My parents live with us and don't really require all that much care yet. In fact, my father pretty much rejects any help, and often winds up in a mess with his insurance or bills. My mother has always preferred to pretend ignorance and have everyone do everything for her. They've been with us for four years and I am already burned out. I find myself getting frustrated easily and tired of the lack of respect, unappreciation, and sometimes thinly veiled accusations from my father. He is a very negative and unpleasant person and a pro at playing the victim. He really is not nice to my mother which causes a lot of stress for everyone. He's been told about it for years but it has never gotten better.
Lately he is playing on some minor health issues and always talking about being sickly and dying, how neither of them will be around much longer, etc. I worry about what that will do to my mother's mental health, even though she ignores much of what he says and does. That is her way of dealing with him for 50+ years.
I very much dread the day that they need more care. I do have two sisters but they live 6 and 10 hours away, so everything rests on my husband and myself.
Any suggestions on how to encourage them to seek out more help, or even make the move to senior living? My father has researched a few places whenever he is mad at everyone, but has never really checked any out. We don't say too much because we don't want them to feel like we are throwing them out. But it feels more and more like that would be the best option for everyone.
They will both certainly start up with the guilt-tripping, negativity, and gaslighting, but ignore it. You have to ignore it. They have to move. Don't get played.
Please stop taking their crap and senior-brat behavior. Your father "researching" places to move when he's "mad" is paramount to the brat-child who packs a suitcase and threatens to run away from home.
This is nonsense. All of you are adults here and you even say in your post that they don't really require care. Them moving into a senior living community is totally realistic. So please don't second-guess and question yourself otherwise.
Offer to help them find a place and to move them in. You don't owe them an explanation for why you want them to move, but if you want to explain just tell them truthfully. That you and your husband would like to live alone. That's all the explanation necessary.
Showing them all the positives like being around folks their own age, having daily activities to keep them busy if they so choose, and having fun in the last portion of their lives you would think would be a no brainer.
So set up some appointments at several of these places and tell them that as much as you love them, there will come a point when their care will just be too much for you and you would rather they spend their final years in a place that has their best interests and care in mind.
And the nice thing is that when your dad gets on your moms last nerve while she's living in either independent or assisted living she can just go down the hall to visit with a lady friend to get away from him.
You and hubby matter in this equation as well, and deserve to enjoy your lives as well, apart from your parents.
You've paid your dues caring for them for 4 years already, so now it's time for you to get your life back, so you and hubby can start doing things that you enjoy and not have to worry about mom and dad.
Someone has to take the first step and hopefully that someone will be you.
They are living with you and there is no reason that they would want to change that.
YOU are going to have to initiate the conversation and tell them point blank that you are in no position to help them physically and it is getting to the point where they will both need more help.
Also mention you are getting older and you have your own physical limitations.
I would set a deadline. If you want to be generous tell them the First of the Year. if you want to push it along by Thanksgiving would be plenty of time.
The big question would be would they want to live near where they are now, where they have friends, know the area or would they want to move closer to your siblings.
(If anyone is POA I would suggest that they locate near that person)
If there is no POA this is another discussion you should be having as well.
I have a feeling they have gotten a free ride 4 years, which is ridiculous.
When you feel that trapped feeling, take your house and own family back.
So, if you're realllly ready for them to go, make a plan and lower the boom. Expect some b.s. and let it roll off your shoulders. Once they're gone, you'll be so much happier. It's soooo nice to have your house to yourself!
My mother is 98, don't assume that they won't be around much longer.
You should go alone to check out some of the places and find out all the details. Then you can take your parents with you to visit the ones you think are most appropriate. Then tell them to pick one - if there is a choice. Sometimes there is a waiting list. Don't offer them any place that has a waiting list because that postpones this move. Get the move done ASAP, just like ripping off a bandaid.
You can't keep them forever and the earlier they settle in to their new space the better for everyone.
You didn't say, but I do wonder...Inability to manage finances, unsubstantiated accusations, perseverating about a subject, and the inability to act rationally sounds like it could be the beginnings of a dementia.
