Hi! First post and will be a doozy. (TLDR at bottom).
My 78 yo mom is currently living in a hotel because she accidentally set fire to her house. While she was still at home, over the past 3 years, my husband (and our 2 adult kids) would cook meals and deliver every day; pay her bills and manage her finances; clean her yard; and until 3 years ago, clean her home.
Three years ago, my father died. After he passed, my mom stopped allowing us entry in to her home. Things got bad. Really bad. We could see (and smell) from the doorway she was no longer picking up trash. She had her two dogs (which we confiscated a year ago) go to the bathroom inside her home and would not clean it up.
Worse still, she developed incontinence issues (both types) and would either not wear the diapers we purchased or would wear them until they leaked. She would not wash her clothes. Would not shower. Her clothes would be stained with all manner of waste and she would not even change her clothing.
After the fire, I managed to obtain Power Of Attorney for her as I’m handling her insurance and home rebuild solely. She is unable to help—so she gave me the ability to manage that for her.
Now, while in hotel that insurance pays for, her lack of hygiene and squalor persists. She will chose to lay in her own waste rather than let me assist her. I don’t understand that.
I have no idea how to proceed. I’ve broached the subject of in-home aids, assisted living, etc., and she is adamant that she doesn’t need or want help.
My POA does enable me to make some decisions for her. But, it’s tricky…she is so stubborn about not wanting the help she clearly needs that whenever I suggest help she becomes angry, cruel, etc.
Yesterday, I went to her hotel room and cleaned as she won’t allow housekeeping to enter. Her bathroom was a diarrhea “crime scene” if you can imagine that and she had soiled her bed down to mattress. She was laying in the waste instead of using other side of bed.
“It’s not that bad,” she said. “It’s not that dirty!” Yet it took me (no exaggeration) 5 1/2 hours to remove the smell from her clothing.
TLDR: 1) she needs help 2) she refuses help 3) she lives in squalor and sees no problem with it 4) she is clearly mentally ill and refuses medical help 5) I have POA and no clue how to proceed. And a big btw—I’m disabled.
help!
It's difficult when we have to take charge and place our parents in a facility, but she needs help now.
And I echo what's been said about the hotel. What in the world us wrong with them.
Also, in some cities the city council representative can be a tremendous help.
Describe the situation as you've done here.
May God bless you and your family. This is hard.
You may run into trouble for a memory care facility to take her if she is unruly, so this is why you should seek professional help first for a diagnose and potential medications.
Is rebuilding your mother's house really the best option? From what you've told us here about her she is clearly incompetent and cannot live alone unassisted any longer. She will not accept a live-in caregiving services in her home, and no caregiver will move into a home that is filthy and squalorous. Or live with a client who will sit in their own sh*t and refuses to clean up.
Forget about your mother being "stubborn". You have the POA and are making her decisions.
She needs placement in a care facility. Look around and find her one. Use the money the insurance company is paying out from the fire to pay for it.
Your mother will likely put up a fight and not go willingly. The facility you choose can handle such a situation if they know it will be a hostile transfer. It's for her own good and safety.
I’m rebuilding her house because 1) it was paid off; 2) she paid home owner insurance faithfully on it for over 50 years; 3) she’s entitled to have her property fixed. *Whether she moves back in to it is a separate issue.
My mom was evaluated —again—by APS today and SHE AGREED TO SERVICES!
I’m relieved
Contact her physician. Ask for guidance on how to handle this clearly not safe environment your mother is in. That way you are on record of 'trying'. If they are unable to assist, contact APS (making sure you have all the video recordings/photos as well) -
And yes, as someone said, when your mother moves out of the hospital, you will be totally liable and responsible to get the room back to where it was - huge cleaning bill because human waste is deemed hazardous, new carpet, new paint, probably retiling the bathroom, etc in addition to replacing all the furniture. Hopefully you have an extra $10,000 sitting around.
You have POA; your mother is no longer able or capable of taking care of herself nor is she capable of making decisions for herself about her care. It is time to find a memory care facility for her.
The hotel bill is going to be $$$, when they sanitize and remodel the room. Also, if your Mom ends up in care, the money may be needed there.
They will not pay for damages done to the hotel though.
Call police non emergency number, don't clean up. Tell them she is a danger to her self, they need to respond. Describe in vivid terms the condition of her room. If they balk, tell them she's at the hotel because she caused a fire in her house. They sure don't want to risk a hotel fire! They then can be responsible for getting a mental health hold on her.
If that doesn't work for some reason, call Adult Protective Services. Tell them it's an emergency.
You cannot continue dealing with this. Stop trying. Advice to take her to her doctor is well meaning and maybe workable, but you need to care for yourself. Stop subjecting yourself to her tirades and the messes. Let it go.
The following you can skip, only read to determine why I say the above, if you want. I had a rental property. Neighbor says the older lady tenant hadn't picked up paper in 3 days. Manager called police who checked on her. She was lucid, said she didn't need help. They did say there were dirtied pants on bathroom floor. The woman had been a meticulous housekeeper. Later her daughter who lived 3,000 miles away called as Mom was not answering her phone. Police again responded, had to break a window to gain entry. She was found in her soiled bed. They called for ambulance which took her to hospital. She'd had a slight stroke prior to first visit, and more prior to 2nd visit. Agencies took charge after that.
