Follow
Share

52 year old Ocdtrauma70 here. I wrote about 6 weeks ago as I hit a tipping point with my mother (highly anxious, narcissist) who has never been able to settle down, has limited assets, etc. We offered to buy her a house (away from us). She has gone through different terrible periods and this one is not abating. The advice was to cut ties. The problem is she doesn’t have a place to live or any family and will not stop harassing everyone. All the rabbis and psychiatrists have tried to help her, but they have given up. I stopped reading emails but now she is emailing my husband 4 times a day. I don’t want to completely cut ties because I feel better knowing where she is (because I don’t want her near me). My sister saw her for the first time in 15 years (rough and tough bar owner) and she left crying from the manipulation. The rabbi got her an upscale place in St. Louis for a month but now she has to leave in 8 days. She has nowhere to go. She won’t pick a place to live. She says she only needs to be near me and I can’t stand her mental that I wrote started when I was around 13 and she divorced my father. As written, we’ve funded her and will continue to fund a moderate life but she at 77 says she is so worn down she needs us to care for her. She wants a husband. She wants doting children. The rabbis all empathize with me as no daughter should get a mother like this and as the posters on this board have told me, I am the one who needs help. Since my husband is reading the emails, I obsess much less and now he is seeing how it has been for me. He tunes everything out quickly and has a terrible memory, but even he is saying that it really gets to him with the manipulation. My son is sick of it. She is somewhat estranged but has a distorted view that need to take care of her. She doesn’t remember reality. People on this chat have said she is mentally ill. I don’t know if it is mental illness or simply a narcissistic entitlement personality disorder. When I refused to speak with her for the first time ever, she apologized for the first time in her life. She made excuses that her anxiety made it hard for her to cope and she couldn’t focus on anyone but herself but she did always love me. She said my love was the most important. Now she lies about not having food to eat. Now, stop listening everyone says. My sister wouldn’t see her twice in St. Louis and left for Denver. My stepmom (the second choice of my dad) offered to help her in Phoenix, but she wouldn’t take it. The rabbis are all at a loss but they can walk away. However, she is targeting me as her only source of hope and life. We told her how sick I have been from the OCD and her threats and told her to let me heal and we would leave the door open. However, she still is saying that the only place she can live in the whole world is by me. I have seen her 40 days in 20 years. She is mostly miserable when I see her, but I fake it. She shows me one picture from 15 years ago showing how happy we were together. Sad life but I can’t escape. Very afraid as she is delusional or just believing what she wants to believe. She says she will heal. I keep calling to scream at her as I want her to stay away. I fake the crazy back although I am really bottling it up all the time. We can’t ignore her - she won’t go away. She won’t take a nice condo in Florida. She just keeps talking about how little money she has and when we offer to buy her a house she says it’s not enough. There are no laws to stop her from coming here. I don’t want this crazy lady near me.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
If she comes by you, call 911 and have her sent to the ER for a psychiatric hold.

They will evaluate her and will need to find a placement.

If she is released, you get an Order of Protection from her (probably a good idea to put that in place now).

Change your phone number.

This IS mental illness. She is delusional.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
LoopyLoo Oct 2022
Agreed. Time for a Baker act/5150 hold.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
So this is a vent? right?? No question. Maybe also an update. Thank you for updating.
I don’t read where you have gotten anything done since your last post.
Did I miss it? You sound like you are miserable and I am sorry for that.
Why not see a therapist to help you deal while you are waiting for her to give up?
One other suggestion, not a rabbi, or other family member, hire an attorney with teeth to contact her and speak plainly. Take whatever your daughter is offering and leave her alone, or just leave her alone.

Help mom break the cycle or loop she is caught up in now. And you stop talking about it to anyone but a therapist or here. Here is okay.

