She recently changed apartments due to a pipe burst/ flood. She is confused, and angry about location of new apartment.
States she is not in the apartment she chose. There were 2 apartments available to her after the flooding. She chose the one she is in, but states angrily that I chose it for her. When I try and remind her that SHE chose it, she very angrily accuses me of lying. I am not sure how to handle this situation.
"I am caring for my mother Phyllis , who is 93 years old, living in independent living with age-related decline and alzheimer's / dementia."
It probably wouldn't hurt to get her checked for a UTI since these infections can temporarily cause extreme agitation and aggression in seniors. Certainly, the big apartment change would throw her off. She has dementia, so trying to remind or reason with her will just exhaust you and be unproductive.
Tell her any therapeutic fib you think will calm her. Agree that you did choose the new place but only because there wasn't any other option for another place. Apologize, then, change the subject abruptly to something else that is unrelated and pleasant or neutral. Often my husband will find funny videos on YouTube or TikTok to distract my Mom. Works every time. Just keep changing the subject. This is called redirection.
You must learn to just go along with whatever she is saying as that will make your life and hers much easier.
Perhaps it's time you educate yourself more on the disease of dementia. Teepa Snow has a lot of great videos on YouTube along with some books she's written. Also the book The 36 Hour Day is a great place to start.
And most importantly you must remember that your moms brain is now broken and will never get any better, only worse, so learning what you can now about dementia will prepare you for what is yet to come.
that anger/accusations is unlikely to stop. in the future, there might be anger/accusations about other things (the topic will simply shift from the apartment to something else you're actually innocent of). she's not totally out of it (not completely incapable of reasoning) -- she simply CHOSE YOU as a target to blame things on. she's unhappy and wants to blame someone -- who's the easiest person to blame? YOU. it is NOT a coincidence she chose YOU to blame, and not someone else.
soooo:
1. realize that this anger/accusations will most likely continue
2. correct the facts, remind her of the truth, defend yourself (even if she doesn't believe you, it's important that you have corrected the facts)
3. after having corrected the facts several times, if you want maybe it's time to ignore the false accusations. or simply say, "you're wrong mom, your memory is wrong. i wouldn't lie to you," and leave it at that. she'll reply. you ignore.
4. do super kind things for yourself. being the target WILL AFFECT YOU.
5. if possible, take a break from being the target, by going no contact for a while (1 day? 2 days? whatever. take a break). rest, relax & recharge.
hugggg.
I have to disagree with Bundleofjoy when it comes to correcting Mom. This does not work with people suffering from a Dementia. You never argue with them. You try to redirect them. I guess you could have said "Really, I thought this was the one you chose. For now though you can stay here until something better comes along" if she argues, you then could say "Sorry Mom but I just don't have the energy to move you again, so for now you will need to stay here" You need to realize that Moms mind is dying little by little. Short-term memory is the first thing to go. With that is the ability to reason. Being able to process and comprehend comes later. In the early stage, they do realize that something is happening to them, so the anger and paranoia. Mom will not be able to live independently. Dementia has no rhyme or reason. Very unpredictable. You probably will always be her target. Get used to being the bad guy. You are just going to have to let things roll off your back and chalk it up to the desease.