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Mom recently moved in Senior Living (Sept 2019) and is completely independent other than I take care of groceries, meds, doctors appointments and finances. We discussed the Senior living for three years, her name came up and my husband moved her. Now she is miserable, she was miserable before but she doesn't remember that. She blames me for everything in her life and it is becoming unbearable. She is now five minutes from us before she was 25 minutes away. She doesn't understand that I do everything and she needs to be closer. She won't do anything to help herself. She is on antidepressants, mild diagnosed dementia. We argue when she starts in on me, my Father passed ten years ago and I have become the punching bag. She plays emotional games, it is like she is waiting for me NOT to read her mind properly so she can start crying. Loves to cry, always has. I recognize a lot of her behavior from the past. I have suggested someone come in a few days a week, therapy etc. She doesn't want any outside help. But keeps track of me! I see her just about everyday and talk on the phone twice a day. Its never enough!! Anyone experience this sort of thing? If so how do you all cope mentally through it? Thank you in advance!

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Our government has just announced that single elderly folk will be able to meet one other family household indoors, so my mother will choose us as we are the nearest. My three-month stress-free break is over... I'm not sure how my plans to limit contact and protect myself from her negativity will work in the post-pandemic situation, where she will no doubt expect us to be round there all the time to make up for the lockdown, but I have to try or go back to the awful mental state I was in in February. Three months without us should have shown my mum that she doesn't have to rely on us for everything, but I'm not that hopeful!
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I just experienced the same thing recently and have chosen to limit contact. In the past she would emotionally manipulate and I would call her on it and leave. Caregiver burnout is very high for caregivers that take care of challenging emotional parents. I will be going no contact permanently as I am burnt out.
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I asked the nurse when mom was behaving similarly and she recommended if there is a safety issue or aggression, she said that antianxiety medication would be appropriate.
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Let her cry. You are not responsible for her choices, you are not to blame for her problems. You are an adult, independent of her. In some small way, she helped you get to this point, even if it was just keeping you alive as a baby, changing your diapers, and doing all the things good parents must do.

They say when we get older, we become more like children again. It's true. We lose the ability to regulate our emotions, to cope with massive change, and struggle to find "normal". This is complicated by drugs. Anti-depressants have some nasty side effects, and if she's not taking them correctly, can actually compound the situation and make her more emotionally unstable.

She is still proud enough to realize that therapy has a stigma to it, so it's clear she doesn't want that. Respect that.

Set some limits up for yourself too. Realize that she is dependent like a child in some ways but still an adult in many others. She is in Senior Living, and so you need to allow yourself some time to break away, temporarily block her number so she can't call you. Let your family know that you are doing this for a period of time, and give yourself fa Time OUT to do some personal growth. Take a class, focus on your career, and your immediate family.

One day, she will be gone, and you will be independent of her. Use this time to start pulling yourself back, to test your waters to see what you can do. Then, when she's gone, you can look back without resentment but with a bit of gratitude for this gift of goodbye.

One thing I want to add, is that it's perfectly ok to screen her calls. Also to cut the calls off the MOMENT you start to feel like she's having a pity party or starting the blame game. You don't have to give her a reason just that you need to go. Even if she gets mad at first, she will forget about it tomorrow.

(That's why ultimatums don't work, because they don't have the memory to remember them)
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Nitsirk, one way of ignoring the passive aggressive judgment is to be overly cheerful when she is doing it. This will make her crazy and you can laugh about how much control you have over her.

I used visual images to make my smile and little giggles real. So whatever makes you smile is what you should be seeing in your minds eye when she turns on the hate.

I visualize your mom as a little troll with fluffy orange hair and daggers for teeth and nails, she has a big round belly and bum, with tiny little short legs and spindly long arms. She has smoke coming out of her ears and nose and flames when she opens her mouth. She has one little bitty eye and one very large green eye with giant bushy eyebrows. When she speaks she sounds like a bull frog. Just something that lives under a bridge😁

This works best because they are trying to make you miserable and when they can't it drives them mad.

