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The home is on lockdown because of Covid-19 and so we have not seen each other for 5 weeks now. They tell me that as a couple they are definitely a couple and always together. I am intellectually trying to understand, but I am heartbroken and angry and feel betrayed and my kids are devastated! Help

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Don't apply 'normal rules' to a disease that throws everything normal right out the window! If possible, try to think about your husband's comfort and happiness right now. If he is happy having someone to care about in his MC home, then that may keep him on a better path in general, with less anxiety and acting out. Remember that he's not doing this to hurt you or his children in ANY way, shape or form.........he's just been taken over by a brain disease that's changed him. Entirely. He's no longer the husband or father he used to be, thanks to Alzheimers/dementia.

When I was working in a Memory Care home, we had a man who'd come see his wife every single day. She could not stand him..........she berated him, she said filthy, nasty, foul things to him the entire time he visited. Nobody could understand WHY he'd put himself through the torture chamber known as the daily visits to her. He did so because he knew in his heart that it was the disease throwing those ugly words at him, and not the woman he loved and who he'd married many years previously. The disease stripped her away from him, and it wasn't her fault. So he continued the visits day after day after day. This woman was also well known for taking off her blouse & bra & showing herself off to the men in the home. Plus, she was known for showing up in their rooms at night........her husband knew about her 'appetite' as well, and he just chalked it off to dementia too.

Explain to your children that Dad needs comfort; that he's getting comfort from a new friend at his Memory Care, but that it has nothing to do with THEM or with YOU, or with the love he feels for all of you. It's hard to wrap your minds around such facts, but if you want to allow yourselves (and him) to move forward with a good quality of life, it's necessary. If your children see & hear YOU accepting the situation, they may come around a bit more easily themselves.

I'm really sorry for everything you're all going through. Dementia and Alzheimers is such a dreadful disease, I know, my mother has dementia and lives in Memory Care herself. Sometimes I don't even know WHO she is, she's so foul and ugly. In fact, all she does is badmouth my father who she was married to for 68 years and who died 5 years ago June. While I don't like all the nonsense that comes out of her mouth, I chalk it off to her disease. Easy to say, harder to do, right?

Wishing you the best of luck coming to terms with all of this. It's a lot to process.
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Rebecca1033 Apr 2020
Your first sentence will be my comfort . It will be my new motto to try to live by as I adjust to my husband's behavior. I still have him at home and have lots to learn. Mainly patience ! Regardless, I am blessed to still have him. Thank you.
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The supervisor had nothing better to do than to go out of her/his way to call you and tell you your husband had a girlfriend? OMG!!! That is cruel. Why? That news must be shared now? It couldn't wait until after the lock down, before you come to visit your husband? That supervisor must enjoy giving bad news to families.
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lealonnie1 Apr 2020
I agree. What the hell was the point of the supervisor doing such a thing? I have a cousin like that.........LOVES to spread bad news! She called my mother who's 93 and lives in a Memory Care ALF and told her 'your place is probably SWARMING with COVID-19" !!!!!!!!!!!! Which is not true, of course. I let this woman's calls go directly to voice mail.
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Really insensitive supervisor to tell OP this now, given that they are on lockdown.  This can be dealt with when lockdown is over
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I am writing from the patients point of view. Four years ago I was diagnosed 1 month before my 57th birthday with early onset Alz. I have read a lot of information on this forum about this very sensitive and personal story about patients with dementia forming relationships in LTC Facilities. I think back to Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor whose husband was institutionalized and formed a relationship with a woman who was also in a memory care unit.

We must understand that at some point the patient doesn't have memories perhaps of being married, and are not with intent cheating on a spouse. but cannot register the significance of their behavior. Yes, it is sad for the spouse to be aware of such a situation that they and their kids are hurt.

I have had a big discussion with my DW and adult children saying when it is time for me to go in to LTC, put me in a facility 100 miles from where we live, so they don't feel like just dropping in everyday. I want them to get on with their lives. I refer to my adult children but I also have a 13 yr old daughter who has not been included yet in this discussion. I want for my DW of 24 yrs to go on and build a new life with another man if that is what she wants, or just feel free to date, and I don't want the kids giving her grief about it. My DW is 8yrs younger than me and she'll have many years ahead of her to enjoy.

About six weeks ago, I on my own chose to give up driving. Yes it has put an extra burden on the family, but I didn't feel safe on the road anymore. I've had the discussion about driving with my Neuro doctor who I've been a patient of since 2005 and every time I have an appointment I've brought the subject up and after she's examined me, we've talked and she's agreed that I could still drive. She told me I'm the first patient in 20 years to bring up the topic, and she believed I would be the first patient who would stop on their own. Tomorrow morning we have a Tele-Med appointment and I will tell her I've put the keys away. I haven't even had an inkling of wanting to drive.

I know I'm declining on a more downward trajectory. I've had a happy life with my DW and family. My hope with my postings over the last four years, as a patients perspective, will help other patients and their family in the way they deal with dementia.
Happy Easter to all.
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jacobsonbob Apr 2020
Hi John, you've made some excellent points and suggestions. I am also happy to see that you are still getting along well. If I ever have to face this or a similar condition, I hope I have the wisdom to handle the situation as well as you do. Let's hope you retain you mental abilities for a long time!
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Sadly, this is not unusual behavior for someone with dementia. One of the major issues with memory care residents is loneliness. I remember seeing my wife coming down the hall hand in hand with another resident (male). I was initially shocked but then realized why she's in memory care. The need for companionship is real and although it's heartbreaking for you to hear that happening, please try your hardest not to be angry or feel betrayed. Depending on the stage of his disease, he may think he's with you. Look forward to your visit and being with him again.



