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My father died suddenly a year ago leaving a wife with severe dementia. I was the caregiver for my dad years ago and helped him get better after two years of living there.
When my dad died, I told both sisters we had to take turns. One sister can’t because of family issues. The other one has every illness in the book and drops out frequently. I have moved in and have help to work. My husband hates both sisters but supports/helps me. No discussion has helped. Just more lies of why they can’t do it.


I Know I am making this choice. I am trying to keep my promise. Yet the hatred I feel for the two or them makes me sick at times. How do I just accept this as a choice ? How do I let go of the rage of losing so many years?

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You question was asked in December, Amy. I am wondering how you are doing.
I am sorry that you feel hatred. I would be in your Sisters' corners, so you would be hating me as well. I would not be doing in home care. I might, were I not too busy with my own family and/or work, help in some way, some appointments, help with shopping, the occ. casserole, visits, a few days respite here and there. But I would not do more.
You will have to come to some acceptance. You are doing this by your own choice and have made the decision to do it for your own reasons. You are in charge of your own decisions for your own life. You are not in charge of the decisions of others nor can you make decisions for others in life.
Rage is a choice. You may be deflecting from your own feelings of being entirely exhausted and overwhelmed by choosing anger rather than acceptance of your own choice. Anger is very energizing, while exhausting is debilitating.
I would suggest that you seek help of a professional counselor. Sometimes that is the only way. Your relationship with your Sisters may not survive this as you have chosen ways that are do diametrically different that you may not have a meeting of the minds. While that is sad, it does happen when people are very different in terms of life choices.
I am so sorry times are so tough and I am so thankful for your faithful and sacrificing hubby. I wish you the best and I wish you peace.
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I am in the same situation almost...It is my 93 year old mother in law who had 7 children and I, the wife of the oldest son, am the caregiver. It is frustrating and life changing for sure. I had to quit a job I dearly loved and remodel our house to fit her needs and become the full-time caregiver. My husband is in early dementia also so him caring for her is not an option. Her other children don't call, visit or care about her. At least you and I know that we are doing what needs to be done and, when our loved one passes, we will have no regrets or guilt.
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No mention of the financial situation....but it is not written anywhere that you have to torture yourself, strain your own health and marriage, etc..  You can "take care" of someone without doing those things.  Please consider placement in memory care.  You can still manage her care, pay her bills, shop for her needs, file her taxes, visit her, etc. 

Take all of the energy you're using to be angry at your sisters and put that energy into making good choices for you and your mom.  Your sisters are obviously making decisions that are best for them...you need to make decisions that are best for you.

My brother never did help and I had to accept him for who he is.  You're going to have to do the same with your sisters.  Accept it and move on.  Ask your dear husband to help you find the right place for mom.  I am sure he won't mind helping you move in the right direction.

Take care Amy.
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If you’re doing the caregiving make sure you have POA. I learned the hard way. If you don’t, step aside.
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MMasonSt Dec 2020
What bad things happen if you don’t have POA and are the only caregiver?
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AmyL13, any changes to your situation?
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Caregiving usually falls on one child.

Sometimes there are legitimate reasons for siblings not helping. Sometimes not.

A sibling doesn’t have to take on the responsibility of caregiving, but nor do you.

It’s horribly frustrating and certainly unfair to the caregiver especially if they aren’t getting any compensation for it.

Life isn’t fair. So, if you are not happy I recommend bailing on the caregiving responsibilities.

