Mom and MIL both live with us. Tips for coping as it won't be changing?

Here is something you can give to the Moms

August 13, 1996
Dear Abby
 
DEAR 80 AND HOLDING: Thank you for sending it to me. I agree, the rules are worth repeating. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my husband's mother came to live with my husband and me 23 years ago, she made our lives so miserable I vowed I would never bring such misery to my children if I ever had to live with them. One day, I wrote myself a letter containing some rules. I put it in an envelope marked, "To be opened on the day I go to live with one of my children" -- then I put it away.
I've been widowed and self-sufficient for eight years, but I was recently forced to give up my job and move in with my daughter. I'm submitting that letter. Perhaps your older readers might benefit from it, as I intend to. Here are the rules:
-- Give what you can toward your keep. Any budget will stretch just so far.
-- Keep yourself clean and neat. Fresh undies and daily baths are a must.
-- Remember, it is their home. Give them privacy at every opportunity.
-- Try to make your own friends and develop interests outside the home.
-- If you suspect they would like to go away on a vacation but are hesitant because of you, offer to visit another relative or friend so they will be free to go.
-- Don't offer any advice or express any opinion on family matters unless asked.
-- Volunteer information that they might be too embarrassed to ask for, such as arrangements for your burial, hospitalization, etc.
These rules were written more than 22 years ago. I read them often and am determined to keep them. -- 76 AND HOLDING

Thanks to all who actually read the question and answered that. I didn't need marriage advice, just situational coping advice. I learned a lot from both the positive and negative posts. Let me be clear about a few things, my husband is not a "mama's boy" - He, like myself, was a single parent for 16+ years and was hired for a swing shift position in 2016. As any truly responsible single parent would do, he made accommodations for his son by moving his mother in to help care for him (in addition to relieving her of her financial burden of her house which she could neither pay nor care for) - Our house is ours, we pay for it. They contribute nothing to the financial upkeep of our home (except opinions). As former single parent households we agreed that we would team manage but he would be "the heavy" when it came to execution of rules and changes; so "beta" suits me just fine. After managing my first and my solo homes by myself, I've no interest in it. I've also no interest in being a "ball buster" and making my husband "mind". I was raised by one of those and frankly its unattractive, unappealing and also the biggest reason I'm such a doormat in the first place.

However, after reading all that and considering my mother I had a short but important chat with her. She was, wants and thrives on control. My plan is to sit them both down (without him) and come to a few resolutions (boundaries if you will) in addition to finding a way for my mother to control something (besides me - because that doesn't work at all). My MIL will be brought to heel as well. And if they aren't, there is the door and they are free to walk through it. I don't think they are cute, sweet, or in any form "Golden Girls" and they are going to know it. If they choose to remain in my house they will have to follow my rules and contribute in some form. And I have no idea where my MIL would go. My SIL doesn't want her due to past behaviors of "butt-in-ski" and her own daughter doesn't either. My mother could take care of herself again now and has the resources to do so.

If anyone is interested I will post the results of that talk later.

It won't change?
I would be waving to ALL OF THEM as I drove off.

So, Not The Mama, in the title of your post, you say that the fact that both mom and Mil are living with you "won't change.".

Now you're reading them both the riot act and showing them the door if they don't shape up.

Interesting.

To my mind, being a feminist has nothing to do with "making one's spouse mind", being aggressive or being the heavy.

It has to do with being allowed to earn and keep one's own money, have credit, be able to leave an abusive marriage and not lose custody of one's children, and speak one's mind in public.

I am 70 years old and NONE of those were legal when I was growing up.

Your mom sounds like a shrew, not a feminist.

Set down rules and say if they’re broken, They’ll be looking for a facility sooner than later and make it clear what a pain they are. No you won’t get ice cream or take them to dinner out, they’re a burden, let them know it.

You married a momma's boy and you knew that. You married a man whose mother lived with him when you were dating and you still married him. But how did he manage to invite *your* mother to live with you without asking you first? Does your mother dote on him?

As for coping, get a job, volunteer, join a club, pick up a hobby, or whatever to get your beta-self out of the house.

