Parts of this are gonna seem like rants and unkind, so if you’re not into that look away now.
So I’m watching tv almost out. SO is completely out. The phone rings from two rooms over. It’s MIL.
His father has fallen again twice in a month, cracked his pelvis again, released from the ER again, and now again she needs her two full grown boys to hoist him over their steps that should have been converted to a ramp in 2020 but for their “independence” that would have allowed their quasi legal Indy, all 200 pounds, diabetic, kidney stones and with back pain she’s already divulged, to wheel him in there.
Nope, now she’s just a 105k year friend, they are comfy with her. Explain to me how she’s gonna lift this person, or will FIL be like that dude's dad limping around for lobster, crying independence, whatever.
SO is realistic. He’s like, my dad can’t walk and will be in a home. I’m like yeah he will unless they kit it out to be like a nursing home, with actual aides from a nurse registry to deal alongside the ones they have now. They can actually afford it by huge margins so let’s quit it with the clipping coupons, and super recycle frugality ok.
Its only the beginning of the end.
Ring ring.
Who's there?
No, no joke.. just another cracked bone 😣.
A blessing is your SO's realism & yours too! Keep that up.
Can't walk? Will need a wheelchair.
Can't stand? Need a hoist lifter.
Yes they can deck their house out like a NH, or hey, like one poster said.. like a cruise ship there were so many hand rails 😂. Plus the crew to run it & a Captain to oversee too.
Gosh, imagine if your SO said well now FIL is going to need us to lift him, carry him, wash & dry him. Oh & by 'us'.. I'm real busy so I mean 'you'.
What if one was ill/injured/on holidays - or said no ?
They need to hire a competent caregiver not one with a whole host of issues like you describe. Doesn't SIL also get paid handsomely too?
Whats the point of paying all this money to caregivers when these caregivers cannot do much to help? At 200,000 a year they could live in a really nice assisted living place.
Unless your husband stops helping them this situation won't change. If he can't stop helping maybe he should charge them 2500 each time he has to go over and help them.
Is hospice involved?
Best to be as pragmatic as you can. Basically you aren't enabling it a whole lot that I can see. Other than it should have been, as Barb says, a lift team 911 to get Dad in.
Don't let it be destructive to your own relationship. Let your guy be about his folks and his fishing friends; do your "own thing" whether that's reading, gardening, walking, whatever.
This all is what it is and I can hear resignation in your voice, which is a good thing.
This whole scenario boggles my mind.😊 I would not marry into this family. Especially how it is now. And if I did, I would be moving far away.
I'm not immune to some wrinking myself 😜
Both brother and SO dropped by the house. The indy has a technique to roll him side to side to get stuff under him, and utilized a belt as kind of a pulley so that the patient can brace as this is all going on. STill, she requested help both times as it’s much easier with two people.
With SO, it was putting a towel under him. The brother got to see the live demo of removing soiled Depends. It remains to be seen how much of this sil can handle.
I know the ils are gonna go with that plan as long as no one gets hurt. I duly told SO it’d be better if that was the sil than the no family indy, who’d be more likely to sue. I implored him that come Wednesday to not be the one hurt for a non critical doctors. He won’t be suing either.
It is exasperating that there still seems little foresight, but I know the train will have to go totally off the wheels for them to look into more help.
Keep to the script.
The care needs are now *insert*.
So you will need help for *insert*.
I will help with *insert*.
I will not help with *insert*.
Eg: Assistance: a bedbound person requiring full assist for all personal ADLs, bed rolls 2 x assist, transfers 3 x assist.
Equipment: Electric bed. Wheelchair. Commode. Possible hoist? Ramp (to allow home access).
Transport: Wheelchair transport (if able to sit) or non-emerg stretcher transport (if not).
Eg I will help by visiting & bringing some groceries.
Eg I will not help with personal care, toileting, transfers, transport.
Some people can make their boundaries clear from day 1 of a new health crises/change. Others wade in, find they stepped in quicksand & have to plot their steps out before they drown.
Another (shorter) script when they call for crises/fall/lift is: Hang up. Call 911.
Ring ring. It’s mom saying that her and sil are going out, can he go over and stay with dad in his feverish state. Oh, he wouldn’t have to be close to him, she said.
He pointed out that this would obviate the reason he should even be there. He told them yesterday that he couldn’t be their solution so.
FIL is the only one who even tried to stand up to sil, to this arrangement. He obvi prefers the night weekend person who at least has a background in taking care of old people. He’s asked her if she knows anyone. This is at least a start. If he’s comfy then the mil will accept the new person, who will be a permanent person, because it turns out now that there’s a back fracture as well.
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