How to cope when parent’s caregiver & POA has cut you off from contact with parent, sold parent’s house and won’t give a forwarding address?

February Posting.

It’s all about the money! A person can have their mail forwarded to them by using a Dropbox. If he is POA know that APS won’t go over his head no matter how shabby he is taking care of her. IF you want guardianship and that is a big IF hire an elder law attorney and a PI to locate and serve him. But know it will be a protracted expensive battle. I get it how you are feeling helpless and scared.

Uplate from New Dawn's other thread:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-brother-lives-with-my-80-year-old-mom-and-has-poa-but-doesnt-let-her-talk-to-me-there-is-an-open--473151.htm?orderby=recent

For real, AlvaDeer? The OP's brother threatened her life with a gun and APS and the police weren't interested?

I think there are many things being left out of this story and we could have a case of trolling here.

If your mother has an actual diagnosis dementia, she cannot refuse help because if she's at risk it will not be her decision to make.
I'm very sorry to say, but your brother is the one holding all the cards here. You did the right thing having the cops do a wellness check and filing a report with APS. That's about all you can do.
Your brother probably works on your mother by saying all kinds of untrue lies about you. Her having dementia will tell the cops whatever he says. The plan to live in an RV with no permanent address and take an elderly person who has numerous health problems and dementia is a bad idea. I'm pretty sure that plan your brother has made will not last very long.

Thank you everyone for your concern and advice. Update. I dialed my brother’s number *67 and pleaded to speak to my mom. He allowed me to and I am driving up on Tuesday, he said that would be a good day. I will just be glad to see her.

I hope to try to get my brother to be more forthcoming on plans and location when I see him. I wrote this original post in the shock of the house sale 2/4 since he told me he planned to stay there the night before 2/3 and loss of contact with my mom the week following. (Her phone is now lost so all calls must go to my brother’s phone.)

I am torn because my mom has lived with my brother for all these years and has grown so dependent on him. Whenever I ask her a basic question, she says she needs to talk it over with my brother. Today when I talked to her she said she wouldn’t mind living in an RV for a while. They are putting possessions in storage and my brother said he was planning on renting a house.

I will update this thread after I see her. Again, thank you for advice. I hadn’t thought of a PI. APS is still doing covid protocol and only trying to contact by phone. Newdawn

Newdawn:
I want to focus on a few things you mentioned: that your brother “has always lived with her” (dysfunctional dependency). That he has an explosive temper (makes constructive conversations impossible). That you have a small family (no relatives helping to keep an eye on things or call him out). And that the broken phone happened in the context of him refusing visits and then up and ghosting you with your mom in tow. This isolation is elder abuse - it doesn’t even matter if your mom was ambivalent about you - what your brother is doing is abusive and coercive. With his temper I’m sure even you are walking on eggshells to avoid setting him off - it is unrealistic for a dependent, frail elder with dementia to stand up to him. No way your mom would risk angering him to allow APS to interview her alone, or that she will say one word against him to neighbors (who of course also don’t want to get involved because they live next to him!). You are likely being scapegoated and your brother is exerting undue influence. I have been on the receiving end of distress calls like the one you got from your mom. Your situation is HEARTBREAKING and extremely difficult to navigate. I like the idea of a PI to help you gather more information. Keep calling APS although they are fairly toothless. Check out your county and other nearby county court websites to find out if your brother has any legal proceedings against him (even in the past - motive to steal your mom’s money), and definitely talk to a lawyer with experience in elder abuse. But here is the sad thing - court proceedings are extremely costly, especially if contested, and if your mom is under your brother’s thumb he will feed her a stream of lies that could completely destroy your relationship. But since he has effectively terminated it that really isn’t a decision factor. So the issue is, will your mom get the care she needs and will her resources be used to support HER? That is still worth fighting for, even if she hates you for it. It is tough being the only functioning adult in the family. You may be alternating between intense sadness, anger and serious fear for her welfare. Best of luck and please keep us posted.

Notify the local authorities and Adult Protective Services. Your mom needs consistent healthcare, consistent routines, and consistent environment.