There are no laws that say you must obsess over her obsession. See the similarity you have? You are your mother’s daughter. You were with her the first 19 years right? Fight against going down the same path she has gone down. Get away from her. Let the money go through the lawyer and he/she can give you updates but not too often.
Wishing you peace.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Ocdtrauma70 Oct 2022
Not a vent - I'm still trying to figure out what to do as there is one side that she is a human being who is miserable. I am miserable in this one aspect of my life (10% of each day), but I have an amazing husband, son, career, friends, health etc. So, I'm too lucky to have all of this and every time something good (as simple as watching a movie with my family) happens, I feel bad that I have it and she doesn't. I lived with my mother until age 13. In the same city until 19. Yes, similar to her in many respects, but very different on others. I worked my whole life and saved. I apologize frequently. I put others before me. I have a conscience! I just have this push and pull of wanting to be a decent human being as I'm not 100% sure that distancing is the right thing but I hate her for all she has done and continues to do. I appreciate your advice, but it won't work. A lawyer can contact her, but that won't stop her from contacting me or stop her from coming here. She can manage quite well and I can zelle her money. Yes, i talk about it with my husband and son and people ad nauseum. I think I am still trying to figure out what to do and how to fix it, how much to give her. She's really insane. Very upset that real estate prices have gone up, but my husband points out that we are the ones bearing the cost. Then her response is "but then if it was cheaper, you would buy the house and give me more money to travel." She doesn't see my sister, dad or MIL's problems with cancer etc. She can't see anyone else. I did change a bit. I stopped talking to her and checking her emails. But yes, once a day (multiple times a day) I think about it. My husband does too now.
(1)
Report
I think the core of what you're saying is that disconnecting from her would mean you give up your knowledge of her actions and whereabouts, which give you a feeling of control at some level. There's an idea for you to think about here: you didn't cause this, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. You won't find freedom until you accept that.

You also seem to be struggling with the fact that you can say NO but you can't make her like it. She is free to her opinions and you have a right to your boundaries. You don't have to make her accept it. And yeah, I get that you don't want her anywhere near you, I feel the same about mine. But then I remind myself there are certainly a lot of absolutely repulsive people in my city already, whether I know them or not, and I just don't worry about them because if they showed up at my door demanding to be let in I'd just call 911.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Ocdtrauma70 Oct 2022
Thanks. I live in San Francisco, so yes, lots of that on the street. I think you just gave me my new mantra: I didn't cause it, I can't control it...although I can control it by throwing a lot more money at her. If I gave her $60k a year (currently holding at 30k/year + offer for a house) and just let her travel the world, that would give me peace for a time. Then what happens when she is sick abroad with no insurance and no home and then needs me in 3 years to take care of her. I'm still trying to figure out whether I want her in this country (where she said she might not like the house we buy her and wants to still travel to Europe) or want her overseas. But, I guess not in my control anyway!
(0)
Report
I completely understand the anxiety. My mother has said she will move in with me. Didn’t ask just stated it. I told her she would be outside for a long time. Also said she would buy the house next door. I said no and if she did I would move. Realistically though there is no way she could move on her own. Can your mother manage a move to somewhere near you on her own? Moving is difficult and expensive. If not then just let the disaster play out. You could always get her a hotel room if she gets kicked out. Then just wait till that condo in Florida starts sounding pretty good.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Ocdtrauma70 Oct 2022
Thank you. My mother has been staying in hotels for 15 years, so it is a plane ticket away from getting a hotel here.
(0)
Report
You are trying to pay mom go away money up to buying her a house.

But mom just sees the money. If you can buy her a house, and for the same sum she could have an apartment, well why not?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
sp19690 Oct 2022
Right. Why buy her a house?
(0)
Report
You Mom is mentally ill. There is nothing you can do for her. Cut yourself off. No emails, no phone calls or texts. You are stressing yourself more knowing where she is then not knowing.

She is not your responsibility. You cannot help her, she won't let you. Nothing you do will help. She is 70 with a mental illness. She needs to be in a facility where she can get help. If you know where she lives get APS involved.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Ocdtrauma70 Oct 2022
Thank you for taking the time.
(0)
Report
The only one here who can change is you, ocdtrauma70.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Ocutrauma; So mom moves to a hotel near you.

So what?

If she shows up on your door step, you tell her that she may not come in and if she refuses to leave, you call the police and have her taken to the ER as a mentally ill person not capable of taking care of herself. You take out a Personal Order of Protection against her.

