Wife doesn't want to be in a nursing home. I visit with her for 6 hours a day. No one else visits her. She is unhappy and blaming me for that she is "in prison." I want to visit her as much as possible, but when she gets upset with the nursing home and me, I am a nervous wreck!
[As for me, I have to still work so I can't be there all day with him as he would like. I was out of town for 10 days in July and came back to find he'd make a lot of new friends! Yay! Now I visit most days for an hour or two, sometimes longer, but I take a day or two off a week and it really is good for my mental health.]
Fewer visits and shorter visits also let's the patient adjust to the facility, build trust and relationships with the staff, which is greatly needed.
Her behaviors and resistance to being in NH is not unusual; it is actually quite common. And when you are there she is using you as her pounding board to provoke guilt, try to gain control etc. have her referred to a counselor in the facility, sometime this is a licensed social worker and/ or chaplain or a Geriatric Specialist who can help her with her anxiety, grief etc
Get yourself a trusted coun, perhaps a pastor if you practice a faith or other counselor who will help you process this change in life which can surely be monumental. See your PCP, ask for their referral for your counseling and emotional, spiritual support, before it all causes you physical decline.
And, if your wife is cognitively appropriate, you can share with her ahead of time these changes ( which she will also fight most likely) and let her know that when you do visit, if she starts blaming, arguing, guilt tripping, that you will have to leave as this is unhealthy for both of you.
OP try to redirect her anger toward this purpose.
She might have met her match with 3 aides. The one young female meets her word for word, the male is not too gentle putting her to in bed; now tonight, the sweet funny mature lady, put her in her place 😆.
As a side note, passed by the shower room, a female resident in a wheelchair had the door open, and b''''ed about passing by the room, (she is definitely not hot, so little worry on a male resident would be interested) so she did what she should have done all along, CLOSED THE DOOR.
To the OP, instead of your wife complaining to you, try to make the best of the situation and have some "fun".
a difficult female patient in a NH? That this is an accepted practice for "getting back at" a difficult patient who is not adjusting well?
Christmas episodes of both shows brought the laughs 😆
Luckily for me, his drs were adamant that I not spend more than about 8 hrs a day at the hospital--and to take 24hr breaks and not see him at all. (I'd always call him--no matter what..so it's not like I left him alone completely!)
I'd dutifully be at the hospital at 8 am or earlier, only to spend the entire day watching him sleep. Then in the evening, I'd pack up my sewing or knitting and he'd suddenly come to life and beg me to stay overnight. The Drs MADE me go home. What use would I be if I were so sleep deprived I couldn't see straight?
And my being at the hospital was useless--he'd have PT, then he'd go back to sleep. He had to be wakened for meals. It was crazy.
I reached out to friends, family and members of our church community and scheduled out visit times. That helped a lot. I could take a 4 hr shift, go home and take care of the house, or even nap--and know he wasn't alone.
Yes, he was angry and he would tell anyone who came to visit that I basically had left him alone to fend for himself. To his way of thinking, I did nothing for him. I remember one morning, coming in at 7:30 am and he was still asleep, so I set up my 'corner' of the room and started in on knitting. He didn't wake until noon when a nurse came in. He said to the nurse, "See, I TOLD you my wife wouldn't be here 'on time'. The nurse looked at him and said "Your wife is right behind you and has been there for more than 4 hours. You make her come up here sit to watch you sleep?" Dh was furious, but he had only himself to blame.
He was a much better patient when I was NOT there--your wife will adapt better if you are not there all the time.
Your life, as it was, is now over and is changing a great deal. Be gentle with yourself and practice self care. I didn't do a very good job at that and paid the price.
It is sad to lose a LO, piece by piece, but know you are not alone in this. Most of us on this forum are dealing with this in some measure. It's not easy or fun.
I hope you can reach out to friends and family and get out and do things independently.
One of the boisterous residents is on her tear again. She's upset about getting into her room and about her blanket.
She yelled at the nurse or aide ( not sure). "Give her back her blanket you dumb b'''h". This coupled with the other female resident not wanting to go to bed at midnight last night. Today is her shower day which she has refused before, so it's been a few days since her last shower. Just another day at the SNF 🙂
You are a nervous wreck cause maybe somewhere in your mind you believe you are responsible. But you are not. You could stay there 24 hrs. a day and she would still not be happy. Shorten your visits and live your life.
Just out of curiosity why are you her only visitor. Did she not nurture other relationships in her life? If she didn't that's not your fault either. Be kinder to yourself.
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Your feelings certainly are understandable.
My heart goes out to you.