If APS receives repeated reports over time, the level of concern rises and they may be able to try harder to see an elder alone. However, if brother has mom convinced that she has to tell everyone she is fine and happy, that is what she will do.
If brother is a difficult neighbor at a mobile home or RV site, that can bring some police and social services (including APS) attention. Sometimes just knowing that police and APS are aware/concerned can reduce brother's worst behaviors.

POA is NOT a forever decision— it can be changed, unless it is entwined in an irrevocable trust. I would file for guardianship, if that’s what you want, and allow the courts to make the decision. You deserve to see your mom. Meanwhile, all of the monies he may have taken, will be returned via court order, unless his name was on the house or her attorney has spoken with her and she made the full decisions.

Newdawn24: Something seems amiss. What did your brother do with the proceeds of your mother's home? Why did he break her phone? While residing in an RV might be good for some individuals, it is NOT for someone with dementia and the medical needs that that entails.

Many years ago I took care of an elderly friend for 28 years. In the beginning years someone befriended her (no one else knew of this until much later) and scammed her out of $115,000. When those close to her tried to speak or visit her, the locks had been changed and it was impossible to enter her apartment . After a very chaotic time it was realized she had become a prisoner to these people and all their "chronies". I took over, got the $115,000 back to her name (my life was threatened in the process), and it was a time of sheer hell and involved pensions, social security, medical friends who wrongly stated her condition, etc. - finally after six months and day to night work and efforts on my part, I got the scammers and their friends away from her and found her a caretaker who kept her safe - I took care of her for 28 years but she did have to go into a nursing home due to age and frail condition. This sounds to me as if she is being "controlled and scammed" by a family member and someone somehow must investigate to make sure this is NOT the case. I would see an attorney at once and keep forcing the issue until the complete situation is laid bare for all to see and evaluate. Do not give up - keep trying. This is elder abuse.

Without knowing all of the interactions and relationships between your mother and brother and you, it is hard to advise you or give you any thoughts. Is there some reason she choose him over you - many more details are needed. In the meantime, speak to an eldercare attorney from a legal standpoint and possibly to a trusted therapist who can help you sort this out.

We did full-time rving for several years and met multiple people that had their parent with them.

Of course it was a challenge that many found easier having a smaller place to keep the routine.

It was a benefit in that they could follow nice weather and never had to shovel snow or worry about falls on ice for any of them.

Depending on the situation this could be a good thing for both of them.

You can send a letter to mom and request on the envelope forwarding service requested, I think that's the term used, the USPS will forward the letter and send you the address it was forwarded to. Anyways, be sure and ask for the correct term to get this service.

I wouldn't address any issues, just a nice how are you, love you, miss you, here's my number and address, look forward to hearing from you soon type contact.

If your Mom has dementia your brother could be controlling her and telling her lies about you.

Do something now before it’s too late! Contact an elder lawyer.

Your story sounds so similar to mine & I didn’t get to see my mom for 5 years. By the time I contacted a lawyer he had all my mom’s documents changed to benefit himself 100% & he’s the one that contacted the lawyer to do it.

I finally got to see her during the last month of her life but she didn’t even know me anymore.

APS does nothing if your mom says everything is fine. I filed numerous reports to no avail and the police said it was a civil matter.

Please don’t wait any longer….best wishes to you

I like the idea of PI. Another thing is to have the Police do welfare checks. They'll do those if they know your Mom has dementia. If your mother has called you distressed, then I doubt she would refuse you.
My in-laws chose their youngest son because he was a banker. Wrong choice! We went through hell for several years because they were in control. Mom might have chosen him for those kinds of reasons.
Your mothers welfare is definitely your business. Have the welfare checks, and take it from there. If they see something that is off, he could be liable.
I have a question...is it possible he's using her money? If so, that's elder abuse. He HAS to use her money for HER. Please let us know how it's going!

@Newdawn24, I urge you to immediately hire a private investigator.

The P.I. will be able to track where (or if) an RV has been purchased, what forwarding address your brother has given (banks, RV dealerships, the real estate agent who sold the house, the IRS etc all require a current address), if the RV will be permanently moored in a particular RV park s/he can find that out, the vehicle registration number, and so on. The fact that you have already alerted APS and the police will show the P.I. that you aren’t some sneaky dangerous weirdo but rather a concerned family member who is already taking recommended steps.

