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My advice would be to set aside what is "reasonable" and "unreasonable", because those labels are so dependent on the situation. Your husband and you want different things, for different reasons, and you are BOTH entitled to feel those feelings and want those things. It's also reasonable for you both to make two different decisions, based on your values. You want to make sure your mom is cared for and that you and your son can spend as much time with her as possible - that's a reasonable desire, for you. Your husband wants his space and to reduce your mother's impact on his own life. That is also a reasonable desire, for him.

But "staying as we are" is no longer an option for your husband, and since this does involve his living situation and finances as well as yours, his needs have to be considered, too. He's been essentially financing your mother's care (and sharing his wife's attention and his home) for 5 years, and he can choose to stop doing that. As others have said, marriage counseling may help you two find a compromise that gives you both MOST (probably not all) of what you want. Are there outside-the-box options that sound weird but may make you happier? For example, a drastic one that comes to mind: could you get a second small apartment where you take care of your mother (or where your husband lives to have his own space, I suppose that would work too?)? It would be a separation of your family, yes, and expensive, yes, but less expensive probably than paying for a facility. Could this be offset by YOU being paid to be your mother's caregiver (some states do this?) It's just an example that would obviously have its own downsides (or be financially a non-starter), but I can't say what you and your family could make work.

Maybe there won't be any reasonable way to compromise, but maybe there will be. If there isn't...then yes, you might just have to accept that your husband is no longer willing to support you the way he has for the past 5 years, and figure out what to do next. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong - the fact is that sadly this is exactly the type of issue that can and does break families apart sometimes just because they don't agree on how to live.

From what you say, you know what you're getting into regarding how your mom's condition will deteriorate - so take care of yourself and think of your own future, as well. Your desire to care for your mom to the best of your abilities is admirable, but what you are describing is absolutely something that involves spending resources (financial, social, mental) that may not be replenished by the time you yourself need care.
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Debstarr53 Feb 2022
Best answer I've read so far.
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As someone who was thrown into full-time caregiving for my mother-in-law with no medical training and no preparation, I can tell you that it takes a huge toll on your marriage. I made vows to my husband, not his family. My mother-in-law never took care of herself and when she had a stroke, we found out she had multiple medical conditions that she didn't share with my husband (her only son) and never managed. When the stroke happened, we also found out she had no savings and no plan for her retirement outside a few thousand dollars. My husband and I "agreed" I would stay home until we figured things out. I say "agreed" because there was really no choice. Either I took care of her or... there was no other option since he's an only child and none of his "close" family members offered any help. Her stroke was back in July 2021 and we are just now getting things settled with Medicaid. We've made the decision to move her into a skilled nursing facility because her needs are increasing and her health is declining.
I understand you want your mom to be close to you, but you have to consider your marriage. I would never ask my husband to take care of my parents, especially after having to be a caregiver myself. It's a good thing that you aren't burnt out (I am BIG TIME) but your husband wanting his own space and house back is not a bad thing.
I do hope you can reach a solution that works for everyone. It is not an easy decision; I just know from my own experience that if my husband tried to force me to keep taking care of his mom while she got worse and worse, I would end up incredibly bitter.
It seems like there is a real choice for you to make because it doesn't sound like your husband is going to change his mind or let you of the hook here.
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I agree with you. The husband needs to deal with it for now. I have been to the best of the best. Those that say their parent is in a top of the line place are blind. My experience with top of the line is lost hearing aids and glasses. Oh gee no one looked under the bed. The worse things I have seen. Mother in law pushed on the bed because she wss not tired. Pooped bedpan in with dirty laundry. Family members being told not to visit. I could go on. I am so glad we decided to keep my mother in law with us until she died. I took care of mom until she passed. Now my dad. Cherish the time. Loosing a parent is devastating.
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ThomasY Feb 2022
KaleyBug, you say: "Those that say their parent is in a top of the line place are blind."
I would say:
"Those that say their parent is in a top of the line place are ignorant".
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I understand you. My sister (with a 17yo s old son) is in the same situation as you. Similar except my sister doesn’t have the experience that you do. My sister put her foot down with my brother in law. My nephew (their son did the same). I understand what people say you married your husband BUT… marriage is a partnership with respect and plenty of consideration. You need this time with your mom (this is not forever) and you will live with this for the rest of your life. Your husband SHOULD understand this if he truly loves you. When my in laws got sick.. I supported my husband and pushed him to care for his parents because I want him to have peace and have no regrets. Now it’s my turn with my parents and my husband is so supportive - physically emotionally mentally and financially. Early on I told my husband this is not forever, this is primarily my decision that I have to live with so give me that peace and support and please don’t put me in a situation where I have to choose between my sick parent or you because I will without a doubt choose my sick parent. I only have one parent and I certainly will not turn my back on them for a spouse that is not considerate or supportive. You used to work and he is able to work because you took care of your child. If he doesn’t see that… sorry to say good riddance and let’s split our assets 50-50.
I also agree with you about MC. It’s not for everyone. But I personally think it only works for few people because ‘ it’s out of sight and out of mind’ for them. I spoke to a number of people who worked in MC at different levels and it’s all not good. Nothing is better than having a private one on one caregiver at the comfort of your home. Prayers to you. I would keep your mom and your son. ❤️🙏
ps.. it’s also your house and space not just his (your husband).
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bundleofjoy Feb 2022
i like your answer!!

