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While cleaning out my mother's home, after she went to Assisted Living, I found both my grandfather and grandmother's Wills. My grandfather left me his car and my grandmother left me $2,000, neither of which I received years ago. I feel so hurt and betrayed that my mother would be so greedy as to keep this. She was always a bit shady and secretive. Now she has dementia. How do I get closure for such horrible behavior from my mother?

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I still think the Probate Office records will reflect exactly what happened because I had to account for everything to them. My Dad had a truck and I was instructed to go to DMV and put the truck in my name and then sell it, then put the money from the sale of the truck into the estate account. So, the $$$ from the sale of it was dissolved into that pool of money. However, had my Dad left that truck to me personally in the Will, it would have been a different issue. You were a minor so your Mom must have manipulated something somehow. What you said about your Mom being a thief (underhanded) due to things you discovered in her room gives a clue to the answers you are seeking. You will just have to learn to put it past you unless you want to do the leg work in checking out probate records. There may be some things you don’t know about their debts and finances.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
That’s exactly the problem. A parent can manipulate if the child is a minor. So sad.

Look at the children of long ago who were cheated in the film industry by their parents and managers. It’s stealing, plain and simple.

I know a young man who inherited money from his grandma and his mom told him that she was “borrowing some money” from his inheritance. She never paid him back. He was 17.

He had enough left to buy a car later but his mom took the money his grandma left for his college education. He had to work to pay for his own education.
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I had responded earlier suggesting that maybe your mom had to use the money for the care of your grandparents, but I see that you responded and said everyone else got their inheritance except you.  I am sorry your mom made that decision.  Even if you were a troubled teen going through something and not making good decisions in your youth, your mom could have chosen to put the money aside for you in some sort of account to give to you later when you grew up a bit and had your feet on the ground.  That would have been the kinder thing to do.  I hope you are able to forgive her and move on.  I know it hurts and I am not trying to make light of that, but what else is there to do?  It will only rob you of peace to keep any resentment towards her.
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Sadexecutor Feb 2020
She she actually turned around and did the same thing to my daughter, her granddaughter. My daughter always did very well in school. my mother told me that she set aside a college account for my daughter. After she graduated she met a man and got pregnant. My mother had always told me she had put away $10,000 for my daughter's College education. When she found out my daughter was pregnant she took it away from her and spend it on herself.
The good thing is, is that my mother also raised a strong woman and I pass that strength on to my daughter. My daughter got a government grant and finished school all on our own.
My mother is not the same person now that she has dementia. She seems to have lost that evil side. I guess because her brain doesn't function like it normally would.
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I'm going to guess here that when the grandparents passed away, they had neither a car or $ 2,000. Unless the will was executed just before they died, those bequests were wishes, probably not based on actual facts at the time of their death. Their wills would have been presented to the probate court and their assets would have been listed to the court. Wills written years before death can contain all kinds of wishful thinking. That's why people are advise to review and update wills periodically.

Any elder I knew did not have an automobile at the time of death. As they aged and developed medical issues, they had all ceased driving and gave up/sold their vehicles. As for $ 2,000, if any money was used up for their care, bills due at the time of their deaths and funeral arrangements ($ 2,000 doesn't go far,) there was no money to distribute to the letter writer. I'd bet that this is the situation.
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PussJr Feb 2020
Amen
Brother/ Sister
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DiamondAngel, if your grandparents leave you a legacy by will you ARE entitled to it. Literally so. It's the law.

