My mother-in-law recently moved to our state after her husband passed away in the early spring. She has extreme anxiety and panics constantly to the point it's becoming a burden. The only time I have seen her relaxed was when we had a small gathering and she had a wine cooler. She was like a different person. She was friendly and easy going. I'm thinking of trying to give her 1/2 to 1 wine cooler daily in the early evening to see if it helps calm her down so she can get a good night sleep but I don't know if that is too much for an 80 year old.
-What medicines she’s taking. Some medicines shouldn’t be mixed with alcohol (even if taken hours apart). You should cut out alcohol completely.
-How skinny she is
-Empty stomach? Alcohol without eating?
-Not drinking enough water?
My mom totally cut out alcohol. Even 1/2 glass was affecting her too much.
Generally, I don’t think your idea is a good idea.
As long as alcohol does not effect her medications, I see no problem in her having a wine cooler. Lots of older people have a glass of wine at night. Seems wine coolers have a lot less alcohol.
Falls are a major cause disability and very often the beginning of the end for older people. Even a half a drink, for anyone, can cause impairment of reflexes and/or cognitive function and can cause a fall.
Speak with a geriatric doctor about this. If they say a little alcohol is fine then do what you want. They may prescribe something that works as good or even better.
I find going for a long walk, like an hour, does wonders for me and I'm always in complete control.
As good as the effects of alcohol are I can't see why many people still do it given all the countless disasters that results. I don't need to say more.
“if she doesn’t have an alcohol habit, why start one now?”
Excellent point.
Kind of like introducing someone to drugs.
Good luck to you
Do you think that perhaps she was a "different person" because she was around other folks at your small gathering and just needed to be around other people?
I'm a firm believer in being able to enjoy whatever you like in moderation, and my only concern would be mixing any alcohol with her medications. But again with such a low alcohol content, I don't even know if you have to worry about that.
Perhaps you just need to have more "small" gatherings at your house instead.
~BC 8/11/23
Keep in mind that even a 1/2 of a wine cooler may increase fall risk.
As long as her doctor says alcohol is fine, I would give it a shot. Maybe not daily though.
Quite frankly, I wouldn't worry about addiction unless she has a history of abusing any substance.
Remember, dependancy and addiction are NOT the same beast.
Best of luck helping her not be an anxious mess.
Yes, dependency and addiction are the same thing. I thought they weren't until I learned from Al-Anon that they are.
Obviously they won't develop alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver or "wet brain" any time soon but a half a wine-cooler can effect their balance and they could fall. The end result of that would be exactly the same as cirrhosis, only much quicker and easily preventable.
"They may prescribe something that works as good or even better."
"—Yeah, with the same or even worse side effects!"
Not necessarily. There are many medications and supplements that are far less dangerous and more controllable. Alcohol by far is one of the worst.
~BC 8/11/23
Who told you that? I've seen intelligent noted people who after about half a drink turn into stupid people. There is a tennis legend, I forget who who has stated that even a single drink can throw off his game so he doesn't drink.
We aren't talking about tennis players or other professional athletes.
Were talking about an 80 year old who probably isn't competing in any athletic games any time soon. She's probably not training for the next Olympics either.
I've took care of old people for 25 years. I think I have a better insight into the behaviors of this group than you do.
Half a wine cooler is nothing. It may have placebo effect though.
Do you know what that is?
Placebo effect is when a person believes they're being given something that will help their condition. So they think it does.
I totally understand about the constant panicking and anxiety getting to be a burden. A heavy burden indeed.
The reason for your MIL being chill at the social gathering was not because of the wine cooler you gave her.
She was probably "showtiming" and putting on her best manners for "company".
Would I be correct in assuming that her anxiety, extreme panic, and hysterics is only for you and your husband?
I had years of this from my mother. The anxiety, panicking, and hysterics were just for me.
If such is the case with your MIL and the extreme anxiety an panicking never comes out when there's company or a social activity going on, ignore it. Treat it as the attention-seeking performance that it is and totally ignore her.
In fact, you can do a little experiement. The next time she's getting all worked up with the hysterics and panicking, give her a Tylenol. Tell her it's medication from her doctor to help her calm down.
Then see what happens. If she does calm down, tell her what you did. Then explain that you will not tolerate her hysterical, panicking behavior in your home anymore.
That if she cannot or will not control herself, you will put her into a managed care facility.
If she really has no control (I think she does if she can turn it off for company though), then you and your husband should explore facility placement for her.
Grandpa took his grandson to the fishing pond in our 55+ community. Grandpa drove the golf cart there and sat on a bench to watch 5 or 6-year-old grandson, who began misbehaving by running around the pond, trampling on fishing poles and making noise. Grandpa drank out of a Solo cup and was oblivious, so when his chin hit his chest, one fisherman picked up his gear and walked over to talk to grandpa. Grandpa was asleep. Kid was running amok. Grandpa woke up and looked at the fisherman, said to keep an eye on his grandson, and went back to sleep. Fisherman woke gramps up again and told him to watch his own grandson. Fisherman went to his car and before he left the parking lot, grandpa sailed past in his golf cart, driving on city streets.
