Moved back to my parent's house. Did I do the right thing?

How do you know her bp was this high before you moved in? Does she take it every day? Is she charting it for the doctor? Was she on meds for bp before you came to help?

it's possible you upset her routine, but I wouldn't shine the spotlight entirely on yourself☺. How much assistance does she require? Have you given up your job and other commitments to do this?

She takes medicine for her BP and it's always under a doctor's care. My dad takes care of her 24/7 and yes I work 40 hrs a week,but took time off for the move.

RFS, whatever you do, do not resign from your job. You would lose anywhere between $250,000 and $325,000 over the years counting your salary, company offered health insurance, 401(k) contributions, vacation pay, sick pay, life insurance, profit sharing, etc. Some think only of the salary and not the price of all the benefits.

I think it was fantastic that your Dad realized that he needs help, not many men would own up to that. As for living with your parents, you will eventually start to see the adult/child dynamics come out and your parent will start thinking of your as their child instead of being a successful adult.

Could your parents afford a Caregiver, maybe part time, to help out? You should be their *daughter*, not their *Caregiver* and use that time to enjoy their company.

As for the blood pressure, it's not unusual for someone your Mom's age to have what we would think is too high of a blood pressure. My Mom is 97 and her's will read 160's, and she is on blood pressure meds.

Zara, as most of us know that when a grown child moved into a parents home eventually it will become too much work and resigning from full time employment is next on the list. Better to know the consequences now so one can plan for the future.

My mom's bp was well controlled for years and then it sort of broke loose of it's own accord, rising into the 200's over 100's for no particular reason. Get her to the doctor and don't blame yourself, sweetie!

RFS, you are probably all getting used to each other. The adjustment period can last for several months. You may also find that your own bp is higher. I don't know if you did the right thing moving back with your parents. Only you can know how much you are needed and what types of sacrifices you were willing to make. It was mighty rough on me when I moved back with my parents. It was probably hard on them, too. They needed me, though, so we got through the adjustment phase somehow. Well... they got through it. I'm not so sure if I have or not.

Zara, there are an alarming number of people who quit their jobs and give up homes to take care of their parents. If someone is wealthy, this can be fine. For the rest of us it can carry heavy consequences, such as no retirement income and no home. We run across it here on AC sometimes.

Ironically,I did mention to my dad that maybe I should retire,but he said a very strong "NO". But he did appreciate the offer....and my help.

zara, sometimes it happens slowly. The person moves in to help, the situation worsens and requires more time spent at home. The parents refuse outside care, and it's a slippery slope. Or the time need to provide care starts to affect the person's work. Or the parent uses FOG to manipulate the person to retire early.

ZaraZ101, I noticed you are new to this website forum, welcome aboard :)

After reading more of the forums you will be surprised how many writers here did just that, they gave up their employment to care for their parents/spouse. It isn't that uncommon. Many think it will be only a year or two then they will go back to work. Well, 1 year turns into 2, then into 5, then into 10... some have been carrying for a parent since they graduated from high school 20 years ago.

RFS1962, I like your Dad... lot of common sense... you are quite lucky.

My Dad had asked me to retire from my career since I was in my 60's and my Dad had stopped driving. He and Mom still live on their own. I looked at Dad and point blank asked him if he retired to take care of his parents.... I knew his answer would be "no". He never asked me again. I was waiting for him to pull the gender card but thankfully he didn't.

My career is my sanity, it gives me reason to get up in the morning and look presentable :)

zara, browsing thru various posts here, you will see that parents expecting their adult (senior) children to do whatever the parents need is quite common. My mom is trying to convince my sister to retire early so she can move back in with her, and my sister can care for/entertain her. There is no thought on her part to how much of a $$ hit my sister will take in SS for the rest of her life, or how it will impact her health and sanity. She reminds us that she and Dad are/were the only elders in her family to be in NH. That generation doesn't have experience with outsiders helping, and many came from big families where one of their sibs took care of the parents, while the other sibs went on with life. Parents living into their 90's, and daughters working fulltime jobs has made this a complex collision of generations.

Zara, as "stupid" as you may think it is, many adult children do give up their jobs to take care of their parents. I'm not saying it's a good idea at all, but it happens all the time, because the parent needs so much help that the caregiver eventually sees no other alternative. It's very easy for some people to get so overwhelmed by another person's needs that they put their own needs totally aside. Or, the caregiver may just become unable to cope with the demands and schedule of a job when the parent needs so much care. Overwhelmed caregivers have more than enough to cope with without being gratuitously insulted by someone who doesn't understand their circumstances.

Hello all,

I just got up but,oddly, before I did I was lying bed thinking how strange it was that two people I know just quit their jobs to care for their parents. One of them was at the peak of her career and when I heard that she was leaving, I thought it was to go to a bigger, better job. Nope. She is going to take care of her parents. And, I heard, also to become a personal assistant (not sure what that is).

