I can't care for Alzheimer’s husband another day. I don’t know what to do or where to go.

Burnout is pretty much inevitable. Hiring respite care in-home helps but has minimal carryover when you come home. After four years, I am convinced most of us aren't wire for the verbal abuse that seems inevitable. One-on-one, particularly spousal caregivers are doing the right thing but maybe for the wrong reasons. My wife does best in a communal setting like our Bible study and worship on Sunday. I just enrolled her in a daycare arrangement and, if she doesn't balk over my leaving her there i the mornings, I think she will quickly come to enjoy the group activities. We took a couple of short visits there and she lit up each time as she went from person t person expressing her love for them as if she had known them all her life. She even does that to strangers in the grocery store. To repeat, most spouses are doomed to burnout and even disrespect which exacerbates the problems. Find a communal setting if your husband is not physically unable to attend.

Hi Pamela. I am so sorry you are feeling frazzled and desperate for a break. And definitely no judgment...it seems you have reached a burnout point. I am sure you will receive helpful input from others here on the forum. Hang in there, take a deep breath, and be safe on the highway as you sort things out. Maybe take a stop and get a really good meal for yourself? That bit of self-care may help you breathe a bit and think about the next steps. Sounds like you are in need of rest and a team of people to help you care for your husband. Or it's time to consider a facility. Prayers lifted for you.

I’m so sorry your burnout has come to this. Instead of telling your adult children they must come provide care, let them know you cannot carry on as it’s been and you need their help for a new plan for care, either professional help in home or their dad moving to where professional help is available. This is crisis time for you both and care for you both is essential. Find a quiet hotel and spend a few days decompressing and healing. I wish you peace

Don’t dump this on your children. You don’t want the problem, so what makes you think it’s OK to dump a problem you don’t want, on your children?

If he needs urgent help, please call APS; don’t just drive away and abandon him.

But this is the. "for worse" part of the wedding vows.

I'm sorry you've hit the wall, I've been there done that. Are your family close enough to be able to step in over the weekend? Do you have a case worker you can call?

Pamela, take a deep breath.

You have been married to a controlling and abusive man for a long time.

Yes, you need to leave, but this is NOT your kids' problem.

Have you spoken to a lawyer? (I think some of us may have advised that in the past).

Call the local (to him) police and ask for a wellness check. Tell them that you have a family emergency or health emergency of your own to attend to (you do).

If police find DH needs attention they will take him to ER for a "social admit".

Find yourself a quiet hotel room and take stock of your next steps.

Hi. Been there done that. You’re scared. You’re running away. However it won’t work. You know you have to go back. I dont know where you live but you need to start with a good GP for help with your anxiety and depression. The GP should also be able to give advice on seeking more help with ur husband Tell your children help is needed. Be firm. Get help in finding all the support you and your husband are entitled to. Actively start telling yourself to sweep away the feelings of anger resentment I know this sounds corny but I recently started a daily spiritual meditation ap called Encounter. Also a great app called Bible one of the first thing I heard was “ Give your troubles to God”. I was sceptical but as soon as I think this I feel better. They have many plans to help your mental state. My husband has been in permanent care for nearly 4 yrs now with FTD and I was soooo pissed off with him because he was always demanding and passive aggressive but in hindsight I see that all the signs were there from the start I recently downloaded some books which I listen to in the car and at night. Mindfulness for Worriers and Cognitive thinking and The Power of Positive thinking. All these things together have helped me be more gentle in my interaction with my husband. I hope you can start getting him into respite care the full time care soon.

Time for husband to move into a facility. If this can't happen then divorce him and move out. Sorry you are suffering because of your husband's abuse. The Alzheimer's only made it worse.

I don’t know what it’s like in America but even with Alzheimer’s here in Australia if he had struck you or attacked you, you call the police and he will be removed from the home. You say you won’t have him back because you fear for your safety. He would be taken to an adult mental health ward where he would be reassessed and stay there till full time alternative care is found for him. Can you do this?

Pamela, use this time to seek calm and reflect on your next step. While you are away, check out facilities where he could be placed. Then after some restorative time, choose one and move forward to get him there.

Have you ever heard of Morita therapy? Its principles are knowing what is controllable and what is not controllable, and seeing what is so without attachment to expectations. Feelings are acknowledged but not always acted upon. It emphasizes focusing on the full scope of the present moment and deciding what needs to be done. Three useful steps are acknowledging feelings, determining your purpose, and then taking steps to reach your goals. This would be a good time for you to study Morita's teachings.