But I think it's even simpler than that - at bottom, the OP just wants to know what happened. There could be a good explanation that would set her mind at rest, or there could be a lousy explanation that she'd feel aggrieved about and then gradually get over; but not knowing why her mother didn't comply with her grandparents' instructions must be torment.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
Very well said. I more or less said the same thing earlier.
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[off topic, sorry] - does anyone remember where on the forum the list of abbreviations and acronyms is? - only the problem's come up again and I can't remember. Long day!
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
Sorry, I don’t remember either. Can you do a search? Someone will know and fill you in.
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Why do people feel they are entitled to an inheritance? There are celebrities who are not leaving a penny to their children. They want them to earn every penny..on their own....get an elder lawyer to start an application for your parents for Medicaid.....you don't have to be a care giver for them....
Move on , make your own money and save for your retirement!
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worriedinCali Feb 2020
Why do people care what other people feel entitled to??? What celebrities do is irrelevant too.
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Regardless of what people are saying I know this from personal experience that it hurts. Also in my case $2,000 could have kept me off the street so yes sometime people do need this money, and who is anyone to tell this person that they should let it go when it is involving the person's feeling. A car could have been used to go out further then the bus system or train could take the person, etc. I am sorry that you are going through this and hop that you feel better soon.
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DiamondAngel14 Feb 2020
Get a job and buy your own car, or take the train or bus like everyone else. $2,000 isn't a lot of money...up keep of an old car....move on!
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A second hand car and $2K years ago. So what. Surely you don’t want compensated? They could have been out dated wills or when they passed maybe these things no longer existed. Being married all assets would have passed to the surviving spouse. So I really don’t see what you have to feel betrayed about
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I am betting on there being later Wills. It is too obvious that the two Wills were located together.
In Australia Wills for estates with any assets have to be probated, that involves lodging the original signed Wills with a government department. Only after Probate can bequests be handed out. By law the car would have had to be re registered in your name and to do that a special certificate would be required.
There is always the possibility that your grandparents did not have any assets when tbey died. That is the other explanation for the two Wills being found together. No assers, no probate required.
If you cannot move on it might be worthwhile contacting the relevant authority to see if either grandparent did in fact have an estate. You might have to pay some search fees, but it would answer a lot of questions. If you neex to give a reason just say it is for family history research.
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Years ago? Do you know what happened to it...did it go to your mom? Was she your guardian because you were under age at the time? I'd not get my hopes up, but still might want to touch base with an elder law attorney...
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Heather10 Feb 2020
Yes, talk to an attorney. It is illegal for an executor to not abide by a will.
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Just because it was in their will, does not mean they actually had it at the time they passed. The money could have been used to help pay for their funerals. The car could have been sold to help pay for the funeral or monies owed for their other expenses. As others have said, things change. Just because it was in a will does not mean that they even had those items by the time they passed away. Money owed by the estate have to be paid first.
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You need the help of an elder law attorney. So even if the auto was sold and the 2K is gone, perhaps the lawyer can attempt to amend this. Good luck. Worth a shot if you have the funds for an attorney. Or speak to your mother if she's able.
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I think that you are justifiably hurt by your mothers actions. If the car had to be sold or totaled in an accident or otherwise GONE, and there was no money left when your last grandparent died, then I think your mom should have explained to you why you wouldn’t be getting the inheritance. I think you are upset over your moms actions, it’s not so much about the money and the car, it’s that your mom may have robbed you of your inheritance. I really don’t know you can find closure but perhaps you should take the advice given & have a conversation about this with your mom on a good day.
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Heather10 Feb 2020
I agree, totally, worried in cali.