So, to Freqflyer and Zara, these things do happen, and you are correct: it is very costly. Remember also, that the money in the 401K has the invested value. What will it be worth in 20-30 years when RFS needs it. Each uninvested year now becomes much more expensive when look at in those terms.

RFS, you are doing a great thing. I am sure that your father and mother are deeply touched and reassured by your presence. The suggestion to get some help in during the day to relieve your dad (and you) is a good one. Keep reading this site and you will learn a lot!!!!!!

This will not be easy for any of you. It is all about change, and that would have happened whether you moved in or not. Change is hard on everyone and requires adjustment. That is just the nature of the situation.

My Mom is in memory care and Dad just diagnosed with Dementia. I'm 800 miles away. He won't accept help.
We seriously like looked at moving back. Financially we just can't do it. We are 52 and have a 12 year old- jobs and a home.. Dad has isolated himself and won't move.
It causes so such stress and guilt- but I can't force an 82 year old to accept help.

Hollycharbo50,

First, I understand your situation completely.

Second, contact your dad's doctor, the Area Agency on Aging, the Adult Protective Services, and an elder lawyer. It is not necessarily true that you cannot force an 82 year old to accept help. Remember that this can all go wrong with one call to/from the police for whatever reason (there are dozens with dementia). It is going to be in your favor to have had contact with the organizations that can help your dad. They will know you and know that you have always been trying to do what was right.

I went to our local police station a year ago to tell them that my mother, who had dementia, would probably call them to report that I had stolen her car. I gave them my name, address, cell number, etc. Sure enough. My mom called several weeks later. The policeman who went to her house, looked in the little computer thing they have, saw the note, and all was well. But imagine what would have happened if I had not warned them!

In the end, I placed my mom into AL against her will with the support of all concerned. I would never have believed it possible. But it was possible. About five days later she signed the papers herself. That was in May of 2014. My mother remembers nothing about it. Nothing. I have since moved her to a new place. She remembers nothing about that either but she is very happy. Safe, has all her meds, warm and cozy, entertained most of the time, great food.

So, pick up the phone and make those contacts. You will never regret it.

Holly, Also contact the place where your mom is and see if he can go there into the assisted living section.

Salisbury- great idea- I am going to call my Dad's Dr. again. I was kind of surprised Dad read me the four page diagnosis on his dementia. I'm losing sleep over this and I don't want to be just waiting for something bad to happen. Mom is in late stage Alzheimers and is in a great memory care place. I hate this disease!

I would speak to her doctor about the BP. My mom's physician actually wants her BP to be a bit high (140-ish) to prevent falls. You love your parents and you are helping them, and they are grateful for that, I'm sure. But listen to your Dad about not giving up your job. Your help will impact them positively in the long run (however long that is), but perhaps at a cost to your mental and physical health. I agree with previous posts that one year turns to two, two to four, etc., and I believe that in many cases part of the reason for that extended lifespan is thanks to the caregiver---thanks to the fact that the parent/parents have a child in the house looking after their best interests. I'm 4 years into this and work from home; yes I have taken a hit financially. Yes, it is an isolating experience. Yes, it gets harder, not easier. Yes it is frustrating especially when family members just show up for the good times, birthdays, Christmas. It's kind of ironic that the uninvolved family members get to keep up with their careers and hobbies, and enjoy time with the parent(s) because the caregiver child is making big sacrifices to keep that parent(s) going. When I take my mom to her various doctors, and the doctors and nurses tell her how great she looks (age 91), I always think to myself---gee, wonder if they have any idea what it takes for me to get her to those appointments. It's hours spent 'herding cats'. I'm at the point, frankly, where I would go the route of ALF, but at $15K/month, it's out of the question. My mom knows I go through a lot for her and she sometimes says she's lived too long. I always reassure her that she is a treasure to us all. But this year, I am going to start hiring in some home help. I need to get a piece of my life back. Mom would want that. So listen to your Dad, and go into all of this with your eyes wide open. I did not discover this forum until recently. It can be very helpful.

I have talked to Moms memory care unit and they think he is a candidate- but Dad doesn't see himself as needing that. I explained to him that it's part of the disease- you don't see it progressing yourself. I see a long and ugly journey ahead.
He's always been difficult and stubborn. I had to get outside agencies involved to get my Mom I'm memory care. He wouldn't
Admit he couldn't do it. It wasn't fair to my Mom to live like that.

I would be surprised if her blood pressure hadn't risen. Anytime you change a living arrangement, there is bound to be changes in one's physical and emotional health. Normally it takes 3 - 5 YEARS to adjust to a new environment especially among family members. Just take it one day at a time and do not rush things. Know that you are helping in the best way you can by taking some of the burden off your father, and you will get to spend time with both of them for the time they have left. Yes, there will be bumps along the way, but just hang in there. It will get better and God bless you for helping!

