Some back history here. My dad recently passed away from heart issues so my aging mom moved in with my brother and his family in another state. It seemed like all was going good, but after three months she is returning back to my home state to live with my sister. Apparently there were issues with one of my brother's kids and his wife. My mom has really bad rheumatoid arthritis so is basically chair bound all day and can be very demanding and needy. I chatted with my sister today and she mentioned that we all need to help out. I immediately went on a small rant about the fact that I know I could never live with my mom under the same roof. So if helping out means we take turns having her live with us then I'm not able to do that. I love my mom and she loves me and I want to keep it that way. The problem is I feel guilty feeling that way.
A little back ground on me so people won't think I'm selfish and self centered. I was married almost 22 years. My wife died of bile duct cancer nine years ago. During her seven year battle of two surgeries, chemo, and radiation I took care of her religiously. I even quit working when her illness required I drive her to Seattle every day for her treatments. When she passed I had mental issues for over two years. Horrible anxiety and depression.
Fast forward to this year. My dad was having late stages of heart failure because of a heart attack he had years ago. for the last six months of his life I drove to his home and took him to all his appointments. Worked around his house, took care of mom's needs etc. I'm still caring for their place as mom decides what to do with it all.
So anyway, it's not that I'm a selfish person and don't want my mom living with me because I'm selfish. Geez my 22 year old son still lives with me and I'm still supporting him financially as he goes to college. I just know it would be a really bad idea to live under the same roof and take care of her. I know what I can tolerate, and I know my moms personality. I work in construction all day and to come home beat down and tired only to fulfill all moms needs and wishes she accumulated while I was gone would wear me out. Also, I'm an extremely private person that requires alone time every day to process things and be happy. I also suffer from OCD which would not be a good thing if mom was living here.
I just want to get her into a permanent place of her own where she can have her own space and maybe daily visits from a caregiver and her different kids. I will bend over backward to help my mom and my history of taking care of people proves that. I just can't shake the feeling in my stomach knowing I wouldn't want her to live with me.
Thanks for letting me vent.
You're likely better off to sell her house, size her down, get a good RE agent as suggested here, and find a good assisted living home, hopefully, near more than 1 of you. Find a home that will transition if she has other medical issues later, i.e., dementia, etc. This way she's set in her own home, people to help her 24/7 with medical alert in place, and family to fill in the things she loves and/or needs, plus family visits. Please don't let anyone deduct mom's home, medical care, etc. costs from whatever inheritance may be left you; you'll need it, too.
Talk to an attorney about whether there's any way to afford the assisted living home you choose without going through all her home profits, so you'll have that for her other needs and wants through the years.
You already know the answer to your question. Yes. It is ok. We all know in our heart of hearts what we can and cannot deal with. It sounds like you have already been through the ringer. Don’t feel guilty. That is Satan messing with you. Sounds like you are a hard worker and would be spent by the time you got home and would have to pay someone to take care of your mom during the day anyway. But if she is needy, clingy, and demanding, taking care of her after a hard days work would wear you out mentally and physically sooner rather than later.
No aging parent wants to go to assisted living or a nursing home, but it sounds like you and your siblings need to have a united front and find a place for mom. It is eventually going to be a necessity in the future anyway.
Take advice from a caregiver of over two and one half years, for a needy, clingy, controlling, demanding parent (that I love very much). I am very depressed, have gotten fat and unhealthy, have no life or friends, do not get to enjoy activities outside that I enjoy, feel trapped, and spend my life taking her to the doctor on a regular basis (my only outings), and dream every single day of packing my bags and driving off into the sunset. I am spent and can not see any bright future ahead for myself at this point. I will say that it would have been 100 times better if I had made mom move in with me instead of me giving up my home and moving into her home with her. That’s where my first mistake was, because then it’s HER home, HER things, HER way or the highway. I would have had so much more control over my own life if she had moved in with me. At least I think so. And I lost my job for taking off of work so much to take her to the doctor. I’m an only child. But that is neither here nor there now.