Your wife will never be happy so you need to consider how to 'reset' your feelings and responses. I suggest:
1. While you may not want to, I would suggest that you 'pull back' from visiting 6 hours a day. This will continue to affect your mental/ psychological/ emotional/ and physical health and well being - thereby limiting you more in being available to support / visit.
2. You need to put your health first: get enough sleep, eat a heatlhy diet, meditate (or spent a few minutes sitting quietly) - clearing your mind of everything.
- Google Rick Hanson. He is a neuro-psychological and has lots of easy-to-include behaviors to re-center, feel relaxed and accepting what is, including your abilities / limitations (you cannot do it all). Plus he offers meditation on-line, which I participate in Wed nights).
I certainly empathize / understand the 'no one else visits' as that adds to your stress and perhaps guilt. I went through this. It is extremely unpleasant and extremely exhausting.
What I did_____________
I reaced out to a volunteer organization (LITA) to obtain visitors.
I'd recommend that you also contact your local church, and college: Contact the dept heads (counseling, nursing, geriatrics) of these depts.
Sometimes, students can get credit for visiting. Your wife may not want visitors although insist. They can just 'sit there' quietly if she doesn't initially want to interact.
Find ways for you to relax / renew.
You are in a high level stressful situation to manage (I don't need to tell you that though).
I presume you are 85 by your name. You need to find some moments of JOY for yourself, even if a few moments a day.
Exercise______________
Can you do some exercise: walking, swimming, hiking? Get the energy out somehow. Or if you do already, do a little more.
Fun__________________
Socialize with friends, neighbors and/or make new friends.
Facility support________
Talk to the social worker or administrator. See what or how they could support you to support your wife. These issues/concerns/behaviors are not new to them-utilize whatever resources they have available.
Spiritual support_______
Pray, meditate, go to church or whatever might support your well-being. For me, it is in nature. Although I joined Rick's Wed night meditation Zoom meetings which are very helpful)
Lastly, you need to learn to 'let go' of her blaming you for being 'in prison.'
Be patient with yourself. This is retraining / reframing your automatic behavior / thinking respond.
She will not change as she cannot, cognitively. Plus, she is scared and needs someone she feels safe with to blame. That is you. So you need to 'hear it through her lens (brain).
When she starts in and you hear these words:
Reframe them in your mind: She is frightened and scared (shifts you to a place of compassion (which you may already have/do) and respond accordingly:
"I understand that you are upset and do not want to be here. I don't want you to be here either." Then stop.
Do not go into more as she will want to argue and make you (more).
She will not understand the 'reasons' why she DOES need to be in a NH.
Going down that road will only deplete you/r energy and increase your frustration.
Perhaps try short (or long) terms therapy for yourself.
You need an advocate and a professional might be very helpful.
I send you a supportive hug.
Gena / Touch Matters
But, having said that, I arrived late one day and found that he had used the wheelchair to leave his room (he wasn't allowed to use the walker without someone with him) and was in the common room with other residents (long term folks). When I came off the elevator, they saw me first and called across the room Where have you been? You're late! It was funny, but more importantly, my arriving later than usual gave him a chance to venture out without me and meet some others. They seemed to genuinely be glad to have him among them and knew which room he was in so could have helped him get back if staff were busy. After that, I did start going in later in the morning. And I sat and talked with them which they loved as many had no visitors.
She will adjust, and it might even hurt a bit; I know I felt a twinge when he was OK without me there. I still wouldn't leave him in that particular facility alone too much. I knew things before he went there and saw and heard more while he was there. Because it was short term rehab for him - they do have long term nursing care - we left him there, I attended PT sessions (they were great!) and conversed with staff continuously (getting meds in a timely way was another story). There are wonderful facilities around and should he ever have to go into MC, I would make arrangements with one of them.
But know that she will adjust, staff and other residents will work on it.
Your wife is exactly where she needs to be. Congratulate yourself for being a responsible husband. You were wise to find a suitable nursing home for your wife.
Know that you are not responsible for her being sad about being placed in a nursing home.
Speak with the staff to see if they can help you in any way to make her as comfortable as possible.
Join an in person caregiver group if possible. I did this and it really helps to communicate with others who have similar experiences.
Continue to be a member of this forum. There are many posters here who are happy to share their experiences with you.
And do you really want these to be your memories of your wife?
Start cutting back on the number of hours you visit and how frequently. Do it for both your sakes. Find something else to do with your time that will help *you* adjust to your new normal.
Why is the life of our loved one more important than our own? Where did we come up with such a notion? Why are you sitting with your wife for 6 hours a DAY listening to nothing but complaints and accusations, at your own expense?
