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My Mom has been living with me for almost a year. She is 96 years old and has slight dementia. She cries all the time even though the Geriatric Doctor has changed her anti-depressant a couple of times. She also says constantly that she wants to die because she can't do the things she use to do. She is physically healthy but uses a walker and wheel chair. She says thing that upset me and I usually wind up crying. (Maybe I'm too sensitive.) I know she doesn't mean to hurt me but sometime she treats me like I'm 12 years old. If I go to the store she wants to know why I took so long. If I go to my room she'll talk to herself and say "I'm all alone again. She leaves me all alone." She complains that no one comes to visit her when she has company almost every day. Her grandchildren and my brother and sister come over frequently. If I tell her they were visiting her this afternoon she tells me that was last week. She doesn't remember that they were here. Then she'll get depressed because she feels all alone. I feel so bad for her. I hate to see her so unhappy. .

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Your Mom has dementia (even if it is considered slight) and all that you have described here, the crying, the not wanting to be left alone, the depression and saying she wants to die is all a part of this wretched disease. And because it is the dementia, it has absolutely nothing to do with any failings on your part - None whatsoever. Please try always to remember this. The dementia is the one speaking to you for the most part and not your Mom and who she really is in her spirit. I know it hurts at times and at times it may even make you a bit angry. Anger is a common thing that we as caregivers of people suffering dementia have to deal with on a somewhat regular basis. It is a very stressful job. In fact, having taken care of my own Mom now, full-time, for 3 years with very little help, I have experienced every human emotion there is to experience ... and much of them I experience all in the same day. Anyway, I understand that you want to see your Mom happy, but please never feel that you are not doing enough to make sure that she is happy. You do not have a magic wand but if you did you would use it. Dementia is a wicked disease, to be sure, and you are doing all that you can to make your Mom's daily life as happy as it can be. That is all that any of us can do.
Hang in there!
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GinGin - I can tell you what to say when she says she wants to die, and what not to say. At least I can tell you what I would want to hear.

Don't say, "Mom, you have so much to live for!"

Do say, "Oh, Mom, you're so lonely and sad. I love you, but you are still not happy. It feels like you're all alone, doesn't it? It feels like you have lost everything, You used to be so strong, You could go anywhere you wanted to. Now you're stuck in this rotten wheelchair. Of course you're sad." Use this when she cries, and use it when she verbally lashes out at you, because she's sad then, too.

Let her know you UNDERSTAND why she's not happy. Face it, it just plain sucks to be her. It would suck MUCH more without you, but it still sucks.

Human nature being what it is, If you tell her all the reasons she has to be sad, she will just naturally be forced to contradict you, by admitting that it could be worse. But she has to be the one to say it.

We always think we should console the sufferer, but the first step should be to acknowledge their suffering. Offering solutions and pointing out the positive both come later, if at all. IMHO.
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GinGin, I am so sorry... this is really sad, and I know you're hurting and want to do what's best for your mom... Have you considered an adult day care program? They have lots of activities your mom might enjoy and she would be around other people her own age she could socialize with.. Even a few hours a day might make a huge difference in her mindset... I'm sure others will have more suggestions, too.. You want what's best for mom, but you need ME time away as well... I hope you find the solution you're looking for very soon... *hugs*
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I've had aides, too, but I was always here. I haven't worked in years. Now, are there limits to what an aide can do? You say your mom is still mobile...can they go outside with her? My mom really enjoyed being able to get out of the house, even if it was just to sit with me on the porch, or scoot around herself in her wheelchair while I walked with her... can they do that kind of thing, too? What about setting up a little garden for her? There was one for alz/dementia patients at the respite facility my mom was in. Even the elderly that couldn't do much enjoyed the plants and flowers, potting them, watering them, pulling dead leaves off...they took care of it. Maybe your mom would enjoy something like that to keep her busy, something she has to do every day.... Even if she makes a mess, so what? As long as it's something she enjoys doing... A picnic outside with her in her wheelchair would be something else she might enjoy. Allow her to choose the foods for the picnic, and help put them in the basket, then ya'll have lunch outside if the weather permits.. What about a pet? I know your mom couldn't care for it, you would have to, but they bring great comfort. A finch or two, birds she could see and hear and keep close, might be a comfort to her... I know my mom's pets are a huge comfort to her. We'd take our dog up to the rehab center... There are things that your mom can still enjoy, and I think the trick is to finding out what those things are, simple things that can bring a lot of pleasure and satisfaction to the elderly. I hope all is well very soon... take care... *hugs*
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Almost there & Blannie - Thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement. I know you're right about my Mom and her dementia. She is no longer the person she use to be. I try not to let the things she says get to me and I do say to myself that it is not really who she is but it still hurts.

Hugs to you both.
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In the same boat and i agree I dont think there is such a thing as SLIGHT dementia! My mum is only 75 and mobile she refuses to go to a daycare centre she sits and knits all day and watches telly so depressing theres days when shes upbeat then the dark days but as yet havnt seen her cry and dont think I could handle that BUT i will have to. This is all new to me and everyday im seeing her deteriorate and soem days i feel compassion other days i cry and most days im angry and overall im depressed as I dont know what to do am waiting a diagnosis so I can get some more help and learn more about what I can do. All im doing right now is making sure shes safe and has eaten she had lost ALL interest in anything she used to like but depression goes hand in hand with this so its a mixture of both. I will say though that I know im doing everything I can to make her happy,shopping,foods she likes,videos,books etc... it breaks my heart to see her like this but I cant do any more than im doing and I think you are too we are just human and can only do our best for them I think the only real help we can give them is not beat ourselves up over it although my mum was a very unhappy woman most of her life I know she wouldnt want me to this sad or depressed because of her. You mum is lucky that people pop in thats huge even if she dosnt remember at least they care! Hugs!
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StandingAlone - Thank you for your kindness. Mom refuses to go to an adult day care center. I have two home health aides who are with her while I'm at work. Work is my sanity. Yesterday she cried all day and when I asked her what was wrong she said she doesn't know.
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It is so sad to see our loved ones unhappy and I agree with Barbara and her suggestions. Comfort her when she cries, hold her and rock her if she allows it even as she is saying hurtful things. If you can't have a pet a stuffed animal she can hug. I see she has a wheelchair but an indoor chair that rocks can be comforting.
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StandingAlone - The aides take her out in the backyard and take her for long walks in her wheel chair. I planted a tomato garden with her in our backyard which she did every year and that gave her some pleasure to watch them grow. I sit outside with her and we barbeque occasionally. I have a Golden Retriever who loves her and comforts her when she's upset. My mother loves the dog and is amazed at how human-like she is. I try to do things with her that she use to enjoy but she doesn't get pleasure in them anymore. Even her likes and dislikes for different foods has changed drastically. Thanks, again, for your input. *Hugs*
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Veronica - Thank you for your help. I'm new at this Website and have felt not so alone by reading the postings and have found some helpful hints and some really nice people. Thanks to you and others like you.
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