I'm my mother's 24/7 caregiver and have been doing this over ten years now. I finally confronted my sister (she lives an hour and a half away in another state and very very rarely visits) and I told her i can no longer do this. I told her we should consider a nursing home and her response was .. "well you know mother, you know she wouldn't do well in a nursing home, you know what would happen"...... That really upset me .. so now I'm thinking ..My mother just absolutely adores my sister and her 3 grown children. They are her "family" .. not sure what I am to her .. not sure what she is to me either .. she never bonded with me like she did with sister who is 7 years older than I. I'm sick and tired of losing my life and shouldering this burden. I want my life back. So, if this made any sense .. does anyone know if I can do this? Frankly, I think mother would thrive if she had her dear daughter and grandchildren around. And I can't think of any excuses they could use to NOT visit her if she were there. Of course, when I had the time and wasn't on vacation or whatever, I would be more than happy to come visit mother .. once or twice a year for a couple of days.
But apply common sense regarding what would be best for Mother, and for you. In some ways it sounds best for Mother to be close to her adored daughter. IF (and it is a big if) your sister and her children will take advantage of the proximity and visit, Mom may do very well. But if they don't, Mom won't even be able to excuse them because of distance. That would be pretty disillusioning. You may be better off with your mother in a different state, but not if it turns out that you still have all the responsibility for her care -- then you'd be better off near at hand.
Your sister should be supporting you.. not making you feel guilty. Absolutely! But you can't depend on what "should" be. Sister is who she is. She is not likely to change -- possibly even if Mom moves near her.
I would tell sister ONCE, "I am placing mother in a nursing home. Before I start looking, would you like to have me consider one located near you?" If she tries sending you on a guilt trip, just don't go there. "I am retiring from full time caregiving. Mother has to go somewhere. The only question open is whether it will be here or near you. What is your preference?"
I would give Sis some time (a week perhaps) to make up her mind, but I would not have this conversation over and over. Mom is moving. Does Sis want her nearby? That is the ONLY question that is open, and the answer is either yes or no.
Are you your mother's POA? Financial as well as Medical? If so, and your sister does not help in any way, then do what YOU feel is right for YOU and your mother. Neither your sister or youf mother may like it, but what options do they have? You are entitled to a life as well.
Start making out applications. The process can take weeks, even months, so don't hesitate. Make sure you read the reviews of each place. Visit each one before you take your mother. Let them help you find the right place for her and her needs. Also, let them know that she needs a place soon, as you are no longer able to take care of her.
If she is nearby, you will be able to visit on your terms, and can leave if the visit becomes intolerable. You may find your time with your mom will become better time. Your sister can complain all she wants, but unless she wants to become responsible for her care, it is not her decision.
I too, wanted to move my father closer to me to a VA home 20 minutes from myself and my adult kids, knowing he would have far more visitors. My dad and sister live in another state. My sister who lived 20 minutes from where he was, rarely visited and even said to me, that if we move him she wanted him closer to her not further away. She did not want to make it harder for her to visit. No kidding. But it was ok to make it harder for me.
I took him to all of his appointments, visited as often as I could. I gave up my job to take care selling his home, and running errands, etc, etc. I lived an hour and 20 minutes away. BUT... because of the residency requirement, I knew I did not have enough funds to keep him for a year without Medicaid, so we did move dad. He is 7 miles from her and now 2 hours from me.
I still visit as often as I can. The reason I agreed to the move was the residency requirement. So, I still do what I know to be the right thing. The good thing is my sister, has stepped up and visits quite a bit more than ever. She worked very hard on all the paperwork. It has been a win win for me (except for the distance). But, it is quiet time for me on the drive.
I hope you find the help you need so that you can enjoy your life more. Your mother will be ok. You will be a better daughter if you are not resenting her and you will become a happier person, knowing you made the right decision for everyone.
I also agree with Gabbisgram that you will be a better daughter when you're not overwhelmed by caring for your mother and by all the resentment of being the one who provides her care when you don't feel that you're the one she favours - I recognise that feeling, it's an insidious one and adds a sense of injustice to the mix which is hard to shake off.
What you want to avoid, though, is feeling that you've done your stretch and now it's your sister's turn, finito. It just doesn't work like that. Once you're rested and free of the grind, your feelings towards your mother will probably soften, you know. You're certainly most unlikely to find yourself able to wash your hands of all concern and anxiety about her. Try to find a long-term solution that works for everyone - not forgetting your grown nephews/nieces, who may pleasantly surprise you by how much time they're prepared to contribute.
I agree that this is your call. Your sister hasn't participated up to this point, so she can't expect to tell you what to do now.