The supervisor's behavior is reprehensible. I would document and report the supervisor's insensitivity to her agency and request that she not be your husband's care supervisor.
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jjmummert Apr 2020
When I was informed that my mom and a male resident had kissed and were "friends," the man's family was also told. It was agency policy to let families know. If either family wanted the two friends to stop being affectionate, the staff would monitor the situation and use distraction.
In my situation, mom and her friend were both widowed and everyone was ok with affectionate day time behavior like holding hands and an occasional kiss. Anything beyond that never had to be addressed. That was memory care. Now she is in skilled nursing and has another special friend who rolls up to her in his wheel chair, tells her he likes her, and depending on her mood, she will sometimes flirt back.

For spouses, I am sure this is heart breaking to observe or be told. It is, however, very common, so much so, that it appears that most facilities have a policy to inform.
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A different slant: I was single for nearly 20 years after husband left me for a younger model, before I met and married DH2. When on my own, I found it was much easier to love someone than it is to fully respect them, certainly to agree to marry them (I turned down several proposals). If you can, let your DH have a little bit of love in his life. Remember that you are the one he respected, married and spent the best years of his life with.
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This is pretty common.
Dementia, he is not the person you married. He may not even realize he is married. Or even had a "life" previously. His reality is the here and now and that reality changes constantly. She can easily form another attachment next week as could he. Or this could go on.
EVERYONE wants to be close to someone else. A hand to hold, someone that is a constant when things around you are confusing.
It is common in Memory Care for this to happen and the supervisor I think was letting you know so that it would not be a shock when you visited again.
The first time you plan on going to see your husband contact the Memory Care and ask that they keep "girl #2" occupied so you can have some time together. It will not change things but you will not have to deal with her at the moment. Later you can do that.
You have done noting "wrong" nor has he.
A "wrong" would be to do something intentionally that was to meant to hurt you or the kids.
Ask yourself this...if he did not have dementia, a broken brain would he ever have gone out and looked for a girlfriend? (some men your husbands age would still be out looking and finding..) If he would have then you can feel betrayed but if he never would have done so you don't have to feel like he has betrayed you.
It is possible that this "girl #2" has traits that you have and she reminds him of you and that makes him feel safe and somehow familiar.
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jacobsonbob Apr 2020
Grandma1954--Your last sentence makes a great point!
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This happened to my grandmother years ago. Her husband had dementia and forgot he was married. He started to date another woman. My poor grandmother was heartbroken. After all, how could he cheat after so many years together? Her children tried to comfort her with the fact he truly did not know what he was doing. For one, he couldn’t stand to be around anyone that smoked and his new girlfriend was a chain smoker 🤷‍♀️. I think this helped her to realize he did not have the same mind anymore. The hurt was real, but in time she was able to forgive and see it for what it was. I’m sorry you are going through this. Wishing you peace
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There was a movie years ago called Away from Her. In it, a woman with Alzheimer's( Julie Christie) is placed in care and develops a relationship with a man who is also in care. The man's wife (Olympia Dukakis) and the woman's husband (Gordon Pinset) have to deal with that.

Julie Christie's character says to her husband that the relationship she has with the man in care comforts her because "he doesn't expect anything from me." I thought that was particularly poignant. Our family celebrates like it's Christmas when our Alzheimer's patient has a clear moment. We call each other and say "She's still in there!" There is absolutely nothing wrong with that but Julie Christie's character's statement made me realize that we all bring almost a palpable hope that she will be "in" when we visit.

I hope you and your children are able to find comfort that your husband has found a way to feel a little more 'normal' and hopefully safer and attached in his new home. I'm certain that for you all it is one more hard loss in the line of hard losses we suffer when we love someone through this disease.
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Invisible Apr 2020
You bring up more than one good point here. Relationships are often a product of shared circumstances. Her husband is no longer living the same life she is living. Perhaps the most significant thing that happened that day was what they had for lunch.
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PatriceAnne, great big warm hug to you and your family.

I can only imagine how hard that news was to receive. I want to encourage you to remember that this is not your husband betraying you, this is his brain betraying him and everyone that loves him. He can't help what his reality is. Alzheimer's and dementia puts the person in the far past and the right now, that's the extent of their reality.

My grandmother had a series of strokes that left her in full blown dementia over a weekend. She too found a companion in her facility. I was young at the time and I remember that she was happy to have him, it helped her feel more secure? Normal? Who knows what she was really going through, but she was laughing and giggling like a school girl and she was non-verbal before. I personally am happy that she was able to have some joy in the midst of this terrible disease. My granddad on the other hand was livid and very unkind in his refusal to see this as her disease and not her unfaithful heart and bad character. Never once paying attention to the fact that she had steadily regressed until we weren't in her memory. I remember as a 10 year old seeing her lose her life, every single day she was further from the present and I watched as people she loved were erased by that regression, so I encourage you and your children to remember him and not the diseased him, love him in the moment because he can still feel the right now and know if it is a happy moment or not. Don't let this ruin your beautiful memories and the reality of the life that created those memories.
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Invisible Apr 2020
Very well said. My father also regressed past his life with us and back into his childhood where he had very happy memories.
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