Why can't your husband remodel the "downstairs" so that the two moms don't have to use the "upstairs" common areas? Is it possible to separate the two levels with a door that you can lock and create a separate entrance?

Since you're happy playing the beta to your husband's alpha, I would go full throttle with a happy-wife-happy-life strategy and work on your husband, who either does or doesn't care about keeping you happy.

You should tell them they are both roommates. They should pay their share as an adult, and they should pay for all else.

You should also tell them that you won’t be helping. Obviously if they do laundry, they’re fit. They can choose Uber to go places. The more they need help, the more likely they can’t stay with you.

I would not be able to tolerate all of that ongoing confusion & noise. Sit them down & tell they need to make some changes -without complaining - or other arrangements will have to be made for them. Stand your ground, because setting limits & reinforcing them are your only way out. You deserve a life. So do they, but not at the expense of your health & sanity. Good luck!

It is YOUR home.
You need to TAKE control.
State RULES ("house rules") and keep to them.
You are giving all your power away. Why?

If you do not take control of your home, they will. They are.

You can scream - get out your frustration through therapy and exercise.
Do not scream at them. It adds fuel to the already burning fire.

No one is 'conniving and manipulative WITHOUT your agreement.
You are allowing this behavior. Once you realize it is up to you - in your own home - to create your own house rules and stick to them - they will either abide by them or pay the consequences.

You then need to figure out the consequences.
Tell them to leave?
Find alternative housing for them?
Talk to your spouse to get him on the same page as you (yes) - ? or is he already?

Nothing changes until YOU do.

And then if you do not change, the question is why not?
What are you afraid of?
What are your underlying issues / needs / old patterns of behavior 'running you.'

You need to give them the 'tough love' I am giving you.

The bottom line is that you do not want this situation to continue as it is.
If you need to lock (bathroom) doors - your bathroom, do it.

If they are cognitively unable to 'understand' or abide by your direction/rules
- get them to a medical provider to be tested for cognitive functioning
- see if medication is needed
- get caregivers in there to 'help' them abide by / (enforce your rules).

If you do not give them boundaries, they believe (and are) at free will to do as they please - as they are. You're 'kicking and screaming' here won't do any good beyond getting some anger out expressing the powerlessness you feel - in your own home. You need a united voice with your husband and get into therapy, even short term.

Gena / Touch Matters

FIRST... thanks to all who supported and provided answers and laughs in the 2 weeks it took for me to calm down enough to grab this beast by the horns! Last night's conversation went very well given that I did most of the talking. I did not give ultimatum's but DID give firm, non-negotiable rules according to the list I previously shared. Starting and ending with the simple fact "this is our home but this is my house. I want everyone to be happy and that has to include me. We need to reach this agreement while you are still both ambulatory and capable because if we do not, you will be hastening your transfer to a care facility when you become non-ambulatory and dependent if you continue to ignore these boundaries and challenge me. And he supports me 100% in this. He and I are a team and we are in agreement on this." I gave a simple but firm explanation of what I consider privacy and stated it's how it will be from now on. House rules were laid down and they were told these are absolute. They had a chance to speak and ask questions and negotiate minor things. I just tried to keep in mind that my personal health was also at stake and these things were affecting it. Nobody got butthurt or pouty and nobody got angry. I kept it calm, quiet and dignified. And I accepted no deflection (for example, when my mother tried to criticize my manicure because my nails are kept short - yes, that really happened) and tried to focus on the goal. Oh and yes, I did address the Rosephia...called bullshitt bullshit and left it at that.

I suppose the coming weeks will tell if they heard or received anything I had to say. Again, appreciate all the ideas and tips and thoughts! As for the naysayers, I am not Sandra Bullock and this is not the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Never did like that BS. Additionally, one of the most freeing and valid statements I ever heard and I intend to fully digest and practice is "My grown adult children owe me nothing" - Fact right there. They do not. I will live homeless in a tent on the street before I would do this to any of them.

Appreciate Y'all and look forward to peace on the mountain!