My mother-in-law moved in a year and half ago when my sister-in-law told my husband he needed to step up. We have a two bedroom home and our daughter is currently living in our bedroom so that MIL can have her own space. We as a couple have no space or privacy. Our daughter has no space to call her own. My MIL is very healthy 74 year old with her own car, but still wants me to drive her to the store, doctors’ appointments etc. She's on social security, $1,200 a month and for the first year she paid nothing to live here straining our finances. My husband finally asked her to pay some rent. She only pays 200 a month citing credit card bills as her reason. We have discussed getting a bigger home to accommodate her but the extra cost of 800 to 1000 a month is unaffordable for us with only 200 from her. She's very nice and does dishes occasionally. I honestly can't take having no space or privacy. I did agree to let her stay here believing that we could get a bigger place, but that is now of the table and I feel it's rude of her to continue to live her knowing that our daughter needs her room back. Help! I’m at my wits end with this living situation.
Mom is not old. She can still do for herself. There are Hud apts that only require 30% of her SS. She would pay $360 leaving her $640. She can get Medicaid for her heath insurance. Go to the food bank to help with food and food closets. An antenna for tv and stream. Food stamps. If getting help, she can get a government phone and minutes.
Its not working. If she can drive, she can take herself shopping and shop for the foods she likes that u should not provide. Buy her own toiletries and clothing. You cannot afford to care for her. She will get more help if she is on her own. She should see if she qualifies for supplemental income (SSI) thru Social Service.
I hope you can move MIL out, but if you don’t, think about daughter and MIL sharing a room. You’re treating MIL like a queen, and if you stopped doing that, MIL might get herself gone. Start crowding her out.
Was SIL paying for everything, found herself her Mother's maid?
Tells her brother I'm DONE. Your turn. Dumps her on the lawn.
You thought, OK I'll give it a go.. how bad could it be..? Get a bigger house for all of us.. but no. You (& maybe your daughter & DH too) are the new maids.
I don't actually see why SIL has to now chip in.
I see this is as no-one clearly talking to each other. Just moving the problem around without looking for solutions.
I'm not sure if MIL is like an entitled Queen, wanting the red carpet & servants.. or is a never fully independant type.
Either way. Mom has the right to have a a life, have a retirement. But she needs to fund it. She needs to find a new home & build up her social connections. Take on the responsibility for her own life now.
I suggest a Family Meeting where everyone LISTENS to each other.
Then work as a team to find a housing service for older women to help re-house Mother.
You will need to tell everyone that is not working and that mother in law needs to move out.
Maybe mother in law needs to go to counseling about fear of living alone .
And you and your husband go to marriage counseling because he is allowing this situation to impose on your marriage and your daughter . He needs to man up and tell his Mom to go .
Good luck .
I am so sorry this is happening to your family. Tell MIL you made a mistake and want to help her find her own place. You owe it to your daughter and yourself. Be careful not to blame it on your daughter. It is no one’s fault but your MIL. Really the SIL has some nerve.
Is this a cultural situation where the son is expected to care for his mom? We have had a couple of threads on here where that was the case.
The hard conversations have to happen. Kids have a hard enough time these days. Stand firm.
Oh, hang on.. I can't find he DID offer.
".. my sister in law told my husband he needed to step up."
What needs to happen is to give your MIL a 60 day notice to move somewhere else, like section 8 housing or back to SIL.
Your MIL could live another 20 years or more, my mother will turn 99 in February.
Think is this how you want to spend the next 20 years of your life caring for your MIL?
Your daughter deserves her own space, do something now before more resentment starts, your daughter will carry her childhood into adult hood.
Nor do you have an aging care problem, as your MIL is perfectly capable of living on her own and taking care of herself.
What does that leave us with?
A marital problem.
I suggest marriage counseling. You do not mention what sort of discussion you did before this move in by a capable woman in her 70s. So I can't know. But so far EVERYTHING is being done wrong, including how she pays you. Her giving you 200 a month for rental means she currently lives there. You do understand that? And would need to be evicted should you choose to do so. Were you instead to have an elder law attorney draw up a "shared living expenses" contract you would not have to report the funds to the IRS and she would be sharing costs of housing, food and etc as well as have expectations for living conditions written out, and time periods for evaluating whether this is working for ALL of you, or not.
Multi-generational living? Nope. More of a tossed salad.
I would seek marriage counseling now with your husband. And realistically I would begin to figure out division of finances for a legal separation, and be figuring out where you will seek employment to support yourself. Just in case.
See All Answers