Mom's best friend insulted mom, asked her not to call her so much, just once a day. She's upset, I feel bad. What to do?

I would hook your mom up with the local Senior Citizens Center. Get her in contact with more people. It can be a burden if the other person doesn't want to communicate so much so that is not necessarily something to be fixed. Best to help mom make more friends.

There is definitely something going on. You may want to call your moms friend and see what has happened. Does your moms friend know that she has dementia? Your mom could be calling her five times a day and saying off the wall things to her. Explain to your moms friend how important her friendship is to your mom and ask her for patience and grace as your mom is sick and may not always do or say the right thing.

Unfortunately, many people do not feel comfortable around those with dementia. It is sometimes unpredictable and scary and hard for family to accept let alone friends. As your mom changes, the friends will drop off and your moms world will continue to get smaller. This is one of many difficult times to come.

I struggled with this phase with my own mom. She is a very private person and I know she would not want friends, previous coworkers, neighbors, etc seeing her in this vulnerable position. Not having control over how she looked or what she said...so I focused on family for her socialization.

I think a quick phone call to your moms friend will give you some insight as to what has happened.

aging44: As your mother unfortunately suffers from dementia, she may lack the ability to recognize time as it pertains to social graces.

Maybe a little white lie would be helpful? Suggest that friend may be struggling with fatigue; phone calls can take a lot out of a person. May have hearing or phone-connection troubles that make matters worse (but not aware of them--this absolutely happens). Some young people refuse to use the phone (for voice calls) at all! Telephony is absolutely in decline. Tiring to talk on phone for many people.

Just a few ideas. The idea is to tell a story that is about something other than personal rejection.

Hmm. Sounds like Mom was calling her friend way too much. Mom is either relying on her friend to occupy time, or is forgetting how often she calls. Maybe both? And she may not remember her "I'll never call her again" decision. 

I have a friend whose mother was calling her friend several times a day, out of boredom and forgetting. They'd been friends for 60 years. Telling her to not call as often didn't register with her (dementia). The friend couldn't take it anymore and blocked her number. 

You feel awful? Why? Of course it's hard when a loved one is hurt, even when you weren't the cause. But it doesn't help either of you to absorb her emotions. Nor should your mother depend on the friend’s ’good morning call’ for her happiness.

You mentioned how they were talking like the old times. Maybe that gave YOU a little hope? That maybe Mom isn't so far gone? That these chats with the friend will, for however long the call lasts, is the "old" Mom you know who is now declining?

With Dementia, your mother may very well be calling her friend multiple times a day and is probably repeating the same conversations over and over again. Your mother will not remember doing this and will not have be aware of her own repetition. Her friend does not need to justify why she cannot talk so often on the phone. The repetition alone can drive people crazy. The best you can do is find other ways to occupy your mother's time.

Maybe my mom's Alheimer's is different but "having a conversation with her" about this is pointless. Let her vent, be sad and have a conversation with the friend about your mom's situation. Also, ask the friend to decline phone calls if she doesn't want to talk. In my situation my mother has only 2 friends that call and check on her and 1 that visits her. Most people don't know how to handle the argumentative attitudes and just don't want to deal with the sadness of watching their friends lose their minds. As you know, it isn't an easy thing. Although her happiness isn't your "job" I know we all want our parents to be as content as they can be. Try the other suggestions, getting her out or having someone come in and visit, even if you have to pay them. Sometimes people do these for a nominal fee, such as $10 an hour. At one point my mom had a lady recommended by someone in her church to visit her. She came twice a week for 1.5 hours and we paid her $40. It gave her some spending money and was a huge help. They put together puzzles, played simple card games and just chatted. I could say, try not to feel guilty but I think on some level that is part of the process. Praying you find a good solution.

Sounds like mother has over stepped boundaries
maybe explain that other people also have life issues and sometimes need quiet time
mother needs more outlets

I suggest that your Mom find more outlets for her social activity.

It sounds like your Mom is dependent upon this friend for her social activity. That isn't fair nor healthy for either of them. I can think of many, many reasons why I too wouldn't want multiple calls a day from the same person. If at first, everything appeared okay, it could be that your Mom started repeating herself and the events. It could have been that your Mom started being overly critical of others. It could be that your Mom was monopolizing her friend's time. The issue could be any number of reasons why a person would want to limit the conversation, regardless of age.

So, what to do instead....
1) activities at a senior center?
2) volunteer at a library or literacy center?
3) join a book club?
4) get a part time job?
5) volunteer at a church? Salvation Army? Goodwill?
6) take a class?
7) become a dog walker or volunteer at the humane society?
8) join a sewing group or club?
9) volunteer at a hospice?
10) volunteer with the sheriff's department or the police?

