Is this too much? Feels like too much.

I’m the ex daughter-in-law. I’ve been divorced for 10 years but stay connected because I love ex’s 90-yo parents, especially his mom, with whom I’ve had a terrific, loving, mother-daughter relationship for 45 years. I like and respect BIL, who has medical PoA. I have a frosty relationship with ex, who has financial PoA and lives out of state. (FWIW, we have two young adult children, who are close to both their father and to me, as well as to his parents; the kids also live out of state and move around somewhat, but they’ve both visited their grandparents twice in the last year.)

MIL has pretty severe dementia, worsening dramatically within last 3-4 years, and FIL is showing signs of memory loss. They still live at home in a challenging house and refuse to move to assisted living, where they’d be safer. They also reject agency caregivers. They need more help. They can afford it, but they refuse it from outsiders, although they gladly accept it from family.

My BIL is great. He checks on his parents several times a week, does minor home repairs, and arranges for medical appointments & transport, but he does not do home/personal care tasks. Meanwhile, I’m afraid that they’ll eat spoiled food or set the kitchen on fire. MIL is in very poor health, one fall or infection will probably be the end for her. As a result, my occasional visits 5 years ago have steadily increased to at least twice-weekly, with me cooking dinner, doing laundry, sometimes getting groceries, and investigating/rectifying bad smells. Sometimes I stay overnight, when I can manage it with my FT work-from-home desk job.

The caregiving feels like a lot. No one has forced or even asked me to do it; I choose it. And MIL/FIL are grateful and say so, frequently. But it also feels like there is no good solution for their needs. Just writing this, I am wondering why I am allowing myself to be “the solution”.

I lost my own mom to dementia a few years ago. Our dad died a few years before that, when my kids were in HS. I was not particularly close to either parent, but I loved them and I participated in their care along with my siblings. I am the only one who had to travel cross-country to do it (and the only one with kids at home), so I did less than some of my siblings. In some ways, I think I help my MIL so much because other people cared for my mom when I wasn’t able to — what goes around, comes around, you know? I’m nearby (35 minutes) so I’m able to help MIL.

I think that, in the face of their parents’ refusal to accept paid caregivers or AL placement, the sons’ strategy may be to allow deterioration at home as a way to force their parents into eventually accepting outside help. But I step in because I can’t bear thinking of them in these conditions, and the entire family is glad to have me there to help. Am I just enabling them, while sacrificing myself to be their PT caregiver?

PS: I have discussed with my own therapist. No resolution, just more questions.