Every situation is unique. As Ferris said, any change is bound to cause upset. You can't blame yourself for that.

I'd like to add Social Security earnings to the list of affected future earnings for those who quite "work." Until caregiving is considered a real job, we who quit outside work to provide elder care (I did for a number of years) lose a lot in our future Social Security.

So many things to consider. There is no right and wrong. We care. We love. We do what we can under our individual circumstances. Good luck with the changes in your lives - all of your wonderful community members. Keep supporting each other.
Carol

Zara
i hate to be the negative voice here but...I would try to find outside help for part of the day if your parents can afford it. Check with Hospice, any Elder/Senior agency in your county to see if they can help. My cousin did exactly what you are talking about. She quit her job and moved in with parents. Her parents survived about 4 years..She is now 55 and cannot find a job that pays her or gives her the benefits that her old job did. And her parents did not leave a lot of money for her to live on. I know you love your parents but you have to think of yourself also. Full time caregiving can be a difficult job. My siblings and i did it for only 3 months and we were stressed and exhausted. My mom is now in a facility where they take excellent care of her Her medical issues are under control and she is more alert and healthier than she has been in 2 years. Would your parents consider moving to assisted living if they are eligible and can afford it.?

I moved back in with my parents to help my mom care for my dad. I sold my home. Not long after, my dad died. My mother told me I had to move out after she reconnected with one of the very few family members still having anything to do with her; she wanted my room for this person to move in. Be careful. I love my dad and am so grateful I had that time with him. My mother is another story.

Do not quit your job if you are not absolutely sure. If you do, find something, anything to get out a few hours a week and keep earning a bit. Jobs are too hard to come by these days. I learned the hard way; I am into my 20th year of caregiving. My elder is in better shape than I am. I have no sibs. Resource agencies are stretched to the limit. It's been the "perfect storm" that I never saw coming. Everyone told me that it was "so nice" to do what I did. Truth? She is hard to handle mentally and physically and they were glad that they didn't have to. They just had to pick up the phone and call me, and stupid as I was, I came a 'running to save the day. Now I'm tired and have very little income for my retirement. I wish I could have those 20 years back!!!

I say if you have a job and are young don't do it. if you have a spouse or financial back then maybe??
. I fell into my position as my husband and I were building a house and living with my mother, (took toll on our marriage) I was working full time... we divorced and I ended up with no Child support.. then lost my secure job.. still living with mom she became ill. so here am with no income and no SS. OH ! and I have a daughter in her last year of college. Don't even ask how the h*ll that's happening!!!!!!!! by the grace of God ?????
I did make an employment agreement thru and attorney. but Moms funds were tapped out after a couple month stay after she fell. All out of pocket expense. I am eligible for unemployment but cant collect as I am not able to look for full time work.. if my situation changes.. Mom passes or has to go to nursing home before Nov I can open my claimand look for a job ( ive been out of working world for so long that finding a decent job may be tough) pretty sure wont be able to keep the house alone,,.....right now the only income is what she gets monthly and that's barely enough to keep the house going that we share.
Im scared to death

Res..right or wrong I will tell u this if u didn't move in u would b asking the same question..speaking from experience take care of u don't completely stop living . Stay social. And remember there r things out of ur controll and that is ok...good luck

Hollycharbo50,

Good job. Keep at it. Just keep acquiring information and keep gently pressure on your dad.

Get and keep in touch with these organizations and let them know that you are doing what is right. Eventually, it will pay off. If you dad has dementia, it won't be long before something goes wrong enough to get him placed.

Good luck! I hope you can see what a wonderful resource this site is. There is a lot of support there so keep reading!

How about having a caregiver/companion come in during the days to help your dad?

A year ago, my husband and I moved back to our home town to live with my elderly parents so that we could help my mother care for my dad who had a stroke. My parents have a full apartment in their finished basement, so we have our own separate living quarters, which makes this possible for us to be here, but still lead our own lives. My husband also still works full time, so no loss of income there. I was a stay at home Mom, so I do not have any retirement or SS contributions to speak of anyway. Now instead of raising kids, I am back up and support for my mother in caring for my father. It is really working quite well for us and once we were home, I began to see that my mother is in the beginning stages of dementia, and so it is a good thing we are here now in the early stages. I say this because even though they both were thrilled to have us here, our moving in did really through Mom for a loop in regard to her dementia as it was a big change in her world and anything that disrupts their world when dementia sets in, will cause BP to go up and even trigger the dementia to become worse. But once we all got past the settling in and us being here became routine to her, now she is fine again. In fact, now that we are here and some of the stress off of her has lifted, her dementia symptoms have improved and she has had many more good days than bad ones. My dad was really causing her health to decline in his response to her dementia. Neither of them are in bad enough health to need to be in a nursing home, yet can they afford to hire help or move to assisted living. For us, this was a good solution and has worked out well.