Your Mom is lonely. She needs to become an interesting person.

Your mom is hurt.
Her 'friend' is taking care of herself and setting boundaries which is healthy.
Give your mom space to 'feel' as she feels.
Encourage her to socialize with others.

You feel awful - or awfully sad for your mom feeling alone? hurt?
The best you can do is give your mom space to talk, offer reflective listening, i.e., "I hear that you feel xxx" - support your mom to process her feelings.

And, this 'best friend' may not be a best friend or it depends on what or how you define best friend. I am a firm believer in a person setting their limits and being honest, which it sounds to me like this 'best friend' is doing. She is stating what she wants (and can handle). It is up to your mom to learn to deal with feelings due to how others relate to her. I do not know why you feel 'awful' although I would encourage you to trust in the process - and that your mom will and can 'get over it' - if she cannot or doesn't, then perhaps she needs to get involved socially in other ways -
- meet new people
- go to church
- play bingo
- join a gardening group

Whatever it is that your mom wants to do to broaden her circle of companionship / friendships is something she needs to actively do.

Otherwise, she may continue to lean on this 'best friend' too much and the friend may cut back the communication more than once a day.

Turn your feeling awful to supporting your mom to broaden her circle in any way she can. So she won't be (so) dependent on this 'best friend.' And 'thank' the best friend (in your mind) for being honest and setting limits. One way or another, the friendship / relationship will (continue to) change. The more your mom can feel less dependent on this 'best friend,' the better for your mom.

Gena / Touch Matters

I can’t think of anything less helpful than to say (or agree) that this friend has ‘insulted’ your mother.

How often is mom calling her friend?
I think a 1 time a day phone call is plenty.
Since your mom has dementia she may not realize how often she is calling. And if her friend still does things outside the house multiple calls a day can disrupt what she has going on.
Also do you listen in on the conversation? Is mom repeating things over and over or having the same conversation she had yesterday or earlier today? That can be trying on someone and you don't want to keep saying "you told me that earlier"

Does your mom understand time? Odd question I know but with dementia making 4, 5, 6 calls a day might seem like 1 phone call. Forgetting that she has already made a number of calls already.
If you can set up a time for the call and draw a clock face showing that time that might help mom.

The other thing that might be happening is mom's friend is pulling away. It is difficult to watch a friend decline. Mom's friend might be having a difficult time.

Maybe rather than always a phone call is it possible to set up a lunch 1 or 2 times a month and invite mom's friend over for a visit.

I would go crazy if my step-mother with dementia called me even once a day, same stuff over and over again, I can't imagine what her friend must be going through, there is only so much that one can talk about.

Why not take your mother to senior day care, she can meet new people and have an assortment to talk to? Seniors need to be with people their own age, isolating her in your/her home is not the answer.

Don't know why you feel awful, it is not your job to try and make her happy, you can't anyway. You cannot live vicariously through her. Not my rules, just how it works.

Live your life, not hers.

I have a friend ( former coworker ) that lives in another state . She has Alz , she’s 75. For about 2 years she was calling me every other day . We had the same exact conversation . She thought she was calling me once every two weeks. The past 6 months or so she only calls about once every 2-3 weeks and she thinks she is calling me 2-3 times per week .

It goes with the territory . I would tell your Mom that her friend is busy and can only talk twice a week at best to catch up .

Seems her friend is establishing some boundaries. You and your mom do not know what is going on in her friend's life to need this boundary. Ask your mom to comply with the request, give a lot of grace, and enjoy the times they are on the phone.

If this friend has been your mom's primary friend, it might be time to help your mom expand her friend circle to include more people. Encourage her to join classes and groups that are of interest to her.

Both your mom and her friend are elderly. Are you missing that part? That your mom's friend is just as vulnerable as your mom? Gentle coaching on your part on not over-calling her friend may help extend this relationship. See if you can tell if your mom is calling people, not just this friend, too much. If she has memory issues, you may need to help control that.

Looking at the news this morning, I wondered if M and her friend had different views on politics. It’s getting more coverage again now, and would be something fairly obvious to come into the conversation – and raise the same annoyances that may have caused a previous falling out.

Mom will need other hobbies besides calling her friend.

If her short term memory is impaired, she may be over-calling her friend & need supervision & guidence to now use the phone. Eg Agree to call BF on Tuesdays (or whatever day suits both). Mom, you can call BF Tuesday, now lets... distract to something else.

I get your Mom feels sad. Change the topic, distract, look at old photos. Give her a hug.

