14 months ago, my family brought my mom into our home to care for her after my father passed a few months prior. She suffers from extreme depression and anxiety nearly every waking hour from 9 am to 9 pm. She has some of the best psychiatrists over the past 15 years, none of which have been able to help her. She is essentially resistant to all medication. My family consists of my wife, two children and mom. We have full-time caregiving for approximately 60 hours a week. Despite the caregiving support, our home feels as if it has turned into a hospital. My mom grunts, breathes heavily and ruminates off and on throughout the day. You can hear her through the walls even when she is in her room. We have no family support to ease the burden and give us a break. One sibling was emotionally abusive until we decided to care for her. Another is a homeless drug addict and the last remaining one simply refuses to help under the guise that they "can't handle it."
Our once peaceful, loving home now feels as if it is under a dark cloud of negative and toxic energy creating tremendous stress among my wife and kids. My wife, who is an empath, and took care of her from morning till night for the first 8 months is beginning to become physically ill from the constant stress.
We have researched assisted living facilities and luxury group homes. Last month, we even decided on a group home. It was beautiful, clean, the caregivers were awesome. The night we brought her was the first time we saw the 9 other residents and it felt like hospice. We brought her home the next day thinking we could power through and make it work, but we can't.
She requires constant supervision. She can go the bathroom and eat. Anything else, she literally needs someone with her. She would not receive the one on one care she needs in an assisted living facility or group. Left to her own, she would lay in her bed all day. She has no desire to live as she has been battling this for years.
Money is not an object, but I really do not know where to turn. I want her to be loved and cared for as best as possible. Not sure if there are upscale nursing homes or what. Any suggestions or ideas would be much appreciated.
Another thought is you can rent a small apartment near by for her, where she can continue to have caregivers stay with her 24/7 as well. She needs to be out of your house, if having her there is causing your wife to become ill. Wife has to come before mom. Best wishes.
Or like the above poster said, a small Apt near by with caregivers might help.
But I have a question. It appears you were impressed with the group home but removed her after a day. You said it felt like hospice. What did you mean? The facility was neat and clean and the caregivers were awesome. You may have passed on a good thing. What were your expectations? The key to a great facility is the caregivers, their interaction and concern for the residents. You might want to revisit that place.
I wish you a successful placement of your mom and your return to a “normal” family life.
Well said!
I vote for the group home you changed your mind about. ALL of these places are going to house people in various stages of what I like to call 'disrepair'. They're old, they're sick, some are wheelchair bound, some can't communicate......it's one thing or another. Your mother grunts, breathes heavily, and ruminates throughout the day HERSELF, so what differentiates her from the rest of the group home residents? She's beyond help, as all the medications and psychiatrists in the world have told you.
It's time for your family to live again, to get your mother out of your home and to take your peaceful loving home BACK. You all deserve it.
Best of luck!
Your mom is going to be miserable NO MATTER WHERE she is living.
Better she moan and lay in bed somewhere else.
Take back your life.
If you find a facility that you feel good about, they most likely have several different wings.
They will do an assessment to determine what is best for Mom.
I will be honest!! All of the facilities I toured before I placed my Aunt were kind of depressing to me. Emphasis on "to me".
I chose the one that I felt best about. My Aunt has Alzheimer's and was unable to decide on a pair of shoes, let alone her new home.
I will tell you that they keep her very busy. She is only in her room to sleep. She seems happy!!
The decision is agonizing!! The guilt can be overwhelming!!
Perhaps if she was kept busy with other folks and activities, she may be less likely to have fits.
I found my Aunts facility thru A Place for Mom. It was extremely helpful. But if you have the time, you can just as easily look up and tour places on your own.
Maybe pick 3 then take Mom to choose her favorite.
Best wishes!!
There's nothing wrong with mom besides anxiety and depression? Put her in a home and let her adjust.
My own experience is that the real ‘relationships’ for residents are actually with the staff, not the other residents. (Perhaps different in AL, but that’s a very different level of ‘decline’) With any luck, it’s the staff who are younger, caring, and more upbeat. If the caregivers were 'awesome', your mother would enjoy their company. Perhaps you could visit some more facilities yourself, to get yourself a bit more accustomed to what they have to be like. Look at the residents, not just the sales rep. It’s hard!
