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My 85 yo mother lives in her own home w/o any debt. My dad, before he passed, asked me to oversee the money & property he was leaving to my mother & I was made executor of the estate. I am 58, married to a tv director & my father knew my husband as a businessman w/ access to accountants & money managers & my husband could assist me. For 14 years I have helped manage her investments and made sure the property taxes, income tax, etc. everything is paid on time.


In the last 18 mos my mother’s memory is declining. We tried to get her to a geriatrician to be evaluated in Feb & again in April, but she refused to go. She is fearful they will take her drivers license away. I have rescheduled for Dec.
My 1st brother moved in w/ my parents 15 years ago when dad was dying of lung cancer & Brother 1, 57, a veteran, remained in the house to help my mom as my father asked of him. Brother 1 has now been diagnosed w/ terminal pancreatic cancer & is rapidly going downhill & has asked for help w/ mom. She will leave food on the stove, iron on, leave the house w/o her purse or mask, forget what she set out to do, etc. Brother 2, 55, has come through a costly messy divorce, owes me $15000, owes my mom $15000 & owes 10’s of thousands of dollars in credit card debt. My mom told him he could sell his house & move in with her & Bro1, so Bro2 could get on his feet.


He has told both me & my mom the profit on his house sale will be used to pay back each of us the $15000. I believed Bro2 would pay me back until this past week when he told my sister (60), that Mom said she wanted him, Bro2, to be the FPOA and her MPOA. Mom told Bro2 there was $7000 “missing” from her Fidelity acct & she “believes” I gave it to my sister w/o asking. That’s why Mom wants Bro2 to be MPOA & FPOA. I have access to my mother’s investment & banking accts, but no one but my mother can transfer money out. The first time this “$7000 is missing” came to light in April, when my mom saw a $7000 payout on her Fidelity statement. Bro1 called me to say Mom thinks you gave sister $7000. Bro1 had mom call Fidelity & her money manager reassured her no money left her account by my hand, nor could that ever be done, only my mother has that power & the $7000 went to my mother’s AFFCU account. I also called my mother, denied moving her money, that I would never do that & had a 3-way call w/ Fidelity to again reassure her. That happened in April and now this “memory of missing money” is coming back.


My sister has been an ER nurse for 30 years & it has always been assumed she would be my mother’s MPOA. No documents have ever been signed (I was to fly in in April to take my mom to the geriatrician for evaluation & to get the FPOA & MPOA signed & notorized, but because of COVID, I did not travel & Bro1 could not get my mom to the doc appt for evaluation-she refused to go (fear of losing drvs license & what doc may say). I forwarded the docs to Bro2 thinking he could take mom to the notary so I could have the power to hire an at home health aide to be there to take the burden off terminally ill Bro1 to make sure my mom is cared for. Then I find out that Bro2 is stating that Mom told him she wanted him to be both MPOA & FPOA. My sister said there is something wrong here & believes Bro2 is trying to take advantage of Mom & the situation that Bro1 is terminally ill. When Bro1 was told about Bro2’s “power play” he said over my dead body. Bro1 is trying to get MPOA & FPOA with my name and my sister’s names on the docs before Brother 2 attempts to do it w/ his own name.
Any recommendations for what to say to Brother 2 who owes me $15000 & whom I have trusted to act with integrity? And what to do before my mother gives my heavily-in -debt brother the financial power to access to all the money she has in the world? My sister and I are prepared to do whatever it takes to continue to act in my mother’s best interest. Thank you all!
”LuLu”

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I have fantastic news. Brother 1, who is terminally ill, and my nephew (38) my sister’s oldest son, sat my mom down & told her that the MPOA & FPOA are there to protect & care for her while she is alive & the two people w/ the most financial & medical experience are myself & my sister, not my Brother 2 that owes 10’s of thousands of dollars. They both told my mother they promised our father to take care of her and this would be keeping their promise to our dad. She agreed and she let them take her to the notary and she signed the MPOA & FPOA naming myself and my sister, the nurse, 1 & 2 On the docs. What a relief!
Now to help my Brother 1 get the help at the house he needs to relieve him of the pressures of overseeing & caring for my mom 24/7, while he can focus on getting the medical care for his pancreatic cancer. Praying for his relief. Thank you all.
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FloridaDD Nov 2020
This is great news!!!!  Really glad it is starting to work out.
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I believe you know that being executor of estate doesn't mean anything. It is the Financial POA who is charge of the finances IF your Mom is diagnosed with dementia, and at the point that she is judged incompetent whomever is FPOA is in charge of finances and that cannot be changed.
There are a lot of characters at play here with Mom, you, and two bros. I think that you will need both mediation and a GOOD Attorney, and you should likely get this before finalizing any testing that could deem your Mom unable to assign a POA. She need not be perfect, but she does need, in the examining Lawyer's assessment, to be able to understand what she is doing. It is my feeling all family members should be present. You have a brother here who is caring for his Mom, and he is quite ill. The future needs to be carefully and PROFESSIONALLY assessed and worked out for all best as possible. Geaton posted the following some time ago for Forum, and I use and thank Geaton for it every time:
Mediate.com
APFMnet.org (Academy of Professional Family Mediators
ACRNet.org (Assn. for Conflict Resolution
Wishing you good luck. Hope you will update and post to us any success you have. It sounds all quite complicated.
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Rollin5 Nov 2020
Thank you so much. Your response is very helpful.
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This is too complicated a situation to be addressed in this forum, too much he said she said.

The short answer is step away and let chips fall where they may. Unfortunately you can only do so much to enable people to resist consequences of their decisions. Sad, but it is what it is and you’ve done your part.
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Yes, as others have stated, hire an estate-planning or/and elder-care attorney. Most give one free consult and an estimate of cost.

I work with elder-care attorneys and estate-planning attorneys, and they have frequently told me that the person most likely to rip of an elder is an adult son, and most often, the youngest adult son.

Run don't walk to an attorney. It is fairly easy to dupe an elder with declining mental faculties.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2020
I can believe this. The youngest is usually spoiled! Some moms baby their youngest child.

Thanks for sharing this info.
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The old saying is, loaning money to a relative is like throwing it out the window. Resign yourself to the fact you will never see it again. I had similar situation as you(not as many siblings) you need to find an estate lawyer who will advise you and your family members that 1. The money belongs to mom
2. All bills are to be sent to attorney/accountant who will pay debts and issue account statements monthly.
3. No one, including your mother has access to Fidelity account. As executor of estate you and attorney as cosigners have access to accounts.
Your mother's checking account should have no more than $1000 balance. Debit cards and credit cards should all be canceled and savings accounts transferred to Fidelity. Make sure that all cards ect are taken from your mom's billfold, leave drivers license. You and your sister sound like responsible adults, your brother, not so much. Money does strange things to people and it sounds like you and your family have become an ATM. Its difficult but you must say no and protect your mom. Talk to assisted living facilities, they can give you a lot of good advice about transitioning to a different living environment. If you are absolutely not wanting to move mom, you must get help for her and your brother. Bless your heart, this is a tough job because feelings can be hurt.
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You need to get a lawyer ASAP!!!!!! And show that you took care of your dad and was trusted with the finances. Brother #2 cant be trusted with anything. His finances are a train wreck, he owes everyone, trying to move in to mom's house. I believe to gain Aaccess to her belongings, and will never move out if house needs to be sold. Probably going to get his hands on her car, checkbook, valuables. Will try to get her to start signing things over to him.
He's already pitting each family member against each other. Is this a good person to manage finances? Heck no!! He can't manage his own..m Run to that lawyer. Get locks changed. He will be the downfall of your family. You will be stuck paying for mom.
How come he didnt help mom b4. But now he's broke he wants to be poa etc? Your mom will be hoodwinked and out in the streets.
Run to a lawyer now!

I would get a lawyer involved and from what it sounds like, you should be mom's financial advisor. You already proved to be competent and caring, and taking care of it all along. He could be trying to get her to sign over her house, bank accounts etc. Don't let him near her unless supervised at all times. That way he can't.
DO NOT LET BROTHER #2 move in. Mom will be paying for both brothers. Brother can't be trusted as far as he can be thrown. He will divide you all, and have mom a hysterical crying broke$$ mess. And you scrambling to pick up the pieces and probably paying for mom's care after the money has been stolen.

Im talking from experience. My sibling was moms poa/executor. Took 4yrs for simple estate to settle. Lawyer had to scream at her to complete it. Refused to tell me anything about finances/estate/belongings/property. I have a right to know and be kept up to date. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise. Told me it was none of my business and I had no right to know anything. Stole all valuables. I think took $. Told lawyer 3yr old car 36k under warrantee was junk. Let it rot for 8yrs. Took keys. Told me she was poa/Executor of dad estate/property. Left property sit 9yrs. I begged her to do something. Told her people all over that property. Didnt care. Said she had will. She will get to it when dam good and ready. Neighbors stole heavy equipt, mail, broke into house/barn mult times/stole. Dumped their recycles/trash. It became party house. Over >25k stolen. Went to court. Told 3 stories about 1 will, couldnt produce it. Lied under oath. I was being sued by nursing home non payment. Other no paid bills racking up. I won court case. I won a mess. Elec/phone/internet/insurance paid 9yrs for deceased people! House destroyed no heat. Kitchen floor caved in, due to water leak. Other floor absorbed moisture bc no heat/soil basement for yrs. Acted like a wick on the wood floor. Entire 1st floor destroyed. Roof leaks/about to fall in. Barn caving in. 2 Cars had recalls. Not taken to be fixed in time. Was told vehicle total loss. Other vehicles total loss bc rotting into ground. Never liquidated in 1st estate. So lied about that. So yea I know of what I speak. Run do not walk. He is not your friend.
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I would say just step out of it. You have brothers that are willing to step up and help her and there may be no disuading her in her belief you took the money. So just let the cards fall where they may. You can only control so much.
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I recommend a very good elder care attorney to resolve this. Bro 2 has conflict of interest and will take advantage of everything. Mom needs to be evaluated ASAP.Bro 1 needs to have peace during his last months. Mom needs to have home care or placed in AL.

I had a similar situation. Relatives did take advantage of Mom and then tried to put her out before I could intervene. I now have full guardianship and fiduciary powers. My siblings grew up fast to resolve their own problems without Mom's money. They also cut all communication with me and Mom which is fine. Their loss !
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Through all what is guaranteed to be a financial, nuclear meltdown, you have one clear choice. Get an estate attorney, yesterday! However you have to do it, get your mother's mental clarity evaluated. Present all information on brother #2, divorce debt, unpaid loans, etc. to lawyer. Find out if $7000 actually came out of her Fidelity account.
"Brotherly love" evaporates when financial distress exists, and opportunity presents. Your brother is the addict and your mentally failing mom's estate the drug. Unless you are prepared to assume care for her, and its immense expense, get a lawyer in to protect her assets for future need and your legal authority on paper. Brother #1 can give a notarized statement of your mom's original wishes.
With brother #2 living there, you have no control of the influence he is exerting over your mom. If you can't get him out, bring the lawyer in before he does!
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If your mother has not made you POA for her medical and financial affairs, have this done immediately. And she should have a living will that states her wishes for medical care. You may have to take some time off to spend a week with her to take care of this. Get an attorney. Banks also may have their own POA forms. Do this immediately while she is still capable of signing forms. POA is needed for you to take over her financial affairs during her lifetime. Once you have the POA, you can ask for all bills and statements to be sent to your address so that you can monitor what's happening with her accounts. If you don't trust your brother, it's probably best for him not to see the statements. If there will be aides in the house, it's also best to have statements sent to you.
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