You can help change Mom's reaction. To help her look forward to the next call rather than get upset over a totally reasonable request.

Do you think it was a reasonable request?

If I was the friend, I'd be arranging ONE day a week to call & blocking the rest of the week.

A long phone call ‘talking up a storm’ was probably fine to catch up after a long gap. However if your M seemed keen on regular long phone calls, that might have seemed like a bit too much. It’s NOT an insult, and neither of you should treat it like that. You are not doing M any favors by spoiling the catch up!

Another possibility is that M referred in some way to the dispute that they had before. That might have raised the same problems, and would be a real pity.

Maybe once a day really is more appropriate and your Mom's friend is right in setting that boundary?
perhaps tell Mom that, be glad that she is willing to talk once a day, and then keep it at that.

In a way I commend her friend for setting this boundary.

I am still struggling to figure out how to deal with my dad calling me multiple times a day with unnecessary and repetitive phone calls!

Have you checked your Mom's call history on her phone to see how often she's calling the friend in a single day?

I agree with others that even once a day is way too much. You're going to now need to help her figure out other activities that she can do.

My father did this to me. I asked him to not call me every day, didn't work, and he made it into an issue about how much I hurt him.

My father is the ultimate victim.

I have never ever had a friend or a relation that I phoned every day, even once a day. People have very different habits, but those are mine and they are quite normal.

It's hard to see someone you love hurt, I think once a day should be plenty, maybe her friend is trying to put a bit of a distance, so there won't be any more issues.
Reminds me of when me terms where hurting, and there was nothing I could do.
But you just need to let your mom get though it her way

This isn't an insult. This is your mother's friend being honest with your mother. And that is a GOOD thing, not a bad one.

Why do you feel so responsible for your mother's happiness and her relationships with her friends? This is really becoming very enmeshed with her own affairs. Your mother's friend has let her know that more than one call per day is more than she wants. I would be the same. Honestly, I greatly dislike the phone.

If your mother is made unhappy by that, then that is just fine.
She is a grown lady who has had a long long life and I would bet that there have been plenty of times she was unhappy with friends in her long past. This feeling now is much like a weather system--it will pass.

Being a friend is being respectful of the feelings, needs and boundaries of one another.
This isn't a tragedy. This is just "life".
I would not question her, bring it up, or even speak of it.
If she asks you what you think tell her that you don't know how or what her friend feels, but it's apparent she doesn't like to talk on the phone for very long. No big deal. IMHO.

Is this the same lady who came to visit uninvited that you said mom talked to for hours?
I wish your mom could get out to a senior center. She seems lonely.
You would meet other daughters there and both of you could get a little face time with others.

I would help her stick to the once a day phone call.

This is childish behavior that should be guided and not entertained, imo. You do not want her completely isolated with nobody but you.

First...you are not responsible for your moms happiness.
Second...your mom has dementia(per your profile), and probably shouldn't be calling anyone more than once a day anyway.
Third...the best friend is probably getting tired of having the same conversations over and over with someone with a broken brain, thus why wanting to limit calls to just once a day.

I have a lot of good friends, but none of them do I want to talk to every single day. Lord have mercy that would drive me crazy.

We all have good days and bad days and your mom is no exception. And with dementia in play there may actually be more bad days ahead, so you need to prepare yourself best you can for this long and difficult journey.
Wishing you and your mom the very best as you travel this road together.

Stay out of it! It's not your circus, and you've done your best.

Talking to anyone multiple times per day gets tedious. I wouldn't like it! Encourage mom to find new friends. She might benefit from going to a senior citizens' center or adult day care. If she's not living in AL or IL, consider that she might want to find one. There are built-in opportunities for making friends there.

Mom shouldn't be depending on you and best friend for ALL her social needs.

Your mother with dementia doesn't have her social graces intact anymore, most likely, and may be calling her bff entirely too often. It's reasonable that the bff asked her to call once a day. She's overreacting to the friends request, which is typical with dementia. Why do YOU feel awful? Things like this are bound to happen between friends and there's nothing you can do to fix it. I agree it's sad, one of 1000 things that are sad when traveling this journey.

My mother suffered from dementia for 6 years. The histrionics that went on between her and her friends at the AL were unbelievable. Someone was constantly angry and sniping at another, they played musical chairs in the dining room for who was fighting with whom, it was always a giant mess. When elders lose their filter, all hell breaks loose on a constant basis. My mother was always insulted at the slightest thing someone said to her, so I was always trying to talk her off one ledge or another. Unsuccessfully.

Bring mom a milkshake and I'll bet her appetite will come back in a hurry. Sorry you are witnessing the crazy making that happens when dementia sets in.