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I recently and suddenly took on caring for my mom full time. She had a stroke and she is mostly ok, but has speech issues and double vision causing a loss of balance. They started her on lexapro about a week prior to release in rehab but it feels like the facility broke her spirit. She spent a short time there about 2 weeks and left early on the third week. She cried everytime I visited wishing she was home. I finally brought her home the earliest day they'd let me, packed up a months worth of things including my anxious cat and left in the middle of the night driving all night out of state until 5am because the hospital never told me I had to be there a specific time until the day before.


It's only been 5 days home. Every single day she mentions at least once she wishes she died, she feels like shes dying, she wishes shed just have a heart attack or something. She even told the nurse during the initial visit she feels she wishes she was dead because she feels she will never be normal. I broke down at 5am today when she called screaming for me because she was freezing and needed more blankets but again said she wished she would just die and stop bothering me. The blood thinner is taking a heavy toll on her body temperature. I ordered a pager and button system so she doesn't have to scream for me anymore after today. So far I have been able to go out and walk to get food for myself, get groceries when shes sleeping at night and other light errands without her calling me back (yet). I have a camera on her while I'm gone just in case with motion sensors.


Shes already tried to guilt me to staying indefinitely if she isn't able to be alone despite originally crying saying she felt bad for making me quit my job and move back temporarily for maybe a month or two (she begged me because the nurses at rehab were neglectful, not answering calls for hours, rude, etc). I told her we need to get in touch with her regular psychologist to try and make a house visit or something but she feels shes not as understandable as shes is and is embarrassed. I'm scared the social worker or in home rehab people would suggest readmitting which would further her depression so I'm more keen on trying someone she's already worked with prior to the stroke. I honestly feel she just cant accept she won't ever be back to 100% normal. She feels she'd rather die than live less than how she did despite her progress and continued in home therapies.


She is mostly understandable, walks with a walker (under supervision as she's a fall risk), and can do basic self care with supervision. I cancelled my vacation in 2 weeks, but planned another one for August. She asked if I could cancel again if she wasn't well enough to be alone. I said we'd find a temporary solution such as respite which could double as a trial if she felt long term it would be better and she lost it crying about how she wished she died and she cant live like this but calmed down and agreed that I deserve a break and became ok with the idea. Shes always been 100% independent living single and alone my entire life. She dated but was picky. I am her only living family member and I dont know how to take care of her and my mental health long term as I have my own health issues such as allergy shots I had to stop to be here and being immunocompromised with bouts of depression/anxiety. I cant deal with every day being told she wishes she died. Shes never tried to do anything to hurt herself and says she wants to live it's just how she feels. I'm overwhelmed and dont know how to approach this without making it worse.

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This is still a very new situation for both of you. It will take time to adjust for both of you. Start by finding a caregiver support group for yourself. Would mom be eligible for hospice? Check with her doc on that. There would be additional services provided for her and you with hospice in the picture.

Find additional help for mom so you can get some very much needed and important time for yourself to do what you want. This will be easier if you do it early on rather than waiting until you are very burnt out. Do your research now so you have the help she and you need when the time arrives.
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Bubbla Jun 2019
I may have been a little too wordy this is definitely all new to me. She is expected to make a mistake full recovery, shes not terminal in any sense except for her risk of another stroke. I asked the nurse to get us on the list for home care, but she said expect to wait as Medicare takes forever to approve it. Can I go out on my own to contact people/services who accept Medicare or am I stuck waiting on approval?
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I am a firm believer that we can tell our parents to stop. She is not only making you miserable but setting her own recovery back with the constant "I wish I were dead" nonsense.

It is traumatic to have a stroke and it takes a lot of hard work to recover. That is how it is. It can be done, but not with her attitude.

Tell her everytime she spews that garbage to stop or she will need to go to a facility. You can't be driven over the edge and loose your health and wellbeing because she wants a pity party. It is completely selfish of her to dump this on you repeatedly, tell her, enough is enough, get busy getting better or facility bound you are.

What would you say to an 8 year old stuck on this poor me, better dead spiral? It is okay to tell her that she needs to stop and encourage her to get busy with recovery.

I am sorry if that sounds harsh, you matter as much as her and I have little patience with the I wish I was dead record.
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Medicare will only pay for it if the doctor prescribes it. Has the doc provided a list of agencies? You can certainly research agencies for help but, again, it will be self pay unless the doc prescribes it.
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I'm obviously not an expert, but the wishing to be dead should be taken seriously. My dad committed suicide. All he had said to me when he didn't recover from a fall was "This isn't much of a life". People often try to hide their suicidal plans. However, your mom is being quite vocal about her distress and that might indicate she is not actually going to harm herself. In any case she needs more help than you can provide, especially a mental health professional. Can you get her to one? The physical healing will be easier if she can focus on it with a positive attitude.
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