My husband has been estranged from his dad for over 25 years, long story. Now he wants to reconnect. My husband is conflicted. Thoughts?

Wow, heavy stuff! Like everyone says, it's your hubby's decision. I'll put in my 2 cents. Your FIL is 96y/o. Not much time left. I'm not saying they need to be besties or anything, but 1 visit from your husband might be good FOR YOUR HUSBAND, and he is the important one here. 1 visit to say "I'm sorry we lost our relationship", "I forgive you for abandoning me and my beautiful family", "thank you for trying to reach out to me, but...." When your FIL passes away, your husband will be glad he said his peace. No regrets. I hope your husband is well, no matter what he decides.

You have to remember your FIL is not the victim here. That woman did not lure him away, he walked away willingly. Now that she is gone he wants back in. If your husband wants to see him to have some sort of closure or to tell him what his leaving did to everyone else I think he should meet with him just once.

My story is not so dramatic as others. My father was always around but he put everyone else before me. Everyone else was more important to him than I was. Then he got old. Friends died or moved away. Family doesn't visit more than once or twice a year. Guess who is a VIP in his eyes now. Me! He wants someone to take care of him. 40 years too late in my book. I make sure he is being cared for but it isn't by me. I don't enjoy spending time with him. The damage is done. He would never understand why I feel the way I do. In his eyes he was father of the year. Sure, maybe to my cousins but not me.

If your husband decides to go it need to be for him not his father.

First thoughts on the topic, and I slightly hesitate to voice them, is that this is a case of six of one and half a dozen of the other. He neglected his family, choosing this woman over his relationship with his son and son's family. But you pretty firmly rejected the woman who had stood by him while his wife was dying and consoled him thereafter, and don't seem to have given much consideration to his emotional needs.

Years pass, she - at least - is over and done.

Your FIL is very old. I think your DH needs to try to look ahead five years from now, and think about the terms on which he wants to have parted from his father. All things are possible, it's for him to decide. If you can, keep out of it.

No advice here. I just want to say how lucky your husband is to have a supportive wife and adult children who will be there for him with whatever he decides. We are finally at that same stage with my husband and his dysfunctional mother & siblings. Wishing him peace with his decision.

As I was reading thru responses, 1 jumped out at me... your husband should look ahead 5 years and decide how he wants to have parted from his father. Well...I call bull. Your FIL decided how he wanted to part from you 25 years ago, and now that he’s alone, he wants you back? For you, this has to be your husband’s decision, but he needs to remember that it affects everyone.
Me? I would let sleeping dogs lie...people do not change and the old hurts will never be gone, and possibly will be renewed. Hugs to you and your kids, who grew up knowing they were not wanted by him. It’s a horrible feeling and many of us know it. Let us know what you decide to do.

Men seem to not be able to last long w/o a woman in their lives. I know if I died, my DH would be remarried in 6 months and he wouldn't know what hit him!

This is all in the past. Not saying it wasn't awful, in every way possible---but FIL cannot have a lot of time left.

This is up to your dad. He can make an effort and try to clear the air and let it be the same and there's no closure, or he can attempt to close this out on a 'higher' note.

Neither is right and neither is wrong. It just is.

I had a brother die 9(?) years ago. I had not spoken to him for 12 years before that. My mother was so upset that he had died estranged from all family....well it was HIS choice, not ours.

Do I ever have a second's regret about not having 'settled' things? Absolutely not. No looking back, no regrets. He was not sorry for what he'd done and why would I facilitate a meeting when he lies and cries and carries on--doing everything BUT asking for forgiveness?

Let Dh make his decision and move on, Dad sure did, didn't he? And I would fathom he did feel a lot of regret, but to keep peace, he never reached out to his kids.

Sadly, this is a common tale. Whatever you decide, I hope you have peace in that decision.

My husband’s father left 4 kids and their mother when the kids were very young.
My husband and his siblings had nothing to do with their father for years.
When we first got married, my husband somehow tracked his father down (he was living in CT, we were in Westchester, NY.).

Ok....comes the day they were to meet. I go with my husband to the visit. “Dad” lived in a subsidized senior apartment building.
We ring the bell, ex dad comes down in the elevator to see who is buzzing his apartment. I recognized him quickly due to physical family traits (they all looked like each other). The dead beat dad (& he was- left 4 kids under 10, never paid child support, etc) gets off the elevator, comes out asking who is looking for him.

My poor husband. Said to that man who came out of the elevator “what’s the matter, dad, can’t recognize your own son?”. Well the deadbeat dad began trembling he was so taken aback.