hug!! peace to you too.
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Good advice here: your marriage should come first UNLESS your husband is a selfish, thoughtless person about everything. There is a line beyond which you should not expect to continue caregiving, and it sounds the arrival of that is at hand. A very tough dilemma: remember that the middle-aged & young still have a life to live.
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You should probably visit some Memory Care units., I have been impressed by their programs.
I would also suggest That you look at hiring someone to be with your Mom when your husband comes home so the two of you can share some quality time or even go out to dinner.
You also may want to join a support group.
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This is a terrible and heartbreaking situation for all involved. However, I will be 89 and during my lifetime I have dealt with people who have dementia and I can tell you honestly from everything I have seen and heard, when they are kept at home with other normal people, everyone will be affected. They are NOT normal and they never will be or can be and they will get worse. I personally believe they belong where they are loved and cared for but NOT in someone's home. Yes, there are people who can and do handle this and do it well but not everyone is made that way. And if those people do not want their lives destroyed and uprooted, you have to take action. I think she has had her life and is now having dementia and you could put her close and go and visit her, etc. You are lucky your husband was able and willing to tend to you as he did for so long. He should not be forced to feel her effects. Unless you have a home that you could completely separate - one for the family and one for her, you are stuck. The two should NOT be together and if you persist, I see you losing everything and then what? No mother. No husband. No father. Please see I think he has valid points. I could not deal with dementia - I have been too horribly burned by those that had it and I would never ever allow that to happen again - they go - at once.
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You are being selfish and self-centered. My mother lived with me for 17 months. Sleepless nights, not being able to go downstairs or to the bathroom without one of us sitting with us. Let alone going out or dinner without arranging evening sitters. Your husband and marriage comes first. My husband supported me in my decision to bring her into our home. However I knew when it was time for a change. She is in a beautiful MC facility and they take care of her. I visit every day mostly, they know me and know I am a regular. So your siblings should step up and share in the cost to place her in a MC facility. Your mother has lived her life and deserves to be taken care of properly but not at the expense of your marriage and family, if you love your husband and child. Get off your high horse or is there some other guilt going on.
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AuntSu Feb 2022
Wow. Very insensitive way to answer a sincere question.
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After reading all the replies, let me just say this: not all marriages are happy ones, and instead of being down on the daughter, I wonder if the husband truly loves his wife? I have a marriage that is kept together only for financial reasons. Added to say not all marriages are meant to last.
She needs to do what her heart tells her. May she find the answer and have peace.
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PeggySue2020 Feb 2022
Her entire lifestyle depends on her H financing it, which the hub is ok with doing for her and the kid. Not the MIL.

