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I was a caregiver for my Dad. It was hard because he bounced back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals for about 2 years. Within 12 months of his passing, my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. I have been her caregiver for over 5.5 years. I am soooo grateful she is beating cancer and is a 5.5-year survivor. The cancer has popped up in her lungs a few times and she was diagnosed with a form of lung cancer. She also has COPD. She has been a chain smoker for most of her life. Her doctors told her she had to give up smoking.


My Mom’s case is a hopeful one in that her last 3 PET and CAT scans (over the span of several months) were CLEAN and showed absolutely NO cancer. In the past, each time cancer had popped up in her lungs she would have to go on treatment and go for a surgical procedure, which she barely passed medically for because of her lung issues. After her last procedure (which was about a year ago), her lung collapsed and she had to come home on oxygen after a long hospital stay. The treatment cause inflammation in her body, so she had to take a break from treatment. However, this does not deter Mom from smoking.


We have had many arguments over her smoking through out the years. When I was a young adult and lived at home, I asked my Mom to please smoke outside because I did not want to get sick from second hand smoke. She got right up close to my face and blew smoke in my face and said to me: “If I have to die of cancer, so do you.” Also when I was a young adult and lived at home, I once opened the windows to let the smoke out and she called the police on me for opening the windows in her house.


I have sacrificed my time, money and have applied every skill and bit of energy I have to help my Mom fight cancer. However it is hard to fight her cancer and fight her at the same time. It is hard to help someone who is not invested in helping themselves. I did get a smoking cessation therapist on board to help my Mom quit and she is taking a stronger dose of Wellbutrin (which is supposed to help her to stop smoking and which she complains about taking and sometimes forgets to take) at the therapist’s suggestion, however Mom refuses to get the nicotine patch or gum as the cessation therapist strongly advised.


She lives alone in her home and is an independent 82 year old and does have a decent quality of life. She can cook, drive, clean and is of sound mind. I promised her that she would be able to live in her home for the rest of her life. (I promised she would never end up in a nursing home).


I live alone in my own home which is in disrepair and am living off of my savings (and helping Mom with my savings). I do NOT have an income coming in at this time. I do not have a pension and do not have a 401k or any outside help. My brother suggested I sell my home and move in with my Mom. My brother and my Mom want me to pay Mom rent and take care of Mom full time. I do not know if this is a great idea. Also Mom said she may not be able to live with me. Right now I have an aide coming in three times a week for about 16 hours a week.


I advised my Mom not to let her 12 year old small yorkie out (without a leash) and to not go out in the cold. However, Mom let the dog out without a leash and went out in the cold after the dog and tripped and fell. She had her phone with her so she was able to call for assistance. I wanted to take her to the doctor but she refused. She tells me I am “controlling”, but I am just trying to protect her and help her. I just want the best for her.


The worst part of it is the lying. She swears she is not smoking, however I smell it when I go into her home and later she admits it to the doctor. I told her she could be honest with me and I would not get upset, but she still lies.


It is very difficult to quit smoking, however I just want Mom to make a “sincere honest effort” to quit smoking and make better choices for herself because she has a hopeful case and a chance at life.

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Give up on her giving up smoking. She doesn't want to do it and she won't. It only hurts you to want her to change. She showed you who she was with that quote when you were young. Maybe a support group would be helpful for you. It sounds like you've done the best you can and have nothing to regret in your attempts to help her. Now concentrate on your own situation which is something you can do something about. Care for yourself at least as much as you have tried to care for her.
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Cobi0417 Mar 2022
Thanks so much for your reply. I have been caring for others since 2013 and have forgotten how to care for myself. I am trying, I am now a senior and have no husband and no children. The only person that can care for me is me. I have a younger brother. I told him he has to take over, but he keeps guilting me and giving me a hard time about being in on Mom’s telehealth visits. Mom asks him for nothing and does not ask him to be there with her and her doctors. My brother tells me that my taking care of our Mother is a “moral” issue. He returned a Christmas gift he got my Mom and then pocketed the $120.00 he spent on her gift! He is a multimillionaire, who is consistently “broke and sick”. He never brings Mom food but rather eats her food when he goes to visit. He just sold one of his MANY properties for $650,000.00. He just told me he was upset because my Mom told him not to eat all her bananas.
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PeggySue2020 Mar 2022
If you're in the house, tell Bro that he has to pay for aide help so that you can BOTH stay in the house. Both Bro and Mom know she cannot live there without you, and now you need help so you can help her continue to stay there.
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"My brother suggested I sell my home and move in with my Mom. My brother and my Mom want me to pay Mom rent and take care of Mom full time. I do not know if this is a great idea."