Another guy liked going to the pub in his golf cart, usually left smashed, and one night pulled into someone else's open garage, where he slept until late morning without being noticed. In the meantime his wife alerted neighbors and volunteers, who searched the woods and golf courses for him. He was a few miles away from home when someone found him walking and looking for his house.
One guy likes to stash little cardboard boxes of wine from Walmart under his car seat and drive around town sipping from them. He doesn't want his wife to know that he drinks and drives. She found out.
My mother loved to go to the Jewish services on Friday night at her independent living because they served wine and cheese. She wasn't supposed to drink alcohol because of her medications. She wasn't very coherent sometimes afterward. Mom wasn't Jewish.
In a former neighborhood, an elderly couple would drink "just a little" before going out for an evening stroll. They'd get lost and couldn't find their way home. The general consensus was that they were drinking what they used to drink for a nightcap, but it had much more effect on their bodies than it used to and they didn't realize it.
As I said in my earlier response to this OP, anything in moderation and that is ok to mix with the medications you're on, should be fine.
And I am a person saying this who had a father who later in life became an addict, along with my older brother. Also my first husband is a recovering alcoholic as is my son.
Do I however enjoy an occasional drink? You bet your sweet bippy I do.
So just because you have stories of older folks that didn't handle their alcohol very well, doesn't mean that the rest of us can't enjoy an occasional drink.
Let's not blow this post out of proportion.
Seriously though, I feel that it depends on the particular individual. You could speak with your MIL’s doctor to see how he/she feel about her drinking a small amount of alcohol.
Does she have any issues with addiction in her history? If she does, nix the drinking idea.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Yeah, we certainly aren’t ‘anywhere USA! ‘We are unique!
My daughter’s insurance was cheaper when she moved out of state! The agent made a comment about insurance being higher in New Orleans due to our ‘drive through’ Daiquiri shops!
Speaking of weddings, my friend’s daughter is a wedding planner. She only does very expensive, upscale weddings. She has a great reputation and makes a great living!
how about giving her a virgin cocktail and see what happens. Like a placebo effect. Don’t tell her it has no alcohol. Or dilute the wine cooler quiet a bit with sparking water and a slice of orange. Just an idea.
We have seen a few posts saying that they enjoy a glass of wine in the evenings to relax.
That's chronic. There's also the acute that can happen without warning and change lives in an instant. "unforgiving" accidents of all kinds, some bizarre, can happen under the influence of even small amounts of alcohol. This is true.
She's obsessed with "making the world a better place" by fear-mongering about alcohol. "even small amounts of alcohol."
"Stop drinking only water and use a little wine because of your stomach and frequent illnesses." 1 Timothy 5:23
So there you have it straight out of God's Word.
God also says (Bible):
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife”
Clearly, you should NOT always take every word literally.
I believe in the equality of men and women. I’m a male feminist.
Likewise with the quote about wine, don’t take every word literally.
Alcohol, even in very small amounts, can potentially affect an elderly person a lot. I myself wouldn’t give an elderly person alcohol, just to be safe. There are lots of alternative beverages.
David
I'm not a "temperance" crusader or anything like that. I'm just trying to make the world know what the truth is so the world can become the better place it can be. You don't need to pledge or anything like that. Just stop drinking alcohol forever.
I as the caregiver usually have two 😁
My sweet mother in law was the only child of this grouchy woman and she endured years of torment. Her father was a sweet, gentle man and didn’t stand up to his wife very often. His wife wasn’t very kind to him.
My husband’s grandfather and my MIL couldn’t convince her to take meds for her anxiety and irrational behavior, and his doctor told him to take a daily drink to calm his nerves! LOL 😆 My MIL didn’t drink but I bet there were times when she felt like it!
I remember a poster who brought wine to his mom’s assisted living/memory care facility and the staff asked him not to do that. In this case, he should have listened to the advice from the staff.
It’s really should be evaluated on an individual basis.
That's not good enough for some people.
Sounds very tough for you OP. I hope your husband is doing his share in helping. He should be doing most, if not all of the caring, not you.
In fact, if he would be doing all of it, you wouldn’t have to deal with any of MIL’s anxiety.
I took care of my mother. I didn’t want my wife to have to do any of it.
This whole thread might be less about alcohol, and more about the fact that you’re getting burned out.
I think that alcohol used as a crutch is a bit dangerous in all truth. I would have your MIL discuss her anxiety with a doctor, but cannot imagine a doctor who wouldn't allow a drink a day, myself, if there is no danger with balance or other medical issues.
The problem to my mind is the use of alcohol as a CRUTCH if you get my thinking. Many people who drink to excess will admit that they drank to be more socially "comfortable" with people, and it slowly kind of crept up on them.
Age for me here isn't the issue. The issue is anxiety and it not being correctly addressed by the best expert help. It is one of the most unaddressed problems in health of elders according to AARP. Let MIL/encourage MIL to speak with a good doc.