I am so proud of you for taking steps to get away from this horrible situation. Stay strong and refuse to care for him anymore. You deserve better.

Try to calm down. I have those hard days with my ex living here. I go somewhere alone and have a good cry...until my eyes burn.

Then I come home and pretend I'm fine. I know how overwhelming, frustrating and heartbreaking it is to see this, and be forced to deal with it. Especially if you have a heart.

Start working on placing him. I've been doing it 18 months, and finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I'm crying for you right now. I GET IT.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/this-is-a-very-difficult-question-to-ask-and-i-hope-you-all-wont-be-too-hard-on-me-472201.htm

Looks like u have not posted since Jan 2022 and since things were not so good then, they probably are really bad now.

Why have you not placed him? I am sure on one of ur previous posts someone didn't recommend that you see an Elder lawyer to get assets split with DHs split going to his care and then applying for Medicaid when his share runs out.

You need a break and maybe time for the kids to step in. Then you need to get ur husband placed.

Just want to say, please read Pams previous posts. This is her first one since Jan 22. She is caring for a man who was abusive before his diagnoses. They separated and she took him back because of her "vows" and he was worse, then...he was diagnosed with ALZ. I can only imagine what she is going thru the last 18 months.

Your marriage vows don't mean you need to put up with abuse. They also say "to cherish". I doubt that God wants one of his children abused in any way.

Leave and let the children call APS.

Go wherever sounds nice to you and check into a hotel and sleep. Maybe the beach or some mountains. You need and deserve this. Maybe a spa hotel.

OP:

Your husband abused you. I understand you want to leave.

BUT your husband has dementia. He can’t be left alone. It’s cruel to drive away and leave him alone, WITHOUT setting up a plan first. You must call APS. Don’t dump the mess on your kids.

I’m very sorry for what you have been through.

Just want to say that this isn’t your children’s problem. Call APS, not your kids. They don’t have to put up with any of this.

OP is an abused woman. Her actually getting the hell out of there is a good thing. Her adult children can call whomever they need to, to get dad committed. Perhaps a wellness check from the police from them is in order. Why do we baby adult children? Since OP was married over 40 years they should be at least in their thirties or forties by now. Certainly old enough to call 911 about dad being alone or APS even. I believe OP posted before about son just not caring about doing anything to help her out. OP should call 911 from the road or APS or some emergency hot line about it. Even a woman's shelter may be of assistance to her.

Pamela, are you still with us?

Pamela, I support you. Are you having any feelings of killing yourself? Please reach out to us and let us know if you have a plan or if you are in danger. My brother killed himself so I know what it’s like to go through this. Please don’t kill yourself. We can help you find solutions, though it may take some time.

Is there a domestic violence hotline you can call in your area? They usually have shelters available for women who are in a dire situation like yourself and need a place to stay. You also sound like you'd benefit greatly talking to a trained DV counselor to guide you through the steps you need to take to remove yourself from this situation safely.

There are several issues at hand, which not having full clarity on, may or may not be relevant: If you have been the sole caregiver of your husband, he has been in your charge since you took him back, you are responsible for his welfare. To have just packed up and left like you did reflects elder abuse/negligence on your part. He has Alzheimer's, that means right now he's the vulnerable one left at risk. Again, I don't know who has POA, but you being his sole caregiver needed to have a safety strategy in effect to exit without leaving loose ends like you did. This is where talking to a DV counselor/family law attorney would've covered you. Some DV agencies have attorneys on staff you can speak to if you're unable to afford an attorney for yourself for further legal guidance. Like Venting Is Back said, the police can now hold you liable and charge you with elder abuse for abandoing your husband, especially if something should happen to him while you're away. And what makes you think your adult children have the tools to handle their abusive father? Your children were exposed to the same abuse as you endured and are carriers of their own trauma. Dumping this abusive man on them is not the answer. Was their a conversation with them leading up to leaving? Otherwise, they'll be blindsided and under prepared to mitigate your marital problems on top of Alzheimer's.

Yes, it's important to leave an abusive situation, but you have to have a PLAN in place to protect yourself and make sure this man can't harm you ever again. The way you've left things, because of his Alzheimer's, you have to remove him from your care before you can make any permanent decisions for yourself. That means you have to no longer be LEGALLY responsible for him. This is a huge liability.