You need to take care of you. You don’t have to be a Martyr like me. You don’t have to be in my situation. You deserve a life too. You and your siblings need to place your mom in a good home where she can be taken care of 24/7 and you don’t have to worry about her.
Im sorry, I didn’t mean to make this post about me but thought it might help you not to feel so guilty about your feelings.
My mom is now in a very nice AL at $4030 a month, 24/7 supervision, meals, laundry, cleaning, private room with bath. And we don’t have the cost of upkeep on a too-large, aging home, her money expenses were more than her income.
I think so many others have told you that it is fine to go with how you feel, that you don't even need my comment. But I will share it anyway.
My sister lives with my Mom and has for a long time, even before my Dad passed away twelve years ago. She is the most giving person I could ever imagine helping Mom. I have a high functioning adult daughter with special needs as well as her Dad, my husband, and there is no way my Mom would even feel comfortable with the thought of coming to live with us. And I have explained to her that I cannot come live with her or even be there more than one night as I must get my sleep to not have my own mental health issues as I must care for my own family. I really don't have diagnosis but just know that is the case. I know what I am saying sounds self-fish to some too, but I need to stay able myself to help my own family.
I am very sad that my younger sister who cares for Mom has had so many issues recently with facial skin cancer. I think the care giving role may be taking a big toll of my sister. Mom didn't like hired help coming in so that is not an option right now. Mom wants to stay in her own home which and rightly so. Mom worked many years to have her own home. Recently my awesome sister had multiple excisions on her face after her biopsy and still cancer cells remain and more surgery would disfigure her face per dermatologist. So they are proposing using some "cream" and no more surgery. Reading up on that "cream", the sample size is so small and the cohort group is 70 years plus. My sister is only 53!! ( I am the older sister!) I am not comfortable with that plan as she is my only sibling. Somehow I feel her having been Mom's caregiver has contributed her health issues and I probably am being selfish saying I cannot do what she does.
I am happy to assist my Mom and have recently for my sister to go to all her appointments. Mom has called me "bossy and controlling" and that I am. I cannot do "butt lifts" off chairs and now with my sister's issues, Mom knows this. And Mom helps get up now! But the minute my sister returns home, she requests the same "butt lift" assists from my sister who should not be lifting right now anyway!
So now I worry I probably will lose my Mom soon, but also my only sibling. But I will tell you that having Mom come live with me will not work. She hasn't come to my house for holidays or birthdays in over three years as she has worried about falling. (Fortunately she has never broken a single bone although she has fallen.) So it is best she stay in her own home. Like I said, I can help her for a decent amount of time. But after nine hours straight it just doesn't work for us. Plus my daughter needs my assistance to continue her courses at the junior college as classes just resumed for fall. My Mom taught her to read years ago and I thank Mom for that as it has let my daughter do things I would never have imagined! But I cannot be in multiple places at the same time. If I could, I would be with my daughter, Mom, and at work all at the same time. But that is not realistic even for someone like me who thinks they can multi-task just fine. In my "middle" age now, I have learned that I cannot.
So I think you are doing the correct thing to go with your instinct on how it feels to you. If it doesn't feel like the right thing to be doing, don't do it! Just explain to everyone involved how you feel. I had to explain here that I must sleep at night to keep myself able to function well for my family, daughter, and job although I am only working part time now. We can only help others when we are well ourselves. I hope this doesn't sound mean and self-fish to others. But it is what it is. Oddly enough, my Mom has become able to assist me in helping her stand up and we have had a pleasant eight hours a couple of times.
God's peace be with you and wishing you all the best.
Tell sister you can help as work permits. There is all kinds of help to make things easier on your sister. You could take mom to dr appts or go sit with her when your sister needs to be away from the home. Perhaps you could go there for several days to help mom if sister leaves town, vacation, etc. Hire housekeeping service for the household, someone to bathe mom about 3 times a week, do mom's hair at the house, etc.
If sister wants everyone to help (and I don't blame her) - then figure out how you can help mom at sister's house. Other siblings can share in the help as well so that sister who has her FT does not burn out so quickly. It will actually be easier on mom if she can settle in one house and let the help go to her.