With a NYC divorce, OP will face loss of health insurance for herself. If the homestead is actually an SFR in Brooklyn, it will have to be sold so as to split the assets. Her child will likely shuttle on a 3/4 alternating night schedule between the parents. A vocational evaluation will determine what her realistic earnings potential is, which will be calculated in any settlement. In other words, she'll have to work. The more "picky" mom then gets about not liking aides or a day program, the more likely she gets kicked out AND THEN OP has to deal with putting her in a home.

Meanwhile, the H is some tech guy that actually gets paid to travel a lot? I've known senior developers at Adobe that don't even have company-paid iPhones, so this guy is kinda up there. With this traveling and work interaction, he comes into contact with plenty of women as successful as he is. Who won't come with OP's demands if he wants to have more children--or just get out.
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See counseling. No one has that right to tell someone to put their Mother away. Your right to care for her as long as you can handle it. Prayer changes things
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LoopyLoo Feb 2022
Placing mom in a good facility is not “putting her away”.
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I signed up to answer. I am caring for both my parents at the same time, and they choose to be at home not in a facility if at all possible. It is a challenging task, I am one of the main caregivers and spend many hours helping them. My husband is without me a lot, and my family has suggested many times to quit and place them.
My husband does not come second, I love him dearly but my family and he have to understand I will do everthing I can to be close to them and honor them, your time is limited with your mom and this time is precious. You will probably have to go against the crowd, I see some that do not understand your heart and stand up for your mom and yourself and have no regrets. My husband is a big boy like yours and he will survive, sounds tough but as my pastor taught sometimes we have detours in our life, not always a straight line to where we think we should be doing or have, because of this detour you are making precious memories with your son and mom, so I say your husband has to put on his big boy pants and when you feel its time to place your mom you will, but until then savor the time and journey with her and if he wants to join you then great. My husband is mostly ok but sometimes I get angry words like its time for you to move in ... my dad is 88 on dialysis and stepmom has a trac and feeding tube, time goes fast and I am going to do what I am going to do, there choices are not always pure so God Bess you. David had a caregiver, hopefully your son if needed will stand up for you some day.
sandy
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MJ1929 Feb 2022
What does your pastor say about honoring your marriage vows?

I'm truly interested to know.
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Is he fine with how you will feel towards him, if you place her, and that he forced you? He should be sensitive to this.
Being forced to do something like that is not so simple. It is your mother and you love her, and obviously you have an excellent relationship with her. The only one suffering is him, because, he doesn't have his space, because you pay less attention to him??
Are you neglecting other responsibilities that your role in this family requires?
Maybe he could get involved a bit more and help you out?
Unfortunately life is not always how we want it, and sometimes it gets interrupted.
He needs to understand that you need to do this, and he should be a loving, considerate, sensitive, compassionate husband/man to you.
I know it's hard but we all sometimes have to go through challenges in life and sometimes we have to just face them for awhile, it is a growing experience for all involved and it's not forever.
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What does your son really think of having Grandma in the house? What will he think in a year or two or five? I ask this because I raised my daughter in a similar situation and at 9-10 years old she was fine with everything. Two years later she resented it. She resented it because I started missing important events (sports, concerts, watching her do something silly, etc.) because Grandma’s care needs required my attention. She resented it because her friends were uncomfortable coming over to our house with that scary old lady—even though we explained to the children the situation. She resented it because we couldn’t do anything on the spur of the moment. Everything required advanced planning as my mother needed someone present at all times. Every patient with mid-stage or beyond dementia needs 24-hour care. I started resenting my Mom because I kept sacrificing my daughter to take care of my mother’s needs. When my daughter was grown up, I asked her what she thought of her childhood. She said : “I love Nana, but I would never do that to my children.”