Start day one with these
911 - 72 hour psych evaluation hold
Adult Protective Services
Anytime someone answers your call and claims they can't help you, turn it around and ask them to refer you to someone who can.
State Conservatorship (i.e., ward of the state)
Your local Congress Person
Local Mental Health Services
It doesn't sound like that you have been successful in getting the help, so the next step would be APS.
https://www.pa.gov/guides/mental-health/
https://www.bricker.com/people/tess-tannehill/insights-resources/publications/best-practices-for-resolving-patient-incapacity-issues
Look up this in yor state. I still believe non emergency police #. And have her removed to hospital.
Colleen P. Pell
You say this started after your father died. How long were they married? How was their marriage and companionship? Has Mom ever verbalized wanting to die?
Other question: Is your brother, the physician. her PCP? I think it would be bettet if he were not since it's easier to motivate an elder to do what's necessary with the medical advice of non-family member.
Do you go with Mom to all her dr appts? Does/will Mom go to drs other than brother at all?
About POA. You only have so much power. Is it durable? What's in the language regarding powers and limitations? Did an attorney draft it, did you write it yourself, or did you use an online template? Does Mom have advanced directive and living will, etc.?
While she may have UTI or early dementia, my money is on DEPRESSION. It's been 3 years, and if untreated that long, it's become severe. Compare Mom's behavior in the last three years to before her husband passed. Was it a slow decline or an abrupt change?
IMO, your first action is to get her to a doctor for a complete physical and mental health consult for depression, not incompetence. Depression is awful and takes over your life to the point that you don't care about ANYTHING.
Have you had a candid conversation with your Mom about her feelings and will to live? You may be able to have her admitted to the hospital for suicide watch and evaluation. Sounds like she needs meds for depression and anxiety (that's underlying all of this - suddenly alone, without her life partner, lost and in despair). If this is the route, then Mom will need ongoing professional pysch visits with a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. You should insist on attending with her at first until the psych dr can see her alone (although I rec you take her and be available).
Make multiple copies of your POA and any other end of life documents; carry them with you to distribute to all her drs. etc. Designate one copy for you to track to whom you give them (I made a 1-line signature record on the back of mine with date, facility name/Dr name, name of person who actually took it, and made them initial it.
You actually need. at minimum:
Financial POA
POAHC (health care)
Advanced Directive/Living Will.
You can PM me if you want, and I'll email you copies of what I had for my Mom (Mom passed last Thanksgiving).
Bottom line, sounds like Mom is competent, but SUFFERING with severe depression. Please have her diagnosed asap. Mom needs help, even if you must strong arm her to get to the drs using your POA. Hopefully, you have a POAHC, not just a standard POA, and your POA needs to be DURABLE.
I think it's imperative that YOU go with Mom to all her dr visits to 1) listen and take notes and 2) speak to the drs yourself and rat Mom out if she plays down or lies about herself. It's helpful to sit behind Mom so she can't see you making eye contact and shaking your head to the dr. Try to speak with all the drs personally first before Mom sees the dr. Be creative. Wisper to the register that you need to speak privately with the dr - not just the nurse/PA - tell Mom you need to use the restroom there, whatever. If any dr won't allow you time, dump them and find another one. You need drs that will work with you for the benefit of Mom.
She refused to go.
I practically begged her.
And despite what many believe, being a POA (unless it’s a explicitly medical—which mine is NOT) has no power to compel her to go to any doctor.
The best I can do is ask.
But that all said, she finally agreed yesterday to allow me to make an appointment and allow services.
Whatever you do, do NOT assume responsibility for her, financial or otherwise. In your shoes, I would inform APS that this situation is beyond your abilities. She belongs in a skilled nursing home - not an assisted living.
Your only involvement at this point should just be a periodic visit that will allow you to be the loving daughter, listen to her woes, tell her you love her and take your leave. -
"Plot thickens: I called two home healthcare services this afternoon. Both said that they “have to protect their caregivers” (totally understandable) and can’t assign them to laundering feces."
I am speechless. I have no words.
ROFLLMAO.
Understandable my foot. Find an agency whose workers are from this planet. And demonstrate at least a flicker of interest in assisting their clients' wellbeing.
Also - don't be apologetic about the requirements. This is the situation, this is the support required initially, can you help, yes/no. Don't give them tacit permission to have a fit of the vapours about it.
It is awful what you are going through. I could never do it.
then I'd suggest the old saying when we were kids and to our kids....
it hurts me more than it hurts you and get her some psych aid.
she doesn't see the squalor. She's still swimming in mud and can't get out on her own. It's severe depression and she's fighting.
help her by understanding her first. Then take charge and remove her from the situation. Is assisted living it what it takes then do so. You have to be a POA for that as you said.
it will come out in the wash hen she wakes up in her time.
Prayers that you can find out where to put your mother I don't think its the best in her house after its being built unless there are people to take care of her. Sounds like a psych evaluation might need to be done too.