My husband has been estranged from his dad for over 25 years, long story. Now he wants to reconnect. My husband is conflicted. Thoughts?

My husband’s father left 4 kids and their mother when the kids were very young.
My husband and his siblings had nothing to do with their father for years.
When we first got married, my husband somehow tracked his father down (he was living in CT, we were in Westchester, NY.).

Ok....comes the day they were to meet. I go with my husband to the visit. “Dad” lived in a subsidized senior apartment building.
We ring the bell, ex dad comes down in the elevator to see who is buzzing his apartment. I recognized him quickly due to physical family traits (they all looked like each other). The dead beat dad (& he was- left 4 kids under 10, never paid child support, etc) gets off the elevator, comes out asking who is looking for him.

My poor husband. Said to that man who came out of the elevator “what’s the matter, dad, can’t recognize your own son?”. Well the deadbeat dad began trembling he was so taken aback.

That broke my heart.

Imagine how they must feel - your husband & mine, with all the hurt they kids went through because FIL liked his alcohol & women & chose them instead of their offspring.

My husband was just curious about meeting his dad and to his credit did not hold back his feelings to his father at that one meeting.

I for one do not think your husband owes his father anything. From an outsider looking back at the DH/deadbeat dad meeting, I saw nothing but sorrow come out of it. My husband left very disappointed, his dad was left shaking as he didn’t expect the visit. But it satiated my husband’s curiosity & he never made contact again. He was contacted as next of kin when dad died alone and penniless in Tifton, GA. My husband did arrange for dad’s cremation and we had him interred at Arlington National Cemetary. My husband did this only because he has a big heart.

So, no. Things can never return to how they were. In some instances you can indeed “never go back”. This is one of those instances.

I worry that your DH is going to gets his heart broken all over again- the floodgates will open with all those feelings of being abandoned and not being loved by your parent and the memories of FIL & how he disrespected MIL when she passed.

The time to reconnect has passed, & again the FIL is being selfish & maybe looking to guilt trip your husband.

Whatever your husband chooses to do, be ready for a roller coaster of feelings either way.

Maybe a cursory phone call but maybe not. That’s entirely up to your hubby as long as it’s his choice and he does what he feels comfortable doing.

I don’t care for absentee parents waltzing back into the lives of their children and expecting the child to just put the past away & now care for them because they are elderly & there is no one left.

I would shield DH from more heartbreak. His father isn’t going to change now, and has to be accountable for his past behaviors.

Good luck & I hope whatever path your husband chooses is one he feels most comfortable with.

Families. Can’t chose them, unfortunately. But parents too should be called out and made accountable for their past.

First thoughts on the topic, and I slightly hesitate to voice them, is that this is a case of six of one and half a dozen of the other. He neglected his family, choosing this woman over his relationship with his son and son's family. But you pretty firmly rejected the woman who had stood by him while his wife was dying and consoled him thereafter, and don't seem to have given much consideration to his emotional needs.

Years pass, she - at least - is over and done.

Your FIL is very old. I think your DH needs to try to look ahead five years from now, and think about the terms on which he wants to have parted from his father. All things are possible, it's for him to decide. If you can, keep out of it.

It is your husbands father so it is his decision. However, if you personally don’t want to be included then make that clear

The hurt was 25 years ago. Does hubs resent that dad got on with his life? None of you were the least bit interested in even getting to know the woman. Dad received love and support from this woman. They were married 25 years?

For myself, I would try to develop a relationship with dad. Course that is easy for me to say, as I lost my dad 50 years ago, and he will never be coming back.

Stay out of it, this is a decision for your husband, alone. You do not want to be in the situation when dad dies, then hubs regrets he did not try to develop a relationship with his dad. In fact, if I were you I would encourage and support hubs to reconnect with his dad.

Let go of the hurt and anger.

This is one of those intensely personal situations that would be hard to have any opinion on... he was apparently not a deadbeat dad - he was around 70 when he remarried... but to just leave your family in the dust after they lost their mother/grandmother - even in grief that seems harsh... maybe kids could have handled it better - maybe... he was grieving - that can make people do weird things... childhood relationships can be very special when renewed in later life - but weeks after a passing is quick for anyone... I don’t know.

The only thing I would throw in is whether Dad wants to reconnect truly for the sake of the relationship or because he expects son to care for him. That would be something that would tip the scales for me if I were in DH’s shoes.

Good luck to your DH... you are right that supporting him as he works through this is the best thing you can do in a very crummy situation.