You did not place her in the nursing home to continue dealing with THIS level of stress, my friend. She's being cared for right where she's at w/o your help or presence for 6 hours per day. I suggest you cut back your visits a little at a time, say by 1 hour each over a 2 week period, so you're eventually visiting for 1 hour a pop. Then cut the days back to every other day, making sure to get in plenty of R & R for yourself on you days off. Elders with dementia fare poorly ANYWAY with long visits, they cannot handle it.
I visited my mother 1x per week for an hour. If she started carrying on, I'd leave and I'd tell her why, too. Because I am not putting up with your foul words mom. I'll come back when you're in a BETTER MOOD.
Your life matters too. All this stress is very bad for you. What if you were to die, God forbid? Then who would visit your wife? Make a concerted effort to take your own health into consideration here, ok?
I go mostly to check how things are going, how the staff is treating them and if there’s anything they need or would like me to bring. It’s not really to provide company.
my mother complains incessantly about being there also. She also feels she is in prison. I’m hoping it will get better for her in time. Unfortunately she does not have dementia. I actually wish she did, it would be easier for her to adjust.
Stop making them so frequent and so long.
She sees you as a means of escape.
This is stopping her adjustment.
As for a visit with the admins about your wife. Ask them to evaluate how she is without you there versus how she is with you there.
If she is ALWAYS agitated then it is time for some doc visits and medication.
If she is better without you there then, much as this will hurt you, time to withdraw some of the visits that may be exacerbating her condition.
So very sorry for all you are BOTH going through.
Is she on any meds for depression or anxiety? If not, please discuss with her primary doc.
Dementia robs people of their reason, logic and empathy so she can't work out that she needs to be where she is, and she is not able to care what her complaining is doing to you emotionally. Therefore, you need to step back to protect and preserve yourself. You have lots of company on this forum who have "been there and done that"!
Sadly with your wife having dementia, she will get only worse not better, and she's right where she needs to be receiving the 24/7 care she requires, and safe. I hope in some small way that brings you some peace of mind, knowing that your wife is safe and taken care of.
Why don't you try just going every other day for a while and maybe for just 3 hours/day instead of 6, and see if that doesn't help you both?
That will allow you time for yourself to do some of the things that you enjoy, and help rejuvenate your soul so you can continue on this journey with your wife, and it will allow your wife to become more dependent on others at her facility as well.
You're doing a great job, so don't waste time beating yourself up over the situation. You didn't cause it, and you're doing the very best you can. That is all any of us can do.
God bless you.
One thing I might suggest is cutting back on your visits so that your wife can acclimate herself to her new home. There are other people there that she can talk to.
There is an adjustment time for both of you. You need time away from her so that you can get your new life in order as well.
Her brain is broken, this is not your fault, she will continue to get worse.
Sending support your way, keep posting it will help.
But there are times, as you have previously realized, when full time care is necessary, and you are currently encountering the fallout of doing something difficult and distressing but essential for someone who is UNABLE to think and make decisions rationally and realistically because of a terrible disease which is progressively causing her to rely on the care of others.
You have found the best placement you could.p, and now it’s time to let her become adjusted to her caregivers.
“6 hours a day” may be much too much time to spend with her, especially if she is still able to blame you for her placement. Adjustment to change for a person with dementia may take months, not days or weeks, and your presence for extended periods of time may be making the process harder for her rather than easier.
You are caring for TWO, your wife and yourself, and as you see her adjust, you WILL be able to relax and trust her placement. Be SURE that you are treating yourself well. She WILL get “upset”, but the staff in her residence will know how to keep her as comfortable and peaceful as possible, and will NOT judge you negatively for your decision to place her.
She needs to adjust to the “rhythm” of her care and her caregivers. She is used to her previous routine, and needs to recognize new faces and surroundings as familiar.
I’ve been the “go-to” relative for aging family members for 50 years, and
I won’t lie to you, placing a Loved One is never easy, but as you see her respond to her new routine, she WILL adjust, and so will you.
The next time you go to her residence, ask the social worker or head of nursing or floor supervisor how often you should visit and how long your visits should be, and do what they recommend.
Again- BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. And be at peace with your care plan for her. You’ve made the best choice you could to provide a new life of comfort and safety for her when you were confronted with a situation that had no “happy” choices.
Your profile says that your wife has dementia. Having a "broken brain" makes it very difficult for someone to see the reasons for the way things are.
Does she have a geriatric psychiatrist who can consult of medication for depression and agitation/anxiety?
Do YOU have support? Do you have a social worker or counselor who can guide you and help you adjust to this new normal?
Have you considered visiting less often, which may give your wife a better chance to adjust?
Please come back and let us know how you're doing.