1 - Create an in-law type apartment for your mom. Hone health care aides can care for her during the day. Make sure it is well-insulated.
2 - Talk to long term care facilities about taking your mom. The fact that she needs constant supervision means she probably needs their care.
Your family, and by that I mean your household family comes first. (Wife, children and you)
She will do fine in a group home. Sure it will not be one on one like she has in your home with a caregiver. But she will get encouragement from the staff and you have said that they were wonderful.
You say that the group home looked like a Hospice so you took her home, home to a place you say looks/feels like a hospital. What is the difference? Maybe you feel the "hospital" is better than the "Hospice" because there is a bit of guilt trading one for the other?
I was wrong!
It's confirmed. You found a nice clean group home that you liked and that had wonderful staff.. grab it! Mom may or may not be like the other residents - perhaps her happy active days may be over but it's not your fault. You have an obligation to your wife and children which you willingly took on when you got married. Take Mom back to the group home and explain you just got the last minute jitters (and hope they still have an available room). Let her settle in there (and if this means no immediate visit to her for a week or so, don't make it a problem. The social workers and medical staff will guide you as to how she is settling in. She may decide she wants to dress and snooze in a chair all day - it's her life and she has a right to live it her way at this age and stage and she is not harming anyone else. If she needs more guidance or watching.... you can hire extra outside staff to come in. It's a difficult decision I know and you are in a hard spot but if funding is not a concern, you are indeed ahead of many of us.
When she is in the group home and you visit you can be a caring and dutiful son and daughter in law instead of two frazzled over wrought people watching their relationship fray and hoping they are not missing any signs of distress from their equally stressed children.
Good luck in your journey and please keep us updated.
location ,location, location... right...
best to you and your family... make sure you bring her snacks, dance, wtih her, and bring snacks for the staff...talk with everyone,,, they will be part of the extended family...of course since they are taking care of Mom too :)
We found a home closest to us for my father who actually asked to be there because he really liked it, and he stayed there for the last few years of his life. We found the time to visit him often, and towards the end we visited him every evening, and they allowed us to put a little cot there for one of us to spend the night with him.
When he passed, we were so glad to have spent those nights with him. Having specialized caregivers gave us the confidence to know that his physical needs were administered to, and our visits gave him the idea that he was still in the family, appreciated, and not forgotten.
If and when you do place her in another facility, I urge you to ration incoming phone calls from her and only accept such calls for an hour at a fixed time of day...If the caregivers at the facility see something is not right, then they can call you anytime on the facility phone.
At the moment it seems to me that this wonderful but confused elderly lady is the rudder that is steering the family ship...
As you decide what to do, I offer God's
Grace + Peace,
Old Bob
Read about it here:
https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/ect
It is done under anesthesia so the person will not even feel it-I am surprised her psychiatrists did not propose this.
If you feel she is a danger to herself, she would need to be hospitalized.
If money is no option and you don't want her living in your home any longer, than you have three choices.
#1. Delending on where you live, If you have room either have a Sound Proof Room built on to your home and hire 24 7 care or put a trailer on sight and hire 24 hr care.
The 3rd Option is to rent a place close by and hire 24 7 Care.
With All above options, Install cameras so you can check and see what is going on any time day ornight from your Cell or Computer.
You'll be able to have your home back to yourself and know that your mom is OK.
Mare sure the Caregivers take her outside for sunshine and fresh air daily.
If you need something less expensive. You could rent a 2 Bedroom and hire a Live In.
I have a 96 yr old Dad that has dementia wuth very short term memory loss.
I promised him long ago he could stay in his own home.
I hired 24 7 Caregivers that do 12 hr shifts each.
To hire a Live In is about a 3rd the cost but my Dad is too needy and is awake off and on 24 7 and wants a snack every few hours and I was afraid he would drive a Live in crazy.
my Dad doesn't like to be left alone and a Live In needs at least to be able to get 8 hrs of sleep, so, I figure it would be safer for my Dad to use Caregivers in Shifts.
Prayers for your family and mom that you find the right solution.
The nicest most beautiful Senior Places mostly are not what they seem and all understaffed.