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My father died just 10 days ago from cirrhosis. He had hepatic encephalopathy and all of his organs failed quickly. For 3 months, from when he first went into the hospital I took over his bill paying and also the mess of dealing with my grandmother’s care. My father was her POA and the only one. He stopped paying any of his bills or hers when he went into the hospital in early January. It was extremely stressful to deal with his mistrustful brother and to try to figure out a solution to that problem. I regret that it took up a lot of the little time we had left. I live in another state, am an only child. My parents are divorced and my dad lived alone. He never went home after being hospitalized in early January. I keep replaying how I might have done things differently. I wish he could have regained some strength, enough to go home. But, he got weak and ended up not being able to walk. The lactulose made him live in adult diapers-he couldn’t toilet or bathe himself. Covid restrictions meant I only got to see him once in person in March. When I got the call that he was failing I left immediately and spent 3 days with him while he slipped away. It was terrible. I can’t talk about it with people in my life but I also can’t not talk about it. It’s eating me up.
I’ve busied myself with having to settle his affairs; I carried out his wishes to be cremated, I have to clear his house and sell it, sell his truck. But I’m left with this terrible burden of grief. He destroyed himself-why?? Going through his papers I found a letter I wrote him 15 yrs ago begging him to stop drinking. I offered to help him find a rehab place. It didn’t help. I’m so sad. I’m sleeping too much, no desire to work. I don’t know what to do.

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I’m sorry for your loss, both of your father and the relationship you so desired. It’s difficult when we long for what could have been and yet wasn’t. My dad died last summer, I’ve been through cleaning out his home, selling it and his car, and settling all the financial matters. I stayed with him through his final weeks and was with him at the end. It was indescribably hard, yet I also feel honored to have been with him. I hope you’ll attend a GriefShare group, excellent for healing, and be patient with yourself. Know that your dad's choices weren’t your fault and that you did your best for him. He was blessed to have you
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I am sorry for your loss.

Grief is a huge emotion, people say it comes over like waves. Some find grief counseling helpful. There may be online options available. Sometimes reaching out to an impartial stranger can help... a professional councillor may understand better than friends.

It was his life. He played the cards he was delt in life his way. His game has ended now. You are allowed to be sad.
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I am very sorry for your loss.

Your dad sounds an awful lot like my oldest brother. He died from liver failure too.

I desperately tried to get my brother to do rehab. A person has to want it for themselves. Addiction is a disease and it’s a tough battle.

Some make it and some don’t. When my brother was sober he was a great guy.

Your dad knew that you loved him. I want you to remember that because that is what your dad would want for you.

Your dad and my brother are at peace now. I know in my heart that they would want us to be at peace as well.

Yes, we reflect and that’s fine. Just don’t get stuck there. Take time to grieve but also take comfort in knowing that his battle is over.

Take care. If you need someone to talk to that has suffered through a family member with addiction, I am here. You are welcome to private message me.
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The worst grief is that in which you have not been able to settle out the occurences of a lifetime. And you were not able to do this because of your Dad's addiction. Clearly your loving letter to him was one that he kept. There is nothing that can be done about the past save but to learn from it and to move forward to the future. Give yourself the time to feel the grief. There are mourning support groups in many places and there is counseling to go to should you need it. Mostly it is time that is the healer in losses such as this. I am so thankful your Dad had you at the end of all this. And so sorry for your loss. I wish you the best.
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I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all this. It's a lot. Your father made his choices, and sadly he suffered the consequences of those choices. No one can help an addict, if they themselves don't want the help. There's nothing more you could have done. Addiction is a horrible disease, that affects not just the one abusing. I hope and pray that when all the of the business end of your fathers death is taken care of that you will seek out a good counselor that will help you walk through your grief process in a healthy way, so you can come out on the other side a stronger and better person. And the best way to honor him, would be to learn from his mistakes and make sure that you never repeat them in your own life. I wish you peace for your journey. God bless you.
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