My husband has early onset dementia at 73 yrs. old. How do I convince him we need to move to an assisted living facility?

This would be a difficult situation if only one of you needed help. You don’t mention whether you have a support system of any kind. Do you have children, other family, or friends to reach out to? This isn’t something you should try to shoulder on your own, especially when you have your own challenges.
 
You will need support, maybe some legal advice, and actual physical assistance with a move and all the associated issues. If you have a support network in place, enlist them to help you look for a place where the two of you can both have your needs met. They should have a continuum of care for increased needs in the future. Start preparing your husband for the changes ahead. You’ll want someone besides you to reinforce the reality of your situation with him. Begin getting some help immediately with the tasks of daily living, until you are relocated.
 
If you don’t have a support network of your own, start one. Call your doctor’s office and ask for recommendations for a social worker or health care case manager. You can also contact the Alzheimer’s Association for information about your local services and programs. They have a 24 hour helpline: 1-800-3900. Or look online: https://www.alz.org/help-support/resources/helpline

You can also find support resources and information online through St. John's Dementia Resource Center here: www.dementia@stjohnsliving.org

Wishing you the best in your search.

Just a thought...I am going through moving my mother (dementia) and father (medical illness) to an AL home. I simply told my mother that they were concerned for him and wondered if there would be anyone to stay with him. I told her I said they'd been married for 72 years and I didn't think his wife would want to stay behind and not be with him. Now she looks at moving with a whole new purpose. Maybe you could convince your husband that he's doing it for you, not him. That you're worried the work, stress and your medical needs are too much for him and that the two of you would have a much less stressful life if he were to move into the AL with you. ie...doing it for you, not him?

1. Be sure that you have POA status assigned to make financial, healthcare, legal etc decisions.
2. If you already have POA, proceed to make the safe decisions to move into a facility that provides both of your current level of care needs and, will have additional services available such as memory care unit when needed ( or may be needed now for him).
3. As you have described his cognitive status, trying to have repetitive lengthy conversations with him about your needs to relocate will
only increase both of your anxiety levels and to no avail; he is most likely based on what you have described already unable to cognitively process appropriately ( hence unsafe behaviors as you have described). So, you or whoever has POA need to move forward with appropriate relocation decisions ASAP. When you know where you will move into, lovingly share with him the date and time of the move and that it is for for both of your safety and quality of life. Expect resistance, perhaps even anger, guilt tripping, and hopefully not violent lashing out. If he exhibits unsafe behaviors call 911 and have him transported to ER where you can then confer with staff and arrange a care facility for him while you are making the move. Then you can bring him to the new residence when ready

This may all sound somewhat harsh, but remember that YOU are making cognitively appropriate decisions for his and your safety and quality of life. He, by definition of dementia is not going to be able to " cognitively understand" and may infact act out or exhibit non compliance. His illness and most likely his unexpressed grief, fear of the changes and the unknown result in his inability to comprehend, acknowledge needs, and or even remember perhaps what you have said .

Move forward with relocation decisions of your choice ASAP. Enlist help of a case manager, or licensed social worker, or other Elder Law services to find locations that will serve you both .

My mother absolutely refused to go. I waited until she was hospitalized, and then prevailed upon the medical staff to insist. She go to rehab prior to coming home. Once I got her in the memory care I told her she could come home when the doctors would allow of course, they will never allow her to live home again it’s been 2 1/2 years now and she has stopped asking. Wishing you luck because this is very difficult.

alextlyn: Take steps now for both you and your DH (Dear Husband) to move to an assisted living facility posthaste.

Lots of good advice follows. Again, coming from another angle, try to discuss feelings, yours and his. Help him understand you are frightened and don’t want to leave him alone while you go for assisted living. Also, sometimes it takes a friend or a neighbor rather than closest family members to convince our loved ones.

Start touring places and make a plan . I feel for you - my Dad almost burnt down the house a couple times and I scrubbed many pans . Start now because the stress will exhaust you - and your mind will be jumbled

my Mom had these problems with my Dad, made it really hard on her, now she's stuck with a big house and in ill health herself. He wouldn't let my Mom tell the doctor about his memory problems, so maybe doctors need to isolate spouses on visits to test for memory problems, then pushing to get help. The driving was the worst, he wanted to drive around all day, sit in a parking lot somewhere and eat a sandwich to watch the birds, for hours....I would ask him, Dad, if you don't want to go home, why do you need a house?...he never did answer me. I would look into assisted living facilities yourself or with a trusted friend/family...and when you find one you like & can afford, just tell him, you have to move. You might have to lie to him, sad to say, but they usually don't listen to reason. God Bless.

Sorry to learn that you and your husband are in an emergency situation and he is no longer safe as a driver or living at home. Disable his car. Please contact his PCP and a social worker at once to place him in memory care. Get yourself in assisted living.