Make arrangements for your parents to be cared for in a facility and move forward in life.
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I want you to learn something it to me a while. Keeping your promise does not mean destroying your health and family. You can bring someone in to supplement. I plan on hiring someone for 8 hours a day to stay with mom. I will be putting a bed in her spare room and I will spend 7pm-10am with mom. Then the nurse can come 10:30 to 6:30 5 days a week. Right now I feel worn out. I’ve been doing this at least 3 hrs a day and some times twice a day. If mom doesn’t agree to let someone in the house, when the time comes and it’s close, I will be putting her in a memory care facility. I will still be there every day for mom. I will be upholding my promise to take care of mom. I will know she is cared for when I am not there. It is fulfilling my promise and taking care of her the best way possible. Do not think you have to do it alone. My husband is helping me and if I need to run away, I do ever 6 months or so for a few days, he goes and feeds and looks out for her. But 7 days a week is killing me right now. The virus is what is stopping me from bringing someone in. Best of luck you are not alone. By the way the only,person you can change is you. When you get upset about your sisters they don’t care the only,person you are adding stress to is yourself.
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I don’t have time to read the responses but feel the need to offer advice. I have a couple of siblings but one lives out of town and two an hour away. I live near my nearly 90 year old parents who live independently. I’m on call for cleaning, meals, meds etc but draw the line at personal care.
If you are alone doing the care you need to get paid for the work. Plain and simple. My parents gift me well and my siblings are aware of it. It’s a lot of work and it keeps resentment at bay. I hope for you there is a way for you to be compensated. Otherwise your siblings should take their turn as well.
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VeronicaJo Jan 2021
Gifting isn’t the same as a contract and getting paid. Unless your parents are well fixed and will never need Medicaid for assisted living or a nursing home, Medicaid will do a five year lookback as part of the qualification process and they consider those “gifts” as attempts to shift assets and will penalize accordingly by delaying access.
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Amy, I took care of my mom in her home from her 82nd year to her 87th. (How I got there is different from you, though.) But I do have an older sister and a younger sister. None of us have ever been close sibs, but once I moved in, they began to triangulate (I being the scapegoat). There was infrequent contact or support from either of them, except when at first I began to provide reports about mom's decline and ever-more-serious medical issues, which they rejected as me being 'the nervous one', not being able to 'handle' it (i.e., accused me of being hysterical over little or nothing). They both actively 'stayed away'--from me--apparently our mom's existence wasn't as big as their feelings about me (dislike and jealousy).

By the 5th year, even though my mom has a lovely home and well-maintained property, I gave them about 2 months notice that I'd be leaving (and moving I knew not where, but that didn't matter at that point; I just needed to walk away from the toxicity). Which FORCED them to 'figure something out' on their own. No ugly words were exchanged; it was all very superficially civilized.

Two years hence, I've worked through the obsessive resentment and hatred for each of them--with a lot of help from and work with a good therapist, and support from this forum . It hasn't been easy! I've earned the life-degree of an MFA in forgiveness and 'letting them go'. Again, it did NOT come quickly or easily for me, and I truly didn't believe it was possible, but I can tell you, it was possible for me, and I'm actually a better person for it (and I'm almost 66).

I'm so glad you have your supportive husband, and a world of understanding 'family', right here on this forum. My ever-increasing hatred against my 2 sisters was worse for me than caring for my mom. Please, I know you can't see it now, but keep going, hang in there for your husband, and especially, YOURSELF. Hugs.
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I have another trick ( previously wrote about kickboxing!) when my sibling gets on my mind. A therapist taught me that when I start thinking about topics that were bad for me, to change my thoughts to anything. ANYTHING. Baseball scores, whatever. This was not easy for me to do but I kept at it for a month and after that time it started to become a habit, and it really does help a lot. The point is to get my sibling out of my brain space. I’m far from perfect at it, and of course when I have to deal with something she’s about to do I have to put thought into it, but it’s really worth a shot. Just stick with it for the effects to become apparent.

