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I was a caregiver for my Dad. It was hard because he bounced back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals for about 2 years. Within 12 months of his passing, my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. I have been her caregiver for over 5.5 years. I am soooo grateful she is beating cancer and is a 5.5-year survivor. The cancer has popped up in her lungs a few times and she was diagnosed with a form of lung cancer. She also has COPD. She has been a chain smoker for most of her life. Her doctors told her she had to give up smoking.


My Mom’s case is a hopeful one in that her last 3 PET and CAT scans (over the span of several months) were CLEAN and showed absolutely NO cancer. In the past, each time cancer had popped up in her lungs she would have to go on treatment and go for a surgical procedure, which she barely passed medically for because of her lung issues. After her last procedure (which was about a year ago), her lung collapsed and she had to come home on oxygen after a long hospital stay. The treatment cause inflammation in her body, so she had to take a break from treatment. However, this does not deter Mom from smoking.


We have had many arguments over her smoking through out the years. When I was a young adult and lived at home, I asked my Mom to please smoke outside because I did not want to get sick from second hand smoke. She got right up close to my face and blew smoke in my face and said to me: “If I have to die of cancer, so do you.” Also when I was a young adult and lived at home, I once opened the windows to let the smoke out and she called the police on me for opening the windows in her house.


I have sacrificed my time, money and have applied every skill and bit of energy I have to help my Mom fight cancer. However it is hard to fight her cancer and fight her at the same time. It is hard to help someone who is not invested in helping themselves. I did get a smoking cessation therapist on board to help my Mom quit and she is taking a stronger dose of Wellbutrin (which is supposed to help her to stop smoking and which she complains about taking and sometimes forgets to take) at the therapist’s suggestion, however Mom refuses to get the nicotine patch or gum as the cessation therapist strongly advised.


She lives alone in her home and is an independent 82 year old and does have a decent quality of life. She can cook, drive, clean and is of sound mind. I promised her that she would be able to live in her home for the rest of her life. (I promised she would never end up in a nursing home).


I live alone in my own home which is in disrepair and am living off of my savings (and helping Mom with my savings). I do NOT have an income coming in at this time. I do not have a pension and do not have a 401k or any outside help. My brother suggested I sell my home and move in with my Mom. My brother and my Mom want me to pay Mom rent and take care of Mom full time. I do not know if this is a great idea. Also Mom said she may not be able to live with me. Right now I have an aide coming in three times a week for about 16 hours a week.


I advised my Mom not to let her 12 year old small yorkie out (without a leash) and to not go out in the cold. However, Mom let the dog out without a leash and went out in the cold after the dog and tripped and fell. She had her phone with her so she was able to call for assistance. I wanted to take her to the doctor but she refused. She tells me I am “controlling”, but I am just trying to protect her and help her. I just want the best for her.


The worst part of it is the lying. She swears she is not smoking, however I smell it when I go into her home and later she admits it to the doctor. I told her she could be honest with me and I would not get upset, but she still lies.


It is very difficult to quit smoking, however I just want Mom to make a “sincere honest effort” to quit smoking and make better choices for herself because she has a hopeful case and a chance at life.

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You are ruining your life, your health and your financial health in a futile attempt to help your mother who doesn't want or deserve your help. Please do not move in with her or contribute another dollar towards her care or upkeep. You dearly need that money for your own care and upkeep of your own home. Please allow your mother to live her life as she sees fit, pay for her own aide, and to blow smoke in someone elses face and see where THAT gets her. I can honestly say I've never heard a more foul comment made to ones own daughter. How dare she say such a thing and try to make you sick along with her! Disgraceful.

You can't want a better life for mom than SHE wants for herself. Please leave her to her own devices and check in on her from time to time. You deserve more than to be treated like this, please realize that. Your brother and mother are asking you to be a slave and a doormat, and to PAY for the "privilege". Suggest your brother do it instead, after you slam the door in his face.
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Cobi0417 Mar 2022
I am a senior now myself and have been a caregiver for so long, I have forgotten how to take care of myself. But I am going to try. Thank you so much for your reply. I very much appreciate it.
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OMG! What are you smoking? Or what drugs are you on? Your brain isn't thinking anymore. Or maybe you got rocks for brain.

Everything you are doing is wrong, Wrong, WRONG.

You gave up your livelihood, and are burning through your savings, and you don't know if selling the roof over your head to get money so you can burn through that too is a dumbest idea ever.

If your goal is to become jobless, penniless and homeless once your mother dies, then keep doing what you are doing. You are more than half way there.

Your brother is a selfish a__hole. Stop listening to him.

He wants you to not only work for free, but pay to be at work? In your history of employment, did any of the companies charge you rent for the desk or office you used and they paid you nothing for your work?

Grrrr! If I were your best friend, I'd slap your head to wake you up.
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Cobi0417 Mar 2022
Thank you for your advice. You are right.
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"My brother suggested I sell my home and move in with my Mom. My brother and my Mom want me to pay Mom rent and take care of Mom full time. I do not know if this is a great idea."

You don't know if this is a great idea? Seriously? You don't?

Would you know if it was the worst idea in the world history of absolutely terrible ideas? Not to mention unbelievable piss-taking and chutzpah.

Leave your mother alone and let her and your brother between them sort out whatever care and support she needs. She doesn't want to quit smoking, and as for a chance at life she's 83 years old and surviving lung cancer. What more do you want?
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Your mom's cancer fight is HERS to fight not yours.
What you are doing is spinning your wheels hoping that she will change.
Ain't gonna happen sweetheart.
She is an addict.
What you can do is back off.
Live your life not your mom's.
Stop supporting your mom.
Get a job.
DO NOT move in with your mom.
If you have to sell your house and get something smaller that you can afford until you have more income, or and I hate to even suggest this with all the problems it might bring but getting a housemate that will help with expenses. (and you will have more when you stop helping mom)
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Cobi0417 Mar 2022
Thank you so much for your advice. I very much appreciate it.
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@Cobi, I am actually frightened for you and your future.

I, too, have always, from early childhood, been both a savior and a doormat to anyone with a sad story, grifters, selfish pigs, liars who saw a patsy (me) coming from a mile away, etc and whose own needs came so far last that I never did anything for myself until I was in my mid-sixties. I actually lost jobs in my prime working years due to thinking only I could help all these people. They are now sitting pretty and I am in a very tenuous situation. My fear for myself is reflected in a surge of fear for you. Please don’t become a clone of me.

The rest of your life starts RIGHT NOW.

Make yourself a priority starting RIGHT NOW.

Your mother has made her position clear, she will smoke until death and she doesn’t want you to intrude. Your brother has also made himself perfectly clear. Let them stew in their juices together.

Do not help any more. I mourn for the caring girl you were, who was treated so foully by the woman who gave birth to you…I refuse to identify her as mother, since she was no such loving thing to you.

You did not get the loving childhood you deserved, so you must start being kind to yourself and putting yourself first, starting today.
Aim your naturally loving caring nature towards yourself. You deserve it.
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Cobi0417 Mar 2022
I am close to your age and your story is MY story. I too have given up jobs to help my family and now I am in desperate straits financially and in every other way and am having health issues. I have no children, no husband. I am really nervous.
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You're wasting your time. Your mother's cancer is not cured. It's only taking a short remission. It will come back at any time and it will kill her. Cancer prevention measures are too late in this case. The damage has been been done already and there is no way to reverse it. Leave her alone to "enjoy" the little life she still has. At this point, nothing can change her. Besides, it's too late.
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Let her go. She has created this life. Quit protecting her. You are working harder to save her life than she is, so why keep banging your head on the wall? You will never change her, so quit trying. She has emotionally beaten you up throughout your life. No matter what you do, it will never bring out the kindness and love that you are yearning to get from her.

Don’t let your mom and brother gang up on you to sell your house and totally destroy your life. Mom has run your show but now it’s time for you to run your life. It’s time for brother to pitch in—of course he wants you to sell your house, pay her rent and be her caregiver. It’s no skin off his nose—then he doesn’t have to worry. Listen to your gut telling you this isn’t a good idea. You have to plan for your future. She’s ruining hers and you can’t protect her from herself. And it sounds like she doesn’t want to be protected. Be glad your mom says she’s not sure she’s able to live with you. Many people swear they will never put their loved one in a nursing home but they get to the point where they realize they have to. That may be the safest way to care for them. There are good nursing homes out there—my brother is in one.

At some point cancer treatments are going to cause more discomfort than she ever expected. It will come down to quality versus quantity of life. It’s okay to let her go. Everyone dies.
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Can you work? Do you want to work? How close are you to retirement for Social Security? Can you afford to live alone? If your house is in disrepair, could you sell it and get something in better condition for you to continue living alone?

I would never move in with Mom at this stage of the game. Let brother do that, let him sell his house. (Probably not, right ?!)

Your Mom will continue to smoke and do it with it or without lying. She knows the possible consequences. Somehow you need to find the inner peace to accept this. That does not mean you agree or want her to continue, but she is a grown woman who makes her own decisions. She will not change. You cannot control someone else; but you can control how you respond.

It is you that needs to change... to accept and "let go".

Please do not move in with her. For your peace of mind and sanity, stay by yourself.

Find the strength, be firm and say "No". No, you will not be doing that. Period. You do not need to give any reasons, etc. Just say "No".

And if she goes to the hospital again, tell the social worker she needs to go to rehab after, that she is not safe to go home, because there is no one there to help her. Period. Do NOT spend any more of your money for at-home care for your mom. You MUST think of yourself and your future. Disengage yourself.

And please let us know how are you are doing. We care about you.
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Cobi0417 Mar 2022
I do want to work. I am in my early 60s but am currently struggling with auto immune issues, chronic migraines and I fell so am going through physical therapy. My health has declined over the past several years. I have been on “ high alert “ with all this stuff with my parents and beat up from it...even from dealing with the hospitals, nursing homes and doctors....my father’s lawsuits...non stop for several years. So right now, I am just about able to get through my day and caring for my basic needs, as I am the only person who can help me. But my goal is to never give up trying to improve. I appreciate ALL the encouragement.
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Give up on her giving up smoking. She doesn't want to do it and she won't. It only hurts you to want her to change. She showed you who she was with that quote when you were young. Maybe a support group would be helpful for you. It sounds like you've done the best you can and have nothing to regret in your attempts to help her. Now concentrate on your own situation which is something you can do something about. Care for yourself at least as much as you have tried to care for her.
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Cobi0417 Mar 2022
Thanks so much for your reply. I have been caring for others since 2013 and have forgotten how to care for myself. I am trying, I am now a senior and have no husband and no children. The only person that can care for me is me. I have a younger brother. I told him he has to take over, but he keeps guilting me and giving me a hard time about being in on Mom’s telehealth visits. Mom asks him for nothing and does not ask him to be there with her and her doctors. My brother tells me that my taking care of our Mother is a “moral” issue. He returned a Christmas gift he got my Mom and then pocketed the $120.00 he spent on her gift! He is a multimillionaire, who is consistently “broke and sick”. He never brings Mom food but rather eats her food when he goes to visit. He just sold one of his MANY properties for $650,000.00. He just told me he was upset because my Mom told him not to eat all her bananas.
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In another reply you basically state you would never put a LO in a facility.

Are YOU paying for the aide your mother has for 16 hrs/week?

STOP being your family's slave. Brother isn't going to step up, but that doesn't mean you need to be continuously stepped ON.

Your mother isn't going to change; let her and your brother figure out what happens to her.
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