Unfortunately your POA brother may continue to block your access to your mom, but if a P.I. can determine where they’re living (permanent campground, or whatever) you can keep better tabs on her from afar, and then perhaps befriend her new neighbors so you have a way to discreetly check on her without your brother blocking access.

You may feel you don’t have the money to hire a private investigator, but I urge you to do so even if you have to take out a loan. The future mental, emotional, and monetary cost of NOT having any idea where your mother is is far more costly than paying a professional right now to track where brother and mother have gone or are going. If they haven’t yet moved, the P.I. could simply follow their RV when they drive away from the house for the last time, and track where they go to.

Good luck. You and your mom are in really tough and undeserved situation.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. All the best to you and your mother. I think the saddest part of your story is that you are not able to visit your mother. That must be terrible. If your mother has dementia, she is likely eventually to need more care. Your brother now has all of her money. Are you able to intervene in the case that there will be no funds?

Yes, your Mom can refuse help, and she can refuse contact, and it seems that she has done that, as well as she has appointed your brother POA. There has to be a lot of water under the bridge that we don't know about, and it seems that APS has made a judgement that Mom has made her own decision. In general they do interview seniors in these circumstances alone, without the input of others. I would ask them if that was indeed the case.
I think that you have exhausted the resources that exist for connection to your Mom. I do wonder about her calls to you that are filled with distress and I would purchase at once a recorder to record said calls in future if you plan to pursue this.
I think you are left with writing that you would always want to contact your Mother, that you hope you will be able to, that you are always open even to monitored visits, that if there is anything you can humanly do to help in future to please let you know. It sounds otherwise as though you have done what you can. Best to you, and I am sorry you are going through this.

The only thing you can do is file guardianship and take her . Other then that not much you can do .

You mention having previously lived nearby. How long ago did you move four hours' distance from them? Was your brother already her primary caregiver then?

I'm just trying to retrace the steps and see if it's possible to identify what's got into him. Resentment of being overloaded - and this only an example, I don't mean this is anything you've done! - can fester away unexpressed for years and then blow up in everyone's face.

Another faint bell that's ringing is your mother's stating that your brother broke her phone on purpose. Mm. Perhaps he did. Or perhaps... nothing of the sort. Unfounded and/or paranoid accusations are another issue that has driven many a strong caregiver to drink, or lunacy.

Or, could he have spent all the money and be trying to escape an audit by selling the house and scattering the cash?

When the old friend stated your mother is in good hands... she didn't want to elaborate on that at all, did she? It would be helpful to know in what way!

I have contacted APS. Covid protocol is to call three times then send certified letter then review case and determine what to do next. They will not physical investigate the condition of home. They did however contact police about possible financial exploitation.

Your mother can refuse help, but it is APS's responsibility to ensure that she is not coming under pressure. They must interview her on her own, and they must ensure that she feels safe to answer freely.

Even so, it isn't easy - when a person is materially and emotionally so dependent on one caregiver, it is very, very difficult for him or her to tell outsiders when something is wrong. Say, just for example and I don't want to be alarmist, that your mother told your brother she'd called you and he was furious about it (not even necessarily furious with her, just furious), that would be much on her mind when the friendly social worker turned up and asked if she wanted contact with you.

Is there anyone else you can turn to? - other family members, friends, old friends of your mother's?

Before your mother called you to announce the move, how often were you in touch with her and/or brother?

I second Alva. I also suggest a consult with an elder law attorney.

How is a chronically ill and now demented woman going to ramrod around in an RV? What about her medical appointments? What about if she starts wandering at the nearest KOA or worse yet the side of some derelict street?

Her money is to provide for her actual care. Going camping forever is not adequate care in anyone's definition.

I wonder if neighbors might know anything. Does your brother have a history of addiction? Is that why he might want cash? I can’t think of any legitimate reason to want to live with a dementia sufferer in an RV.

What a distressing situation! I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your mom.

Call adult protective services in your area with this and any other information you have.