Be prepared for the ugliness to escalate, any changes that they see causes them to up their game trying to get the same results, a very hurt, unhappy you and a self satisfied them. So be prepared and know what is coming. I also will predict what my mom is going to do, it entertains me and stops her hatefulness from hurting me. (As much as possible, I don't think it ever stops hurting that your own mom is set on hurting your heart at every opportunity. But you do get to the point that you understand it is not you and they are to be pitied, from a distance of course.)

Great big hug filled with strength and encouragement for you!
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Mysteryshopper Jun 2020
I have used the "overly cheerful" method even with people who do not have dementia! Picture a constantly angry co-worker (sometimes passive-aggressive and sometimes overtly aggressive). I was on pins and needles around her. One day, I let her overhear me on the phone talking to someone else about what a beautiful day it was and how happy I was. Her childish tactics weren't appearing to affect me and I think she was at a loss! She and I will never be friends, but there is a hint of respect now that was not there previously.
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Dementia steals a person's ability to reason and see things clearly. They live in their own world and see things their own way no matter how convoluted it may seem. You are not dealing with the same person you have known all your life. She has changed and all efforts to change her back will fail. Will you reach a point of yelling at her and ignoring her, of course. That is OK. Just do not physically hurt her. She will always be your mother and you will always love her. You are suffering from caregiver burnout. It is time to find someone to help you with the day-to-day situation. Join a support group in your area and you will find you are not on an island by yourself. It helps to share your frustrations and successes with the group. I have taken care of my wife for 17 years. She is physically fine but her dementia has robbed her of her real self. We deal with it day to day at home. I have found comfort in helping others through my support group that I have facilitated for the last 4 years. If you can re-purpose part of your life it will make dealing with your mom much easier. The only way you both lose is if you give up. You are not alone so hang in there!!!
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nitsirk9898 Jun 2020
Thank you
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My first question to you is this: Why on earth are you allowing her to behave this way? If gently talking to her does nothing, and it won't, I assure you, have you tried to get medication for her behavior? It might work. If not, and nothing is right by her, I would sit her down and make her listen and very forcefully tell her in terms she can understand, since she is not willing to stop and cooperate with you, you have had it. You will no longer tolerate her behavior and she will be completely on her own and you are prepared to walk at once unless she stops. Tell her she has choices - a caretaker or a move to a facility. Do NOT, no matter who she is in relation to you, allow anyone ever to behave like this and cause you grief and harm. It has to stop. Turn the phone off or don't answer it and if you do and she starts in, hang up. YOU have to get TOUGH. Her days of being in control are gone. Now it is YOU who should be in control and living your life. Do not allow her to continue. People change and they are not who they once may have been - and if that is the case, why should YOU be punished for that?
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nitsirk9898 Jun 2020
Thank you! I think I take it because I always have and do not know better. I am learning though, looking back I see she has been this way my entire life. 😕
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Look up "Covert" Narcissism on You Tube; lots of helpful videos. I watched 7-8 of them and am getting such a person out of my life right now; no more confusion! I always felt insecure with her; now I know why, and it no longer matters.
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helenb63 Jun 2020
How did you manage that?! I now know all about narcissism and why I react the way I do to my mother's triggers, but it still upsets me! Lockdown has shown me what I am like when I'm not fretting about her and feeling responsible for her well-being - a lot happier and calmer - so I really have to try harder to put up defensive screens against the FOG tactics and emotional games when we are allowed in to visit again.
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Imho, she is not completely independent if you're taking care of the groceries, meds, doctor appointments and finances. My late mother never wanted to leave her home either and she was demanding about it. She did not. Yes, I had to move there from out of state. Prayers sent to you.
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nitsirk9898 Jun 2020
Thank you! It’s such a struggle!
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I just re-read the original post. This lady only moved last September - would be still grieving the loss of her own house, loss of her independance. 1st & 2nd parts of the grief cycle denial & anger. Anger is being directed at daughter. Just my 2 cents.