There are excellent care homes out there. I know this for a fact as my mom is in one. I can pop in any time and the owner is excellent at communicating. I also know there are excellent care homes out there as I used to be in the senior care industry and have visited over 1,000 memory care and ALs across the country. Before you turn down your husband check out the care homes in your area. The Alzheimer’s Association is an excellent resource.
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Ballpark Feb 2022
Great response.
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Wow, I am shocked at how rude and cold a lot of the answers are here. I'm in another group for this same topic and people NEVER answer as calous as most of the replies I have seen here. I'll never ask a question here. In response to your question, I can see both sides, but I understand your wanting mom with you completely. I took care of my mom for 9 months. Her dementia just got so bad that she thought I was stealing from her and that I had people who were going to hurt her. I love my mom with all my heart and I did not want to place her anywhere. I worked in a nursing home and I know you get bad workers in with the good. I wanted to make sure mom was well taken care of. Finally, it just was not a healthy situation for her or me and I checked different memory care units out. I went online also and looked up their state records, and found a very nice buliding not that far from the town she was living in. She adjusted beautifully and did far better than she did with me. She made friends and goes to activities. I could not believe how she actually blossomed with people her own age. I prayed about it and I give God the credit for working it out, but it's food for thought. Praying everything works out for the best for all of you. It's a very hard place to be in.
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Would your husband be willing to go to counseling with you and talk it over with a non biased counselor? I have to say, the paying the bills comment was hitting below the belt and while I certainly understand his point of view, using that kind of leverage can really breed resentment on your part that he may be sorry for later. There can be a lot of joy in being a caregiver, especially since you know what you are doing. Maybe a compromise can be worked out so your husband has a greater sense of privacy again, or respite care arranged for more often so you and your husband can have more alone time together. Anyway, God bless you as you walk down this road of trying to love your mom and please your husband at the same time.
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Ballpark Feb 2022
Why was it hitting below the belt? He’s been paying the bills for 5 years while having his space invaded.
Why should he NOT have a say on what happens in the home he pays for?
I see a man who stood up for himself and a wife who wouldn’t have it. He’s not allowed an opinion in the home he pays for. That is ridiculous and controlling. If anyone is being unfair, it’s the person ignoring her spouse’s pleas for space in the home he pays for then trying to make him out to be the bad guy for standing up for himself. Talk about breeding resentment…
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My husband and I lived with my mom for 8 months and then we looked for a AL with MC. We toured and researched the reviews Mom is happy and content in her place. She is more socialized than when she was with us. She is eating well and I am not “on” all the time which was a problem that I was unable to put aside to just be with my husband. I heard everything and included mom in everything. We knew we were obedient to God’s plan because we prayed about my mom and living with her was the correct thing…at.the.time. I am grateful for the wonderful facility that mom is in. It is small, she likes it and the food is good. When she gets confused, she is redirected and gently helped. I have Blink cameras in her room and Alexa show for drop in calls and a cell phone in the event the wifi is down. I have the cell phone answer automatically and blocked all calls that are not in her contact list so she doesn’t get robo calls. I recently hired a person to shower her and apply lotions. She has a small frig and I keep Ensure in it for those times she is not interested in eating and Propel water so she is enticed to drink. I am now her daughter and advocate and my husband is happy too! Mom does go to events in her facility but is more of an observer. I take her out for mani pedis, eye and dental appointments. I talk to her daily but it is better now that I am not the only caregiver. It takes a village and I pray that God’s best plan for mom is that He takes her home without her living through the stages of incontinance and dreadful fears.
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bundleofjoy Feb 2022
you sound like a wonderful daughter :) :).
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I feel for you. My mother who lives with me because she lost all mobility, mentality. She is on her last stages of dementia, she is fading away from me.

I am very lucky to have my girlfriend who will become my wife here in 4-5 months she helps me in every way with my mother from changing, feeding and spending time with her.

However.. nothing will come in between me and my mother. Ohh, we had our rough patches and not my mother involvement but I told her, she does not have to do this, she can leave, ill understand..

I will not lie.. I thought of having my mother placed in a facility here in Dallas, Texas. Yes, I heard the horror stories too.. MC facilities just suck, my mother will be just a number.

We did respite care while my future wife and I went out of town. We placed her in a facility for 5 days. OMG. I told my lady, if we placed her here she would just treble up and die. Cold, lonely room. I took her out of there. She is now in the best care facility DFW can offer. She gets 100 percent care and love and kisses and she hears I love you constantly.. That facility is my house.

But you are in a different situation. Do you have family members that can help? I dont.. no family members lift a finger, so I don't lift a care if they fade away of my life.

Ok, if you don't then you're in a tough, tough pickle. Is your husband so selfish that he won't see the damage he will cause you mentally? How does he think after he evicted your mother that life will go back to normal? Maybe he don't care..

You just say no to his demands. Maybe you're afraid to see who he really is..
The courts will be on your side in this matter, they'll see him your husband as selfish and will not be nice to him..

I am sorry of your situation.

P.s.. my future wife has a sister who is mentally retarded who is just a younger version of my mother now. She also needs complete caring like my mother does.
My future wife's mother who is 83 years old is the one caring for that girl. Her mother will pass away at some point given the age but she's healthy but no matter. She's 83.
Anoway. There's a good chance, she might come live here at my house when her mother passes away. The wifes younger sister has been elected to take her, she's already indicated as soon as her mother dies, she's placing her at a facility, my wife won't stand for that.

so I'll better remember what my wife is doing, I won't be a cold SOB when that time comes.
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I don’t think your husband is being unreasonable or selfish, that is what our culture says to us if we don’t go along.

If it was his mother and he spent so much time and resources with her you might feel differently.

I have a 46 quadriplegic sister and an 80 mother with Parkinson’s, family needs can get out of hand if you don’t have balance. I was never allowed to say it’s just too much. Let your husband have a say and don’t guilt him if he has a different opinion.
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Stuckinthemid....
You are doing the right thing by loving your mother and caring for her to the best of your ability.
This time with your son and mother is limited, and therefore, precious. You won't always have your mother.
As time passes, her dementia may worsen to the point of you being forced to place her somewhere, but, for now, these days are precious and few.
I wonder what your husband would want, should he one day get stuck down by dementia, and desperately need help. Would he expect to be placed away from home right away? Or, would he prefer being cared for by family until that time?
I will pray for your situation, and perhaps the Lord will soften the heart of your husband.
You are doing right by choosing to care for and love your family. The Bible says: Matthew 15:4.....
"For God commanded, saying, 'Honor your father and mother '; and He who curses father or mother , let him be put to death'. Matthew 15:4
You do right to honor your one and only mother....Let love be your guide in all things....May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. Shalom. 💜🕊💜
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I agree that you are not burned out. But boy are you stuck in denial.
It is very hard to do what you have to do in placing your mother. I truly do understand that.
A lot of hard work here.

Your husband should not have used the obvious. He should have not needed to.

Five years is a long time to put up with your family in what is also his home. And what’s up with discussing him with your family? I would feel disloyal to him if I shared his feelings with others. Especially on such a sensitive matter. Maybe that’s just me. Turn to your husband to resolve this. Not your family. No wonder he hasn’t bonded with your family. He must feel as an outsider.

Is your son to be an only?
Careful of the burden you are placing on him as being the reason your mom stays in your home.
The image of a GM is one thing, the reality is another.

All the hallmark moments of GMs have them busy cooking and coddling, baby sitting and being a soft place to land. Regardless of your moms current physical fitness your mom is ill and will need more and more care or she would not even qualify for a Medicaid bed.

