I'm 77 and have been legally separated from my husband for two years. Is it wrong to move forward with the divorce?

I guess that is only a question you have to answer, why do you feel guilty? if you left for other reasons then why feel guilty? You can still support him IF you feel like you should, but it doesn't mean you can't get divorced. I had a friend who gave her husband ample time to get things straight for his own insurance, etc (he was diabetic and in bad shape), but she finally filed for divorce but left him live with her for his remaining time. she went out with friends, etc. You should speak with him and (if you are both on good terms of being separated) let him know of your intentions. wishing you luck.

I’ll give you a slightly different slant on this. It may not be relevant because DH1 and I had been separated for 35 years, I’d remarried DH2, and DH1 had had more relationships. When he was diagnosed with virulent liver cancer, we had the best relationship we had had for years. I visited him many times. He was talking about old memories, offering me things that he had taken when we split up, just being nice. DH2 helped by lending him things we kept from MIL2’s last illness. He died less than 6 months later, and our final good relationship helped our two daughters to use my support for selling his house, getting me to deal with assets etc.

Perhaps you could check his life expectancy, because it’s different if it’s quick. If it is, marking time for just a few months might heal old wounds – it did for me.

Imho, a divorce may be very hard on him as well as you, if you continue to have guilt. I understand why you would have guilt, but I don't know the ramifications of why you want a divorce. Seek a counselor perhaps.

He has serious problems and you are no spring chicken. You have put up with a lot and you have every right in the world to live YOUR life to the fullest while you still can. Nothing is going to change what is but you are getting older. Keep in touch with him but move on with your life and live it to the fullest. I'd be the first one to join you if I were in your shoes. The fact that you are thinking of the divorce tells me it is not the happiest and best of marriages. Get going, girl.

If he died before the divorce is finalized, would you feel like you wasted money on legal fees? Depending on the state, it could happen quickly because you have been separated for two years or it could take a year or more for the legal process. Because of Covid-19, the court calendar is backed up in the counties that I live and work in. Because Covid-19 forced a lot of couples into lots of together time, there have been a lot of couples seeking divorce.

Hi, I agree with my2cents, unless you have met someone new and want to rewed, then the divorce is not imminent.
I also feel for your ex husband, going through chemo and worrying about his health, to receive divorce papers would be so hard.
If you can leave it for now, then those papers really don't make that much difference.

I would consult with a certified elder law attorney. It may in fact be beneficial financially to you both financially speaking to do this...I don't know...but some objective outside advice may be helpful!

Unless you have found someone and plan to remarry, you have already (pretty much) moved on with your life and there's no reason you can't enjoy it....divorced or not.

If you are not in the the middle of a new relationship with a marriage planned, why divorce at this point in his life - or your life? Since he never completed the divorce either, perhaps he mourned the split. Why complicate his life now? Why make things more difficult for the family to settle an estate that you could be involved in?

At 77, if you have reasons to finish this divorce at this time, I would suggest talking to an atty to find out the pros and cons of doing this. How could it impact your social security or other marital assets, etc. And if you remarried, how would your share of the assets be considered with the new husband. It may turn out that remaining single or no co-mingling of assets with new husband (maybe prenup) is the way to go.

Assuming you've only been living the life of a single person for the two years you've been separated. Be very, very careful about finances and a new partner. There are way too many people out there looking to live off of someone else and may appear to be something/someone they are not. Legal advice first.

Love your life! Get the divorce!

If you will not be hounded for his medical bills, don't bother.

However, check the laws in the state you live in. My mom was legally separated from my dad when she moved down to Florida to be near us. Florida does not recognize legal separation - at all. She was considered married in the eyes of the courts in Florida. My dad has always had legal problems and money problems. After me hounding her for 2-3 years of her 25 year separation, she finally got divorced. Partly because she didn't want his creditors to hound her if they found her, partly because she doesn't want to lose her condo to pay for his debts, and partly because he could claim 30% of her estate and make life hell for my sisters and I if she passed first. If you face a similar situation, get the cheapest "no fault" divorce you can.

It doesn't sound like he has a lot of time left.  Why not let it play out?  Are you afraid of being responsible for his medical bills and closing his financial dealings once he passes? 