Fyi my sibling has helped in virtually no way whatsoever, but has appeared after years absence and asked for an ‘advance on her inheritance. “ So I do explode, but I have the martial arts bag for that!
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2020
I truly hope that you have some legal arrangement in place where not only are you compensated for all the caregiving, but also a protection in place where sister cannot get an 'advance on her inheritance'. Like you have the POA or it's in writing that is legal done by a lawyer, that will hold up in court if it ever came to that. I would NEVER assume the caregiver responsibility to either of my parents (and I was caregiver to both, one now deceased), unless I had what I need in writing. My siblings understand because I made them understand.
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Its amazing how easily siblings can find excuses not to participate in the care of their parents. I just found out my oldest sister is renting a home in the Outer Banks for a two month beach vacation. I, on the other hand, spent my morning cleaning up feces from bedroom floor.
This life we have as caregivers is not fair. I don't know how we can fix it .
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2020
Too true, my friend.
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From what I understand about your post, you were not manipulated or coerced in anyway to care for parents. You voluntarily chose to be the caregiver and that is loving and kind decision you made. Did you know what you were getting yourself into? Was there ever a contract with your sisters about their participation in care giving? Unless they agreed or promised to do care giving, they are not obligated just because of the decision that one sibling made. Some people know right away that caregiving is not something they can handle and opt out. Your sisters should have been honest with you from the start. They probably make up excuses or lies because they don’t want to admit it and feel guilty for not participating. I hate breaking promises to parents, but in your mothers case, it’s a promise that has to be broken for her safety and yours. You and your husband could die prematurely from chronic stress related illnesses before your mother does. She would then end up in the nursing facility after all.
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B3z5wb Dec 2020
She promised to take care of mom. If she needs to put her in a care facility, she is still taking care of mom. I’m sure she will visit daily. But she will also be getting help the rest of the time. That is a safety issue. She is still fulfilling her promise.
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Dear Amy,

I'm sorry that you are doing all the work and not getting any support from your sisters. It is frustrating and leads to anger and resentment. Those feelings are real.

As the oldest, I always felt more dutiful and responsible. And like you, I was so angry and resentful at my sisters for not caring about me and asking about me or even offering to help. One sister lived across the country and another was always mean to me and another had her own family.

I tried to carry on the best I could but my own anger affected my judgment and in the end it affected my dad's care. I feel guilty it lead to his death. If only I had dealt with my feelings. Talked to a social worker. Talked to a therapist. Found a support group. It is important to come to terms with these feelings and there is no easy path.

Thinking of you. (((hugs)))
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B3z5wb Dec 2020
You did the best you could. You in no way caused your fathers death. Stop saying that. Forgive yourself. You were there for him. That is what was important. Remember the only person you can change is you. If you allow someone to get to you. You allowed it. You control you, no one else. By allowing someone to get to you, they own your thoughts. They don’t care. They do not even think about you. You are ruining your health and time. I say to my self each time...can I change it? Can I control it? Let it go. It really helps. Best of luck. Remember you ARE a good person and you DID do the best you could.
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HI Amy,
I am in the exact situation. But I have seen the alternative. Let me explain. My Mom lived with me for 12 years. She started to decline with early dementia. She fought me on everything. She would call my sister and tell her horrible things about me. So I thought ok, maybe better for my sister to take her. My marriage was also breaking up from the stress. My sister reluctantly agreed. My Mom subsequently was relocated across the country and my sister put her in a retirement community with no supportive care. I was so upset with the situation and dealing with my own health and personal garbage, I barely spoke to my Mom. After 3 years I finally visited her because I could tell that her decline was immense. I decided to move across the country to help because the community she was in was not supportive for dementia. I knew something bad could happen. My sister put a blind eye to the situation saying she didn't have time to do more. She also refused to see Moms decline saying Mom "was faking it for attention." Really? How does an 88 yo woman fake dementia? Then covid hit. Then my Mom broke a leg. I still moved. You know what? My move saved my Mom from a horrible rehab facility. Saved her from dying from coronavirus. My sisters decisions were horrible and almost a catastrophe. Amy, I go in the garage and scream into pillows. I pour myself a glass of wine in the kitchen and put on a movie for my Mom just for a moment of peace. I completely lose it with anger just not against my Mom. But, I know what the decisions are when my sister is involved. My Mom suffers her neglect. What keeps me going too is being grateful. This is my Mom. But I'm grateful I have the opportunity to save a human life from neglect. If your sisters who don't care took care of your Mom it would probably end up in neglect and you would step in anyway. My brother is 0 help too. I also have lost years. But I still have the opportunity to have some good friends and small personal victories along the way. I like to believe in karma. Something better is waiting for me after my Mom dies. IT will find me or I will find IT. Hang in there. You are not alone. It might be small consolation for what you are going through and I'm sorry for that.
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I can completely understand how you feel. Every sibling should help in some way depending on their circumstances - it could be paper work, or occasional visits, whatever - but all must do their parts. Sometimes it takes more than "talking to them" because that does not accomplish anything although it is the first step. Come up with specific suggestions for help and try to get some form of commitment. If nothing works, and I doubt it will, you are completely within your rights to explode big time and really let them have it. But first you have to think of other options for the parent you are helping - can they be placed, get a caretaker, etc. I am a firm believer and will stand by this fact: regardless of the situation, when the situation is causing YOU harm and great distress and is destroying YOUR life, you must do whatever it takes to stop that from happening. And as to the family who won't help, I don't know the relationships in the past or the value of maintaining those relationships. But sometimes in life we must be strong and realize things are as they are and do we want to be destroyed or leave and move on to greener pastures. Only you can make that decision. Sometimes we have no choice.
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The hatred is bound to get worst if that is the predominant in the mind. As many good people has found out, the true colors of individuals, family or not, come to light in extreme situations. Their lack of a positive response, makes it an open and shut case. They do not want an active part on assisting you, they have innumerable problems of their own, the only one willing to do a thankless job is your fine person and your family. Nothing pretty about the whole situation, the sooner the non helpers are discarded emotionally the better. Action speak louder than words. Difficult all around, but commendable that you still do the heavy lifting. God Bless those that care!
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Hi AmyL13,

I can empathize with your words. I am sorry you aren't getting help from your siblings. I have two older siblings, both brothers. One sees my father from time to time and offers to cook or bring groceries or cut the lawn once in a while. I live with my father and the other brother. He told me he is doing only what he intends to help, which is not much. When I first moved in with my father a year ago, I had such anger inside because of my brother's refusal to help that it overcame me for months. I offered to take care of the gardening and thought it would be a little haven and calm space for me, but it wasn't a pleasant experience because of the anger in my head. I spoke to my brother about things but his way of dealing with anything is to start a fight and walk out of the house.

I remember the day that I apologized to the plants in the garden for my negative energy and had to laugh. It was a release and I felt better when I headed out to weed or cut the grass. One day I took some time and asked myself where do I want to spend my energy? I had certain things that needed to get done on a daily basis, and spending my valuable energy on a person that doesn't help didn't serve me. This is my life and I am going to protect my experiences. I too made the choice to help dad at his end of life so I looked at what was available in the care system in our community and built a team that WANTED to help. I felt better and my energy for my father improved as well. My brother is still the same, or worse, actually, but he isn't my focus. My health, I have learned, is the most important, and while I felt guilty about that at first, I saw things improve and I got my smile back.

Please love yourself lots and give yourself lots of credit for what you are doing.

All the best to you, Tempest.
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MayHHH Dec 2020
Thanks a lot for this post
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Imho, when my brother said "I won't do the caregiving to mother," I could have held onto the anger, but I was already living out of state with my mother, providing care for her. When I realized that I could not have feelings of resentment to be an adequate caregiver, I let it go. Prayers sent to you.
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Not everyone is suited to the life of being a caretaker to an elderly parent. I recognized years ago that it was not a job I would want to do and was very honest with my parents about it. I told them I would deal with financial issues, find them other housing options, etc. but that hands-on caregiving was not an option.

My brothers and sister were less honest, avoiding visiting, occasional phone calls, telling me to "let them know what needed doing." I chose to maintain my relationship with them rather than resenting their abdication. After all, I expect we will all outlive our parents and I want to stay friends with them.

You can’t change them, you can only change your reaction to them. What is more important, a future relationship or maintaining a grudge? My dad and one sister had an adversarial relationship for 80 years! 80 years! Why waste time and energy when we have a short time to enjoy our lives? Don’t drive them away.