As dementia is progressive, this may be impacting more that it's realised. Really may be time for AL. No point arguing & reasoning if that is the case. Need Doctor's help again to assess, then move her. Just my next 2 cents.
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nitsirk9898 Jun 2020
Thank you Beatty
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nitsirk,

What you've described sounds stressful and hard on your morale! Your mom sounds very manipulative, and her mild dementia will only get worse. I've experienced something similar and can tell you your mom won't change, but you can!

When I first visited this forum 3 years ago, I was overwhelmed with anxiety, guilt, and the feeling that nothing I ever did was good enough. Mom was a tyrant who manipulated with fear, obligation, and guilt. She groomed me from childhood to serve her emotional needs; in essence a role reversal. I was the parent but with no authority. So I didn't know any other way to be. As Mom's dementia got worse, so did her manipulation.

Through support from this forum, I learned to emotionally distance myself from my mother. I stepped back; way back, sharply curtailing contact (physical and telephone), making myself less available to her; taking care of her needs but very selective about which "wants" I chose to address. Understanding that no matter what I do, it will never be enough. Do a search here on the "gray rock" method of interacting with your mom; it takes some practice but once mastered is very helpful.

The "never enough" mode of manipulation is the carrot she dangles in front of you to get you to do what she wants. We keep thinking if we just keep trying to please them, they will love and approve of us. Nuh uh. Doesn't work that way. Your mom isn't going to use up that currency: it's the most effective thing she has to manipulate you.

Once you begin to implement these changes, she'll notice and won't like it. That's alright. Practice makes perfect. Remember, the sad reality that her brain is gradually unraveling. Arguing or reasoning with someone with a broken brain is useless. Just roll with it. It never gets easier, but you'll cope with it better!
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nitsirk9898 Jun 2020
Thank you
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This has been my mother for decades... I'm the only one that has helped her relentlessly... but, she baits me because she knows I have a good heart... After all these years though, it hasn't been good for my health... we get older too... All this havoc is unbearable ... I can't believe that through all that is happening in this world they don't 'see' the light... and, feel appreciative... I think it's the way they are and they will never ever change... it's by far the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my life.
Perhaps narcissistic... etc... personality...
Best Wishes
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nitsirk9898 Jun 2020
Definitely narcissism, I remind her that even though she isn’t happy with her age and circumstances she still had so much to be grateful for. She can’t see it. Debbie Downer prevails! Thank you for responding.
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Ungrateful regardless of condition would mean you would have to accept the unfair treatment in the name of caring. I guess it all depends on how much you care, and it is commendable the dedication shown so far. God Bless You.
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nitsirk9898 Jun 2020
Thank you!
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My suggestion to you is "What you allow, continues."
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nitsirk9898 Jun 2020
So true! Thank you!
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I'm sorry you're going through all this. I would highly recommend you read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. It's on Amazon, it's cheap, it literally changed my life, and it's helped me more than years of therapy.
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nitsirk9898 Jun 2020
Thank you! I will check it out
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Understanding the dynamics of your situation may help. First of all she will always be your mother and think of you as 12 years old. She has a fear of losing control of her life so she is depending on you to provide that stability. You mention you do all the shopping, medical appointments, finances, etc. Why? Let her be part of the decision making process by having her "advise" you on what type of groceries to buy even though it may be just bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently she has a unit where she can cook to a limited degree. Have her prepare a meal or snack for you just like she did when you were growing up. Make it her idea. "Mom I am hungry. Can you make your wonderful mac n' cheese you use to make". It might not work the first few times but do not give up. Re-direction is an important part of creating the confidence in your Mom that she can still do certain things. Sit down with her and plan together what activities you may want to do together. This will help deflect the control from you to making her feel more independent. Is it easy? Of course not but if you work at it as a team effort with your Mom things will get better. Good Luck!!!
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nitsirk9898 Jun 2020
This is really good! I will try that approach.

Thank you very much!
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Yes, my mom was similar. Not really mean toward me just seemed every time I visited her in AL (2-3times a week) all she did was harp on petty issues. Well, petty to me. Someone was mean to her, a table mate coughed too much, someone's TV was too loud, her clothes didn’t fit, they didn’t do her laundry right, etc.