PLEASE start seeing a therapist who can help you stop enabling this sad, mentally ill person you call mom.

I have a book recommendation for you--"Never Simple" by Liz Scheier.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Here's the thing: you've seen the woman '40 days in 20 years', yet you obsess about her 365 days a year.

You want to deal with your mother, regardless of everyone telling you to STOP dealing with your mother.

You want contact with the woman, regardless of everyone telling you NOT to have contact with the woman.

You want to finance your mother's life, regardless of everyone telling you NOT to finance your mother's life, b/c you are going to need that money YOURSELF one day soon. And it won't be there, b/c she has sucked it all out of your account(s).

The rabbi's have tried and failed to help. You have tried and failed to help. Yet here you are, back again, posting the same story: "We can't ignore here, she won't go away." Fact is, if you change your numbers and your emails, she WILL go away b/c there will be no way to contact you (that you are aware of). Ignorance is bliss in this case.

You're so afraid she'll show up at your door, yet she hasn't done so for 20 years now, right? And if she does, you can call 911 to have her taken off to the ER for a psych evaluation which would be the BEST thing you can do for her. The woman suffers from mental illness, whether you believe that fact or not.

Fact is, you WANT contact and all this aggravation with your mother b/c it gives you some sense of control. While slartibartfast gave you the 3 C's to use to deal with this: You can't Control this, you can't Cure this, and you did not Cause this, STILL you choose to control this situation with your mother b/c you want to.

So go for it!

Nobody can stop you from handling this situation the way you see fit. But stop asking for help b/c you don't want help. If she shows up, call 911. Or don't. Take her into your home and care for her there, that's the other option. But the best thing you can do is to get some professional therapy/counseling to help guide you through the process of setting boundaries down and then sticking to them. We are not getting through to you, so go the therapist route. Or continue obsessing about your mother 24/7/365 for the next who-knows-how-long and ruin what's left of your life. Your choice.

I don't mean this to sound 'mean' or 'harsh', just to be a reality check for you to see what you're doing here & find a way to either accept your mother or fix the obsession over her by getting a therapist. Otherwise, she continues living inside your head & ruining your life, one way or another.

40x in 20 years, yet 24/7/365 in your head. How are YOU going to change that?
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
sp19690 Oct 2022
You go girl. Great advice.
(1)
Report
What I have to say is going to sound harsh, because you are making every excuse in the book why it can't change.

I call BS on that. You don't want it to change, you want to do and be good enough so this wacko b!+@h that gave birth to you will love you. It's never gonna happen! She doesn't have the capacity to love anyone, you're not special in that regard.

Until you come to terms with the truth and facts, she is going to continue to play you like a fool. She knows exactly how to keep you hoping that she will change and give you a mother's love. She knows she doesn't have it to give you but, you are still jumping through flaming hoops, tearing your hair out and kissing her backside to prove you are worthy of her love. In the mean time you are screwing your own family over.

Time to face the music and let her deal with the consequences of her choices or you can destroy yourself and your husband and your son trying to earn this thangs love and approval.

There are lots of homeless people and the majority are there by choice, because ain't nobody gonna make them do anything. Your mother is no different, except she knows how to work you and your heart. So she ain't gonna do nothin' she don't want, on your dime. You're being played for a fool.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
sp19690 Oct 2022
Amen to that and I'm not even religious.
(0)
Report
Damn. Really who gives a shit what happens to her? Seriously she will survive. Always has. Always will find a sucker to buy the shit she is selling until they get tired of her. Tell her flat out the truth. You don't want her living anywhere near you. You hate her manipulation. Lies and all the rest and are done. Give her a number for a social worker or homeless shelter and then be done for gods sakes. Until this women dies she will torment you. I hope telling the truth to your mother will set you free.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Very interested if you resolved it.
If I were you and wanted to help, I would offer One choice, no negotiable. And no San Francisco, one of my favourite cities, but so expensive.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You want Mommy to love you and you let her stay in your brain rent free. Move on and let her be homeless if that's what happens.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter