I don’t want her here anymore. Thoughts?

Oh my heart breaks for you. This is extremely high stress. Your self care and health are important, too. Sadly, your mom will probably never realize that you are suffering. I think you need to make it clear that you can no longer take care of her in your home. Let her know that your health is fragile and she needs to be in another living environment “in case” something happens to you. Please start the process of self care. You need relief and restoration. Sending a hug and hope to you!🌺

Choose some AL's, and tell her she requires more care than you can provide.
Pick two that she can choose.

thank you for understanding.

I’m sure your mom has no idea you feel this way. You need to tell her that you would enjoy your relationship more if you weren’t living quite so close to one another. Tell her that her comments relating to your granddaughter bother you.

This might, however, not be the best (safest) time for a move for her to more communal living.

Can you start by getting away, yourself, to ease your burnout? You may be happy(ier) to see her when you return.

I think, while difficult as it is to tell her, you need to do it if you want anything to change.

Regarding placing, I think now is fine. Yes there are different variants, and there always will be. But most residents in these senior communities are vaccinated. Yes people can still get sick, but not as bad, if vaccinated.

You need to think of your health too.
Have the talk, be supportive, show some brochures. It's a difficult challenge, but your future is counting on you.

She's not going to 'get it' until & unless you tell her the truth. After 10 years and suffering through cancer, you're done caring for her or anyone else in your home & you need your space back for yourself now. I love you mom, but it's time we live in different homes now. Tell her the truth and take your life back. You're entitled to be burned out and she's either being particularly dense on purpose or she just doesn't understand that she's a burden to you. Either way, it no longer matters. All that does matter is that you get her out of your house & settled into a nice apartment in an ALF for the rest of her remaining time here on Earth. You'll go visit her in the new place and become a daughter again instead of a 24/7 caregiver, and that will be a huge relief!

Just do it. You'll be happy once you're on the other side of this. You have nothing to feel guilty for, either. By caring for her in your home for 10+ years, you've already done more than the vast majority of us!!!

Good luck!

check in to respite care for her and in that period find a place for her. Place her when she leaves respite care. You never know, she might like it.

Be honest when you tell her you need your home and your health back. You don’t say your age, but if your mom is 101…. Bless you, you’ve got to take care of you now.

I hope you’ll gather the courage to talk with your mom. Let her know your love and concern, and also your own need to practice self care and time on your own. You’ve done a wonderful job of caregiving, it’s not wrong to need a change

Stop hinting around to her. If she wants you to tell her it's time for assisted living, then do that.
Tell her that you want her to move to AL because you need to have your place to yourself again after everything you've been through.

I just Re-read your post.

it is my greatest nightmare that my daughter might feel that way about me someday.

Didn’t she take care of you when you were small, when you were helpless and couldn’t walk or feed yourself?

There are some people who would give anything for a couple minutes to have their mom again, who don’t have their mom anymore.

... and then there are the other kind of people.

Isn’t it unfair the way that life can be?

From Jan 2013: "Since I promised my mother I would never put her in a nursing home or assisted living, I just have to put up with it."

From May 2013: "As for finances, I had to retire when my mother moved in. We rent out her home... Of that she gives my 350 a month, however, I use that to pay for cleaning the house (I now have 4 dogs, my 2 and her 2) and my cleaning lady is her renter! So essentially, she is living here for free. I struggle, because I don't get ss yet, and she sits with a huge bank account."

I would have removed my mother from my house if I got cancer. From your past posts, you have struggled having her live with you for years now. I see from one of your earliest posts that you are an only child.

You had to retire early to take care of her, and she is stingy with her money. You know she should be paying you a lot more than she does. Is she still legally mentally competent at age 101? Are you her POA/HCPOA? Does she have a will or trust? Are you the executrix (will) or successor trustee (trust)? Are you the sole beneficiary? Do you have an idea of the value of her estate/trust? I assume you are counting on it as your inheritance?

Are you going to hold yourself to the promise you made to her to never put her in a nursing home? I hope not!

You are not alone in this situation. My mother is 88 and I am 57. I assumed primary care for her roughly 11 years ago. She is driving me crazy. When I first started caring for her I went to a counselor because I just did not understand her at all.... I still don't but I have developed ways of dealing with her. Here's my suggestion. Sit down with her and tell her "Mom, I want what is best for both of us and I can no longer care for you in the way that you need or in the way you deserve. So I think you and I together should look for an assisted living center". It will be hard, but you can do it. I would also advise you to sit down and think about your mother's potential reactions to this. It could go a number of ways and you need to be ready to handle how she is going to react. I would also suggest that you visit a counselor or pastor before you do this. Straight up you need to be honest with her and yourself. A counselor once gave me a great advice tip...... Before anything difficult, write yourself a note and express your feelings about what you are feeling before the event and the feelings you want after the event. In your case. You might write something like "after I get my mother in a better living situation I will not longer feel judged by her" Take this note and hide it somewhere..... after the "dust settles" find the note again an reread it. It might help with how you handled the situation.

I am currently going through a parallel situation, have been caring for mom for 9 years in my home. It’s been my honor as she is a saint, but it’s been stressful as well. Her health has taken a turn and she is in rehab (93 w/mobility issues), and we are seeking assisted living in anticipation of her increased needs. I said for many years that I would NEVER put my mom in a ‘nursing home’, but I can’t quit work, and between health care burnout (work nights in a hospital) and then coming home to more caregiving I’ve decided to be a little selfish. I’m excited that I will enjoy being her daughter again, and the ALF we found is 10 mins from both my brother and myself (and feels more like a resort than an ‘old folks home’). I hope to spend more quality time and will continue caring for her (will do her hair, take care of her toenails and come over for ice cream sundaes!😊). I was consumed by guilt when I first considered this, but common sense tells me I couldn’t keep on in the manner I was w/o compromising my own health. This has been such a great forum with people who ‘get it’, May we continue to support each other with advice and understanding.🙏🏼

Stop hinting. You have the rare blessing of a mother who has actually invited you to be frank with her. You don't have to skew it towards brutality - tell her when you don't want her any more, indeed! - but you can be entirely straightforward. "This is not working for me, I am wearing out, here is the alternative I propose."

Have you got your alternative proposal figured out? Anything stopping you doing that?

Just do it! You don't need anyone's permission. What can she do except get angry, and that should not affect your decision. You already know what the answer is, so take steps to make a change.

Budding in? She may be your granddaughter but she is her great granddaughter. Your mother has no control over where she lives, she has told you to let her know when you can't take care of her. With kindness and respect tell her that you are both too old for this arrangement. Contact a nursing home and talk to them about the issue. Sorry to be a little terse with you but she has feelings too and at 100 years old can not be expected to solve the situation herself.

call in rent a pillow!

And she is not going to understand!! You must get some help from someone! Is your granddaughter old enough to stay with her for a few hours while you get away? Can you afford respite care for her while you have a weekend off? Don't give up your friendships with others. With Covid going on don't over look Zoom groups, especially a caregivers group. Do you have someone who is a friend to both of you? Perhaps she would come over and visit her and you could escape for a few hours.

It has been 11 years and you just feeling resentment now? If you do not have much time left who is going to take care of your mother if you should pass? If you are looking to get the life you already lost, I am a little skeptical that is possible. You mentioned a grand daughter which indicates that there are family members around. Have you discussed your feelings with any of them? It’s sounds as if you need some respite time from your caregiver duties. Is this practical for both of you? You need to reach out to someone, anyone who can help you about this situation and your feelings. Please do it before you are sorry that you did not do it.

This may be a good situation to blame on the doctor. Probably it’s the same doctor as mother. See the doctor, explain how badly you feel, and that it’s more or less impossible for you to tell mother that she needs to go. Get the doctor to decide that mother needs more care than you are able to provide, and in addition that you have hypertension and are at risk of a heart attack or stroke. Or you need to go into hospital for a fortnight for observation, or anything else the doctor can come up with.

That makes it happen for mother without you being to blame. And remember, if it’s not all quite true now, it easily could be true only too soon.