If the money had to be spent to pay down money owed, the mother should have shown the will to the daughter and informed her of why, there was no money to give.
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You can go to the courthouse in the county/area where grandparents died to see if wills were probated. First one that died should be reviewed. Often, the surviving spouse writes a new will if first one did not mention what to do once both of them had died. So check for second deceased grandparent document as well. If both people's wills were probated there is a record to show what the assets were at time of death.
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PsyClinz: YB= younger brother; NH=nursing home, common abbreviations on this site.
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Psyclinz Feb 2020
Thanks Daisy - for the new users like me ;-)
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When there's any chance of money people become more greedy. My mother moved in with my YB for "a few months" after our stepdad died to "see what she wanted to do". Six years later she went into a NH. I was not allowed to see her or call her during those six years. My mother knew my YB was dangerous toward me, both physically and emotionally, but chose to ignore that fact. Meanwhile, in those eight years YB managed to move everything into his name, which I suspected. He sold her beloved organ, car, and most possessions before Mother went into the NH. I strongly suspect he in some ways physically and mentally abused her, but there was no proof except her word, and she never admitted her golden child was not golden. When Mother died I rec'd. notice of the fact, but no arrangements. I called the funeral home to obtain arrangements only to be told my YB at that point had said "he didn't have time to come the funeral home". The day of the funeral YB showed up in a new Volvo. He sold the home she had given him a few years prior and moved to swanky part of town. This was twelve years ago and he is now broke, exactly as I expected. Mentally I had already "given" him everything, so I didn't expect any inheritance. The only thing that hurt? Mother's preference for a child who did no wrong; I never did anything right in her eyes. If she had only known. But in the long run, not being jealous of YB or expecting any inheritance, etc. has only helped me. God knows. You don't have anything to be ashamed of or to be forgiven for. Forgive, forget, and let go.
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Psyclinz Feb 2020
Daisy9 - please, what do you mean by YB and NH?
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I will be having a similar problem as my 99 year old mother ( she has dementia) just changed her POA and will in favor of my adopted brother. I have decided to walk away from the drama and hurt. I now know nothing of what is happening to my mom, my brother has decided that I am no longer able to visit her and he has basically told me I am not allowed at her 100th Birthday in July. It is not worth the pain as he has already emptied her bank account. All bank accounts are now in his name.
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elaineSC Feb 2020
How far do you live from your mother and did she tell you why she changed her Power of Atty to your brother? Was their not much communication between you and your mother possibly due to your job or distance? I have noticed with some friends and relatives that the one that is around the most, is the one the parent feels will look after them. They may even be wrong in many cases as seen on here sometimes but the elderly lean toward the ones that show interest BEFORE they get helpless.
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Get over it. That's your mom. She most likely cared for her parents -- and cost of care is a fortune. You think caring for your folks is cheap or free...get real. It sounds like nothing went into probate so just get over it. She probably sold the car for the cost of care and that $2,000 will not even last a month.
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worriedinCali Feb 2020
No need to be nasty to someone who is hurting right now.
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You may want to go to the records division and find out if they changed the will. Also, how did your Mom get that through Probate without your signature of forfeiture?? For closure, check the PROBATE office. I received a letter the other day from Probate telling me all probate issues are over but if they could help me with anything or questions, please contact them. Won’t hurt to try. You won’t know how she got around your share unless you do that.
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I haven’t read the whole thread, so I’m sorry if this is a repeat. Where I am, if there were any substantial assets, the executor would have needed to file the will to obtain probate. Any will document left at home would be an old will, not the one that was filed. The executor is named in the document you found. Ask that person (if your mother, on a good day) about probate – it’s easy to make this a value-free question. If a will in these terms went to probate, the executor needs to explain. There may be a good explanation eg there was a house left to x but the car had already gone and there wasn't $2000 in cash left. If probate wasn’t needed, there was very little left in the estate. How much medical care do you get for $2000 anyway?

It is likely that this was a home-made will - lawyers are unlikely to write in specific bequests that may not be there when the testator dies. If so, your grandparents may easily have made more than one - my father got his rewritten many many because it gave him a kick!
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Hold close to your heart everyday the good times you had with your Grandparents and that they wanted to leave you something, if they could, when they passed. Most likely all was needed for their care. What ever, it is all in the past. Let it go, let go of any hurt or anger. Remember the good times. Those are so precious! Money can not buy that.
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I know I already weighed in on this--but I know that people can and do change wills/trusts all the time. We did ours a couple years ago. Told the kids, but didn't tell them how we had distributed the money. If, in fact, there IS any money, if one of us has to go into LTC, it will go quickly.

An inheritance is NOT something to which you are entitled. It is a gift and should be looked on as such. There are a million different reasons why people leave differing sums of money to their heirs. And why a LOT of people write family completely out and have their attorney handle the disposition of funds.

My mom has held "your inheritance" over my head all my adult life. $9K isn't going to make a wave in my life and never would have. But to her and dad, I guess a $50K life insurance policy seemed like a lot.

My 5 kids are all better off than we are, financially. I mean, 3 of them are flippin' millionaires in their 30's and 40's. They DO NOT need the money.

We will adapt/adjust our will as we age. Specific things I have promised grandchildren have been listed and accounted for. Will they want some small figurine in 20 years to remember me by? Who knows.

I inherited nothing from either set of grandparents but a couple of small household items.

My mother has 'promised' her antique bedroom set to no fewer than 4 of the family. It's ridiculous.

I'd learn to let go. I, too, was promised a car...and it is so old and beat up--brother just recently sold it for $500. And I didn't care.

This anger is weighing you down--you need to let it go and just accept that mom is what she is and live with that.
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It's entirely possible those wills weren't the last ones your grandparents wrote. If you want to see the actual legal wills, you'd have to get them from the county where they were filed upon death, if they were filed at all.