I can only share my story. My mother was an abusive drunk who put her men before her children, I basically raised my brother who is 11 years younger than me, I also worked in her milk store starting at the age of 9 or 10. My mother & father divorced when I was 2, she did the same thing to my brothers father, she just wanted the child support. As an adult I did not talk to her for 2 years, then 9, now it's been 8. I tried going back, she would be on good behavior for a short period of time, then the verbal abuse and games would start again. I will never try and mend my relationship with her again, she is a terrible person, who has not changed a bit. I do not need her in my life, I am most happy when I do not have to deal with her.

Statistics prove that men reconnect with new women, or connect with new women very quickly. The thought is that men often need women in their lives more than women need men. The truth is, if the mother was ill and the woman next door supportive there may have been support and connection for some time, at least for emotional support. But whatever the case, it was many years ago.
I think you were absolutely right; the father has reached out to his son at the end of his life. He has almost certainly had some suffering at this disconnect from family, and there is a good chance, if the son refuses any connection that he will have to live with guilt and questioning himself all the rest of his life. I would encourage the son to do whatever brings HIM the most PEACE now and ongoing. When there is no connection this long a man is left having to choose between his new wife and his family. Very sad, and very difficult. Now she is gone and he doesn't have to make that uncomfortable choice that would cause him daily pain no matter which choice he made.
It is time to let go of hatred and pain, to my mind. There is no reason to have a lot of connection, not to do the "grandpa" thing, as they don't know one another, and are basically strangers. But I think it may give peace ongoing to reconnect. I would leave this to my husband with a full, generous heart, and all my support for his personal choice. Forgiveness helps the one who forgives more than the one who is forgiven in all truth. It brings true peace. We cannot always understand the choices of another, and forgiveness isn't dependent on that. But that's me. Your own choice would be up to you.

As I was reading thru responses, 1 jumped out at me... your husband should look ahead 5 years and decide how he wants to have parted from his father. Well...I call bull. Your FIL decided how he wanted to part from you 25 years ago, and now that he’s alone, he wants you back? For you, this has to be your husband’s decision, but he needs to remember that it affects everyone.
Me? I would let sleeping dogs lie...people do not change and the old hurts will never be gone, and possibly will be renewed. Hugs to you and your kids, who grew up knowing they were not wanted by him. It’s a horrible feeling and many of us know it. Let us know what you decide to do.

NeedHelpWithMom, last year there was a TV show called "Long Lost Family" where grown adults were reunited with a parent who had either abandoned them as infants or shut off ties for decades.

The vast majority of the reunions turned out positive. Only a few were the adults didn't want any contact with the grown child.... to me, that is so hurtful.... but your hubby's Dad made the first move wanting to reunite.

I think it would be best for hubby to go see Dad, otherwise once Dad passes without hubby ever seeing him, that may weigh heavy on him wondering the "what ifs".

As AlvaDeerm had mentioned in her post, widowers tend to seek out a new mate as they can't deal with being alone. And yes, I feel that hubby's father ran too quickly to make this happen. I even seen this happen in my family tree marrying only a month after their wife had passed, especially if there were very young children at home...... yet widows didn't remarry until many years later, if at all.

Thus, I think hubby should see his Dad. He can always shut the door if this becomes too emotional for both sides.

Thanks to everyone who have posted and I welcome all comments or opinions from all. It’s just a sad situation. I feel bad for my husband.

Neither you or your kids would have any obligation ...as for your husband, his father is in a care facility, not out on the streets, right? Then I truly don't see any obligation to re-connect.  I believe kids have an obligation when you have a situation of extreme destitution...but resuming a family or social relationship is another matter.  You are right to encourage your husband to do what he wants to do. Frankly I believe that there are situations where the "all happy family" thinking is just silly.

Men seem to not be able to last long w/o a woman in their lives. I know if I died, my DH would be remarried in 6 months and he wouldn't know what hit him!

This is all in the past. Not saying it wasn't awful, in every way possible---but FIL cannot have a lot of time left.

This is up to your dad. He can make an effort and try to clear the air and let it be the same and there's no closure, or he can attempt to close this out on a 'higher' note.

Neither is right and neither is wrong. It just is.

I had a brother die 9(?) years ago. I had not spoken to him for 12 years before that. My mother was so upset that he had died estranged from all family....well it was HIS choice, not ours.

Do I ever have a second's regret about not having 'settled' things? Absolutely not. No looking back, no regrets. He was not sorry for what he'd done and why would I facilitate a meeting when he lies and cries and carries on--doing everything BUT asking for forgiveness?

Let Dh make his decision and move on, Dad sure did, didn't he? And I would fathom he did feel a lot of regret, but to keep peace, he never reached out to his kids.

Sadly, this is a common tale. Whatever you decide, I hope you have peace in that decision.

