I’m the ex daughter-in-law. I’ve been divorced for 10 years but stay connected because I love ex’s 90-yo parents, especially his mom, with whom I’ve had a terrific, loving, mother-daughter relationship for 45 years. I like and respect BIL, who has medical PoA. I have a frosty relationship with ex, who has financial PoA and lives out of state. (FWIW, we have two young adult children, who are close to both their father and to me, as well as to his parents; the kids also live out of state and move around somewhat, but they’ve both visited their grandparents twice in the last year.)
MIL has pretty severe dementia, worsening dramatically within last 3-4 years, and FIL is showing signs of memory loss. They still live at home in a challenging house and refuse to move to assisted living, where they’d be safer. They also reject agency caregivers. They need more help. They can afford it, but they refuse it from outsiders, although they gladly accept it from family.
My BIL is great. He checks on his parents several times a week, does minor home repairs, and arranges for medical appointments & transport, but he does not do home/personal care tasks. Meanwhile, I’m afraid that they’ll eat spoiled food or set the kitchen on fire. MIL is in very poor health, one fall or infection will probably be the end for her. As a result, my occasional visits 5 years ago have steadily increased to at least twice-weekly, with me cooking dinner, doing laundry, sometimes getting groceries, and investigating/rectifying bad smells. Sometimes I stay overnight, when I can manage it with my FT work-from-home desk job.
The caregiving feels like a lot. No one has forced or even asked me to do it; I choose it. And MIL/FIL are grateful and say so, frequently. But it also feels like there is no good solution for their needs. Just writing this, I am wondering why I am allowing myself to be “the solution”.
I lost my own mom to dementia a few years ago. Our dad died a few years before that, when my kids were in HS. I was not particularly close to either parent, but I loved them and I participated in their care along with my siblings. I am the only one who had to travel cross-country to do it (and the only one with kids at home), so I did less than some of my siblings. In some ways, I think I help my MIL so much because other people cared for my mom when I wasn’t able to — what goes around, comes around, you know? I’m nearby (35 minutes) so I’m able to help MIL.
I think that, in the face of their parents’ refusal to accept paid caregivers or AL placement, the sons’ strategy may be to allow deterioration at home as a way to force their parents into eventually accepting outside help. But I step in because I can’t bear thinking of them in these conditions, and the entire family is glad to have me there to help. Am I just enabling them, while sacrificing myself to be their PT caregiver?
PS: I have discussed with my own therapist. No resolution, just more questions.
You're a good Daughter in Love. Legal family or not, you want the best for your loved ones. ◡̈
If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck…….. it is a duck.
Yes you are enabling all of them including POA , whose problem it is .
Step back . If the children are letting things get worse to force the couple into care , you are interfering.
You say they are unsafe . No one is there 24/7 anyway . They need placement with 24/7 supervision if they are unsafe alone at home . In home paid help is too expensive 24/7. Stop doing what you are doing. It’s only prolonging placement in an assisted living .
I love all my former in-laws and stay in touch with them. I'll help one of them out once in a while if I can because all of them are pretty old now, but I will not take on any caregiving duties nor be responsible for any of their day-to-day needs. You should not allow the caregiving to be put on you.
You mention 'severe dementia' and that your BIL has POA. So here's how this works. Your former in-laws have dementia and are living in a dangerous situation.
The decision to bring in care or to have them placed in a care facility is not theirs to make.
They no longer get the choice of who they will "allow" to keep them safe and healthy. They're not making those decisions anymore. Their POA makes those decisions now.
Your ex-MIL has in your own words 'severe dementia'. So, don't try to reason with her about anything. Talk to your ex-FIL and tell him how dangerous the living situation is and that you cannot take care of them anymore. Tell him that your job has changed. You have to start going into the office now so you won't be able to help them like you do.
Bottom line. Either give accept homecare and hired caregivers coming into the home or it's a nursing home for them both.
She's correct.
You tell us this:
"They still live at home in a challenging house and refuse to move to assisted living, where they’d be safer. They also reject agency caregivers. They need more help. They can afford it, but they refuse it from outsiders, although they gladly accept it from family."
We have had a recent discussion on Forum about labeling, using such words as "Narcissistic" and "selfish". Sorry, but there are times words apply. Certain adjectives are briefly descriptive, and in this case, selfish hits it for me.
You say that you "choose" to do this. I'm so glad you recognize this, because it saves so much time.
Yes, you are enabling them, and this situation.
Yes, you are sacrificing yourself.
The good thing here is that you already understand this situation 1,000%. And that you know the choice is yours, and that choosing to take care of yourself now, to step back from being a caregiver to return to being a loving ex DIL and friend IS an option.