I realized how much her world had narrowed and that basically she had very little to do to occupy herself. She was used to doing housework, laundry, cooking, etc. So really all she had to do was sit and brood. She was limited by physical and mental declines and no longer able to sew, paint, draw, all her favorite activities.

After a bit I quit trying to solve her issues or try to offer solutions (I’m a fixer). I would just say "that’s terrible, a shame, how sad," whatever seemed to suit the issues. She would often forget it by my next visit. It didn’t really stop her, but I found that frequent, short visits were better for my blood pressure!

Sounds like your mother has made you the whipping boy, blaming you for what is wrong in her life. I suggest you might seek out counseling for yourself to find ways to stand up to your mom and stop her bullying you. It’s often hard for us children to reverse rolls and become the parent. And even harder for the parent to submit to a child's control. Do,some reading on this site about dementia, it can explain a lot about changes in behavior.

The hardest thing I ever did was tell my domineering father that I was not going to be his housekeeper and he would just have to suck it up and allow outside help in the house. He wasn’t happy but finally submitted.
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I had to laugh when you said that your mother is completely independent except that you do her shopping, you take her to doctors appointments, you do her finances, you take care of her meds.....So you were joking when you said that she is completely independent? She sounds pretty dependent to me. I would tell her that you understand that she is not happy with the help that you provide, so she has two choices: move into assisted living because she needs a higher level of care or you will help her find someone to do what you’ve been doing. Tell her you’ll give her a couple of days to decide. Then come back in a couple of days. She may realize that you are irreplaceable!
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nitsirk9898 Jun 2020
I know right, independent my butt! Lol...I’m definitely easily manipulated by her. Where she lives is independent living but she is not. I like your advice, thank you!
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I Have A Mom Who Is 94 Years Old. And She Has Demande. And Is Hard To Do Things For Her. She Argues With People. And! Tell Me That I'M Wrong. And Don"t Know What I"M Doing. And Use People Like My Brothers To Go Against Me. And! She Act's Like A Little Girl Again. What Do I Do In That Cast.
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AlcyoneSong Jun 2020
Tell your brothers to deal with it then. She likes them better. She's 94, so if they want to ride your case about how you care for mom, they can step up and help out. If they don't want to do that, tell them to put up or shut up. Mom's are moms until they die, some moms are good some are bad, but they are moms. One day you will laugh about this, cry about it, and then grow from it.
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My dear you need to set boundaries. She will be unhappy no matter what so it’s up to you to give yourself space. Read the book Boundaries by Townsend. It will transform your life.
I personally would limit myself to one phone call in the evening to chat how her day has been. If you have dropped in at her place that would replace the phone call. Keep your sanity and your emotional health intact. Been there and things are much better now that I’ve set those boundaries!
When my parents were all set to move into a seniors facility my dad up and decided he would cancel the agreement and buy another house. My siblings and I put our foot down and told him to go ahead and buy a house but mom was going into the seniors home. Big kerfuffle but in the end he went in and likes it there but won’t admit it much. They are both nearly 90 and mom really needs assisted living. She refuses to have anyone come in to help. They pay me to do their housework and make meals etc but I really have set clear boundaries. If she ends up falling in the shower, that will be on her. I’ve tried my best.
And my sister who lives 1200 kms away is the golden child who does no wrong 😂
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nitsirk9898 Jun 2020
This sounds like my life! Ugh, good luck!
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This is my world at the moment...Moved Mom from Texas to Washington to be closer. Lives in a 55+ complex but relies on me 100% which is impacting me mentally and physically. Will read through what has been posted....time for me to get help by bringing someone in daily.
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Bad behavior should never be rewarded, no matter what age or excuse. Some times there are things we do not like about others, feel they are not doing right, etc. It is not for us to try and change them but to change how WE react to them. Of course as we grew up we were always taught to obey our parents, do what we were told, etc. But we are adults now and we should be making our own decisions. Your own personal life should come first. Your own sanity. Your own well being. Of course overseeing your Mom is well taken care of is important but it is also important to know when to have others help you, such as services. I found less time spent each visit with Mom when she was in the home gave her more time to adjust to activities there.