You don't know if this is a great idea? Seriously? You don't?

Would you know if it was the worst idea in the world history of absolutely terrible ideas? Not to mention unbelievable piss-taking and chutzpah.

Leave your mother alone and let her and your brother between them sort out whatever care and support she needs. She doesn't want to quit smoking, and as for a chance at life she's 83 years old and surviving lung cancer. What more do you want?
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You are ruining your life, your health and your financial health in a futile attempt to help your mother who doesn't want or deserve your help. Please do not move in with her or contribute another dollar towards her care or upkeep. You dearly need that money for your own care and upkeep of your own home. Please allow your mother to live her life as she sees fit, pay for her own aide, and to blow smoke in someone elses face and see where THAT gets her. I can honestly say I've never heard a more foul comment made to ones own daughter. How dare she say such a thing and try to make you sick along with her! Disgraceful.

You can't want a better life for mom than SHE wants for herself. Please leave her to her own devices and check in on her from time to time. You deserve more than to be treated like this, please realize that. Your brother and mother are asking you to be a slave and a doormat, and to PAY for the "privilege". Suggest your brother do it instead, after you slam the door in his face.
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Cobi0417 Mar 2022
I am a senior now myself and have been a caregiver for so long, I have forgotten how to take care of myself. But I am going to try. Thank you so much for your reply. I very much appreciate it.
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Your mom's cancer fight is HERS to fight not yours.
What you are doing is spinning your wheels hoping that she will change.
Ain't gonna happen sweetheart.
She is an addict.
What you can do is back off.
Live your life not your mom's.
Stop supporting your mom.
Get a job.
DO NOT move in with your mom.
If you have to sell your house and get something smaller that you can afford until you have more income, or and I hate to even suggest this with all the problems it might bring but getting a housemate that will help with expenses. (and you will have more when you stop helping mom)
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Cobi0417 Mar 2022
Thank you so much for your advice. I very much appreciate it.
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@Cobi, I am actually frightened for you and your future.

I, too, have always, from early childhood, been both a savior and a doormat to anyone with a sad story, grifters, selfish pigs, liars who saw a patsy (me) coming from a mile away, etc and whose own needs came so far last that I never did anything for myself until I was in my mid-sixties. I actually lost jobs in my prime working years due to thinking only I could help all these people. They are now sitting pretty and I am in a very tenuous situation. My fear for myself is reflected in a surge of fear for you. Please don’t become a clone of me.

The rest of your life starts RIGHT NOW.

Make yourself a priority starting RIGHT NOW.

Your mother has made her position clear, she will smoke until death and she doesn’t want you to intrude. Your brother has also made himself perfectly clear. Let them stew in their juices together.

Do not help any more. I mourn for the caring girl you were, who was treated so foully by the woman who gave birth to you…I refuse to identify her as mother, since she was no such loving thing to you.

You did not get the loving childhood you deserved, so you must start being kind to yourself and putting yourself first, starting today.
Aim your naturally loving caring nature towards yourself. You deserve it.
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Cobi0417 Mar 2022
I am close to your age and your story is MY story. I too have given up jobs to help my family and now I am in desperate straits financially and in every other way and am having health issues. I have no children, no husband. I am really nervous.
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Let her go. She has created this life. Quit protecting her. You are working harder to save her life than she is, so why keep banging your head on the wall? You will never change her, so quit trying. She has emotionally beaten you up throughout your life. No matter what you do, it will never bring out the kindness and love that you are yearning to get from her.

Don’t let your mom and brother gang up on you to sell your house and totally destroy your life. Mom has run your show but now it’s time for you to run your life. It’s time for brother to pitch in—of course he wants you to sell your house, pay her rent and be her caregiver. It’s no skin off his nose—then he doesn’t have to worry. Listen to your gut telling you this isn’t a good idea. You have to plan for your future. She’s ruining hers and you can’t protect her from herself. And it sounds like she doesn’t want to be protected. Be glad your mom says she’s not sure she’s able to live with you. Many people swear they will never put their loved one in a nursing home but they get to the point where they realize they have to. That may be the safest way to care for them. There are good nursing homes out there—my brother is in one.

At some point cancer treatments are going to cause more discomfort than she ever expected. It will come down to quality versus quantity of life. It’s okay to let her go. Everyone dies.
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In another reply you basically state you would never put a LO in a facility.

Are YOU paying for the aide your mother has for 16 hrs/week?

STOP being your family's slave. Brother isn't going to step up, but that doesn't mean you need to be continuously stepped ON.

Your mother isn't going to change; let her and your brother figure out what happens to her.
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OMG! What are you smoking? Or what drugs are you on? Your brain isn't thinking anymore. Or maybe you got rocks for brain.

Everything you are doing is wrong, Wrong, WRONG.

You gave up your livelihood, and are burning through your savings, and you don't know if selling the roof over your head to get money so you can burn through that too is a dumbest idea ever.

If your goal is to become jobless, penniless and homeless once your mother dies, then keep doing what you are doing. You are more than half way there.

Your brother is a selfish a__hole. Stop listening to him.

He wants you to not only work for free, but pay to be at work? In your history of employment, did any of the companies charge you rent for the desk or office you used and they paid you nothing for your work?

Grrrr! If I were your best friend, I'd slap your head to wake you up.
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Cobi0417 Mar 2022
Thank you for your advice. You are right.
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Good answer from PolarBear
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polarbear Mar 2022
Thank you Becky
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You're wasting your time. Your mother's cancer is not cured. It's only taking a short remission. It will come back at any time and it will kill her. Cancer prevention measures are too late in this case. The damage has been been done already and there is no way to reverse it. Leave her alone to "enjoy" the little life she still has. At this point, nothing can change her. Besides, it's too late.
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She isn’t fighting her cancer. And you can’t fight it for her. She obviously has some mental illness, and you can’t fight that either. She’s made her choices and doesn’t care what you think. Start letting go!
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Well, I would say that she IS fighting her cancer in that she got several procedures for it, but she seems UNABLE to beat her addiction, and unwilling to try to beat it. How much you care to in her given all that has to be your decision, and over the course of years you have been making the decision to make that investment. None of this will get any better.
You cannot change others. You can only change what YOU do. So you have decisions to make. It seems to me that there is a good deal more than cancer that is problematic here. You have formed a habitual way of carrying on with life. I think that will be difficult for YOU to change, and my stress on the "you" means only you can do it.
Sorry for all the problems.
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Cobi0417 Mar 2022
You are right. I have been taking care of others for so many years that I have become excellent at it and it has become second nature, however I now have a hard time focusing on myself and caring for myself, and I am also in my 60s. I am feeling so remorseful and regretful.
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Cobi, you said: "... I now have a hard time focusing on myself and caring for myself, and I am also in my 60s. I am feeling so remorseful and regretful."

Feeling remorseful and regretful is the first step in the right direction. I am so glad you said that. I think it's a sign of hope that you have the will to turn your life around for the better.

Please think over carefully and envision what you want YOUR life to be, not anyone else's life. What would you like to be doing if you had your choice to do anything you want? What would a good day look like to you? What would you like to be doing 1, 2, 5 years from now?

Envision the above clearly and in high definition, seeing yourself doing the above. Set goals, then set baby steps on how to get to each of your goal.

That's how you take care of yourself.
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babziellia Mar 2022
And it's never too late for love. Even as a senior. But you give all of yourself to your Mom thinking you can save her.
You can't. Even IF she quit smoking, there's no reason on earth for you to continue sacrificing your entire being and life for your mom. You can still love your mom and LOVE YOURSELF at the same time.
Your situ sounds like codependency. In addition to putting space between you and mom and your selfish narcissist sounding brother and moving yourself in a very different direction, I seriously advise you to seek counseling.
Sounds like you really love your mom,, but you deserve A LOT MORE LOVE AND SOMEONE SPECIAL IN YOUR LIFE TO LOVE YOU FOR JUST YOU.
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I really can't see why anyone would bother trying to help a smoker who won't quit, especially when no dementia is involved.. She's literally and willfully killing herself, so let her go about it.

If they care so little about their own health, why should anyone else?
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Let it go it is futile and a waste of your time. What ever you do - Do not live with her or you will end up smoking or having a nervous breakdown .
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Stop trying to change her. She will smoke. This is her choice..sad but true.
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I was told this with any kind of drug and yes the smoking is a drug they can't stop it no matter how hard they try its imprinted in their brain cells. Its time you step back and take care of yourself. You need to start working again and taking care of yourself. Where will you be if she dies that is what you have to think about. Stop supplying her with your money. You are enabling her meaning she can take hers and do what she wants with it.

Prayers.
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Sounds like a good time to detach from your mother. The good news is she isn't putting on a big show for you to help her or move in with her. In other words, she isn't pouring on the guilt like my mother would.

I'm writing this with caring and kindness, your mother is right...you are being controlling. You can't make her do anything. She is a fully grown adult who is making her own decisions. It's not your job to make her quit smoking, make her stop putting her Yorkie out without a leash etc.