If DH decides to see his dad, it would be for HIS sake, not his dad's. Forgiveness is for US, not THEM, you know? At this stage of life, and already being in an ALF, dad seems to have his end-of-life plans mapped out and may only want to say he's sorry for all the hurt that's been caused. If it turns out he's after something else, DH can always turn on his heel and leave. The decision is entirely up to your DH and the family; there's no 'right' or 'wrong' here, I don't believe. But there may be the possibility of some closure and some questions answered, and some long overdue apologies from dad that may heal some open wounds.
All the best!

Just wanted to say that you mention you support your husband with whatever he decides, and you are letting him make the decision which I think is a very helpful position to stay in for your husband. Whatever he decides, I suggest keeping neutral and supporting him even if you don't agree. He is in a spot a bit similar to mine. My husband told me the same thing you told your husband. I too called my parents after I considered his words even though personally I did not want to call my parents ever again. I am now in very low contact with them, and it has not added anything good to my life at all. There has not been closure from them. No admitting of wrong doing, and no mutual meeting of the minds to lovingly move forward respectfully. It is just the same old shennanigans still going on that caused the original divide. There is no right or wrong answer. My opinion is to just allow your husband to do what seems right for himself (not his dad) and whatever he decides is okay.

You have to remember your FIL is not the victim here. That woman did not lure him away, he walked away willingly. Now that she is gone he wants back in. If your husband wants to see him to have some sort of closure or to tell him what his leaving did to everyone else I think he should meet with him just once.

My story is not so dramatic as others. My father was always around but he put everyone else before me. Everyone else was more important to him than I was. Then he got old. Friends died or moved away. Family doesn't visit more than once or twice a year. Guess who is a VIP in his eyes now. Me! He wants someone to take care of him. 40 years too late in my book. I make sure he is being cared for but it isn't by me. I don't enjoy spending time with him. The damage is done. He would never understand why I feel the way I do. In his eyes he was father of the year. Sure, maybe to my cousins but not me.

If your husband decides to go it need to be for him not his father.

Regarding my personality-disordered parents a counselor once told me "these people don't change--they get worse with age," and I've read that in many books and articles. Returning to my messed-up parents after years of estrangement was a waste of time, energy and money.

After my dad's second marriage he blew off everyone except his wife. She was very controlling and after 20 years he wanted to leave her because of it but was too frail and dependant to go. Meanwhile he'd abandoned his kids and remaining former friends and relatives so had no one left. I did visit him several times in the few years before he died but found him even more nightmarish than before so I gave up for the last time. He tried to reel me back in with sweet phone calls and letters but I didn't take the bait.

Same story with my mother--long estrangement, she was unimaginably worse after reconnection so I left for the final time. I wasn't disappointed--knew it probably wouldn't work.

So it's true what the books, counselors and psychiatrists say--they get worse, not better. If your husband wants to reconnect but you don't he can go on his own or vice versa. Just don't invest much or expect much!

Wow, heavy stuff! Like everyone says, it's your hubby's decision. I'll put in my 2 cents. Your FIL is 96y/o. Not much time left. I'm not saying they need to be besties or anything, but 1 visit from your husband might be good FOR YOUR HUSBAND, and he is the important one here. 1 visit to say "I'm sorry we lost our relationship", "I forgive you for abandoning me and my beautiful family", "thank you for trying to reach out to me, but...." When your FIL passes away, your husband will be glad he said his peace. No regrets. I hope your husband is well, no matter what he decides.

You (I think it was you) stated that you don't think the dad will apologize. If your husband goes to visit him, and waits for an apology but gets none, then your DH can tell him how much he was hurt by what he did, and hurt others as well. Dad still may not acknowledge his part, but there may be some catharsis in just telling him about the emotional carnage he wreaked. I'm not talking heated anger, just the cold, hard facts. Then he can wish him well, walk out and walk away. This is the ending his dad planned for. He now gets to stew in it.

It depends a lot on what DH would like from contact, and what your FIL is expecting. If your FIL wants to be looked after, forget it. If your FIL is expecting all past hatchets to be buried, or DH is expecting an emotional reunion over the hatchet burial, it sounds like ‘forget it’. If FIL wants to see what he left behind, and so does DH, it might be a good idea. The thing would be for DH to go in low-key, and be prepared to walk out. Low expectations are easier to meet, and could be a useful method of a different ‘reburial’ of past traumas.

No advice here. I just want to say how lucky your husband is to have a supportive wife and adult children who will be there for him with whatever he decides. We are finally at that same stage with my husband and his dysfunctional mother & siblings. Wishing him peace with his decision.