Believe me, I went through it, they know what will make others jump for them. Tears, anger, stamping their feet, threatening, etc. After all, they have been doing it for years! Is this true of all.....no thankgoodness, but it does sound like it is what is happening and did in my life.

For each situation, just think....now how would a good caregiver handle this? Then do the same. I do think with your love and care you will have special times together. Take care of yourself first.
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Frances73 Jun 2020
Good advice. Every time I left mom's AL I would feel guilty until I remembered that she has 24/7 supervision, meds supervision, healthy meals, etc. Sure, not everyone on the staff was a gem but most are wonderful, caring people.
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My mom refers to better time in comparison to her life since I moved her in with me. I notice she's forgotten so much and I hate to remind her how tough her life was on her own. sometimes I feel like I just can't do this! But then I discovered the Teepa Snow videos especially her talks on "gems". It helped me a lot. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUb_dUP38gk and teepasnow.com. I am realizing that I can only keep my cool and am not able to make mom think or feel anything and that this must be terrifying for her. Also recently came across the idea that if I am not setting boundaries (making sure I tend to my own life and needs) and mix caretaking with that(no matter what mom says or does - she could be St Theresa! ) - I will feel like a victim. So no matter what, I need to be tending to my own life and make sure that I'm fitting in some fun.
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Grin & bear it; she may be leaving you a little sum of something so consider that as an award for the situation as she's not changing.
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notrydoyoda Jun 2020
No amount of money in an inheritance would be worth my sanity or being abused.
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For one thing, be kind to yourself that you are hanging in there. I’m assuming she’s been this way her whole life... blaming others, playing the victim? Old age and mild dementia make the quirks quirkier, and I respect and admire your willingness to hang in there. I had a similar situation— my mother sounds a lot like yours. I never mastered the skill of not taking it personally. I withdrew entirely from the relationship and let the state take care of her. I don’t recommend this course of action— however, knowing even an unpopular choice like mine is an option, a possibility, might help you realize that hanging in there is a choice that’s in your control, and within that choice there are options for how much you allow her bad behavior to affect you. Whatever you do, please be kind and respectful to yourself. It speaks volumes about your character that you’ve been willing to put up with her at all. Thank you for sharing your story.
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nitsirk9898 Jun 2020
Thank you! Helps to be understood, I’m the punching bag. All our visits are negative. I’ve been pacing myself differently since my post. When I get ready to cave I just don’t!
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I found it helpful to separate being the dutiful daughter from being the caregiver. I keep the daughter safe, and the caregiver more effective. Boundaries are a healthy necessity. Creating more of a life for yourself that will help you carry on afterwards can offer more excuses to disengage when you need to. Maybe getting or paying others to deal with groceries, meds, and doctor's appointments may help.
I was just reading that people with dementia make up stories to make sense of failures in memory. She may not be aware of all she is doing. It is also not your responsibility to "read her mind". The dutiful daughter has been relieved of that duty by the caregiver, lol! Especially with dementia, following down the rabbit hole just makes you both mad. I feel for you, good luck!
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nitsirk9898 Jun 2020
Thank you, ironically before dementia she would do that. Very phony, I think that is why I get frustrated because I know know most of it is her personality.
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I say “I’m sorry you feel that way, would you like me to..., leave / stop visiting you / find someone else to care for you /

she suddenly becomes appreciate and nice. Which can last for our visit, or not.