What you could have done was called the police during your husbands volatile behavior and explained to dispatch of his current mental state, in fear of your safety, his size/weight, how despite trying to calm him you're unable to diffuse the situation, he's not responding to you, you're scared he's going to do bodily harm to himself and you...he has history of violence, his Alzheimer's is making him behave erratically, etc. That way YOU get an emergency protective order started, he gets removed and placed under psych evaluation, the hospital takes over and you make it clear you're done caring for him.

Emotions are running high, and I get that. You needed out. You're finished. Everyone here is trying their best to support you within this limited capacity....But please, PLEASE, call a domestic violence hotline and TALK to trained professionals. You need much more than a sounding board here to vent.

Hugs to you. Lots of them. I wish I had a magic wand to make this all right. I understand your urge to bolt.

I am here to tell you exactly what to do. Screw the system, leave never come back tell your adult kids to call APS and tell them they have no clue where you are or how to contact you. Let the man rot in a facility. By no means do you go back to deal with this, your mental health is more important and I am sure your kids will understand.

The system will just drag this out force you to deal with the situation longer than you should given your mental health. F him. My mom was in a similar situation my father had alcohol related dementia and he was an abusive POS. I covered for her after she had a break down, and dealt with placement and shit. Good kids will do this for their parent. Go be free it sucks, and took time but my mom is much happier.

So OP is back home. Please start making arrangements to get your husband out of your home. This includes calling the police when he becomes violent and then not taking him back.

Pamela, thanks for responding.

I'm so glad that your "kids" now know how desperate you are, and how unsafe you feel.

I think the best idea would be to call 911, tell them that you are being threatened (not "feel"--ARE--unsafe and that DH needs to be kept until he can be placed.

Have you spoken to a lawyer about splitting your assets?

(((Hugs)))

Lock yourself in a bedroom with a self defense weapon. Trust your intuition if you think he might kill you. BELIEVE THAT. I’m sensing a tragedy and I have psychic abilities. I’m VERY VERY worried about you.

I’d still call the police. Get a paper trail on this man. You fled for your safety, report him get him committed tonight. He is a danger to others.

I am SO RELIEVED!!! to hear from you, as I'm sure others are as well. Thank you for checking back in.

I'm glad your children are helping you, but you need the help of professionals to make sure you are safe and not liable for your husband.

If you need to call the police, stick to the facts and keep emotions out of it as much as possible. Police take DV calls very seriously. You can always discuss your feelings with a therapist, or come back here and vent. Please don't feel like you're trapped. Keep yourself safe as much as you can until your husband is placed under professional care. Make sure to keep your mobile phone charged and on you. If you need to call the police from your mobile phone, be sure to tell them you're not on your landline and location of where you're calling from. Sometimes calls from mobile phones take longer to get through vs calling on landline, but don't hang up!!

I hope you can check back and keep us posted. Sending you gentle hugs your way.....

Adding onto my recent response to SouthernWaver…

Parents need to raise their daughters to know that they must look after their own well being and never accept abuse of any kind.

I realize that most people who marry a person truly want to stay married and live in harmony with their spouse. That only makes sense if they are in a healthy marriage.

Sometimes, circumstances change in a relationship and people must look into alternative arrangements.

I am thankful that I raised my daughters not to be anyone’s doormat. They have expressed their gratitude to me for teaching them to value themselves.

Gone are the days when women should feel as if they have to be submissive to a man for the rest of their lives. Today’s young women are taught to be independent and not to solely rely upon a man for their needs.

No one should ever be abused. Abuse is abuse, whether it is physical or psychological abuse and should never be tolerated.

I am all for healing and reconciliation when a marriage is worth saving. If the marriage is over, it is best to accept that it isn’t a good marriage.

A separation or divorce shouldn’t be seen as a failure. It’s an unfortunate event that occurred during your lifetime.

People do recover from bad relationships and usually end up finding true love in the future with someone who is worthy of their love.

Pamela: IMO, this is a situation for professionals. On a purely practical level, husband MIGHT behave somewhat more "rationally" around your adult children but ONLY until Monday when APS and/or the police and his doctor need to be involved. (If he becomes violent towards the kids, it is then an immediate police matter.) If the above is a workable temporary solution, the potential issue of vulnerable-person "abandonment" is resolved for the present. In any event, it is time to find placement for this abusive man. He may need medication once he is placed, but the doctor can determine that. He is out of control and is a danger to you--a fact you now recognize to your absolute credit.