or Rummi-Q (her rules). But once we added in folding large stacks of kitchen towels, sorting plastic utensils and colored poker chips (which she would arrange into patterns, unprompted) she started sleeping through the night and now very rarely has problems. Somehow the "purposeful" and more mental activity seemed to be what she needed. Maybe try something like this for your sweet MIL. May she receive peace in her heart.
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My parents were married 65 years when dad passed. The first year alone was terrible for mom. She said lavender chamomile tea helped calm her evenings. At bedtime her doctor gave her melatonin 10mg & dramamine 25 mg chewable tabs. This really improved her sleep but did not make her feel drugged or dizzy. Her depression eased but it took a solid year. Such a sad and lonely time that no one else can ease.
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Sometimes a voice can provide comfort - my 85 yo mom keeps the radio (NPR) or music on all night. I got her one of those clock radios with night-time sounds (rain, waterfall, crickets, etc) and that is also soothing. I have also tried audiobooks (she has a fave that she listens to repeatedly) but the tech is a bit beyond her if I am not there.
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Moddie Apr 2022
My mom enjoys her audio books, too. We subscribe to Audible ($18 a month) and incudes MANY books for that monthly fee. She has an Echo Dot that all she has to do, to listen to her book, is say “Alexa, resume my book”. Alexa starts right in where Mom left off. Sometimes Mom will say, “Alexa, go back 5 minutes” if she needs to get caught up to where she left off. You have to set it up with your smart phone, but if I can figure it out, you can! Alexa and Audible have folks who are super helpful and actually answer the phone every time! “Alexa, stop” will pause the book and shut herself off. Been a game changer for us!
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My MIL passed in Dec . Same issue. Nighttime is tough, Sounds cruel but I kept waking my father in law up when I’d see him sleeping in his chair. He slept. Better at night because he did not nap during day. Or….Get her a doggie . Play sleepy time music for her ( I use an Alexa dot speaker system so my mom doesn’t mess with it) or get her a stack of books ( if her cognitive abilities allow ) . Hope this helps
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I have heard that a weighted blanket can help with night time anxiety.

I am so sorry for your families loss.
May The Lord help you all find a way through this difficult time.

She must really feel his absence when everything settles for the night. After all, this is usually when a married couple is truly alone together with nothing pressing for their time or attention.
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MaryKathleen Apr 2022
My kids gave me a weighted blanket last year. The one I have is quilted in squares with glass beads in each square. It is so heavy if I was any weaker, I would not be able to get out from under it. I have it in a box under the bed because it is sort of scary to use. I am NOT a scare-de cat. It isn't that warm either.
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"Alone at night" is a big part of the shock and depression for most people after a spouse dies. In a facility or at home, the empty room or the empty house is screamingly QUIET. Alone is really alone.
January 2022 is extremely recent. It is important for her to let those emotions of despair and loneliness and devastation play out. If she can express them verbally or in writing, encourage her to do so. Daytime activities are great and will help her build some connections at her facility, but they do not eliminate the need to feel all the emotions that she is feeling.
A counselor might help, but if her Alzheimer's is still mild enough that she can participate in group conversations, a support group might help even more She and other people can tell their stories and share their shock and listen to others who are going through the same things. She might learn she is not insane nor is she alone in her loneliness and shock. There are online support through churches, Hospice organizations, or connections from Alzheimer's Association.

In my own early months of widowhood, a support group helped me feel I had not gone entirely insane. I was alone most of the day and night and did not talk to many people, but I wrote down my feelings and I wrote "to" my deceased spouse and I wrote everything I felt. At first I wrote for several hours a day. It was a big help in getting feelings out in the open and off the "hamster wheel" in my head. Counselors may recommend "journaling," which sounds unnecessarily formal. Just write what you are thinking--curse words and all. If MIL is not up to writing a lot, cold you arrange a way to tape her verbally so she could just talk about how she is feeling in the middle of the night? (PS_I wore my husband's "cancer hat" at night for a while. I still wear shirts and jackets of his and thank him for his wise choices in something comfortable.)
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Ask the doctor about TRAZADONE for sleeping. Maybe staying up for the 10 p.m. news, taking the pills and wearing a sleeping mask? The white noise machine, as suggested, would calm her.

Does mom use the Internet?
https://www.verywellmind.com/best-online-grief-support-groups-4842333

If not, perhaps the national hotlines are available 24 hours and she could call whenever she wants.
https://www.opencounseling.com/hotlines-us
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My husband of 58 years passed away about 1.5 years ago. I sleep with the TV on very low. Just a little sound so the house isn’t so empty and quiet. For the first year , I took a tiny bit of trazadone because it helps me avoid uncontrollable crying. I don’t need it very often now, but I’m tearing up as I write this, so may take a little..@25mg.
Fortunately, I live at home and don’t have dementia at age 81, but I still miss the comfort of sleeping with my husband.
One thing I like is a vase of fresh flowers I can see and focus on when I’m falling asleep. Also, I wonder if there is a scent available that would remind your Mil Of her husband. It could go with the pillow with his shirt. My husband wore Aramis for decades, and every so often I take a good whiff of that.
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When my dad died, Mom who did not have dementia, listed to the radio at night. It was a trucker channel and she got to where she felt like she knew them personally. They would talk about road conditions, weather, smokys, and other things. This was in the 70's before a lot of modern technology, so it might not work today.
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I’d go for the radio or permanent music, on soft. You could also try a large soft stuffed toy, dressed in Dad’s pajamas. Even one of those long bolster pillows. Just something so that when she reaches out, there’s something there, not just a cold gap. If Dad used a particular brand of deodorant, you could wipe the shirt with it. Best wishes, and I do hope that something helps.
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Talk to her doctor about a sleep consult. Doctors that specialize in sleep can prescribe different medications to help her fall asleep and stay asleep.
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Tina2010: I am very sorry for the loss of your MIL's husband and send condolences. I cannot fathom what your MIL is having to endure as sixty three years is a very long time to have been together. As she is already taking the medication that her physician has prescribed, perhaps she can listen to soothing music. Alzheimer's certainly makes this much more of a challenge. Prayers and love sent.
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I can only imagine her grief. Can you record stories that she can listen to until she falls asleep? Or songs she and your father listened to? Maybe create some new night time routine?
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We bought pillows for my husband with our pictures. My daughter bought an extra large for me. It’s comforting
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So sad. This letter could have been written about my aunt and uncle. Same scenario. She forgot he died.
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