I suggest you have a frank talk with each sister and ask what they would be willing to do to help you. Maybe taking over bill paying, searching for medical/medicine options, searching for in-home help or care facilities. Instead of expecting everyone to do the same thing capitalize on each person's strength. Maybe it would be helpful to prepare a list of tasks and ask them what they would be able to take over. And be grateful for any assistance.

BTW I asked my sister to research Medical Alert options. She emailed me a link to a google search page. At first I was mad, then I laughed. Later I found out she was suffering from Lyme disease and had no energy.
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I had it worse.
They were getting money and doing nothing while I did all the work. This went on for six years.
Recently I put my foot down and in no uncertain words to her that no pay, no work. You give them money now it is their turn to do the work.
Now they take turns coming down and there is a list of jobs to be done. They are furious. Besides that, moms, grandma's bank has closed which infuriates them even more. Mom has her mental wits about her so I am in a better position than you unfortunately.
There comes a time to put your foot down and stop the abuse.
Either you get help or ma goes into an old folks home.
It sucks for your mom but what good can you do if you have a nervous breakdown or your marriage falls apart because of this.
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My Mother (age 99) is in an assisted living home. My brother lived near by her, but I live 2000 miles away. My brother died this year and my nephew has stepped up and is helping her with many issues...Dr. appointments, prescriptions, problems with her TV ( she can no longer manipulated the remote correctly). I feel incredibly sad and guilty about his. My nephews wife is getting angry. I have offered to get her paid help, but can't get anyone inside the building because of Covid precautions. Any suggestions?
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lealonnie1 Dec 2020
Why does your mother need all that help while living in Assisted Living?? In my mother's AL, the doctor goes in there to see HER, the prescriptions are ordered and sent over THERE and given out by the staff, the remote TV issues are handled by the staff, as they should be. You shouldn't have to pay for 'help' in Assisted Living.......that's what you ARE paying for : HELP. Something is 'off' with the story your nephew is telling you. If I were you, I'd call the ALF myself and talk to the Exec. Director about what they are and are not doing for your mother over there!
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"don't hold it in..."... "don't carry that hate"... HOGWASH...

No matter what anyone tells you you have a right to how you feel.

(I'll say it again)---------> YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO HOW YOU FEEL.

Eff anyone who tells you differently.

Take care of your mother. Fulfill the obligation you feel.

Resolve that your siblings are feckless, and be done with them.
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disgustedtoo Dec 2020
Anyone who wants to harbor all those negative feelings are more than welcome to, it is still, for the moment anyway, a free country.

The reason many of us suggest ways to let that anger, frustration, hate, whatever it is, go, is because it will consume you. It will impact your health and well-being. WHAT good does hate do for you? Does it make you feel better? Not usually. What does it do for the source of your feelings, in this instance siblings? Nothing. They do NOT feel your anger. They do NOT feel your hate. They may "hear" your frustrations, anger and hatred, but it isn't going to change anything they do.

THAT is the reason we suggest finding a way to let it go. It does nothing to resolve the situation, it doesn't negatively impact them, but it DOES impact you. I was able to vent my anger and frustration into emails that I never sent to my brothers. After I finished drafting them, I moved on, much calmer and happier. Sending what I wrote would not have made any difference - most likely it would have stirred up more flak for them to throw at me. I've put it behind me. I've already written off one brother. The other isn't far behind. Now if I feel anything at all for them, I feel sorry for what they lost by not visiting and being with our mother when they could. But, the sorrow is much more for our mother - she would have been HAPPY, elated, to have them visit, but they couldn't be bothered. She used to ask about them, but over time she stopped. Probably forgot them (out of sight, out of mind.) She DID still know me and ask about me (we were locked out since March - tried 2 "distancing" visits, but no hearing, dementia, masks and 6' apart, it was hard to tell if she knew who we were, we being me and my daughter, not the clowns.)
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So, is this your stepmom? Does she have children? If this is the case there may not be the loyalty from your siblings for her as there would be for a birth mom.