The primary relative your son needs are happy, focused parents. A father and a mother who don’t add baggage to get their own emotional needs met. This should at least be a goal. (sorry for the shoulds)

Make up your mind to protect your son from a discontented home. You may have to dig deeper to provide that than holding firm on the status quo.

Remember that the control you fear losing is perhaps your anxiety and grief over your mom’s decline. Those are real emotions. Therapy might help. I wish you well.
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Stuckinthemid Feb 2022
Yes she will need more care that much is a 100% certain, and I am sure I will get to a point where it will be far too much for me. As it stands her poor behaviors stem from being lonely. Her ADL and most importantly IADL needs are very few. Yes she is progressing that much is certain, but she is far from being a massive burden. I am fully aware of what will come down the line with this disease. As others have mentioned these moments will be the last moments I will have of my mother as she is. It is not a matter of if, but when the disease will rob me of my mother. Sure I have grief over that fact, the reality is my husband wishes to speed up the process so to speak because she is an inconvenience. I get it, but this disease does not leave much down the line shouldn't we do what we can to protect those moments while we can?
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Well, right now the most important person is you. So in between time seek counseling if possible. I say you are most important because you can make yourself sick and you won’t be any good to no one in the house. Secondly, your mom is also important cause she needs your attention and care more so now than ever. Thirdly, your husband is important as well and is entitled to feel what he’s feeling. But just know if you make a decision against what you are feeling about strongly (not wanting your mom in a nursing home), than I really don’t know how you and your husband will move forward with a healthy marriage. You will always have in your mind that ‘this man didn’t want my mother here’ because you mentioned he’s really don’t care for your family. What makes you think if something happens to you, what would be his plans. Smh…. Hurt people hurt others.
Your husband was battling being with you before your mother came, he just dealt with what was at hand and now he really wants you to take yourself and your mom somewhere else. Now that’s my thoughts but if I’m wrong, my apologies. People want reasons to get mad and blame the other for what they’re not feeling. This problem is deeper than your mom. I just have a problem when a person have to make a decision between love ones and honestly that’s cause love has been lost for the person that needs to make a decision.
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rovana Feb 2022
Many people consider "family" to be a nuclear family - not intergenerational living together. And why should he necessarily like your family of origin?
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dear stuck,
:)

i hope you're finding good ways forward.

it's such a risk to post questions on this website, exposing what's going on in one's life.
some people are unfriendly. (i don't mean, stating an opinion that's different from one's own. that's ok. i mean -- unfriendly).

i hope some of the replies are useful for you.
i hope you're getting something out of the risk you took to post your question.

----

i like your loving attitude towards your mother, whole family.

as you just wrote now:
"my husband wishes to speed up the process so to speak because she is an inconvenience"

that exact, awful, murderous attitude is what came to my mind for the 1st time, recently, regarding some people's non-helping siblings...that maybe through their inactions (non-help) and actions (sabotage, etc.), they secretly want to speed up the death.

i'm not talking about all non-helping siblings.
i mean, some.

speaking of my awful siblings, i would call them murderous.

----

courage! :)
continue being the loving person i'm sure you are, towards your husband, son, mother, yourself.

bundle of joy :)
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bundleofjoy Feb 2022
just to be clear, i'm not at all saying that, her husband suggesting her mother go to a facility, is murderous.

i'm referring to this:
"my husband wishes to speed up the process so to speak "

---
there are some awful people who want to speed up the death.
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Our child is still fairly young, they will be three in April. I do not know how I will handle events have not thought that far ahead, but that is a concern I do have and if my mom's needs start to prevent me from being a mother that is probably where I draw the line.

I know in my heart of hearts if my husband wants to leave nothing I say or do will stop him. He has a great job, well established he will not be alone for long. Also not my style for fight for something that I should not have to fight for. Either he loves our family or not. It will be his choice in the end if he wants to split because I want to spend the few moments I have left with my mom as she is.

No man is worth giving that up I am sorry. I love him dearly, and I understand that this is not easy. No one ever said it was going to be easy all we can do is our best at the end of the day. I will try therapy with him, and I will keep an open mind regarding finding her apartment and getting aids. I draw the line at placement though. I will place her if her demands start to make my job as a mother impossible, I have been looking into places and trying to get her on waitlists for good placement.

End of the day my family is important, but what some seem to forget my mother is part of that family. It is not just my child and husband. I would do the same for my husband if god forbid something happened to him. I would do everything in my power to keep him comfortable and happy at home for as long as it is humanly possible.
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bundleofjoy Feb 2022
"End of the day my family is important, but what some seem to forget my mother is part of that family. It is not just my child and husband. I would do the same for my husband if god forbid something happened to him. I would do everything in my power to keep him comfortable and happy at home for as long as it is humanly possible."

exactly.
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Set aside that you make your spouse sound like SOB, the responder that uses the Bible to make a point epitomizes using the Lord's name in vain.
What happened to Genesis 2:24 leave his mother and father etc and…Let no man put asunder.

Now that's out of the way.
It sounds like you needed to go to family counseling, long before this.
That mr. husband, little m, small h, pulled the I paid the bills card, what a tiny p.., k we have here. You knew who he was long, long before this.

Did agree that you should not be hiding behind you mom and boy. You've got bigger problems.

There are elder care agents that, for a fee, will assess the situation and give you a lot of options.

If one of those options is to place your mom, get the best place you can, and let the folks there see you, and your boy visit her, a lot, but give your husband peace. "No" has the deciding vote in a household. No, not another dog, no not another adopted child, no we're not building a pool, but don't let that stop you. If you can't do one thing do another of your own doing that won't upset your marriage if you've got one. Show your son what grown ups can accomplish.

Don't teach your boy that he should mess up his marriage, and scar his children for you when the time comes.

I helped my parents, my husband's parents, currently I'm the source of everything for my super sweet pain in the a.. husband. It's a big, shoot me now, pain. We don't have kids or family. I'm constantly researching how not to be on balls of my a.. when I'm become the last person standing. It's a struggle, but I'm determined.

There are tons of Youtube video's. LEARN what's out there.

You can work from home or when your boy's in school. How old is he?

Call Social Services. Make mistakes. Grow.
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sledge Feb 2022
woah! pull back a bit! that sounds all very angry
nowhere did she make her husband sound terrible.

A relationship is what 2 people make it. Give and take, through good times and bad.

I see no help in quotes from the bible. I find them confusing and find they can be interpreted in many ways depending on who is reading them.

But here are some that I can understand and mostly agree with :)

Colossians 3:19 
Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

Ephesians 5:25 
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

1 Timothy 5:8 
But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

1 Peter 3:8 
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.

Lastly:
Proverbs 24:3
By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established;
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Is there a way you can create a separate living space for your mother? A mother-in-law suite/apartment? A way to separate your husband from her? I have been able to create separate spaces in my house since my mother lives with me. And before that when I moved in with her I also had remodeling done to create two separate spaces. Otherwise you are in a very unfortunate situation and I feel for you.
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Stuckinthemid Feb 2022
As others have mentioned I am going to try and get her a studio apartment near by that hopefully her social security will cover. I have my own savings and I can cover everything else. I know a few places that even have utilities including.
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Stuckinthemid...I haven't read in depth all responses here, but have read a lot. One thing I have not seen posted is, how is it that your husband's space is being taken over? Is your mom constantly taking over everything or is it just the fact that she is in the house and taking your attention? When my mom had to stay with us for a couple of weeks, she dominated the TV with her incessant channel flipping, got up one night, came up to the floor where our bedrooms are, and walked in on my husband in the bathroom, she wandered at night rifling through stuff in the kitchen putting her dirty, potty hands all over food and everything else (does not wash hands after using the toilet and incessant nose-picking.) We don't have any input on what your husband finds so objectionable. A lot of people are assuming you are selfish, but a lot are assuming he is selfish.

