I don’t want her here anymore. Thoughts?

Oh my heart breaks for you. This is extremely high stress. Your self care and health are important, too. Sadly, your mom will probably never realize that you are suffering. I think you need to make it clear that you can no longer take care of her in your home. Let her know that your health is fragile and she needs to be in another living environment “in case” something happens to you. Please start the process of self care. You need relief and restoration. Sending a hug and hope to you!🌺

She's not going to 'get it' until & unless you tell her the truth. After 10 years and suffering through cancer, you're done caring for her or anyone else in your home & you need your space back for yourself now. I love you mom, but it's time we live in different homes now. Tell her the truth and take your life back. You're entitled to be burned out and she's either being particularly dense on purpose or she just doesn't understand that she's a burden to you. Either way, it no longer matters. All that does matter is that you get her out of your house & settled into a nice apartment in an ALF for the rest of her remaining time here on Earth. You'll go visit her in the new place and become a daughter again instead of a 24/7 caregiver, and that will be a huge relief!

Just do it. You'll be happy once you're on the other side of this. You have nothing to feel guilty for, either. By caring for her in your home for 10+ years, you've already done more than the vast majority of us!!!

Good luck!

I am currently going through a parallel situation, have been caring for mom for 9 years in my home. It’s been my honor as she is a saint, but it’s been stressful as well. Her health has taken a turn and she is in rehab (93 w/mobility issues), and we are seeking assisted living in anticipation of her increased needs. I said for many years that I would NEVER put my mom in a ‘nursing home’, but I can’t quit work, and between health care burnout (work nights in a hospital) and then coming home to more caregiving I’ve decided to be a little selfish. I’m excited that I will enjoy being her daughter again, and the ALF we found is 10 mins from both my brother and myself (and feels more like a resort than an ‘old folks home’). I hope to spend more quality time and will continue caring for her (will do her hair, take care of her toenails and come over for ice cream sundaes!😊). I was consumed by guilt when I first considered this, but common sense tells me I couldn’t keep on in the manner I was w/o compromising my own health. This has been such a great forum with people who ‘get it’, May we continue to support each other with advice and understanding.🙏🏼

Same situation here. Mom is 100 and physically doing very well. I finally had to sit down with her and tell her "I just can't take care of you anymore. I want to do some traveling while I still can and the day-to-day is too much for me". She laid every guilt trip on me within her arsenal (you are kicking me out) but I was so at the end of my rope, I ignored it. I took her to visit multiple types of care facilities, some "not so nice" so when we got to one of the ones I actually wanted her to go to, she picked it herself. She's been there almost a month now and I must say I am shocked at how well she has adjusted. The key for Mom was finding a place where the caregivers are very loving and shower her with hugs. I am still "recovering" from the years of caregiving. I had no idea the toll it took on me. Mom seems happy and I love having my life back. I encourage you to do the same.

Stop hinting. You have the rare blessing of a mother who has actually invited you to be frank with her. You don't have to skew it towards brutality - tell her when you don't want her any more, indeed! - but you can be entirely straightforward. "This is not working for me, I am wearing out, here is the alternative I propose."

Have you got your alternative proposal figured out? Anything stopping you doing that?

From Jan 2013: "Since I promised my mother I would never put her in a nursing home or assisted living, I just have to put up with it."

From May 2013: "As for finances, I had to retire when my mother moved in. We rent out her home... Of that she gives my 350 a month, however, I use that to pay for cleaning the house (I now have 4 dogs, my 2 and her 2) and my cleaning lady is her renter! So essentially, she is living here for free. I struggle, because I don't get ss yet, and she sits with a huge bank account."

I would have removed my mother from my house if I got cancer. From your past posts, you have struggled having her live with you for years now. I see from one of your earliest posts that you are an only child.

You had to retire early to take care of her, and she is stingy with her money. You know she should be paying you a lot more than she does. Is she still legally mentally competent at age 101? Are you her POA/HCPOA? Does she have a will or trust? Are you the executrix (will) or successor trustee (trust)? Are you the sole beneficiary? Do you have an idea of the value of her estate/trust? I assume you are counting on it as your inheritance?

Are you going to hold yourself to the promise you made to her to never put her in a nursing home? I hope not!

You are not alone in this situation. My mother is 88 and I am 57. I assumed primary care for her roughly 11 years ago. She is driving me crazy. When I first started caring for her I went to a counselor because I just did not understand her at all.... I still don't but I have developed ways of dealing with her. Here's my suggestion. Sit down with her and tell her "Mom, I want what is best for both of us and I can no longer care for you in the way that you need or in the way you deserve. So I think you and I together should look for an assisted living center". It will be hard, but you can do it. I would also advise you to sit down and think about your mother's potential reactions to this. It could go a number of ways and you need to be ready to handle how she is going to react. I would also suggest that you visit a counselor or pastor before you do this. Straight up you need to be honest with her and yourself. A counselor once gave me a great advice tip...... Before anything difficult, write yourself a note and express your feelings about what you are feeling before the event and the feelings you want after the event. In your case. You might write something like "after I get my mother in a better living situation I will not longer feel judged by her" Take this note and hide it somewhere..... after the "dust settles" find the note again an reread it. It might help with how you handled the situation.

Choose some AL's, and tell her she requires more care than you can provide.
Pick two that she can choose.

I feel your pain! I'm the middle child of 3 and the responsibility of my 99 yo Mom has been soley on me. I get alot of lip from siblings but no real help. Mom came to live with me when she was 97. When I see LO living past 100 I totally cringe. I know that sounds terrible but I'm so tired after caring for her for only 2 years. I can't imagine doing this for another 3-4 years. Mom lived her life and was free as a bird to do things and go places and have fun when she was my age and beyond. I tell people I've been on lockdown before anyone heard of lockdown. I'm on time constraints. On my shifts if I leave the house I need to be back rather soon to toilet her as she won't allow my husband to do that which I understand. I have someone come in 5 days a week (M-F) for 6 hours a day which I'm grateful for because I am still working a fulltime job but the evenings, nights and weekends are my shifts. I don't look forward to going home and weekends are a drag. I have no privacy, no social life. So I totally get how you feel suffocated and how your life is not your own. I never imagined my life would be what it is. I feel so trapped. Hugs to all the care-givers out there!!

I moved my Mom to another state with me due to frequent falls, dementia worsening at age 89. Mom & I were never close & as she aged she seemed to despise me even more. I don’t know what I was thinking bringing her here, thinking I was doing the right thing & everything would be ok. She was here 2 years, made life miserable. My husband was at his limit, marriage was suffering. I finally told her she couldn’t live her any longer & I took her with us as we visited different long term care facilities & added her to waiting lists to some. She’s nearly 92, she had her usual nastiness for years but now that she rarely speaks, is in her own little world most of the time, it’s sad. I’m glad though she’s there. I think at the time Mom knew she couldn’t stay with me either. I visit her 2-3 times a week, always take her a treat, do her nails, her hair & were close for the first time in my 72 years.
Dont feel guilty for your feelings, you have to do what’s best for both of you. I don’t know your age but at mine, I couldn’t do the minute by minute like the care she gets now.
Prayers that you’ll get support for your decisions.