My brother has COPD and claims he can't help with my 95-year-old dad. He's not on oxygen and has never been to the ER. Is he exaggerating?

If your brother has "never been known for putting himself out for anyone" then why are you expecting him to help you with your father? He has made his choice to not help and you made yours to help. It doesn't matter whether or not everyone else feels comfortable at your dad's home or that your sister makes him breakfast five days a week! What matters is that now things have to change i.e. you are exhausted and your husband needs you.

Forget about your brother! You and your sister need to have a serious conversation about your dad, whose needs are only going to increase. If you're 73 then your father is probably 90-something years old? How big is his house? What kind of shape is it in? What are his finances like? Can he afford to hire in-home help? What about assisted living? Do you or your sister have durable power of attorney?

If you want to help your father then start with the essentials - food, shelter, activities of daily living - and leave your brother out of it because he doesn't want to help and any help you get from him will either be short-lived, awful, or both.

Your father deserves dignity at his age. And it sounds like only you and your sister are interested in preserving that for him.

If your dad is 100% the VA can provide more help.
Contact a Patient Advocate and tell them that you are reaching a point where it is no longer safe for you to care for dad.
If nothing else tell them that you need Respite.
I do hope you are getting paid to care for him The VA does pay caregivers of Veterans.
And you should be getting a caregiver from the VA in any case.

As to your brother.
He may have COPD
Not everyone uses oxygen.
My suggestion is forget about any help from brother
(As to the COPD unless you are on his HIPAA forms you may never know either)
You can't "make" him help...you can't make him change. YOU have to readjust your expectations.

It really doesn’t matter if brother can or cannot help more, he’s choosing not to be involved, and that’s his right as an adult. And yes, you definitely need more time at your own home and a break from caregiving. Now that you know brother isn’t the answer for that, it’s time to decide on a new plan for dad’s needs. Bring in professional help or get dad to where he can get more care. I know this is a hard time, I cared for my dad on home hospice when he was dying of CHF, it was exhausting. I hired more help to come in, it was a godsend. I wish you and dad both peace

Let me tell you this. The VA gives NOBODY 100% disability unless they're fully disabled and it's fully documented by doctors and Pulmonologists.

"Everyone else is comfortable at dad's house" because they don't have debilitating respiratory conditions! The slightest thing can set off a person with COPD that a healthy person wouldn't even notice.

Hire in home help as needed and don't insist on getting blood from a stone.

Good luck to you.

It's a shame your brother doesn't just level with you and say he isn't going to participate in caregiving.

I personally think that if we make the choice to do caregiving we have no right whatsoever to expect it of others.

I think no one here would be comfortable judging your brother.
When you yourself, who have known him a lifetime, are uncertain whether he is telling the truth or not, how could we, a bunch of strangers from round the world, have a better guess?

Abby
Since this is your brother the moocher, I am surprised you are wasting any time on him.
Tell him since he is uncomfortable at dad’s house, he can take dad over to his house. Dad’s name may not be on the deed to brother’s home but he has more than paid for the right to live there.
I’m sorry your DH is having problems. Please hire some help with dad’s funds if brother won’t step up and spend this time with your DH. It’s always later than we think.
‘Good to hear from you Abby.

edit…here is a previous post from Abby regarding the brother.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/has-anyone-found-a-devastating-secret-from-elderly-parents-concerning-finances-447235.htm?orderby=recent

Brother isn't going to help. If your dad is 95 and in hospice, this probably isn't going to last much longer. Look into hiring caregivers (dad pays for them). Or maybe his hospice has a stand-alone facility where he can go. Keeping them at home begins to be impossible at some point, so this would be the time to explore a different direction so you can save your sanity.

We can not know how sick your brother is , but he’s labeled disabled with COPD, so IMO that gets him off the hook for hands on caregiving . Not that he needs an excuse , as you can not force someone to be a caregiver .

So he can not be your “ backup “ that you are looking for. Either hire help with Dad’s money or place Dad in a facility so you can focus on your husband .

You need more help.
Edit: Your Dad needs more help.
This does not mean your brother needs to provide it.
He said no.
He doesn’t have to give a reason.
Hands-on caregiving is not for everyone.