Someone asked if you have POA, good question if you are the only caregiver available. Maybe you can have her placed in an Agecare place for dementia. You will still be busy if you are her "agent", but a whole lot less busy than looking after her in your home, or her home. My siblings, sisters, are not as involved with mom as I am... You can be sure they will be very involved when it comes time to collect the inheritance. I will have the good memories with mom, not the guilt.
Any good thing I do for mom is looked upon as a negative by them, I either didnt do something right, or am too "controlling"... whatever....
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Holding resentment, hate, and anger toward someone is like you taking poison and expecting the other person to die. You need to get help for this, and I believe reaching out to this group is your first step to healing.

Every child has a different relationship with their parent. You don't know how your sisters feel about their mother. For example, my little brother was the Golden Child, he was loved, favored, and his deeds were something to be proud of. My mother never cared for me, she told me so. She was emotionally abusive. I grew up believing I was ugly and unwanted because she came right out and told me so. So, we both saw her differently. If they don't want to care for her, there may be a reason.

Do you have POA etc? If so, start looking for a place to place her where she can have 3 shifts of people to help her around the clock. COVID not withstanding, get on a list now, COVID restrictions can't last forever and just the thought of an end to your stress can help you endure now. If they have a waiting list at least you will be on it. In the meantime, use any funds she has to get some relief for yourself. My County Office of Aging sometimes has grants for respite care. So, if you need to get out for a few hours, the relief person comes to you free of charge.

The only person you can control is you. Caring for your mother is too much for you. It seems to me you need to forget your sisters and look for outside the family for help.
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Hi AmyL13, this might sound silly but have you recently expressed your frustrations and laid out specific needs/asks with your siblings directly? Do they know that they would helping YOU? Maybe they have built up resentment or disconnect from your mother but if you all are (or were) close as sisters, maybe they would approach helping your mom in a different way.

I have 2 older (half) brothers with their own families/work/lives and have learned that I must spell everything out for them whenever I need help with mom. They were not very close with my mom but when I expressed how overwhelmed I am as the sole/primary caregiver for my mom, they were definitely more eager to help.