Start visiting assisted living facilities in your area or if you have children and they aren't local, visit some in their area too. Once he sees how much more relaxing it could be for y'all, maybe he will be trying to convince you. Call ahead and most will allow you to enjoy a meal and once you are on their contact list they may start inviting you to some of their activities and if he is social at all, that may convince him. During a meal you get to observe interactions between the residents and the staff as well as sample a meal. Many facilities plan in house concerts/entertainment. In the mean time, consider ways you can begin downsizing and it will be easier when you do move whether it is by choice or necessity. Depending on his degree of dementia, a therapeutic lie may be appropriate.

Below is a link with suggestions. It of course is addressing someone who is moving in alone but he is blessed if you both move in together. One thing to emphasize is while your individual apartment may be a small area, the whole facility is your home and most have nice public gathering places where you can entertain family and/or friends.

https://www.newcarehomes.com/news/10-ways-to-support-a-loved-one-whos-moving-into-a-care-home/

All you have to remember is that you do not need to have his permission to do what is best for him.

You’re his wife. You know him better than anyone else. Tell him whatever you think will work in order for him to receive care.

Major transitions are stressful. Be at peace knowing that you are doing the right thing by placing your husband in a facility where he will receive 24/7 care.

Wishing you well during this difficult time of transition in your life.

I would make sure where you move has a memory care unit so that your husband can be put into it when it gets worse because it will get worse.

Their memory can go fast or hang on for sometime. Believe me when I say this because my BIL has had dementia now for over 8yrs now. We had to unplug his stove he only used the microwave to cook his meals or the family brought meals to him when he was living alone in his apartment. He left the stove on and burnt things set off the smoke alarm.

Their brain says they can do anything but its not true. And they will say they don't have a problem. We took my BIL keys away from him too because he would tell us he wasn't driving when he was a neighbor told us that.

For both of you look for a NH that has everything for you because an assisted living place doesn't have the staff to take care of memory care. It would benefit both of you. They have a dining room where you can go and get your food or they can bring it into your room. And most NH can put both of you in the same room even if he has to be in memory care.

Prayers you get it done faster than later.

He no longer is competent to make any decisions, the ball is in your court, you have to do what is best for both of you.

Driving, no way take the keys away from him.

It is no longer about what he wants, it is about what needs to be done.

His brain is broken, there is no more convincing him, he no longer has a vote.

Sending support your way.

If you have to, tell him the house needs to be tented for termites and you have to move out temporarily, then just don't go home.

Do your research in advance, though. He needs memory care, not assisted living. He needs to be in a locked facility, and ideally you should have a place in the same facility's assisted living section.

Yes, you now make the decisions. He is no longer competent. You set everything up and move in.

You are now the decision maker in the household.
If YOU need the help for yourself and for him then you make the decision to move.
I suggest you take your time and find a place that YOU like and one that will also have Memory Care for the time when you can no longer care for him even with help.
It may even be at that point now where he would be safer in Memory Care. (the "problem" with Assisted Living is that he could still wander out since most AL are not locked or otherwise protected.)

He stops driving today!
It is not safe for you to have him behind the wheel and it is not safe for other residents of your town.
If you have 2 cars take one "to the shop" for repairs.
Get child proof knobs for the stove so that he can not turn it on.
See if you can get someone to put a shutoff valve on the sink in the kitchen so that he can not turn it on.
And he needs supervision at all times in the bathroom. This is for several reasons.
1) to ensure that he is cleaning himself properly after toileting and in the shower as well.
2) Make sure that he is not flushing what should not be flushed.
3) That he is washing his hands
4) That he is brushing teeth and doing other tasks safely and properly.

No more driving period. Take both sets of keys while he is sleeping and hide them good and well.

Next time something happens, call 911. Don’t consult him. Don’t ask him if he wants you to. Don’t announce it. Just do it.

Is he officially diagnosed?

Is your husband fully diagnosed?
Are you POA for your husband?
Do you have assets to move together into ALF?

I would start with a visit to your doctors office; ask for referral to social worker so that you can discuss this issue thoroughly and find out your options.
You are correct. This is a dangerous situation.

If I were you, I'd make the arrangements to move both of you onto Assisted Living immediately because it's no longer safe to stay where you're at, obviously. Please don't wait for a crisis to occur before you take matters into your own hands, or look for a way to "convince" a stubborn elder with dementia that it's the right thing to do. Announce you WILL be doing it, and enlist help in getting the move underway. Be positive and upbeat about it every step of the way, too, reminding dh that it's YOUR physical limitations warranting the move, not a shortcoming on his part.

Best of luck to you.

You don't convince someone with dementia of anything, sadly.

Make plans to move. If he resists, tell him he will be living alone and will need to hire in-home caregivers.

Just set up the move and follow through.