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Hello everyone. I need some advice. I am trying to decide if I should put my 87 year old mom who is incontinent and dependant on a walker in a private room at a facility for 6 residents or a shared room at a Board and Care with 4 residents? If she is placed in a private room what are the chances will she just seclude herself as she is very shy? If she is placed in a shared room then she will not have privacy when they change her diaper. My mom said she didn't care either way but deep down I know her heart is broken because she wants to go home with me but my home is a two story, bedrooms are upstairs and she can't climb stairs. Plus I have 4 kids 3 of which is going to start college and will need me to help them financially. I can't commit to the 24 hours care she will need.


The doctor said she is unable to live on her own anymore. The private room will be $600.00 more a month but it is larger and can accommodate my family for private visits. We are using her money to spend down so we can hopefully qualify for Medi-Cal. She will have maybe 5 months of rent. The facility doctor also said she is declining as she is now 90 pounds and stated she might have a year of life left.


I'm so stress about what would be best for her. Any advice will be appreciated. Thanks.

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Ask her which she prefers. Also know that with a roommate who is "in care" for dementia, there is no guarantee that the companionship will be something she likes. I myself am very shy and very private and would likely go mad with a roommate pretty quickly, and that's at best. Do ask your Mom. As to privacy for diaper changes there are always curtains around beds for such things, as it is illegal to violate privacy in this way in any such facility.
I am glad you recognize your limitations, and that you are honest about them. Not everything can be made perfect. If the cost is crucial, give this a try. If it doesn't work out await a private room.
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JoAnn29 May 2021
Me too. I would hate having a roommate. Never know what u will get.
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That's a tough call for sure, but if I was a shy person(which I'm not)I would most likely like my privacy even if it left me more isolated. You said yourself that the private room was bigger and had more room to accommodate your family, and since the Dr. seems to think she doesn't have much more time left, I'm sure her spending time with her family is much more important than anything else.
And if in fact she only has a year left, I would certainly look into getting hospice involved at this point as well. They will supply any needed equipment, supplies, and medications, all covered 100% under moms Medicare. And will have a nurse come and check her vitals once a week to start, and aides to come bathe her a couple times a week. Just something to think about. I wish you the best.
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Melodicmom May 2021
Thanks funkygrandama59. I appreciate your response. My mom was sent home today but not on Hospice. Is hospice something I can request for her?
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In my state (MN) being on Medicaid almost always means a shared room. BUT I'm not familiar with Board & Care places... I'd make sure to ask if they accept Medicaid and if it means sharing a room. Most likely Medicaid will not pay the extra for a private room there. So, maybe best to start her in a shared room, this way she won't need to re-adjust once she qualifies for Medicaid.
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I dreaded the idea of my dad having to share a room. Unfortunately money made the decision for us.

He actually enjoyed his roommates and they were great buddies.

Unless the roommate is totally catatonic then it will probably be a good thing for your mom.

Someone there to change the sounds that go bump in the night can be a tremendous comfort.

My dads facility never dealt with private issues with his roommate present. They always asked one or the other to go sit in the living room or on the patio for a few minutes.

I would try to put her where she can age out, as it is referred to in the board and cares I have experience with. If she never has to move again, that is ideal.
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Melodicmom May 2021
Thank you. I will consider that.
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Does the AL accept Medicaid? Does the board and care except Medicaid? In my state Medicaid does not pay for ALs unless you have paid privately for at least 2 years.

For the difference of $600, I would go with the AL but that all depends on how Medicaid in your State works. I would not put her in an AL only to find that you will need to move her in 5 months because Medicaid won't pay.
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Melodicmom May 2021
No. Medicaid will not pay for AL on CA. I have to spend down her account before I can apply for Medicaid. Thank you for your reply.
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My advice is that if money is not a major issue, put her in a private room until she's no longer cognizant enough to care otherwise. Give her the dignity of having her own space.
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