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In the last 2 weeks she has yelled and blamed me when she bought the wrong candles and slammed her door in my face because she was upset I spent time with my grandkids without her. I stayed away for 2 days because of her abuse and when she asked me why and I told her she denied both incidents ever happened and is acting like I made them up. She knows she has memory issues but this doesn't seem to help me persuade her that she does take out her anger (usually with others family members who kinda ignore her) and bitterness (which has happened since my Father died 6 years ago). She was talking to me this morning like I was losing my mind as I must have "made up" the candle and door incident.

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Well John, YOU know you didn't make those incidents up. But your mother's brain is no longer functioning properly. She doesn't know it and she is losing her ability to reason. No amount of explaining is going to convince her. Give that up -- it won't change her and it only frustrates you.

Staying away for two days might be a very good strategy with many care-receivers, to make a point about that you will not be treated that way. But as you are finding out, it doesn't often work with persons who have dementia. They just can't learn that lesson. She will remember the feeling of being abandoned but not the reason why. Having lots of bad feelings floating around contributes to more angry outbursts. You can't win!

She got the wrong candles? Try to sooth her. "Oh Mom. That is a shame. Let's go out together and find the right ones. I know how upsetting this is, but we can make it right." She slams the door in your face? That is really a rude thing to do. But dementia takes away the inhibitions that keep most of us polite most of the time. Instead of staying away for two days, which she won't at all understand or connect to her behavior, which she has forgotten, how about coming back in half an hour? Don't bring the incident up.

Join the rest of the family in kinda ignoring her outbursts. Strive to keep Mom calm. Don't worry about who was right (you, almost always) and who is wrong. Help Mom feel that she is loved and she is safe and she won't be abandoned over things she cannot help.
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It took me forever to get it through my thick head that my mother really did not remember some of things she said and did, but what is important as Jeanne pointed out, it is the feeling, they always remember the feeling, anger, sadness, shame, feeling stupid. She is going to need your help more and more, best to start really getting yourself educated to dementias, forewarned is forearmed. She probably feels safe enough with you to abuse you, weird but true.
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John, what you see is moderate dementia, and it only goes downhill from here. It's time to go with her to the MD, it's time to take a good look at her medications and most importantly, it's time to take her keys away. When she is nasty, don't tell her two days later, tell her when it's happening. Say " I think I better go now and I'll come back when you feel better." and calmly get up and go.
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John it is very good to know you aren't alone and not crazy, an awful spot to be in, especially if you are doing this alone. My mother had my head turning like in the exorcist, she had people believing her stories about me not feeding her, poisoning her, yada yada yada, it is very hurtful, and also remember the "showtiming" aspect which will really make you wonder if you are on mars.
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Thank you for the helpful words. I do want to clarify my sister never sees my mom, once in 10 years and my brother maybe 2x a year if I take her to see him. I meant she is angry because they ignore her but won't say anything to them but piles it on me. I have for years handled her anger at others but these last 2 times seemed so ridiculous I needed a breather.
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John, I had that exact conversation with my husband yesterday!

I do enjoy telling him that he's wrong, but the results aren't worth the momentary satisfaction, so I try not to.

Come here and tell us all about her outrageous behavior. We understand.
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Ignore.....I'm with you in this. Very Frustrating because they can seem so "rational" at times and they are really out of their heads. Good liars, and swearers though. It's their reality I guess. I call it the alternate universe or trip to the twilight zone.
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Ignore, ignore, ignore!!
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I don't blame adult children that don't visit. She really doesn't sound very pleasant and I bet that you don't want to be there yourself. It can actually effect your health, negatively. She really needs to have round the clock care. Here in Tucson, almost every week, some elderly person wanders away or drives away, and it is heart breaking for the family.

If she is no longer able to take care of herself, her doctor needs to step in and get her into a nursing home.
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Thanks to all of you, it really helps just to know you are not alone
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