Other posters were saying that your husband might want the divorce as well...I disagree.  He is dying...I don't think divorcing you is even on his radar at the moment.

Sounds like you have already moved on and are enjoying your life.  What is this piece of paper going to change?  Are you looking to remarry?

What if...and this is a big leap, but still sometimes we cannot know what life holds or how we are tied together, but what if your final, courageous step forward into your own life and away from your life with him, by cutting that last tie, allowed him to heal? If not physically, perhaps spiritually? He may need you to do it. He may not have the fortitude right now to see it, but you do. You, as you say, have your health. Your choice to act on your own behalf will have a ripple effect on everyone in your life, including him. It may help him on his journey.

And that is a gift you give him as well as yourself.

Just a different perspective.

You don’t have a marriage.
Pray about it and finish it off.
Your heart knows what’s right.

Depends. Is this going to be a complicated settlement? Would he have to leave his home? Not sure he would have the mental and physical fortitude at this point to start over. I understand what you are feeling as my situation is similar. I can't, though, in good conscience leave him to fight this battle alone. Does he have good help? This involves legality and soul searching.

WOW! Just because you are separated that does not mean that you don't care for him as a fellow human being OR were things that bad in the marriage? I can see going on with the divorce. But, not knowing the dynamics of everything it is hard to say if you could still be supportive of the health concerns. If you have children together, if you still have relationships with other members of the family etc.
I am sorry that you have so much on your plate at once, but maybe you could still retain you dignity by going ahead with the divorce and showing some concerns for the health situation at the same time. Things may have deteriorated beyond that. It is difficult without to give a blanket answer without knowing more.

I have no idea how the rules around pensions and beneficiaries work in the US, but as he is dying, I would talk to an attorney.

It may seem predatory, but you need to know if your financial situation at his death could change depending on whether you are married by separated or divorced.

Now if you have a new fellow and hope to marry him, that changes things.

What difference would it make to your husband, you left him two years ago, all that remains is a piece of paper. Unless you want to go back to him to care for him during his cancer treatment, or are wondering what you might lose out financially if he passes and you are divorced not just separated I personally cannot see that you have a question to ask.

Boots,

I posted earlier but let me add this.

You were probably living together separately before you moved out. I know a few couples like that. They are no longer romantically involved with each other. They remain friends at best.

I know some like you that are living apart and from time to time continue to share events with their children, very harmoniously too!

Finally, I know some that threatened their ex husband that if he brought his second wife, she wouldn’t attend their daughter’s wedding! How awful!!!

Just be at peace. No man or anyone else is worth loosing your sanity over.

Speak to a therapist. I promise you that they will help you sort through your emotions.

You are not responsible for him, or anyone other than yourself if that matters.
You say you feel "guilty". Who is making you feel that way? Yourself or others?
Guilt is an "emotion" that we put upon ourselves. We can have regrets. But I do not think guilt should be added to all the rest of the emotional turmoil we carry.
I just looked it up.
Guilt: It is an emotional experience that occurs when a person believes accurately or not that they have compromised their own standards of conduct or have violated universal moral standards and bear significant responsibility for that violation.
That is quite a load to bear.
For you to have separated at 75 years of age there had to have been a good reason. Most people at 75 would "suck it up" and continue to live with the person they are married to and live as if they were single.
Live the life you want to live.
File for the divorce that you wanted.
There is a quote that I like. "life is what happens when you are making plans."
You are not responsible for his cancer, you are not responsible for his care or his treatment.

I strongly recommend you talk with him that you want to divorce. You may be surprised that he may want this finalized too. If he refuses to agree, then you can let him know you'll proceed or perhaps you two may come to an agreement (whatever that agreement is).

Take a deep breath and make that call (or email if that's safer since we don't know your circumstances). It may make you free.

Best wishes, Boots.

Certainly you should move forward. Since you’re legally separated, it finalizes what’s already a fact. Clearly you have no intent of getting back together, and the two years of legal separation should make that clear to others.

What difference will the divorce make to you? I only ask because I'm not clear how being still married to this man stops you from living your life and enjoying what you have left (unless of course you are planning to marry someone else).

And unless the "residual" marriage, so to speak, actually creates a material obstacle or perhaps a sense of obligation to be involved in his care, I'd have thought it might be more peaceful and gentle for you and him just to wait... until... you know. Shouldn't be very long.