This is YOUR life. Only you can make this choice. But I will tell you that it delights me to read someone who has already figured this out for herself.
I hope you will update us.
Your heart is in the right place. Your actions may not be in their best interests.
What does your ex and his brother have to say about your help? If they object, I certainly wouldn’t step on their toes.
Or is this a situation where you feel that your ex and BIL are taking advantage of your good nature?
Either way, it’s certainly not an ideal situation.
I understand that you feel happy about helping them because you care so much. Please take a closer look at the broader picture and see how this could be doing more harm than good.
They need full time support and you are working a full time job. What happens when their needs increase?
Even though it isn’t intentional, this situation is developing into a codependent relationship. If you continue to help in this manner, it will inevitably end up being counterproductive for everyone.
You can’t quit your job to offer more help when it is necessary.
I know that they are appreciative of your help and that’s wonderful. They may not understand that you aren’t able to continue to care for them and everyone will be upset.
I know that this has been going on for a while, which makes it awkward for you to step away. I still feel that it’s better for you to open the door for them to have the opportunity to receive full time care.
Set a deadline for a date that you will leave and stick to it.
After they are placed in care, you can visit them and enjoy seeing them without the burden of being a caregiver.
Wishing you and your ex in-laws all the best.
I would recommend getting a caregiver in while you are able to be there and train them. Then you can slowly step out and let the POAs deal with the caregiver and increasing needs.
There folks are not intentionally trying to steal your life, they are trying to survive with loss of executive functions and need loving guidance to feel safe with changes they are facing, have faced. Getting old is not easy under the best circumstances, then add illness and disease, crikey we would all look like narcissists if every single day was filled up with so much unknown and a feeble body to top it all off.
You are truly an example, may your BIL step up with the plan and get his brother to utilize his financial POA to pay for the care their parents need. Then you can be their friend and keep an eye without being the boots on the ground caregiver.
My family knows my aunt needs 24/7 day care. They refused to put her in a facility. They felt because I had POA, I should be the solution to come stay with aunt and help.
I even got a caregiver to help aunt. She no longer wanted to payand hot rid of the caregiver and thought that I would be back to help. I gave up POA and stopped helping. We are not the solution.
They are your in laws, and that is mighty noble of you, but you have done your part. The more you do, the more everyone will step back and let you take on. Get your life back. If they refuse caregivers or a facility, that is not your problem. I cringe at the state my aunt and her house must now be in, but I tried and I couldn't do it anymore.
Wwishing you peace and strength to move forward from a difficult 🙏🏽 situation.
BIL needs to figure out next steps.
One thing I learned from taking care of my disabled sister many years ago is that when I stepped out of the way, someone else stepped in. We were blessed that we had a good social worker and an advocate who pushed for her special education placement and her eventual placement. The placement took about three years, but everything worked out. I ended up moving out of the family home afterwards, and my sister moved into a brand new group home.
You have no legal or moral obligation to the In-Laws.
You are both enabling them, while sacrificing your own life. You don't get this time back, either. Who will care for you?
Of course after 40 years, you have good intentions.
Probably time to clue the BIL in, as to why you can't (or won't) be part of the long term solution. You jumped in for awhile and aren't able to keep it up. He's the one who will have the responsibility to get his own parents into a safe place.
That won't happen with your FIL's mindset. Money to pay, but they won't. They'd rather let everyone be their caregiver slaves for free, despite having money.
You have no reason to feel guilty, so start the pullback without delay.
Let us know how it goes.
Can you strategize with Bill?
Be around to introduce a new agency caregiver as a "friend" who needs work?
Explain that you have to be away for a few weeks and they need to go to respite care?
Tell them a major repair/fumigation/heating system needs tending to and they need to vacate forca few weeks?
You’ve explained beautifully why you’ve jumped in to help them. Your kindness is laudable. They’re lucky to have you. BUT…..
They really need 24/7 care. They should be in a continuing care facility where the needs of each of them can be met by professionals. And from what you describe, assisted living wouldn’t be enough for MIL. Memory care for MIL would be my guess, and possibly for FIL sooner rather than later.
If they insist on staying in their home, it’s going to get worse for everyone, including you (and technically, you don’t have to be there at all). The situation that you’re trying to help will become way more problematic for you if you don’t back off. It’s like an octopus, tentacles that will continue to grab you, and the tentacles have tentacles.
Save yourself! Talk up the idea of professional care for them. Inform the family that you can’t keep this up because you’re getting burned out. Then take your own life back and remind yourself that this shouldn’t have ever been your problem to solve.