I truly appreciate everyone’s answers and last night I read some to hubby. He asked me to thank everyone and feels you all are intelligent and compassionate. So thanks again from both of us.

Very sorry to hear of your situation. No one can get you quite as hard as "family." I had a similar situation occur only with a sibling. When our mother passed, sibling not only delayed the information but coerced a rewriting of the Will so no other sibling received anything and promptly told our father what was thought of him and goodbye.
To put it lightly, this hurt a lot of feelings. the action was filled with so many lies and complete betrayal - it was like none of us knew the person the sibling became at that moment. Fast forward to today and the suggestion: No matter what the wrong is, how much it hurts, you must Forgive. Not for their sake, but for yours. You need to keep your heart in the right place. It will give you peace now and later. I'm not suggesting being best buddies and daily phone calls, but if you hold that grudge, you only dwell in the pain, the despair and you don't want that muck to be in your life.
It took me five years to get to that point and sometimes wonder if I need five more, but I know it's the right thing, My sibling will have to deal with the isolation from family - might think it's great now, but after time, it's not so sweet and guilt will find - And it's funny, Karma does have a way of repeating history. No, I pity the old age for my sibling.
Embrace your own peace of mind, let go of the past and hurts. Hope this helps.

The answer is very easy.

Once you pass
50 your a slave
To man power And money.

The more of it the better. Reagrdless were it comes from.

I suspect your FIL was caught between a rock and a hard place. He was forced to choose between her and his son. Now that she is gone he is free to choose his son. I would be curious to know what happened during that 25 years.

My SIL was thrown out of his house at age 16 because he defended his mother from getting beat up by his father while drunk. The father was in and out of prison (guns, drugs). Now he is out and wants to feel forgiven by his son. I'm staying out of this one.

See him. He’s old and at the end of life. It’s the past. My story in short. My mom was very abusive only to me. From 4 to 18 yrs. when I moved out and even after that. I’m 60. In late 2005 we became aware from the police ( yes we didn’t visit hardly) that something was wrong with mom. Immediately I flew from Louisiana n brother from Colorado to California. When we went to her house we knew there was problem. Fast forward. She had Lewis bodies disease and Parkinson’s bad. We took care of her for 1.5 yrs till she died. I flew back n forth to my family three times for a week visit each time. Yes she was mean at first. Thought I would beat her. I looked her in the eye early on and told her it was the past it was forgiven long ago and that I love her. I am so glad I did help her. I can lay my head on my pillow and sleep in peace.

You can try. You won’t regret it even if it doesn’t work. Because at least you tried.

Speaking from personal family experience, if your husband wants to see him, he should. Once dad dies it will be too late to ever reconcile or even just talk to him and ask "Why did you abandon us?" That doesn't mean that you or your children need to reconnect, but if your husband has even the slightest desire to see him, he should go now before it's too late.

From the answers, it looks like it could go either way for your husband, but the fact that his dad is reaching out to him is a step in the right direction.

You could be right but imo you are seeing it very one-sided.
Many people who were happily married remarry quickly because they miss the companionship. It’s hard to understand how you can know so much about their life without contact with them. Maybe you are making assumptions that didn’t exist. You also say it’s your husband’s decision while you rant about how you aren’t going to see him so how peaceful are you going to be if he does?
Truthfully I can see my stepsister writing exactly what you said but since I know both sides of that situation I know she created and furthered most of the turmoil. Only you can really examine your motives and heart.

I had something similar with my Dad. Ultimately I chose to communicate with him and had six years talking with him before he died. Glad I held out the olive leaf although I'm the only one of my siblings who did. It helped ME. He died feeling that someone loved him. It was worth it.

I had an experience like this, except it was my sister. She divorced herself of the entire family. Her actions were very hurtful to mom and dad. Suffice it to say, she in effect joined a cult and abandoned her family 21 years ago. By telephone, I kept her informed of mom and dad's hospitalizations, rehabs, nursing home entries, and deaths. I would mention that they would love to hear from her. An eternal optimist, I hoped she would come to her senses in time, but instead, no phone call, no get-well card, no visit, no attendance at either funeral. But I have the comfort in knowing that I had done nothing to perpetuate her poor decisions. Now that mom and dad are gone, I don't expect to see or speak to my sister again. And I understand your quandary because if my sister reached out now to me, I don't know if I could accept that action. But, it is your husband's dad. I would encourage your husband to at least hear dad out. Then, ask himself if there is the chance for some sort of healing. My parents are gone and the hurt my sister inflicted on them can't be healed, thus my decision. For your husband and dad, it's not too late to improve or restore their relationship in some way. There are scars that will not go away, but there is the chance for something better. Give it a try.