In all reality, I wish my mom had been the kind of mother that had made me want to cherish her company, but she was too self-absorbed to be able to care for any of the 7 of us siblings. She has 5 grandchildren and 6 great-grandchildren living close by, and none of them care if they ever see her again. Her fault, not theirs; but my sister and I are caring for her; but will never bring her into our homes.

I do hope you can find a way to solve this problem without the breakup of your marriage, but as her needs grow, you may find yourself caring for a severely handicapped mother, all by yourself. Good luck in finding a happy medium that meets his needs too.
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hi :),

i better post this here, before my message is accidentally misunderstood.

i said “her husband suggesting her mother go to a facility, is NOT murderous.”

him wanting to speed up the death, is.

-----
i'm not against facilities.
i've repeated this again and again.
there are good facilities in the world.

some are good, some are bad.
there are varying degrees of good/bad.

good facilities exist.

-----
suggesting that someone go to a facility is NOT murderous.
on the contrary, sometimes it's the greatest, best solution; the LO thrives; even if the LO doesn't thrive, it can still be the best, most loving solution.

-----

i'm saying there are some people who secretly want to speed up the death process.

for example, sometimes, some non-helping siblings secretly want to speed it up...
inheritance.

----

i'm also not talking about elderly LOs who're towards the end, and for compassionate reasons, someone might think the LO prefers to die.

i'm talking about elderly LOs, who're elderly, an "inconvenience" (as stuck mentioned, referring to her husband's thoughts). hence, wanting to speed up the death.
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MargaretMcKen Feb 2022
If it's a secret, how do you know they want to speed it up?
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Oh good grief. I don't blame the husband for getting tired of Mama being there 24/7. It makes him feel like it's really not his home anymore. Imagine how you'd feel having a houseguest for years on end?

He wants his life back, the life he'd signed up for when they married. It would only be "precious time with dear sweet Mama" if OP and Mama lived together, just the two of them. It is not the same for the husband, and it's unfair to the husband to expect him to just accept it.

If OP just cannot be away from Mama, then they both need to move into their own place until Mama requires too much care.

And no matter how many people on here relate their stores of their parents having a good experience, even thriving, in AL or SNF... there's still people on here who insist placing an elder is giving up on them, throwing them away, or just being mean selfish meanies. There's no winning.
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Sighopinion Feb 2022
It is a shame one is considered selfish for putting their future first.
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As the person on the other side of this conversation, I have to empathize with the husband. I, like your husband, have been letting the father in law live in our house for 7 years. There is a point where you just don’t have the energy, finances and time to take care of an elderly person. He takes away from my time with my kids and my husband. He refuses to get in home nursing care so the only logical next step is to send him to assisted living. I suspect your husband doesn’t want to see his mother in law at the point of incontinence and immobility. We are probably a few months away from this difficult situation. Save your marriage and save yourself the agony of making your kids watch their grandmother decline. Start looking for an assisted living facility.
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"(W)e have many years together we can make up for lost time..." is categorically untrue. In addition, if the damage to your marriage continues, you may have far fewer years together than you think.

However, would it be possible to have and ADU (Accessory Dwelling Unit) built on your property? Your mother could live there, just beside you, and you could be with her as much as you want, but she would not be literally living in your home. I'm sorry it seems that a nursing home is the only next step for your mother, due to finances, but have you truly explored every avenue you can think of to "free up" your home space while remaining near by?

You have a duty to your marriage as well as to your mother. Have an honest, non-confrontational, discussion with your husband about what his fears and irritations are, and see how you both can compromise. Right now, neither of you seems to want to do that, but I advise you to at least open the conversation. Don't you love all four of the people living in your house (I'm including you in that number). Trust me, caregiver burnout will happen to you and you may need your own "space" as well.
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Sighopinion Feb 2022
If they live in Brooklyn extra land is probably not what they have, and if they do have a yard I doubt the husband would be keen on using it for that if space is an issue.
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