If they weren't filed, then there's nothing you can do except just realize that it was a car and a small amount of cash. It was a nice thought, but don't let it drive you nuts. You know your mom was capable of doing this, I suppose, so don't let this bother you anymore than anything else crummy she's done.
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I think for your own peace of mind, I'd catch her in a good state of mind,and read it to her and ask her.unless all your grandparents money went for bills when they passed, which you wont know if you dont ask,she still owes it to you morally. JUST maybe she will want to pay you back if she has it.if she has no clear days,pretends to not know,you might still file a small claims against her estate. If she has no money left,then I guess you will have no choice but to let it go.i feel for you ,I know it's not really about the money, it's about being cheated by your mom,sorry.
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cak2135 Feb 2020
I lost my father 15 years ago, got $32,000, lost my mother 12 years ago, got $5.000, and with selling that house I lived in, I got $13,000. You could have called me a poor little rich girl. I am on disability from a horrible fall nine years ago; I get $1,200 per month from social security plus $270 from an annuity from an insurance company I worked for ages ago. If I watch that cash and keep tabs on my bank account a lot, I should be OK. I could have gotten more from the house that my sister and I sold, but we had work done to it because it needed work plus my mother opened a can of worms by going on one of those reverse mortgages. As soon as Dad had passed, it was time to downsize and consider a nice apartment
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I am sorry for your disappointment in your Mother. We all have clay feet. meaning we all have weaknesses.
My Dad told me that:
"at the end of the day people do whatever they think will help them survive...even though the behavior may seem outrageous or crazy to us"
So your Mother rationalized her dishonesty by telling herself "she was struggling and you were okay".
Its all water under the bridge now. No going back. Now is time to appreciate the love your Grandparents had for you. They loved and remembered you sweetly
And forgive your Mother, for yourself mostly, and her also.
Your Mother has a long hard road in front of her I feel.
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How many years ago was this? If you know how your mother was/is, accept it and practice forgiveness. Holding onto anger hurts you and only you.
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Your mother should have told you what the grandparents wanted you to have. Most likely the the car & money was used as assets to pay for their care. All assets are used before medicaid can be filed. A will dosen't protect assets.
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I am so sorry. I witnessed both parents be victims of their siblings dishonesty in terms of receiving an inheritance. In my father's case both his brother and his nephew forged my grandmother's signature on a will. It came to light because my father had a previous copy and the signature was radically different. My mother felt that he should contest the will but my father refused. He felt that his brother and his nephew would not enjoy the money because of how they received it. He felt that people who treated people poorly would then experience consequences. (what goes around comes around). Well, he ended up being validated. His brother suffered a major stroke which left him bed bound and unable to enjoy the money. His nephew was affected by his father's stroke as well. So I guess what I'm trying to say is look at the situation critically and think about the effect the inheritance had on your mother? Without a doubt it is difficult to rise above a hurtful situation but I think the rewards of doing so are invaluable. If your mother's long term memory is still intact AND you feel the need you could broach the subject with her. Or if there are family members who can provide information about your grandparents deaths and the wills, that may be an avenue to pursue. Maybe your mother needed the money at the time and planned to give it to you at a later date but for some reason it didn't happen .
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She may have had mini-strokes from way before and had dementia way before any doctors ever diagnosed her. Are you the POA ? You could get legal advice.
After my father died, my mother who had dementia and had suffered many mini-strokes before a year later when she had her big stroke,,, she was so angry,,,she threw away all Dad's things without consulting us, his children. It was only by God's Grace that she did not know of his storage space which I found and cleaned out while in the process of getting her into a facility. If you are the POA, you may be allowed to pay yourself legally and get back the value of the car and the $2000. Good luck. Are there any other sibs who were also treated so shabbily? Dementia really IS the demon that you should hold accountable. My mother had no control over it. She was helpless. It changed her into someone we never ever knew.
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My father is in the last stages of dementia. My mom and I are the only ones in my family who go see him daily to help with feeding, comforting, and whatever he needs or wants. It hurt and was frustrating at first, but I realized it was because they not able to cope watching him decline so quickly. Yes, there is an inheritance, but was never something I expected, nor do I think I deserve a larger portion then my siblings. I was able to spend a lot of time with dad, and mom really appreciates having me there. Money and Inheritance after you lose someone isn’t something that should be expected. It will never come close to the feeling of knowing you did all you could to help your parent. I have memories that you couldn’t put a price on. Losing a parent to dementia is so hard already, without the added money drama. It’s easier to come together then argue over material items.
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