You are wise to know your limitations--and you sound much more generous and helpful than most people--now accept that knowledge and enjoy the rest of your life. Best wishes.
And continue to vent here. Perhaps get in a support group. Whatever you need to do to gain clarity and feel as okay as you can in a difficult situation requiring very difficult decisions. Know that you are NOT alone
What does the future hold? I don't know. My husband and I have been married for 40 years and raised 5 kids and now have grankids we enjoy. So after struggling with our relationship after taking on this extra burden, we decided we will continue our lifestyle as well as we can but not abandon my mom.
I also have had to have the conversation about financial help with my mom, and have had to be very honest with her about a lot of stuff and listen to her too. After all, she is in my home! We brought her stuff for her room which she can decorate as she wishes, but I won't feel guilty about wanting to continue doing things my way.
The truth is when things get difficult I have to remember what a wonderful mother she was and that I want to return the love she so selflessly gave to me and to our whole family.
I think we each have to decide what's best for our situation. I would never judge you for being straightforward about what you are able or not able to do. I'll be honest, after experiencing what I have, I might not be so quick to tell mom to stay! But what's done is done and God helps us to carry on.
God bless you!
Problems included her mild cognitive issues, physical debilities, lack of space in my home for all her medical equipment, differences in routines and diet. I am neat and tidy, she is a clutterer wanting all her stuff visible. She has the tv on all day watching the news and old cowboy shows, I seldom turn it on. My home is small so there was no where to get away from her or the constant noise.
I was still working and was out of the house all day leaving her to sit alone 8-10 hrs a day. I was becoming her mother dealing with medications, laundry, cooking and cleaning, etc. .
I love my mom and she is sweet and not intentionally demanding but I know I do not have the patience to deal with her issues all day everyday. I have never had children but can imagine that the experience is similar, constantly having to watch over them and be worried.
My siblings are grateful to me that I took over this responsibility and will step in if asked. It was my intention to retire and enjoy a well earned rest that I have been working for for 50 years so I knew if her living with me became permanent I would be angry and resentful toward her.
So we found her a good Assisted Living place between my brother’s home and mine, we both visit weekly and take her on outings. I get to have quality time with her instead of being unhappy on a daily basis. She has made a few friends and is taking part in activities. It’s not perfect but let’s face it, she has had 92 years living on her own terms.
Good luck with finding a solution and don’t feel guilty about not wanting to take on the 24/7 responsibility of an elderly person. Not everyone is cut out to be that person.
You were the primary for Dad’s care. Do not allow anyone to discount that because it was in the past..... or because your monumental effort looked simple and seamless to those with some distance from the nitty-gritty.
And now. You maintain Mom’s home. That is no small feat. (Outsourcing it would drain the family budget.) And the need for that upkeep will continue - whether Mom is in her own home, with a sib or in a care home.
Word to the wise: When it comes time to sell Mom’s home, do not “sell by owner.” Do not offer - or cave to pressure - to save a measly 6% by acting as a sh*thouse real estate agent.
Trust me on this.
Leave the barrage of calls, emails and texts to a professional.
Let the flakes, a**holes and no-shows waste someone else’s time - not yours.
Let someone WHOSE JOB IT IS slog away at the.... Appraisal. Marketing. Showings. Inspections. Municipal testing. Reams of paperwork.
Let someone WHOSE JOB IT IS assess every tire-kicker’s credit-worthiness.
I speak from experience.
I can tell that you - like me - are a pleaser with an overdeveloped sense of accountability.
When emotions are running high, we “pleasers” forget to protect ourselves. We identify with the fantasy of creating a good outcome.
We fail to recognize the price we pay to make things more convenient for others. Until we are frazzled beyond belief. Surrounded by smiling users who “don’t see what the big deal is.”
You are a fantastic son. Choosing to honor yourself does NOT contradict that. (((big hugs)))
I'll add that mom will always want to be involved, but there is a point where decisions have to be made because our elderly parents are too anxious about making quick decisions; they always hesitate to get rid of stuff.
As a professional nurse care Manager in the past, you have to take care of yourself first before you can are for others effectively.