I think it’s important to not take it personally and remind your self that her brain is aging. Often these comments come from a place of fear, so assuring her that she is in a safe place with many people looking out for her is a good thing.
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nitsirk9898 Jun 2020
Thank you, I will try. 😊
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I was in the same boat you are in. I was grilled on every part of My Mom's life - bills, money, medicine, shopping, laundry, housekeeping. They want complete control over you and your life because they are your mother and try to make you feel guilty. I broke out in rashes from the stress and stomach problems. My mother told me she was bathing, washing clothes, basic housekeeping and changing clothes. None of that was true. She smelled bad, dirty clothes were piled up in the closet, apartment was a wreck and she did not sort out her medicine or take it consistently. I refused to bath my mother or do her laundry. I was sorting her medicine and visited her once a week. I could only tolerate the visit for an hour and had to leave. Too stressful. She clung onto her checkbook with a tight fist. Had to sit and go through each bill individually and write out checks. The next week she could not recall at all what bills were paidI She have you go through every transaction in her check book. Really??
I found this great company SIMPLEMEDS that sends a FedEX box every 30 days with all the medicines presorted in sealed individual packets labeled for am/noon/pm and what pills are in each packets. Wonderful! If she didn't take the medicine that was on her.
I hired a senior service company to come in twice a week for bathing, laundry and housekeeping. Told Mom she was their boss and to make sure they were doing what they were paid to do. If she refused service that day they would charge her anyway. UhOh that means they will call daughter and tell her that. Their office is located inside the senior facility the lives in! Wonderful.
Due to Covid-19 and not being able to come into the facility, every bill was paid online or used a debit card to purchase groceries (clothes soap,etc- no food) leaving them at the front door of the facility to be delivered to the residents room. I would send her a print out of the expenses from the account once a week. Never commented on anything purchased or paid.
Moved her to a wonderful Independent living facility July 2019. Independent living is just that from the senior living facilities point of view. They check on them once a day and will call you if there is an issue and keep you updated if there is something affecting the entire facility (like COVID-19). If the resident can't do certain things on their own, the facility will give you a list of services with additional costs to help the senior out.
Setting boundaries is a must. You must stick to them. Take control and don't back down. You need to have a life of your own. You need to take care of you first.
They will tell you "I am your Mother" and bully you. No you are not the Mother who raised me. You sit in the room all day and watch television and lecture me based on what the tv says, do not go to any of the activities, do not make new friends, find fault in everything anyone does for them, complains about the food the facility serves (I have eaten there and they have a wonderful chef). It is everybody else's fault on their situation. They are not happy people and they want everyone else to be miserable and agree with them. Wrong! Prayer is very helpful - ask God to give you the wisdom and strength. You will know the trigger points when you feel your blood pressure rising. Change the subject, make an excuse to get off the phone or tell them you will have to check your schedule and get back to them. If they get fussy with you, tell them nicely-calm voice-slowly- you do this because you love them and care about what is the best for them.
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nitsirk9898 Jun 2020
Love this! Thank you, I do a lot of praying and scripture reading. It is very calming and I a make copies of inspirational things for her to read too. I just keep trying and trying. 😊
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The more I read these comments, the more thankful I am for my incredibly mentally and emotionaly strong loving, protective, and caring Mama. What a precious gift a wonderful mother is to growing developing infants, toddlers especially but also as a role model for adolescents and teenagers.My siblings and I adored our Mama and felt we could never ever do enough to show our appreciation to her.When she did slowly begin to lose her once beautiful mind, even then she retained some of her sweet loving character and personality.How I hope I can be similar to her andnever become a burden to anyone.
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nitsirk9898 Jun 2020
You are blessed! Thank you for sharing!
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Anyone who regularly takes mind altering meds such as so called antidepressants for as long as a year or more(sometimes even for a shorter period) becomes brain damaged and irrational. I do not know how to cope with a demented person. I do believe I know how to help people to avoid becoming demented. I am 86, strong, healthy,med free, and pain free. I blieve my brain is still working well because I threw away and never filled prescriptions for lipitor, thiazide, and vicodin when i was 62. If i had been prescribed any mind altering substances, I would also have thrown those away.Pure , clean, natural maple syrup is a delicious medicine that all older people should eat daily.it is nourishing and very strongly anti inflammatory.Apple cider vinegar and olive oil consumed daily are also very healing.However, the most important thing is to avoid thinking sadness and or difficulties should be treated with a mind altering pill.I wish I knew how to handle dementia once it has developed. However, I do hope my advice will help people to avoid developing it.
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