Some things can mimic dementia, like depression, a UTI, vitamin defficiencies, thyroid issues.
Can you tell your dad's provider about your concerns (away from your dad) and get your dad assessed by telling him it's just a routine check up?
I ask because it might change how you need to approach the move with them, and what kind of place is selected for them to move to. And if there is an underlying cause for dad's behaviors, then dad's provider could prescribe him something to smooth out his moods, making any moves to AL a lot easier on you.
If it were dementia, then your dad's ability to reason and act thoughtfully has been affected, as well as his ability to initiate and see multi-step tasks through to the end. In that case, with a dementia diagnosis, you can activate the POA and make the decisions about what place meets their needs best, sign the paperwork, and keep things moving forward.
Living apart encourages autonomy, socialization with peers, hobbies and activities, on site care, and the fostering of better relationships between family members due to less resentment in general.
Good luck to you.
Senior living may be fine when everyone is well, it can be quite different if a health issue, COVID, for example is in play.
All the best
Some considerations:
Be sure to have all POA and other documents in place for future use if as needed.
Confer with their PCP for current
" level of care needs" assessments for each of them.
Have PCP assign a case manager/ social service worker to assist them to find appropriate options for senior residency placement. This will greatly assist you all having a professional objective person facilitating the transition.
Expect some outburst, anger other tearful perhaps moments from them but do not let this stop the transition. Every has some grief associated with any change and this is very prevalent with senior citizens and family. Affirm that their quality of life will be improved and, that you will feel better knowing that should you be one ill , that they are settled in a facility care environment that can provide 24/7 care as needed .
Seek spiritual emotional support counseling for yourself and practice good self care...
Stay strong .....
The more independent they are being in one of these facilities, the better, for them
Next offer them a solution that you will take them to a couple of places. I suggest that you visit places first to "feel the vibe" if you think it suits their personality.
You also want to mention to dad that you could be co signers of the bank account in case something happens. Once you have access, set the account up online to monitor. Try to get those legal papers in order.
You have a 'sit down' meeting with them and give them options.
It isn't a matter of 'encouraging' IF you actually want them to move (due to burn out and needing your own life, back). Encouraing will get you nowhere as they see that they needs are being met so why should they seek other (more expensive) living arrangements? They won't.
You need to be clear on your intentions. While it may feel uncomfortble for you to assert yourself and telling them TO LEAVE, if you want them too, you need to tell them. You can do it nicely.
* Tell them how YOU feel. They should know. Do not hide the fact that you feel burnt out and need to make adjustments to your living situation. You can do this while asserting how much you love and care for them. It isn't one or the other.
* Say this is a very HARD discussion to have because you feel torn (you do).
* Before you sit down with them, do some research - call either residential senior living, assisted living facilities - ask about option of move-in (when available as some have waiting lists), what is included with housing options (ask for a brochure).
* Realize there is NO easy way to make these important - and needed - changes. You have to push through your fears and guilt - and all the unknown feelings.
* State to them WHY this is a better place / move for them.
- Write these down ahead of time and as it feels right, give them the list to consider.
- See the situation from their point of view. They will not want to move, they may / likely (?) will react with anger or disapointment or a combination of these emotions / feelings - and more. Be prepared for whatever response(s) you get.
* If you cannot handle the 'feedback" / responses, do not react or respond.
Tell them you need time to consider this discussion. The reason to 'let it settle in' is for both you and them -
* to plant the idea and review / revisit (soon).
* You do not want emotions to reach an angry point (if it might go there).
Try to end the discussion with telling them you will (or have) set up an apointment to visit xxx retirment / assisted living communities. Do not leave this discussion open ended because they will not want to discuss it again. Let them know that you 'mean business" (in the nicest way) so you 'all' need to pursue 'options'.
They may / may not realize that you 'need and deserve a life' of your own.
Expect this. When patterns of behavior and relationships have been in a routine for years, expectations are in place. You will be changing the 'status quo' and in a huge way. STILL you deserve your life and the quality of your life ... and it will be much better for them to be in a facility / development that can meet their needs IN WAYS YOU CANNOT (tell them this) "It is for your safety and benefit" (including socializing with others, activities, community).