Perhaps a family meeting with your siblings would be beneficial for all. Ask what does your Mom really need to be safe, and have her needs met. Look into what community support is available for her and your siblings, there are a lot of programs out there that are not advertise by non profits or states.
My three siblings and I took on different tasks, like bill paying for one, medication set up for another, etc.
A big need she may have is companionship, so I'm a big fan of Adult "care" Centers. Some are Medical models and some are Socially inclined. Sometimes folks hesitate to get outside help due to cost while sitting on a next egg for that rainy day. Ask yourselves and Mom is this that rainy day.
Blessings.
Speaking from experience, be honest about your feelings and needs. Offer what things you can do to help, maybe moving her, cleaning out the house, Financial assistance, finding a care service, grocery shopping or visits. But only take on what you can. Only you can protect you. And if you run yourself down physically or mentally, then you are NO good for anyone. BTW, get that 22 year old involved in Grandma's care and helping you out. He needs to learn the value of family support. Someday you'll want him to help you, and you need to be a good role model for him. Running yourself down is not a good role model. No one wants to sign up for that if they think that is the only way it works. It's all about balance and boundries! You can do this...you're strong and you've proven that. It's time to take care of you and NOT feel guilty or let others dictate your feelings! Best of luck and Blessings.
And savor your alone time. I totally appreciate your need for privacy and calm.
It's also MUCH better than being unrealistic about it or, worse, fabricating reasons why it can't be done that lay the blame at somebody else's door. Just look around the forum to see how often that happens!
There are plenty of other ways that you can "pull together" with your siblings. Could you stand your mother if you were under your sister's roof for, say, an evening or a weekend every so often? - if so, then you could offer to "mother-sit" while your sister takes a break.
Or, you could offer to research respite care - strictly speaking, the bill for that should go to your mother; but if it would never happen or your mother doesn't have the money, perhaps you could bear some or all of the cost?
Just don't let your sister run away with the idea that you're not interested and not bothered. But recognising that you and your mother and one roof are a seriously bad formula - good for you. No one is to blame for that, and no one can or should try to blame you for that.
Sounds like she'd be best off, as you said, in a permanent place of her own. Assisted living? Or if she needs more care, a SNH. Will your siblings get on board with this idea? I think it would be a win-win. Would you be willing to be in charge of the work of finding a place, etc.? Does anyone have POA or is mom able to make these decisions for herself? Time for a family meeting?
So sorry that your mom is going back home. Does that mean she is living alone? Doesn't sound like a long term plan. Sounds like she needs to much help for that to really be an option.
I'm sure you are wiped out - this is not easy stuff to deal with. Takes a lot out of you.
Living with others is a challenge. My mom lives with me and hubby. She's not terribly needs but it is still hard. I am like you - need quiet and downtime, etc. She would love to chatter all day and I just not wired that way. Anyhow, best of luck and keep us posted!
Apologize to sister but set boundries. Tell her you are willing to do what you can but if taking Mom in, that won't happen. Your job is too physically demanding to come home and have to wait on someone hand and foot. You could spend a weekend so sister can get away.
I do think its time Mom makes a decision on her house. The money she uses for utilities, upkeep and taxes could go for her care. Sell her house. Make sure u get a good price in case Medicaid is needed in the future. Put the money in an interest bearing acct. I could then have a contract written up that Mom pay rent to ur sister. (Will need this for Medicaid) You nor your sister should be out of pocket. Moms SS and any pension should cover her expenses. Like prescriptions, supplimental insurance if on Medicare, special foods, clothing ect. I am big on if they have money, thats spent first before I spend mine.
My MIL was always crying poor to me. But, she could always buy a new purse and shoes. Said she had been wearing the same clothes for 20 yrs. Doubt that, she had lost 30lbs. Joined those CD, DVD and video clubs. Found lots of them never opened. Joined those figurine clubs. When she passed my BIL found she had $48,000 in CDs. He had given her money for a new pump because "she didn't have it". She tried to get it from my husband but he didn't take the bait.
Sell the house and find a nice AL for Mom using the proceeds.