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In my prior days of magical thinking, I just assumed that my husband and I would move in with Mom at some point. After several major heart issues reoccurred for my husband last summer, that delusion on my part disappeared. DH is my first priority, full stop.


Since my father's sudden death several years ago, Mom has exhibited more and more evidence of cognitive decline (memory, judgment, reasoning, etc). She denies it all, and flatly refuses any visit to a doctor, even for a physical. She is in generally good physical health and on no meds - very uncommon for 85. She "would know if something were wrong" since she was an RN for 50 years.


How do you not lose your own mind when you are daily interacting with someone whose reality is not exactly what SHE thinks it is and who avoids planning for her aging future? "I hope God just takes me" is not a plan. I'm trying to learn to manage the stress of constantly being "on," monitoring my mom's wellbeing. Some narcissistic tendencies of Mom's make it even more stressful and frustrating.

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You’re part of the “waiting for the fall club” It’s a vast club that no one ever wants to join. A wise social worker friend once told me “events will happen that will force change” and sure enough, they did. It wasn’t any fun waiting for it, but it does come. Meanwhile, stop trying to make mom believe or do anything, it’s only frustrating you both. Don’t give her the illusion of her independence by stepping in to make all good in her world. Take care of your home and family and let mom do her thing. Things will change in time, and then you’ll be able to plan for what she did not
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Beatty Apr 2023
I'm tired of being in the club. Didn't realise it would be such a long membership. 😪
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I'm very sympathetic. It took a health crisis to get my dad into assisted living and now that he's doing better, he's still insisting he's got it all under control. I think you need to learn to not be "on" if you can, and take breaks. If you are overall caring for her, and she won't take additional help, there's a point where you can't be the person 24 hours a day caring for her wellbeing — sometimes taking a step back and letting them fail a bit can help. It's scary and hard but if she assumes that you'll always be there if she needs something she's not going to be willing to accept that she needs more help than you.
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It's a hard stage.

Keep up some gentle advice for making Mom's life easier. Eg brochures for meal services, grocery deliveries, cleaning etc. Gentle folk may be led gently into hiring some in-home help or moving into an Assisted Living type setting as they need it. Strong willed folk want to choose for themself. So offer choices & hopefully they take some.

"I've decided to.. " That's great Mom!

Denial can be.. true denial, an unconscious protective behaviour.

Clever coverups can happen if someone has some insight into their poorer memory etc.

'Anosognosia' is the medical term for lack of insight. Those with it don't know they have it. (The brain doesn't know what it doesn't know).

Your Mom may be still able to cover-up. Oh I'll manage.. It will be fine.. I'll do it later..
Scared of seeing the Doctor in case the cover is blown.

The Doctor left a message for a checkup, or flu shot may work to get there? "Since she was an RN for 50 years" use that angle. It's proactive to have a proper checkup at 75, 80, 85 to check iron level, cholesterol, BP etc.
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Missymiss May 2023
The cover up... my mom was able to hide so much while my dad was still alive. When he passed, it quickly became apparent something wasn't right. And a long 2.5 years of watching and worrying until the "event". It was one of the most frightening and stressful times of my life. But she is now safe in memory care and I'm dealing with the fallout. The house goes up for sale soon, and that will bring a bit more peace.
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My MIL was so adamant that her kids not 'put her in a home'.

Well, she is now in the last stages of living and she THINKS she IS in a NH, so Dh said "We might just as well have placed her instead of arranging for 24/7 care for her in her home. She thinks I'm my brother and isn't aware of where she is or what she's already done on a day to day basis."

So, so, so sad.

My SIL propped her up for so long it made it pretty much impossible to get her to realize she really is NOT ok by any means. MIL thought she's been living completely independently for the last 5 years and that's ONLY because SIL gives and gives and gives.
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LittleBee (love your name btw).. from your profile info: "She is determined to stay in her home".

I would start to modify that statement every time it came up to "Stay at home - As Long As Possible".

Knowing when 'possible' croses the line to 'not possible' is the real tricky part. Mom may lose reason to see it 😔This is when unfortunately that *fall* or other crises can be the decider. Or family do a take-over due to very large risks/possibility of danger.

I have one LO on this line.
'Precarious' I call it. Unable to live independantly but coping along quite ok with home services still. Lacks insight & dx with Anaosognosia by Doctor (post stroke). So I'm in the Awaiting the Fall Club too.
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Welcome to the ,” when they fall club “.
You have excellent advice given already. I didn’t read all the posts , but if no one mentioned it. Do not move in with Mom or move Mom in with you . It can make it more difficult to get her placed in a facility . When she ends up in the ER . You tell them she lives alone and you work and can not take care of her . Otherwise sometimes they really try to force you to take mom back home with you if you live with her .
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"I'm trying to learn to manage the stress of constantly being "on," monitoring my mom's wellbeing."

i totally get it. it's a constant anxiety, night and day, no matter how hard you try to switch it off. (by the way, when there are hired caregivers at home or in a facility, the anxiety does decrease, BUT it still doesn't stop - because problems WILL keep appearing, and very likely you'll be asked to help with this or that).

it's hard, and OF COURSE when things get hard it always ironically happens all at the same time (your husband, your mother, etc., etc.). murphy's law is always there...

about a LO's denial of their deteriorating mind/body...
at some point, i completely stopped trying to reason. stopped trying to convince, persuade. i just went ahead and did what needed to be done. example: there was huge resistance, enormous anger, against buying safety equipment around the house. i went ahead anyway. now that equipment is being used all the time. no apology of course, from the LO.

dear OP, do what needs to be done -- and what you're VOLUNTARILY willing to do. you have to live with whatever action/inaction you take. so follow your heart/gut/intuition.
❤️🙂
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It sounds like it's still too early for Memory Care, but probably also too late to expect mom to put together her own plan. So unless there is something specific that would be accomplished with an official diagnosis of cognitive decline (e.g., take away car keys), maybe don't worry unduly about the absence of a diagnosis? 

I think (could be wrong) that memory issues with reversible causes (UTI, or medications...though medications wouldn't be an issue in your mom's case) don't come on gradually but rather more quickly.

However, if you suspect a reversible medical cause for the cognitive issues, by all means try to get her to a doctor. Just don't go with the goal of forcing a dementia diagnosis if one is not needed for some specific purpose. Think about what would change, exactly, if you were able to get that diagnosis.

It seems that many former medical professionals avoid doctors.
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I would not interact every day, if she is fine and independent then there is no reason to. Why do you feel the need to monitor your mothers well-being every day?

You are making up for what she cannot do and are just supporting her idea that she can manage her life. You are her crutch, part of her make believe world.

If she hasn't planned for her future at age 85 it is not going to happen.

Go about living your life with your husband, let her live hers.

You do not need a front row seat to her life, sit back and wait, something will happen.
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I'm assuming that your mother makes all of her own decisions?

Does she still drive, or are you her taxi?

What are some of the examples you have that she is declining cognitively (you said you have a list)?
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