Please do it! Unless mother is one of the lucky ones who passes in her sleep, this is only going to get worse.

Prayers.

She needs to go to an assisted living facility. You don't ask her, you TELL her.

If she is 100, you must be 70 or older, am I right? You had Cancer an I assume got that under control. Assisted living is your only answer. Talk to her Doctor. Blame him/her. You need to start taking care of yourself. I live alone, 74 years and love it. Quit enabling her and get it done while you have a life left to live. She has outlived her life. Good luck!

Oh yow. You resent your mother's longevity. I hope you will move her to a lovely place to live where you -- and she -- will be happier and her every living breath not resented. I hope you are able to live out your remaining years in peace and happiness. And perhaps have inherited your mother's good health genes.

Hi. I hope its okay to respond. I think I can understand a little. Mother and daughter relationships are hard no matter what. Is it possible to have a home care worker or assistant to come take care of her some? Even a day a week might be a break. And they listen to strangers better sometimes. And a good worker could maybe talk her into assisted living.

Ask the facility if you can bring her in for a visit at a time when there is card playing and invite her to play a round or two. This did the trick for my mother. She enjoyed it so much that she decided to move in.

Firstly I am very glad you have found somewhere where you can let things out and be open about how you feel. No one is going to criticise you for that here, and we all have situations we find difficult/impossible and want some space for ourselves.

Please excuse my assumption - but if your Mother is 101 then you are probably past retirement age - to expect you to care for your mother is not reasonable when you have your own health issues.

Telling our Loved ones - IF we still feel that way about them - is very difficult, in someways it is easier for those who care for someone they don't get on with. But your health is a matter your mother has to take on board, and if she cares for you then she should be happy or at least willing to do this.
But she is never going to choose to change what is comfortable for her - you need to tell her that you can no longer cope and that you have health problems of your own that worrying about her is making worse (Sometimes we even have to lie - but we need to look after ourselves, because if our health is compromised too much then we cannot look after them anyway.)

Be open with her and tell her you can no longer cope and need to concentrate on your own health, ask her what would be acceptable to her, and if nothing is then TELL her things have to change and you will make the decisions if she does not want to be involved. You are an amazing person to have looked after her as you have done now it is time to look after you and your younger family for whatever time you have left to enjoy them. You will still visit her if she goes into a facility and they have the skills to look after her, so that you can enjoy your visits - isn't it better to enjoy visits to your mother than to resent her more and more so that you memories of her will be negative when she does pass.

As always, you've received wonderful advice and support here. One other idea, have a plan. Research the best places in your area, and take your mother to visit them. Help her make the best choice, and fill her new home with furniture and what she is familiar with. Tell your mother it's time for a change for both of you.
You've given up so much for your mother, it's clear that you're a selfless person who now needs to have time for yourself, to be a daughter, and to have peace about it.
Wishing you the best!

You’re not selfish at all. You’ve done over and beyond. There’s nothing wrong with wanting your mum to have the right care and caring for yourself (for the first time). Ask yourself, what happens if you become unwell and can’t be there for her? She will have to be placed somewhere, which is not of your choice. If you make the move, you get to choose a nice place for her and your will be secure in the knowledge that she is taken care of. Plus, and this is the good bit, you will get to be a daughter again and do mother-daughter things rather than carer and patient. Don’t miss out on your own grandchildren, you will regret that even more.
I wish you well, and hope you manage to sort something. Remember, sometimes things have to get worse to get better. My heart goes out to you. Look after yourself.

My mother moved in over 3 years ago at 93 when she was afraid to stay alone. She is now 96. After the Covid vaccine in March, we both had bad reactions, so she had to go to ER, then NH. I got asthma and joint issues so I couldn't let her come back. As much trouble as it was with her here, the NH (2) have been a nightmare of falling. She has slammed on her forehead 6 times, sent in for brain scans and xrays every time. (6 in 6 weeks). Finally moved her to memory care and she has gone downhill. I enrolled hospice and physical therapy so there would be additional checks on her. My disgust with the hygiene situations in both places is beyond description. There is no good answer, but sometimes you just have to save your own health.