Wishing that your siblings also come around. This is a very difficult time and at least you are not alone - try to look at the bright side whenever you can. Good luck!
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Your first responsibility is to your husband and immediate family. Even if you want to do care for your father's wife (I'm assuming she is not your mother), you can reassess periodically and make adjustments as needed. If it gets too much for you and you are not getting help from your sisters, consider an assisted living facility for her. Don't hate your sisters, just change the situation so that it also works for you and your husband.
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support groups are both good and bad; the alzheimer's assn has many local chapters and perhaps you'll be lucky enough to find a good one. Some in my town were for adult children only and you'll discover how you are not alone with the absent sibling syndrome. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and have seen the reality of it all, we have made a choice of sorts, and no one is really going to give us credit for our efforts aside from those who know what we are doing from having done it themselves. It's very hard to let go of the rage. But know that you must take care of YOU as well, for the consequences can sneak up and impact your own well being if you do not. I came to realize that in a very scary way a few months ago when I wound up in the hospital having surgery for a condition I didn't know I harbored. It's an especially challenging time right now with COVID issues underlying every move. My issue was life threatening, and although my sister (only sibling) arrived from out of state, in the end she BLAMED me for my choices, AND my illness, saying I should have known. SHe would rather show no regard for our parent's well-being and dump them in a nursing home or assisted living where it would be sure to cause my father's demise, based on how he thrives in his own community with his own lifestyle. Anyhow, yesterday I was sent a message from my sister, the first in ages in which she stated she "hopes I survive" and was apparently unhappy because I had not inquired how SHE was being that she was unemployed. I let her know she HAD better hope I survive as life as she knows it would blow up in her cute little face. If you're comfortable with how an agency is taking precautions in light of COVID, I would see what resources you can bring in to give you some well deserved respite time. Contact your local Alzheimer's Assn chapter or area agency on aging. And don't forget Meals on Wheels...depending on your age you may qualify as well....make the regular required life tasks as easy on yourself as possible while trying to carve out some respite time you can count on for yourself. Even if that means someone primarily coming in just to be in the house so you can get out. Our local AAonA had a specific Caregiver respite program. To be honest I was unhappy with the people we had but I learned alot from my mistakes so I would not make them again I hope. In our program you arranged for agency help on your own, paid for it, and were reimbursed up to a certain amount. It also was set up so you were only in the program several months which greatly angered me as they should know this is an ongoing need a caregiver needs to be able to count on.
Sending hugs and wishing you luck.
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I suggest you work on your spirituality and even join a support group. Forgive and think positive. Thank God for your self and your husband. What a blessing to be a vehicle for providing love and compassion to a family member. What a pleasure to be a caregiver. It is hard work and sacrifices with little to no reward. Instead of being angry and bitter, be thankful that out off your siblings you were chosen for this mission.
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Jmharris05 Dec 2020
I agree. This is what I’ve had to do and it is a blessing to be the one caring for a parent. It is helping me to become a better person spiritually. Even in the mist of others not wanting to do their part. It wasn’t easy, but rewarding.
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My advice is to be very specific with your requests. My sister was the primary caregiver for both of my parents for a few years. Then my mom died with COVID and my dad went downhill fast. My brother and I live out of state so everything fell to my sister. She was upset with us all of the time but was also a bit of a martyr. Whenever we suggested a solution, she did not like it. My sister moved in with my dad and we hired a live-in caregiver. My brother and I both agreed to go for a week every month. While there we help with my dad but also do whatever we can to help her. We are now all on good terms and my sister has calmed down. My advice is to not be a martyr and be very specific with your requests for help.
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disgustedtoo Dec 2020
Good advice, however some still ignore or resist. I tried. The little help given was resented BIG time. Even visiting would have been nice (she was in MC.) Nope.
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It is very difficult to maintain strong family relationships when siblings do not agree on care of elderly parents. Since they are family, siblings must see each other on special occasions, so it is best if they can be civil if not as loving or jovial as they used to be. Life happens and sometimes life is not easy when a loved one dies. In my experience as a caregiver, I was happy and honored to care for my mother with Alzheimers.
However, that wasn't the issue that damaged our relationships. I learned later from attorneys that it is common for families to break up because of squabbles over property and assets. Despite telling my six siblings that I was not interested in my mom's property, two sisters retained an attorney and acquired control of my mother and her house. After I left my mother because of legal judgment, my sisters placed my mother in a assisted living facility 300 miles away. I visited my mother every weekend, but she only lasted 6 weeks due to loneliness and inability to see family and friends.
Thus, I have difficulty letting go of anger because of how my sisters mistreated my mother. I pray for ability to forgive them but I am unable to forget what they have done. What makes it worse is that my sisters believe they didn't do anything wrong. Also, the sisters tell others that I was only taking care of my mother because I wanted the house. So I don't know if this is good advice or not, but I can only say that decisions have consequences. I know one thing, I know in my heart that I only wanted to care for my mother because she cared for all of her children and helping her in her last days was the least that I could do. The situation regarding the siblings remains a challenge because my sisters are angry for another reason. My sisters are angry at me because I informed the larger family of what they did in court and to my mother by sending her so far away.
Very sad, but my conscience is clear and my heart is true to God. I am far from perfect, but I know I did my best and what is right concerning the care of my mother.
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disgustedtoo Dec 2020
"... I know I did my best and what is right concerning the care of my mother."

Exactly. We can only do what we feel is right. We can't control the others. I would have no problem airing that dirty laundry, after what they did. If nothing else, family knows YOU were not a part of that.

I am pretty much done with both brothers. Not being there to lend much of a hand or be supportive was bad enough. Not visiting mom while she was in MC is inexcusable.

It was very telling that she asked about me during the lockdown, but prior to that she had stopped asking about them.
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