That broke my heart.

Imagine how they must feel - your husband & mine, with all the hurt they kids went through because FIL liked his alcohol & women & chose them instead of their offspring.

My husband was just curious about meeting his dad and to his credit did not hold back his feelings to his father at that one meeting.

I for one do not think your husband owes his father anything. From an outsider looking back at the DH/deadbeat dad meeting, I saw nothing but sorrow come out of it. My husband left very disappointed, his dad was left shaking as he didn’t expect the visit. But it satiated my husband’s curiosity & he never made contact again. He was contacted as next of kin when dad died alone and penniless in Tifton, GA. My husband did arrange for dad’s cremation and we had him interred at Arlington National Cemetary. My husband did this only because he has a big heart.

So, no. Things can never return to how they were. In some instances you can indeed “never go back”. This is one of those instances.

I worry that your DH is going to gets his heart broken all over again- the floodgates will open with all those feelings of being abandoned and not being loved by your parent and the memories of FIL & how he disrespected MIL when she passed.

The time to reconnect has passed, & again the FIL is being selfish & maybe looking to guilt trip your husband.

Whatever your husband chooses to do, be ready for a roller coaster of feelings either way.

Maybe a cursory phone call but maybe not. That’s entirely up to your hubby as long as it’s his choice and he does what he feels comfortable doing.

I don’t care for absentee parents waltzing back into the lives of their children and expecting the child to just put the past away & now care for them because they are elderly & there is no one left.

I would shield DH from more heartbreak. His father isn’t going to change now, and has to be accountable for his past behaviors.

Good luck & I hope whatever path your husband chooses is one he feels most comfortable with.

Families. Can’t chose them, unfortunately. But parents too should be called out and made accountable for their past.

Regarding my personality-disordered parents a counselor once told me "these people don't change--they get worse with age," and I've read that in many books and articles. Returning to my messed-up parents after years of estrangement was a waste of time, energy and money.

After my dad's second marriage he blew off everyone except his wife. She was very controlling and after 20 years he wanted to leave her because of it but was too frail and dependant to go. Meanwhile he'd abandoned his kids and remaining former friends and relatives so had no one left. I did visit him several times in the few years before he died but found him even more nightmarish than before so I gave up for the last time. He tried to reel me back in with sweet phone calls and letters but I didn't take the bait.

Same story with my mother--long estrangement, she was unimaginably worse after reconnection so I left for the final time. I wasn't disappointed--knew it probably wouldn't work.

So it's true what the books, counselors and psychiatrists say--they get worse, not better. If your husband wants to reconnect but you don't he can go on his own or vice versa. Just don't invest much or expect much!

I can only share my story. My mother was an abusive drunk who put her men before her children, I basically raised my brother who is 11 years younger than me, I also worked in her milk store starting at the age of 9 or 10. My mother & father divorced when I was 2, she did the same thing to my brothers father, she just wanted the child support. As an adult I did not talk to her for 2 years, then 9, now it's been 8. I tried going back, she would be on good behavior for a short period of time, then the verbal abuse and games would start again. I will never try and mend my relationship with her again, she is a terrible person, who has not changed a bit. I do not need her in my life, I am most happy when I do not have to deal with her.

Statistics prove that men reconnect with new women, or connect with new women very quickly. The thought is that men often need women in their lives more than women need men. The truth is, if the mother was ill and the woman next door supportive there may have been support and connection for some time, at least for emotional support. But whatever the case, it was many years ago.
I think you were absolutely right; the father has reached out to his son at the end of his life. He has almost certainly had some suffering at this disconnect from family, and there is a good chance, if the son refuses any connection that he will have to live with guilt and questioning himself all the rest of his life. I would encourage the son to do whatever brings HIM the most PEACE now and ongoing. When there is no connection this long a man is left having to choose between his new wife and his family. Very sad, and very difficult. Now she is gone and he doesn't have to make that uncomfortable choice that would cause him daily pain no matter which choice he made.
It is time to let go of hatred and pain, to my mind. There is no reason to have a lot of connection, not to do the "grandpa" thing, as they don't know one another, and are basically strangers. But I think it may give peace ongoing to reconnect. I would leave this to my husband with a full, generous heart, and all my support for his personal choice. Forgiveness helps the one who forgives more than the one who is forgiven in all truth. It brings true peace. We cannot always understand the choices of another, and forgiveness isn't dependent on that. But that's me. Your own choice would be up to you.