Do you and he have any children in common, if you don't mind my asking?

I hope you do this. Staying in a marriage you don’t want to be in exacts a toll on you. I divorced my husband a few years ago. My only regret is not doing it years before.

Good luck to you!

Wish him well and get a divorce.

You do not have a relationship with him. You have already moved on. You are married in name only.

You don’t need anyone’s permission to legally divorce him in order to achieve complete closure.

Has he reached out to you asking for support?

It is terribly sad that he or anyone else receives a cancer diagnosis.

My husband recently received a cancer diagnosis, so I know how it feels to have a spouse face this challenge.

I have been with him throughout my marriage, so of course I support him.

I can’t say that I would wish to support him if we were living separate lives.

That would go against my character. If I close a door, it’s closed. I don’t go in and out of it.

I would wish him well though. Everyone deserves that as a fellow human being, right?

It is not your fault that he has cancer. It’s no one’s fault.

Live your life. Allow him to live his remaining days without confusion or false hope.

Isn’t he used to being away from you? It’s been years since you shared a life together.

I doubt that he is depending on you to be there for him.

Give this a bit more thought. Look at it as objectively as you can.

Consider speaking to a therapist if you need a clearer perspective on this situation.

You don’t have a need or desire to be with him, so why torture yourself?

If you are only concerned about supporting him out of a sense of ‘obligation,’ what good is it? Your heart isn’t in it.

Would you want that for yourself if you were in his shoes?

I would not want anyone doing anything for me it they resented it.

You had a marriage at one time. It is none of my business if it was good or bad.

You need to give yourself permission to go forward and be at peace.

Take care. Live your life for you.

If it wasn't 'wrong' to separate from him & move to another state 2 years ago, it isn't 'wrong' to divorce him now, regardless of what health conditions he presently suffers from.

Stop worrying about appearances or what others may or may not say, and continue moving on with YOUR life.

Best of luck to you and to your future ex.

Just do it. My brother has been separated for almost nine years and hasn't pushed to finalize the divorce because my SIL is caring for her parents. I've watched him waste almost a decade of his life being nice to his daughter's mother who hasn't been nice to him in 20 years. Now he's 63 and wants to start dating, but he's still trying not to look like the bad guy to his daughter.

Don't be my brother.

Hi Boots1944,
I write from the patients point of view. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ almost 5 yrs ago now. I have had the discussion with my DW telling her when its time to put me in LTC to go ahead go out and make a new life for yourself. My DW is 8 yrs younger than me. I've told my adult children not to give Mom a problem if she wants to date, remarry whatever. I want her to continue to enjoy life as we have for just shy of 27yrs dating and married, she has a lot to offer. I told her I do anything she wanted to let her go on with her life. DW appreciates that and says, she'll do whatever is in both of our best interests. I am declining and seem to be having more confusion, able to do fewer things to help around the house. I've given up my share of the house, cars, bank accounts and they are now all titled in the name of her Trust. When I pass on, she'll have no worries about losing our home, money and other property. I am very happy that there isn't going to be a big load to worry about.
My conclusion is do what is in your best interest. Looks to me like you've taken all the action with the exception of filing the Divorce. Don't worry about what others say, when the rubber meets the road, sometimes we have to make decisions in our own best interest. My case, I think we've worked things out for the best of both of us. Maybe some other readers will see this and discuss what is best in their own interest and put a plan together and make it happen.
I hope and wish for the best in your future. I don't think you've been selfish at all.

You don't have a relationship with him, nor live with him, nor are you a support during this cancer; I cannot see any reason why you should not consider your relationship over, and go ahead with your divorce. Cancer strikes us all, even ex husbands and wives.
Go ahead with the divorce. Write him a nice note that you are doing so and wish him good luck with fighting his illness.

Life is too short, as you are discovering with the illness of your estranged husband, so please do whatever you need to do to move forward in your life. If that means divorcing him, then so be it. Wishing you the best.

Seems like you have gotten on with your life by moving to another State. IMO, the marriage was over when u walked out the door. Just need to make it legal and I would. Get the papers drawn up and sent to him. I doubt if you would go back and care for him, right.