Practice before you approach a meeting.
Do this in your own home, not in a restaurant.
If you need a therapist / therapy session first, do it.
Call / contact / acquire a social worker to support you, if they do not have one already.
* Tell your sisters that YOU NEED SUPPORT and have them be available on Zoom or even in person. This SHOULD NOT all be your responsibility, although you've allowed that so this is the way it is now. Let them know you need them / you need their support ... and so do your parents. This is a 'family' dynamic / situation that needs to be addressed.
However your parents or the rest of the family responds, realize that you need to take action. DO have all the legal documents in order / updated (POA, finances, banking).
This is hard. You need to do it for everyone's concern.
You do not want to wait until they 'need' more medical care or aides. They will eventually if not now. Now is the time to do what is in their best interest, and yours. They will adjust. They may enjoy the new 'life' with other elders.
Gena/Touch Matters
After I did cancer & chemo and followed that closely with a major foot/ankle surgery, I knew that the 40+ steps that were in my home were not a good idea anymore. To 'age out' in a split entry house? Forget about it.
I started looking for one level homes at that point and DH just kind of went along with me. He makes no decisions, so he just re-acts when things fall apart, rather than ACTING. He was 'meh' about the house we bought. As long as he has his golf clubs and a huge TV to watch, he really doesn't care where he is.
We moved to a condo community with an HOA that does so much for us. I was the one who shoveled snow, mowed lawns, did all the yardwork, etc. And with a single car garage, I never got to park in covered parking. Now we have a large 2 car garage. We do have stairs, but we literally can go weeks without needing to go downstairs. I have a LOT of totally empty closets and it's very joyful for me!
This has been a huge change for us, but b/c we did in far in advance of actually NEEDING this dynamic, we got to be picky. I love this place. My hips and back enjoy not doing stairs all day--and I feel safer being in a tight community.
AND--If we need care in our later years, we will add a kitchen to the basement and employ CG's to live with us. If that isn't enough, there is a beautiful (and expensive!) ALF just a few blocks away.
I've tossed so much of the stuff we didn't need. And I continue to cull through things.
My MIL and mom both aged at home. Mom passed a year ago, MIL is still kicking and demanding that she be kept at home and is a real pill about it. She SHOULD have moved to AL last year, but threw tantrums and the kids took her back home. My DH is so depressed about having to care for her.
Poor planning results in situations like this. MIL is killing all of us. I fully expect DH or his OB to have a heart attack, due to the stress of making mama happy.
I will NOT do that to my kids.
The kids refused to have that 'talk' with their mother. Now it's too late.
I'm a planner and a fixer. I can't 'fix' MIL. I also cannot plan for her.
If you fail to plan--you're planning to fail.
Our kids are so grateful that we are being amenable to the changes they suggest and the things that we need to do to age in place.
I wish you luck as you try to work with your folks over this change. I hate change and this hasn't been easy, but it would be 100xs worse if my kids were pushing me to do it.
Do this transition and move now before either one of of them gets worse. Not only will their care be increasingly more demanding, but it's what they've come to expect from you. To keep caring for them. Their pity-party will be Oscar worthy performance by then.
In advance, you may want to do your research in eventually showing nice senior communities for them to view. And if it's too uncomfortable or emotional to have one of these serious heart-to-heart conversations with them about it being too difficult to have them stay with you any longer, how about changing it to some other easier excuse, such as saying that you've decided to scale back and move to a smaller place for financial purposes - or come up with something wrong with your house and you'll need to move...or that you'll need their bedroom as a home office, etc...then present exciting new options for them to see - the possibility of meeting new friends, new social life waiting for them - and new activities, etc.
This way, there are no hurt feelings or hard convos to be had ...wishing you all the best of luck with this and you're doing the right thing in helping them find a more suitable next home!
Is there a professional person you father might listen to and trust? Sometimes an outside voice resonates more than a child’s.