Consider a family meeting with all the key support people. Discuss with honesty with Dad, what Dad's care needs now are. Compare to what family can do. Include who wants to do more, who wants to do less, how to add more help, who will provide the additional help.

He has a cleaning service. Good.

Most families reach a point that more NON-family help is needed.

Dad may be there.

Please don’t expect your brother to help. Of course, you need help. Caregiving is a huge responsibility. Find other resources for help.

Even if your brother was well, would you really want someone who doesn’t want to be a caregiver doing this work?

I wouldn’t want someone who wasn’t interested in helping because they would become to extremely resentful and not care for your mom properly.

Wishing you all the best.

"He's just never been known for putting himself out for anyone."

Stop expecting him to now be someone he never was.

Expectations = premeditated disappointments

For me, I'm getting over the fact that my sister disappeared, it's her business, she had to do what she had to do. As I have to do what I have to do. I don't agree with my sister disappearing. My brother thinks I should do more. We are all judging who is doing what.

I can honestly say I no longer care why my sister won't help, takes way to much energy outta me.

My brother is poa, and he is trying to put it all on me.

I'm just done with the blame game. Let's just get through this the best we can.

Abby, this is your brother who has taken 200k from your parents, right?

He's a taker. Not a giver.

Hire help with dad's money. Brother is who he is

Maybe find an AL that will take Dad with hospice.

Two girls and one boy...yes brother was the golden child. And 20 yrs apart, he was an only child sort of and spoiled. I will bet he was favored more growing up than you girls. Hard to break a lifetime thing. You need to forget about him. Be glad of the age difference because you will not be expected to care for him and you shouldn't.

If Dad has the money, hire that help. Use up that inheritance that brother would be holding his hand out for.

it really doesn’t matter how disabled he is. He’s not going to help, that’s the end of it. Hire extra help if you need it.

Why don't you have your dad make some hard choices and sacrifices? You have been doing this a long time. Have you talked to your dad about your situation with your husband and yourself? What has he said?

You have been propping your dad up for at least 4 years (probably longer than that). ** Based on your previous posts you have been doing this much longer than 4 years and dad has been dying for the past 2 years. Clearly he is not going anywhere anytime soon.

Clearly he cannot live at home because he is unable to do anything from giving himself his medications to fixing himself a sandwich or making breakfast. Pretty much he is not capable of doing anything for himself so the time has come for dad to be placed into a facility.

He is 95 and he may live well past 100. How many more years can you do this? Brother has indicated he can't help so he is not an option so stop trying to beat a dead horse with that one. He is not going to help - whether you think he is faking his sickness and is just lazy does not matter.

Funny how the elderly parent who has their own elderly children doing ALL the work for them is never considered lazy or selfish. I wonder why that is.

OP you said in 2020: "I've resolved to help my parents as best to my ability without compromising my own health and well being. I won't do more. They chose to put my brother's selfish wants ahead of being fair to their daughters. I will never put my kids through the pain of thinking for one second that I played favorites."

NOW is the time to put your own health and well being ahead of your father. Please for the sake of your husband and yourself make the move to get dad into a facility.

Why are you questioning this? First, he isn't going to help. There is no big ole judge who is going to listen to your arguments and make him. Second, whatever his history with you, he IS DISABLED. He has been diagnosed 100% disabled by the VA, and that is not an easily given classification. Hey, he might have been the spoilt child who got it easy and you may have legit resentments about that, but in the here and now, he is disabled and not able to step in as a caregiver. Let that go. Is your dad a veteran as well? If so, check out VA homes. Honestly, it sounds like you have done the home caregiving that you can do and it's time for dad to move to a facility.

Update on dad and brother......dad has crossed over to the transitional stage of Hospice with a guesstimate of maybe a month or so before passing. He's been in decline over the past ten days, yet still relatively mobile. Brother HAS stepped up, and as both my sister and I have expected, is capable of doing more than he claimed he could in the past. Not to take his COPD seriously would be wrong, but, he now knows without help on his part, we will have to look at outside sources to fill in the gaps. I don't ask of anything more from him than what he is capable of doing at home. My guess is, he's willing to step up now simply because time is short and he won't be needed on a longterm basis. Whatever the reason, it takes some of the responsibility off me. Now it remains to be seen if he follows through, but so far, so good. :)