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In 2019 after a VERY expensive divorce my 78 year old mom suffered a stroke causing some vision loss and forcing her into retirement. She was unable to drive to her appointments or get groceries for herself. I was working full time and had two daughters attending the University where I was employed (as a benefit of my job the private University covered 90% of the kid’s tuition as well as excellent health insurance and other generous benefits). I lived/worked about 75 miles one way from mom so I had her taken to a facility about 15 minutes from her home for her to recover. As the youngest of four siblings (my two brothers had past away from Early onset Alzheimer’s a year prior) and my sister lived about halfway between my home and our mom the majority of the decisions and take her to appointments. I have four children of my own, two were in college at the time , one was in high school one in middle school. I was running myself half to death trying to be everything to everyone and not doing anything “well”. I had suffered a concussion about four months prior to mom’s stroke and was using FMLA while I recovered. Therefore, I had exhausted that benefit so I was using vacation and what sick time I had. Once that was exhausted I took days without pay. I made a decision to leave my position she could go home due to the fact that my sister was completely uninvolved. Then COVID hit! Mom wouldn’t leave her house and declined significantly. She noticed a lump on her breast and once I got her to a doctor she had about nine biopsies and they “stopped because there were too many tumors to count”. She had a mastectomy moved in with me and I took her to radiation every day for six weeks. She returned to her home and was doing well then I got COVID and didn’t see mom for almost three weeks (typically I would visit her, take her groceries, pay her bills etc). After not actually seeing her for so long I immediately noticed she was very different. I immediately took her to the ER and the Dr showed me the images and I saw 9 lesions on her brain. She had a procedure called Gamma Knife that broke the large tumors into smaller ones. Long story short my sister was no where to be found. I was alone in this and still had kids to take care of. After this procedure in January of 2022 her oncologist told me in February “spend as much time as you possibly can with your mother for the next two weeks”. My mother currently lives alone and does what she can for herself and certain she is a “medical miracle”! I have seen to moms every need (with the amazing help from mom’s neighbor) and am blessed to have her still with me however I have been driving around 140 miles 3-4 times a week since 2019. I have interviewed for a few jobs and worked a couple of part time jobs but I haven’t had health insurance since I left my job in 2019. I am 51 years old and need to take care of myself because if I get sick what would happen to my mom? She is financially stable and tries to help me with things like gas money etc but when my sister found out mom was helping me she filed a Civil Lawsuit against me for “misusing mom’s money, elder abuse, theft of mom’s valuables and about 6 additional things. I have spent $40k this year alone in legal fees defending myself against this lawsuit. So I can’t pay for private healthcare. Am I missing something that is out there to help me get just a basic health insurance?

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The reality seems to be that your mom is still alive and financial stable. But you are broke, uninsured and unemployed as a result.

Keep applying for jobs. Have mom go to a lawyer and set up a caregiving contract so that she can pay you for what you're currently doing.
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ventingisback Aug 2023
“your mom is still alive and financial stable. But you are broke, uninsured and unemployed as a result.”

The story of so many people.
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BTW, your mother needs to use her money for caregivers so you can go back to your old university job with the good benefits.
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"I am 51 years old and need to take care of myself because if I get sick what would happen to my mom?"

That isn't the question. The real question is, "I am 51 years old and need to take care of myself because if I get sick what would happen to ME?"
But I guess you've figured that out.

Please stop sacrificing for mom and get a job with benefits. Mom could pay for her own care so you wouldn't have to drive there so often, and she should be in a facility anyway. I'm really sorry you're in this situation, but we see that a lot on here. Self-sacrifice isn't all that noble (and I know because I've done it and regretted it). You're supposed to put on your own oxygen mask first and then help others. Good luck.
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Southernwaver Aug 2023
I’m sorry to say, Pamela has made one bad decision after another. I wonder if she is in the FOG?
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Have you applied for Medicaid?
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The absolute last thing you should do is quit your job!! DON’T DO THIS!
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Isthisrealyreal Aug 2023
Loopy, I read this post to say she quit her job back in 2019 to care for mom. Now she's looking for insurance that she can afford.
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Hi Pamela - I hope you're taking care of yourself. Regarding health insurance, you should apply for ObamaCare insurance and since you currently are not making an income, your insurance should be totally paid for thru Medicaid insurance. You should look up ObamaCare and call their 800 number and a representative will help you and take you thru the steps. I've recommended this to several others. Everyone is entitled to healthcare.
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Southernwaver Aug 2023
If she isn’t in a red state. If she is in Mississippi for instance, she is likely out of luck.
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What state are you in? For instance if you are in California, you could check out the Covered California website to apply for Medi-Cal or low-cost insurance.

https://www.coveredca.com/

I am sorry for your very trying situation but as I read your story I am thinking of your children in all of this. Would you want one of them to martyr themselves as you have done for your mother?

Definitely not trying to be harsh, you sound extremely kind and caring but it seems as though your own health, livelihood, future financial stability, children’s education etc. were very easily discarded by you. Is the bad divorce your mother endured part of that emotional situation for you?
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Something doesn't add up here. Civil lawsuit? $40k in legal fees? Makes no sense. Mom lives alone? She must be mentally competent correct? Mom could do whatever she wishes with her money if she is mentally competent. Mom could have put an end to any lawsuit stuff before it even began. If you want to add more to clarify on that, please do.

As far as insurance, you would be able to get Medicaid if you have no income.

I'm sorry you quit your job, I wish you had found this forum before you decided to do that, we could have helped you then.
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Southernwaver Aug 2023
It’s true the 40k doesn’t add up, my MIL was in a decade plus long lawsuit like this and we never came close to 40k in legal fees. (Until the judgement that is. My advice is to settle— people doing the right thing do get rulings against them with weird laws and loopholes and technicalities).

40k. No way. I find that hard to believe. How many hearings in one year?
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Well, you’ve certainly gotten yourself into a pickle. Do you qualify for your state’s Medicaid?

Your mother sounds like she is in better financial and physical shape than you are.

What do your kids think of all of this? How old are the youngest ones and how are they getting their college paid (just wondering)?
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It appears you have lost a great deal more than health insurance.

Yet it also appears you wanted to care for your Mom - yourself. And you have.

This may have brought great love & satisfaction to your life - but has also had brought great consequences.

Did you have a time frame in mind when you started your caregiving journey? Or was it an emergency reaction? (Quickly taking over Mom's oars in her canoe when the river changed dramatically).
Maybe Mom didn't get a change to adjust to life after divorce..? (Paddle her own canoe). Then stroke happened to her. Stroke can steal a person's independance in a flash. Recovery is always hoped for but many find themselves unable to return to 'normal as before' but in a 'new normal'.

Do you feel that both of you have really acceped these huge losses that happened to Mom? Talked them through? Felt the grief & loss.

Have you made *sustainable* longer term plans? If not, it's never to late to start.

Moving forward, does Mom want to be so dependant on you? For this to change the very shape of your adult life?
Do you want to be living Mom's life with her instead of your own - with a job, possible travel or whatever else you used to do?
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