You wrote:
I have sacrificed my time, money and have applied every skill and bit of energy I have to help my Mom fight cancer. However it is hard to fight her cancer and fight her at the same time. It is hard to help someone who is not invested in helping themselves.

Seriously, STOP doing for her and start doing for yourself. You matter and you should be taking care and investing all this time, money and effort in yourself, not your mother. She made all the decisions that got her into this spot and she knows it.

Your job isn't to protect her from herself.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Don't care more about another's situation than they do.
Observe don't Absorb!

There are many other sayings I could type but I just want you to really think about how you are trying to get your mom to do things she doesn't want to do. And because she's an adult, she doesn't have to do what you say. Stop caring and doing more than she does. Care for yourself because once you put all this time and effort into her life, there won't be anything left for your own life.
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It is time for you to let go. As an exsmoker, she is doing what she enjoys. Let her live her life her way. I understand why she accuse you of being controlling, but its out of love. If having lung cancer several times didnt scare her, neither will you. I lost my mom in 2010 to lung cancer. She stopped immediately after diagnosis, although she tried many years prior. She survived 5 years without chemo. She is the reason I stopped and it was not easy for me 💔
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Ella2021 Mar 2022
You and me both. We can't control another adult- period. I am a former smoker too, and seeing pictures of black lungs did nothing for me until I was ready.
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My boyfriend used to go downstairs on his break from a chemo session and smoke. You're beating a dead horse. Give up this fight and let her be. The more important issue is your promise to keep her in her own home. I will only advise that you have all her medical and financial documents in place NOW. You are aging yourself and need to devote your attention to your own health and future. By what you say, your Mom may have many more years left. I know you made a promise, but if she does stay in her own home until the end please have enough courage to NOT be the one who has to physically care for her. I wish you and your Mom the best.
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Just curious as to why so many have made promises to loved ones about keeping them out of a “nursing home” as if it’s a sign of gross negligence or a death sentence. There’s a spectrum of quality senior living options out there where many folks thrive and even improve in health, mood, sociability, etc. Aging at home is a great choice if you can find the unicorn of care; experienced, qualified, consistent, and reliable. Prior to COVID, this was challenging. Now, it’s almost impossible in many areas of the country. Obviously, assisted living communities run the gamut of quality and price, but to discount them as a viable option is a disservice to all involved. My husband and I would NEVER mandate nor expect that our children take care of us in our later years - what a cruel thing to foist on someone who in many cases, has their own family, home, career, financial and medical/health challenges. I can’t imagine a caring parent would want to jeopardize their child’s well being because of their own negligence, denial, or lack of planning. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavor, but sounds like a frank discussion with your mom is in order. Since she’s still pretty independent, looks like she can make some decisions regarding her care, but you’ve got to convey your limits - one more episode of smoke blown in the face, and I’d be out the door, perhaps permanently. Age does not give you license to be an a$$h@le.
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You need to realize you are SO co-dependent upon your mom and her life and that's not good for yours. You don't have a job, your house is in disrepair and you're taking care of a woman who sounds in better shape than you.

You don't owe her anything. You need to let her know, that's her life. If she needs help hire it. And move on with yours. Your mother is not going to do anything to help you it sounds, like quitting smoking. Sure it's tough to do, but...

Your brother and mother sound like people who suck the life out of you. Go get a job, fix up your home, and visit mom off and on, but get out of her life because you've lost yours.
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Cobi0417 Mar 2022
thank you. This is true, they have “sucked the life out of me” for years. My dad too ( when he was alive ). I need to heal and recover my life before I have no life left. Hope it is not too late. I am in my 60s.
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She's an adult. Let her smoke. If she can't go by your rules then she'll have to do it somewhere else. I am a former smoker, and while I was never rude, I didn't quit until I was ready. Nobody can make you.
If she is in her home, talk to the local police or social services and have them do something called "well checks". At that point, if they see something that causes concern, THEY will intervene and it won't be on you. Or talk to the Aide, and have them do the reporting. Do not move in with her, as she will manipulate you and you will be worse off than you are now. I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you can't control her habits but you can protect her life in other ways.
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Can you work? Do you want to work? How close are you to retirement for Social Security? Can you afford to live alone? If your house is in disrepair, could you sell it and get something in better condition for you to continue living alone?

I would never move in with Mom at this stage of the game. Let brother do that, let him sell his house. (Probably not, right ?!)

Your Mom will continue to smoke and do it with it or without lying. She knows the possible consequences. Somehow you need to find the inner peace to accept this. That does not mean you agree or want her to continue, but she is a grown woman who makes her own decisions. She will not change. You cannot control someone else; but you can control how you respond.

It is you that needs to change... to accept and "let go".

Please do not move in with her. For your peace of mind and sanity, stay by yourself.

Find the strength, be firm and say "No". No, you will not be doing that. Period. You do not need to give any reasons, etc. Just say "No".

And if she goes to the hospital again, tell the social worker she needs to go to rehab after, that she is not safe to go home, because there is no one there to help her. Period. Do NOT spend any more of your money for at-home care for your mom. You MUST think of yourself and your future. Disengage yourself.

And please let us know how are you are doing. We care about you.
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Cobi0417 Mar 2022
I do want to work. I am in my early 60s but am currently struggling with auto immune issues, chronic migraines and I fell so am going through physical therapy. My health has declined over the past several years. I have been on “ high alert “ with all this stuff with my parents and beat up from it...even from dealing with the hospitals, nursing homes and doctors....my father’s lawsuits...non stop for several years. So right now, I am just about able to get through my day and caring for my basic needs, as I am the only person who can help me. But my goal is to never give up trying to improve. I appreciate ALL the encouragement.
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"If I have to die from cancer, so do you." That would have been it for me. You can't care more about someone's health than they do. Back away, slowly if you need to, but get more involved in your own life. Find a job so you are less available for her and have resources and a life of your own. Let others step in and fill the gap. Brother? hired caregiver? Be okay with whatever she is doing. Its not your responsibility. The less you are in her home, the better. Call for a short check in a couple times a week. Keep in person visits to a minimum. You might be trying to control the situation because you are afraid you are going to be responsible for the consequences of her behavior. You are not. Be prepared that mom may try to suck you back in as you distance. If you're lucky, she'll let you go without much fuss. Its hurtful either way. But so is what you have described. Do not use your money for your mother's care. Let your mother pay for her care. She's given you an out by saying she doesn't think she could live with you. Use it. Do not fall any deeper down this rabbit hole. There is support for you in this group and in free groups like Codependents Anonymous in most cities.
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She’s 82 let her smoke, it’s her life and her lungs. But make it clear that you will not be there to nurse her if she falls ill again and will probably have to go into nursing home.DO not sell your home and move in with your mother what ever happens, get your brother to do it. You are not responsible for your mother’s bills,health etc.
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Maryjann Mar 2022
Amen!
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Cobi0417 Mar 2022
Thank you!
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She has to want it for herself. You will never get her to stop. It is like any addiction, alcohol, food, drugs, If you have an addiction, the time to quit will be decided by the addict. I know that is a hard word to apply to your Mom, but smoking is an addiction. I understand you want the best for her, of course, she is still Mom, but she is manipulating you and you are letting her make her life your life. When she blew the smoke in your face and wished cancer on you, that would have been enough for me. That was very cruel. Your life is yours and your alone. I never take suggestions from someone who is making no effort to help the situation and is part of the problem so ask if your brother can help. If not, that means that he has figured out that you are an easy target. You are doing everything so why should he. I think that some answers here are very true. She is 82, can take care of herself, so tell her she can do what she chooses but you will not be a part of it. No more money or putting up with her abuse. She took back her promise to not smoke, so your promise to keep her at her home is not longer valid either especially as she ages and is not able to care for herself. You have given all you have to give, so don't try to control, and tell her you don't want to be controlled either which is exactly what she is doing to you. Take care of yourself first.
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The one thing that I want to emphasize is that you are powerless to stop your mother from smoking. I was powerless to stop my now-deceased twin brother from taking pills and drinking. I was powerless to stop my now-deceased ex-husband from drinking. There is no one alive who can stop anyone else from self-destructive habits and/or addictions.

There is no amount of love, caring, help, threats, pleas or anything else that will make an addict stop.

My advice to you is to stop even mentioning the smoking - many times that just backfires anyway. Accept that your mother is going to smoke.

You say that your mother is independent, can cook, clean, drive and has a sound mind. Consider yourself blessed and move on with you life.

Maybe you want to consider whether or not you are co-dependent. You may be addicted to your mother, her addiction and the drama that it creates.

There is a great book. "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie. I highly recommend that you get yourself a copy.

Please do that for yourself.
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Cobi0417 Mar 2022
Thank you. Mom is independent to a point. She has really bad COPD and can not last in a supermarket or a cvs very long with tiring and needing assistance. She has trouble and is nervous taking a shower alone, etc. so being 82 with COPD, she is as independent as possible. But yes I hear you. The co dependent aspect is one I will look into.
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